Quick Update + Book Review: Lacy Williams - Cowboy Pride

It's funny. I've been wanting to post on here for the past few months but, I get so side tracked. Also, I look back at older posts and kind of wish I could start all over. At the same time, I like that it's all there. It's embarrassing and kind of cringy how upset I would get over things that don't matter now. For half of the situations I was in, I don't remember who else was in them.

I know a lot of people have forgotten that Blogger existed, and there's a reason. It changed. There are no longer blog rolls. You used to be able to click to a random one and see what anyone else was writing or going through or sharing. I miss that. Another reason is, people look down on it because it's free, and there isn't a lot of customizing. I get that. I've never been an elitists though. I've had this blog since before it was taken over by Google. I enjoy how it works, the formatting, and how easy it is to jump back into. 

I ditched this for all of the other social medias. Then I kind of got lost in the crowd because I never really put myself out there. I still don't. A lot of people are going through some nostalgia of when the internet was different. I am too. I miss old websites. I miss old blog communities. I miss Flash games and when Youtube had response videos and communities. I miss all of that stuff. I know it's not coming back but, I can't help but want to reclaim what was, because I really don't like how things are. I don't have a TikTok. It's never appealed to me. The few communities I'm in, people have gotten mean and nasty. Not towards me but in general. So I think I'm going to just put stuff into the void again. 

I hope Blogger doesn't disappear for awhile like everything else has. Until then I'll try to update when I can. 

I'm still reading, only not as much as I used to. I started crocheting again. I pulled some projects out of the closet (again) and just finished one that I had started 14 or so years ago. It's a cozy granny square afghan. I love it. I write in my physical journal a few times a week. I made the journal out of an old book and some hand bound signatures. Not a lot has changed but in some ways it has. I'm good :)

I write this all the time but I'll try to post more often. Last time I posted was last year :x I'll try to be a bit more consistent 😃 

 

Cowboy Pride by Lacy Williams
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I've never read Pride and Prejudice so I don't have any comparison except for what I see in pop culture and trailers. I thought this was a cute story. It's been re-edited so I didn't see all of the errors that everyone else did. I enjoyed this. So far I'm liking this series.

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I Love January

 It's a new year. Last year sucked so after today I'm going to leave it behind me. I meant to write this yesterday... 

My mom passed in November. It still hasn't really hit me. I don't know if it will but, it was all so surreal. I woke up, went upstairs to give her a package, and she was gone. No illness. No event. No situation. She was just gone. I feel like I woke up that day, and nothing's been the same since. Like my life isn't really my life. I'm in a weird version of it... I think being in a new year will give me some closure.

Today is my new reality. I don't really have any resolutions but my plans are to finish school and get a good job. Maintain my living situation, and try to improve it. I'm feeling anxious about it. We're a month behind on rent. We'll figure things out. I have a small savings that I can use for bills and rent but it will only last a few months. I need to think of ways to make money while finishing school. So far my plan is to take things day by day, and do what I need to do for that day. Everything else in my life is okay. I just need to do this one thing.

The Perils of Reading Too Quickly

A book title came across my recommended feed on a book app. I read it quickly. I thought it said, I Love Disco, and was kind of like, what?! I need to check this out! I still love disco! Turned out the title was wrong and now I'm disappointed. I kind of think now that I need to write a book called I Love Disco.

Honestly? It kind of freaked me out how quickly I came to that conclusion. I haven't done any serious writing in so long. When I did, I didn't do anything with it. I feel like the part of me that's a writer, is no longer with me. She got bored and left. I liked her. I miss her. 

In Retrospect

2-5-24

I was looking at older entries and, not a whole lot has changed. It's disappointing. It makes me sad, angry, frustrated. I feel like my whole life has been me trying to fix my sleep, dealing with anxiety, starting projects I've never finished, dating emotionally unavailable guys, and restarting my life over and over. I'm so glad I have therapy this week!

I think I'm living a better life than I have before. But it seems I'm reliving the same memories over and over again. How do I break this cycle and come out with something different? The anxiety and sleep issues, I don't think, can be helped. I've had them all my life. The difference is, I'm better than I was. I'm no longer stuck in the house when I don't want to be. I haven't been to the ER in awhile with a panic attack. I've been able to relax and manage them myself. My sleep has periods where it will be normal, but unless I have some structure, I can't maintain it. I'm working on that.

Projects I've never finished... I'll start a project, be super excited about it, and then, when it's mostly done, I seem to lose interest. I was cleaning my closet a bit a few weeks ago and found FOUR crochet projects I hadn't finished. Two, were for my fiance who passed, so that's understandable. One was for my older sister who passed. I picked that back up when my fiance passed to keep myself occupied. I did everything but one row, and then the edging. I need to finish that, even if it's just to fold it up and put it away for future gifts. I'll start tomorrow, and maybe listen to an audio book. 

UPDATE 2-26-24:

That was written on February 5th. I never took out the crochet projects. I did start listening to an audio book but didn't like the narrator so I went back to reading. 

I spoke to my therapist about what was bothering me. She told me that even though the territory feels the same, I'm not in the same place. She started listing how I've grown considering what I went through with my late fiance. His mental illness, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, irrational behavior, then his passing. She told me that since he passed, I started school, let someone new into my heart, knew how to heal myself emotionally, built new habits... She reminded me that my anxiety used to be so bad that I would have to call in my appointments, and that now, I'm driving around town by myself, walking the neighborhood, letting my heart race when I work out. I used to be terrified of everything. 

