Monday Morning Blues

I feel like I've lost something important. I don't know when I started feeling this way but I feel it so intensely right now, at this moment.

I'm not unhappy. I'm just not... happy. I'll talk to Facey about it later. He always gives me a better perspective on things. He's the best :)

Note to self: Do a Gratitude entry later.

Saw this and thought I'd share: 

Friday

I watched the first Percy Jackson movie. JA was telling me a week ago or so that he loves the movies and wanted to start reading the books. I've seen the first movie once before but with really loud children, so I thought I'd watch it again. I'll watch the second one tonight, maybe.

I haven't been playing WoW very much lately. HJ said he wants to play with me but I don't think he'll get into it. KJ wanted to play with me too but, he just got an invite to a CoD tournament and, needs to practice that instead. I think that's pretty awesome. He gets to compete in a tournament for a game he loves. He doesn't think he'll win but he wants to go meet people, make some connections. I think it's a great opportunity.

I'm in the Palace rumor mill again because I sit with male friends. It bugged me at first but, after talking to Facey about it, I know that the things people say don't really matter. These are people who don't care about me. They just watch other people and talk about what other people are doing... and that's all they do.

Tuesday

I don't have anything to report. I've played some WoW and got some dailies done. I have 3 days to make enough gold to pay for my account. I don't think I'll make it this time. I'm around 10k short lol.

I've been on Palace. I've made a few new friends. Jett, KJ, K and a few other random people. Izz is visiting Wray this week and I'm jealous :D I want to hang out with them too! They sent me a pic and, they're so cute! I'm glad they get to hang out for a bit. I love those two *nods*

I made hot wings and potstickers for dinner. Tomorrow, I have no idea what I'll make but, I'm sure I'll think of something. I'm leaning towards Sloppy Joes and a salad. We'll see.

That was Tuesday. I'm going to sleep again and see what Wednesday brings me. Good night, Universe :D

Monday

I made a good sized batch of pinto beans last night. My friend JA has me craving home made Mexican food lately. I cooked them in the slow cooker all day, then turned it off and.... fell asleep. They've been at room temperature for 8 hours so I'm going to have to toss them. That sucks. I was craving frijoles and eggs this morning.

I have a bag of broccoli. I think I'll make some broccoli omlettes instead. It's probably better for me anyway.

The kids have been in school for a week and, it's been nice. I've been getting things done in the day time instead of at night, and life is starting to feel more structured again. I've been meaning to write more but I've had nothing to really write about.

I started drawing in my smaller sketchbook. I'm not great at it but it has been relaxing. If I create something post-worthy, I'll share.

Annoying Stuff

I've been getting really weird phone calls and texts this week, from random men. I mentioned it to SKK and he said I need to check a site called BackPage. It's a classifieds site for escorts and other "devious" stuff. Sure enough, there's an ad there for a very hot, young blonde and her number is one off from mine. I've been getting calls by guys looking for a prostitute.....

Last night, one guy called and since the number was local'ish, I answered thinking it might be a relative. I told him he had the wrong number, gave him the correct number and hung up. He calls back saying that she was booked and asked what I was doing. I told him I'm not what he's looking for and hung up again. Then he keeps calling and even left a voice mail. He lives 45 minutes from me, and now knows my name, because I use it in my outgoing message.

It's kind of creeping me out. My kids use my phone and I don't want them answering it if one of these guys calls looking for a good time. Oh! The situation gets weirder.

I told a friend on Palace what's been going on, and linked him the ad. He found out that it's run by a sheriff and, it's a sting ad, to catch men looking for prostitutes. He thinks I should get my number changed and then call and tell them what's going on. I really don't want to change my number. My son, who has special needs, knows this number. My other kids know this number. I've had it for 5 years. Maybe I should call that number and tell them what's going on. I'm not sure.

Still...

This is still on the second page of my cell. I don't plan on deleting it.

More Than Words

I've been looking forward to my morning discussions with M lately. We talk about everything... God, relationships, food, human nature. He's very big-brotherly and, it's nice having a friend who looks out for me the way he does. This morning we discussed how some people are constantly negative and what it does to them. I can't imagine what that must feel like.

I have another friend I've been cool with recently. I've talked to him on Skype a few times. We talk about family stuff mostly, and my inability to speak Spanish. I can't roll my R's :( I've never been able to. EVER! I took Spanish in high school, twice, and because of the R issue, I was really self-conscious and didn't put in much effort. I don't know if I should bother. I mean Spanish feels natural to me but, I want to learn Korean too. I can't even say 'barbacoa' properly!

I'm going to head out to the thrift stores and see what I find. The youngest needs a fish bowl for a goldfish she won at the fair.

Not So Busy Day

The kids started school today. I had so much planned out for the day. Things I wanted to get done. I ended up sleeping through half of it.

I've never been one to let heinous, despicable people keep me down.

Surely...

snagged from Pinterest

 

 

 

Five! :)

*mumbles something about dogs always waking me up*

Last night, I got to talk to Facey on webcam for 5 hours :D I was really nervous beforehand but, I should have known I didn't have any need to be. He's the sweetest guy ever.

I love that I can talk to him forever about anything, and that when we're not talking, we're fine just smiling at each other once in awhile. With some people, it always made me panic when there were silent moments. With Facey, I don't get that way at all.

I'll write more later. Passing out again.

Watching this, made me happy :)

Losing Your Voice

I have no regrets except for those moments when I wasn't true to myself. Sometimes, I would hear what my gut was telling me, but I'd follow my heart or my head instead. Those are the only moments I'm sorry for.

I don't know what this is. It's not a poem. It's not a story. It's just, something from a dream I don't remember.

On the inside, is the part of you that sees EVERYTHING.
It sees the little things, and it sees the big things.
It won't just tell you what you want to hear.
It won't lie to you like your heart will.

You can think yourself into a corner, curl up into it and not move, ever.
Your mind could play tricks on you and make you think things that aren't true.
Your mind can get tired, and start to "know" things that that aren't real.

On the inside, is your true voice.
On the inside, in your gut, your core, is the part of you that remembers how to love you.
You've ignored it for so long that sometimes you can't hear it... But it's there.
Close your eyes and ask yourself, what is it that's wrong?
It's always better to know the truth.

I'm going to get back in bed and try to sleep some more. Good day, Universe

Need My Zzzz's

I spent most of the day with my son. We went shopping, and bought some things that he needed. He found some PSP games, and a few dvd's that he was looking for. I bought hot wing stuff for dinner. We did some other stuff around town but, I'm too sleepy to rehash. I'm going to get my pj's on, and find something to watch while I get sleepier. Good night, Universe.

Yahtzee!

I volunteered for a Yahtzee tournament tonight at S&L. It was a lot of fun. First I played Flappy and won that round. Then I played Hail. He won, twice. We were going for 2/3. He got Yahtzees. They were fun matches :)

I played while on Skype, Facey cheered me on :D He's the best.

Took a quick screen cap. I think I'll find something to watch now that the kids are upstairs.

Take Another Little Piece of My Heart Now, Baby

This should be my disclaimer. It always happens. I try to enjoy every relationship for however long they last, but when they end.... pieces of my heart always go with them.

I don't have many pieces left.

Found on Pinterest.

Those T-Rex's Though

I woke up after only TWO hours sleep in such a bad panic attack. I almost went to the ER. I had the craziest dream too. I was trying to bait and trap a crazy kid and his t-rex by running through these ruins. I'd go out, get his attention, then run through the ruins while trying to get him to run into a trap. I did it so many times, not wanting to give up. There were people around, towns people, and some were encouraging but they were mostly discouraging. I think I was constantly running because my heart was racing in actuality.

I woke up and my heart was racing so fast. I took my blood sugar and it was 216, which is really high. I know it's high because of my lack of sleep. I yelled up to my mother that I needed to go to the ER. Then I called Facey. He told me I could wake him if I needed him, and I did. He's really great at keeping me calmed down, and I knew he'd want to know how I was feeling.

By the time my mom was ready, my heart rate went down to somewhat normal and I was just exhausted. Two hours sleep.... I'm going to try to sleep again. I know I won't be able to. Kids, dogs, my mother, etc. Any sleep will help though, right?

Me Night

I had a pretty good day. I've been really missing MFP so I jumped on Digsby and he told me how to fix my Pidgin messenger. Then we spent all day catching up. I told him about what's been going on in my life for the past few months. I was actually kind of embarrassed by all of the BS that's been going on lately, and a few of the dumb mistakes I've made. I 'fessed up though, and feel tons better. MFP has always been my sounding board and a true friend. He has always told me the truth no matter what. I need to start surrounding myself with friends like him again.

I watched Pitch Perfect 2. I thought it was cute. The reviews weren't very good. Everyone was saying that the first one was better. I think they're equally great. There were a lot of funny moments. The music was good too. I'd watch it again.

Right now I'm watching Heartland. I haven't watched it much since G and I split up. It was part of our night ritual. I'd turn everything off but I'd watch it while he played games while talking to me on Skype. Then I'd play Heroes Charge with him when he was ready for bed.