In the past year, I feel I've gotten a lot stronger, and I hold back a lot less. I'm speaking my mind more, and telling people how I feel and what I think. I'll always be me, in my core. But I want to be a better me. It's nice to know that I'm on the right course.

What She's Doing Now

I keep meaning to update this. I did write a few times but never posted the entries. 

I wrote when I was excited about starting school. I'm taking a college course for IT Support! It's something I've wanted to do since my 30s, but my son needed 100% of my attention at the time. Here I am, almost 20 years later, going for it. It's not easy. I had to relearn how to study, how to time manage, how to participate in a learning community... I still get stuck sometimes. I recently finished a resume assignment that had me feeling so overwhelmed. I did my best and got a good grade on it. I'm proud of myself.

I wrote when I was going through a break up. I don't do well with endings. I never have. I was seeing someone for a bit. I'll call him MW. Though it was long distance, and we had some things working against us, I took it really hard when things ended. I was having a good time and just going with it. Things seemed to be going great. Then, it ended. Honestly, I don't think I ever got over it. We're friends, and though we've had a few bumps, we have a good relationship. I'm glad he's in my life. 

I wrote when my brother died. I had an older half brother, Joe, that I lost touch with when I was 9. He was about to have surgery and our other brother got in touch with me to tell me to call Joe because I might not have that chance again. I was anxious, worried he wouldn't want to speak to me for whatever reason, because he hadn't tried to get in touch with me all those years. I called and he was so happy to hear from me. We talked for a week. They were waiting to see if an infection would heal before doing his surgery. He went through the surgery, survived it, but then something happened and he was gone. I'm grateful for the chance to get to know him again. I wish he could have stayed around longer. 

I wrote when I needed to vent. Family issues, other things that bothered me or I needed to get out in words.

I wrote good things too. Good news, things people say that made me happy, random thoughts... I just never posted them. I wrote a few times in my paper journal that I carry in my purse. Writing settles me. It grounds me. It helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me express my feelings, and put out there the things I don't say with my voice. I have a lot on my mind. Sometimes, I need to purge it. Get it all out so I can have room for better things. Better ideas. Better memories. 

I'm still around. Still writing. Still sleeping badly, reading books, gaming, falling in love, wanting better things for myself, procrastinating, treating people the way I want to be treated, having anxiety attacks... I'm still here :)

• Listening to: whatever the Spotify AI DJ wants to play for me
  
• Reading: John Connolly - Black Angel
  
• Watching: Cold Case
  
• Playing: Palia, Halo, Solitaire, Crossword Puzzles
  
• Eating: a good, portion controlled diet
  
• Drinking:Earl Grey tea
  

 

 

Reading Challenge - No Home for Killers

No Home for Killers by E.A. Aymar
My rating: 5 of 5 stars



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I Need A Menu App!

(I actually wrote this a few days ago and forgot to finish it.)

 I'm doing well. I'm finally getting enough sleep. Sleep is crucial to everything else I want to do and how I want to feel. I wish my anxiety didn't steal it away from me so often. I'm working on it! 

Tonight, I made eggplant Parmesan again. This is the third time I've made it and my family isn't tired of it yet. They're a picky bunch.

I'm on the lookout for a useful menu planning system. I think I've mentioned this before... I'm looking for something where I can keep track of what recipes I've tried that the family likes, and come up with a grocery shopping list to use along with it. I've tried using Notion but I couldn't figure out how to make it do what I want, and I don't know programming. There is an Android app called Supercook that will tell you what you can cook based on what you have in your pantry, fridge and freezer. I love that one for the end of a pay period when I'm running low on funds. I'm looking for something different.

When I was a kid, my mom would buy women's magazines every month. Women's Day, Family Circle, First, Women's World. There was one that had a new menu and recipes for every month. It would have the menu on a calendar, and then tell you which page the recipe was on. I would LOVE if that were a thing again. I've checked the current magazines and websites and there's nothing like that anywhere. I did find a few that were online on Archive.org.

It's interesting. In the 70's, one woman's magazine would have around 15 cigarette ads geared towards women...

 

This was the AI art generation for "pi".

*snap*

 Yesterday, I had the worst panic attack I've had in years. I was in bed trying to fall asleep when my heart started racing. I could feel it pounding and I couldn't figure out why it was happening. I know I stayed up longer than I was should have. I did have a few chocolate covered almonds but that wasn't enough to give me a caffeine boost. It was mostly almonds. Maybe I've been using too much rosemary in my hair. Maybe there was something in the burrito I had that caused a reaction. Maybe I should have went for that walk earlier in the day. Is my blood sugar too high? Maybe this time, it really was a heart attack.

My Nothing Day

 Today was a nothing day. It wasn't a bad day. I was simply enjoying doing nothing. Nothing was needed or asked of me. I'll do stuff tomorrow :)

The Stop Holding Yourself Back Challenge - notes

 I finished the Stop Holding Yourself Back challenge and I have to say, it was empowering. I already mentioned what the first day was about, imagining your future self and claiming your future. Here are some of my notes from the sessions.

On Day 2, you focus on toxic habits. It wasn't about habits that you're NOT doing, but what you do that's not good for you. It was defined as "anything in your life that you are doing regularly that's keeping you from becoming the person that you want to become in your vision". Anything that steals your time, your focus, your energy. For me, it's being on the computer too long, drinking more coffee than water, letting fear win, eating bad foods, procrastinating and gaming too much. I knew this and I've been working on it but I need to check myself now and then. The session ended with deep breathing, and these affirmations repeated three times. "I am ready. I am worthy. I am powerful. I deserve this life." I AM.