Oh, I watched some Hart of Dixie too. Tonight was a quiet ME night. I enjoyed it :)

Sleepy Babbles

I went to bed at 11 last night, thinking I'd get a great night's sleep. Someone let the dog out of her crate at 4am and she woke me up by jumping into bed with me... I really need to get my own place.

Popped into the Palace I've been avoiding for a bit and... right away the whispers start. "I heard End blah blah blah". *sighs* I just tell them, "Really? Wow. I don't know about all that. We don't really speak right now." Then I go AFK. I know a lot of people say things because they want to feel important. Like they know something no one else knows, whether it's true or not.

I don't understand why they feel the need to tell me these things. Is it supposed to make me feel better? It doesn't. Are they fishing for information? They're not getting any from me. I've only talked to four people on Palace about all of this, including End and, those were people I trusted. Today someone told me something and then said, "Oh you told me that" and I sure as hell didn't.

There's a guy I know on Palace who loves to troll maliciously. Today, I found out that he pretended to be a woman, and split up a relationship by getting a guy to cheat on his girlfriend. Then the guy left his girlfriend for him. Stuff like this is why I wonder why I even went back to Palace.

Gaming alone is so boring, but it sure beats being surrounded by vile people.

UM

I had a really nice night. I got to talk to UM after not hearing from him for a year! We talked for three hours on the phone and had a chance to catch up. I would have talked to him all night only my family was getting loud. He had me add him to Skype so we can catch up some more. I'm glad he's doing well.

I got to play some WoW and catch up with some friends who had just come back to the game. Maybe we'll actually get to do something as a guild. I can only hope.

I'm heading to bed early. I didn't sleep much last night and it's catching up with me. So, I'm going to lay down with my book and pass out. Good night, Universe!

Words and Pictures

I stayed up to watch Words and Pictures. It spoke to me on several levels and made me think about a lot of things. It also scared me. I started thinking of all of the brilliant writers out there who can literally paint pictures with their words and, I can't compare. It's intimidating to me, because I know I might never write in a way that makes people feel on such an intense level. I might never be that good.

Despite feeling that way, I will always write.

It was a great movie. I appreciate the recommendation.


On a different note... I jumped on Palace. The info/rumors are STILL flying. I really wish they would stop. It's not doing anyone any good and, some things, I really do NOT need to know. I can't stand to see it or hear it. .... *breathes*

I'm going to bed. I shouldn't have watched that movie but I'm glad I did!

MY Bed

I had a nice night. Facey went to bed early, so I went DND on Skype and focused on WoW. I met a really cool guildie from NZ. He was recruited when I was on break. He told me about the Hobbit houses and some other NZ stuff. I told him when he caught up with my lowbies, a few others and I will run with him. It should be fun. He wants to raid so we'll see how that goes. We can always raid with a PUG.

After awhile I got on Skype with a Palace friend that I've never talked to on Skype before. I almost didn't. It was someone that End used to warn me about that he had issues with. He thought the guy was a creeper. He was really nice to talk to though. He didn't get weird with me at all. He got on webcam and just smiled often. He had a friendly face. I, of course, didn't get on cam, but he heard my voice. It's always nice to get to know good people, better.

I'm not sleepy yet but check out my dogs. It's like they think they own MY bed! I'll just snuggle with them and watch something online until I get sleepy. Good night, Universe!

One Thing Out of the Way

So much for sleep. I stayed up all night talking to SS, clearing up some things. We're going to work on our novella a few times this week. That should be fun. We were slacking on that. I couldn't get my head into it and then his computer died. Also the kids should be in school soon so I'll have early mornings to work on things.

He understands how things are with me, and that we won't be getting together. If I'm on Palace, he can sit with me, no problem. I think we're going to be two good friends who care about each other and, leave it at that :)  We have a good friendship and, I don't want that to change because things didn't go the way he thought they might. I've lost one good friend already. I don't want to lose anymore.

Now to get some much needed sleep. If I wake up at 10, I'll get 5 hours and be able to sleep tonight. So not trying to wreck my sleep again!

Ick

I was hanging at S&L tonight. I got in a call with the guys on the right. I got on WoW for a bit too but, couldn't focus. I'll try again tomorrow.

I'm feeling kind of blah lately. I'm hoping I get over it quickly. I'm not happy and I'm not liking it. Negativity and pessimism are not in my nature so everything feels all wrong. Ick.

So...

I found out that a friend of mine is trying to fix me up with someone on Palace. I know she means well but, it's so not going to happen for several reasons. My heart belongs to someone already. I don't date on Palace anymore. Everyone gets in everybody else's business. The potential for cheating is too great with the tabbing and all that. The most important Palace related reason? He's my online best friend's ex-boyfriend. I'm sure that goes against The Girl Code. He came to me and told me that someone is trying to match us up. We both agreed it was well-meaning. She's a sweet girl for trying to make two people happy. It's not going to happen though.

So sleepy! It's already 5pm so I'm trying not to nap. I slept eight hours last night but I feel exhausted. I think my body is still adjusting to my sleeping at night. I hope that's all it is. I shouldn't want to feel like laying down and closing my eyes all the time. I don't have the energy to do anything.

Sunday

Today, I realized that it doesn't really even matter anymore.

I Think Way Too Much in the Morning

Recently, I've been acting in ways that I feel are beneath who I am. I've been disappointed in myself. These things are nothing I can really fix. All I can do is be aware of how I've behaved, and try not to do those things again.

I think I need to get back in touch with my spiritual side. I'm not a religious person really. I believe that God exists, and that I'd like to feel closer to him. I don't believe in religion based doctrine though. I believe the Bible is a spiritual book, but I don't believe that it's the only way to God. I do believe that prayer has power - that putting thoughts and feelings into the Universe is speaking to God, because he is a part of everything.

I think I need to start being more aware of what it is I'm doing. I also need to quit being lead by my heart, and get more in touch with my soul and my spirit.

I think Facey would have some things to say about my beliefs. Our spiritual cores are different. I do want to talk to him about this later and hear what he has to say. I'm really curious, and I always enjoy hearing his insight into anything that is important to me.
 
Lately I feel like I've been neglecting him. With all of the stuff that's been going on with End and Palace, I've been so preoccupied. I need to start spending time with Facey more. He's one of three people in my life that I feel I can truly count on, and I will let him know that I don't take that for granted. I already made that mistake with End. I won't do it to Facey too.

I feel that End is trying to get some distance lately and, I don't blame him. I think things are probably awkward for him considering how the past few weeks have been, and how our dynamic has shifted. I just hope he knows that, despite everything, I'm glad he's in my life. I'm glad I met him and got to know him. I'm glad he let me see parts of him that no one else knows. I appreciate that he's done that.

Sometimes, I really wish that I could be a better friend to the people in my life. I get so bogged down by things that are going on in my household and my family, that I shut down. I don't speak my mind. I don't let people know how much they mean to me. I isolate myself emotionally when things get rough. I have so many people that I care about but then life sucks and I become so distant. I leave them wondering if they did something wrong, or if I suddenly don't care about them. It's made me wonder if I'm not, on some level, depressed. Maybe it's something that's just been there because of how my family was while I was growing up. I don't know. I just wish I could be different. I'm just not sure how to change it.

Saturday

I had a really good Saturday. I went for brunch at Denny's and had pancakes. Anyone who knows me knows I love pancakes. Then I went to four of my favorite thrift stores. I found a 150 pack of calligraphy rice paper for $1. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it but, I'm looking for ideas. I bought some paint yesterday that I want to do a few things with. If I come up with something, I'll share it.

I also bought a brand new pack of 24 chalk pastels. They were a good name brand too. I looked them up. They're normally $30. I found them for $5 :D I need to buy some fixative before I can use it. I'd even be happy with a cheap can of hair spray. It used to work back in the day.

I might go out tomorrow and see what else I can find. I still need to find those books I was looking for. I need to buy stamps and envelopes so I can pay my son's rent. I also need to find a collar for the puppy. I'm having a great weekend so far :)

I'm Carrying Your Love With me

I heard more rumors earlier. I wish people would just let this stuff die! I mentioned it to one person and I want to see if it gets back to E. I'm betting it will. I hope he realizes that I really don't believe this stuff. The only thing I believe is what he's already confirmed. I never realized how bad the rumors on Palace were. So damaging and so relentless.

I watched HJ, Ecs and SS play Yahtzee last night and I realized how much I missed it. I've always liked playing social games. They say you learn about a person playing games with them. I think that's true.

Today should be a good day. It's not hot out. It's 68f and the sky is full of clouds. I feel so lucky to live where I live while everyone else seems to be roasting. I'm going to go get some coffee and start my shopping. It should be fun!

This song is stuck in my head.

George Strait - Carrying Your Love With Me
I'm carrying your love with me.
West Virginia down to Tennessee.
I'll be movin' with the good Lord's speed.
Carrying your love with me.
It's my strength for holdin' on,
Every minute that I have to be gone.
I'll have everything I ever need.
Carrying your love with me.