Vroom Vroom

I'm wide awake because someone was pounding on the door. They had the wrong apartment of course, and didn't even apologize.... I'm sure I'll get tired enough soon. Sipping my Sleepytime tea and looking for something soothing to read.

Lately, I haven't been in the mood for much of anything. I can't find anything I want to read, watch, do, listen to. I have a lot on my To ____ list and nothing sounds good. I feel like a car that's all revved up and has nowhere to go.

Connections, Yay!

A few days ago, I ran into an "old" friend on Facebook. He wrote this on his timeline and, I couldn't help but be happy.

"Quick smile.. 15 years ago, a much younger D____ M______ had entered into his teenage years with the loss of his mother. He avoided life for a little while, skipping school and just staying home all day, everyday. He bought a computer, and popped in an AOL 4.0 CD and signed onto something foreign. This was before profile pictures, it was simply a black font screen name. He went into one chat room of his religious faith, and stumbled upon some of the greatest people who unknowingly helped him threw the next few years of his life! Friends without faces from unknown places sort to speak.. This went on for days, weeks, years. Letters were mailed (real letters), birthday cards were sent.. (i was just thinking of a few people when i moved and went thru some old letters/cards two months ago) Never knowing last names, it would be impossible to attempt to find these people after all this time.. Until tonight, when i freaken smiled and almost got teary when as soon as i saw a friend request from G___ O____, followed by L____ L____. Two of my very best friend/pen pals back then.. You both have no idea how much i've thought about you over the years! ..Welp, that is enough of that [-; "

Reading that made me feel really good. I'm glad I can have any type of positive impact on someone, especially people I care about. It also helps me to appreciate the people that I have in my life that I have never "officially" met yet. People I've met on AOL, The Palace, Second Life, World of Warcraft, Minecraft - all of those social games and chat rooms I find myself on and connecting with people on. Then there are the people I've known forever, lost touch with and connected with online.

I had a best friend in my early 20's that I lost touch with. I was focusing on my son's physical and mental issues, and she moved to Indiana during that time. We recently got in touch again on Facebook. I love that I can do that.

I know I go on about this every once in awhile but I love that we can use technology to create life long friendships and connections. ...And with people who don't even speak the language! I have two good friends online who don't speak English. We use Google's translator, or the one that comes with Facebook. It's amazing to me. We share movie suggestions, TV shows, music. I love it.

I've been half distracted for the past half hour. I was on WoW and the repair guy was installing a light fixture. I really do need to have a quiet time of the day to write but, it never works out that way. I wish I had an office.

Good Day

Today... I played World of Warcraft. Yeah, that was pretty much it. For the first time in a long time, I didn't have to drive anyone anywhere. I didn't have to do much but straighten up, stay home for whichever kids had shortened day, help with dinner and just relax. Not sure how that happened but I'm not complaining :D

I spent the whole day with G gaming. We did necessary stuff. We did not so necessary stuff. I had a good time. He only got impatient one time that I can remember. I can't help being myself k? :P

I have stuff to write about but I feel sleepy and I want to get ready for bed. I will probably meditate for a bit too.

Not Allowed

Rough night. My nephew decided for himself that he's the head of the house and tried to boss everyone around. I told him, "You're not King ______" and he didn't like that. So what does he do? He yells at me because I didn't wash dinner dishes yet. I was going to do them of course, but I wanted the kids to get to bed so I could relax, put the headphones on and clean before bed. It's a positive to me that way. It's also a way to unwind. Take out that last bit of adrenaline on the dishes and counter tops. Breathe while I do it, and practice mindfulness. That was the plan anyway.

So the kid goes to the kitchen, brings the pan out, and flips it over onto the carpet. Tuna casserole! I was furious, told him to clean it up, and my mother yells at ME. It's bullshit.

He half-assed cleaned it so I have to go over it, and the living room smells like tuna casserole. I really wish his mother would get off of the drugs, get her life together and raise her son. I love him. I'm the only one who takes care of him, and pulls for him when it comes to getting what he needs. And I refuse to let him grow up thinking it's okay to be abusive to anyone. He's fourteen years old. I'm the grown up, not him, and it's my job to teach him these things. I understand his life sucks. I understand he has huge anger issues with his mother and what he was raised around. It's not an excuse or a reason to act like this or treat anyone this way. It is NOT allowed.

*breathes* I'm going to do this floor, straighten up the kitchen, put the dog away, get my pj's on and get in bed.

I'm Breathing!

...or not. You can't win over someone who doesn't want to be won. What can I do.

I write a lot more when I'm not spending time with G. I know it's because when I'm with him, he's the one I talk to. He's my sounding board. He's the one I want to tell everything to. It's how I am. He's nothing like that. He tells me things but, there's a lot about him I don't know. It's not for lack of asking questions. He just doesn't share a lot. I was always okay with that because when he did share, it made me feel special. Like it was something he was giving me, not something I had to ask for.

I think he's done with me. He didn't write me out of his life but, he still hasn't spoken to me. He told me that he loves me. He's shown that he loves me. But when he's angry, he knows how to turn it all off if he feels he has to. I'm not going anywhere. I know exactly what I want.

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I didn't do too much today. I straightened up the house. I went out and let my mom check on my sisters. I bought dinner stuff. We're having tuna casserole tonight. I've been wanting to make it all week but my mother kept buying ingredients for other things. I really think she's becoming senile. She does so many "off" things and, there's no consistency. It drives me nuts but, all I can do is try to keep my sanity and make sense of things. I need to be sure the kids are stable too. Kids come first.

I'm sure I'll write more later. I told a friend I'd do something with her on WoW. Blah, so awkward being on and not doing anything with him. And what about the stuff I need to get done? If I don't do it it doesn't get done. If I do it without him, he'll see it and possibly get bothered without telling me he's being bothered... and then get mad enough to delete me and I won't be able to handle it... *breathes*

OOOHHHMMMMMMM

Last night was the first time in awhile that I haven't fallen asleep with G. It sucked. Finally, after an hour of laying there, I decided to meditate. It really helped a lot. Immediately afterwards, I was less jumpy, and a lot more calm. I fell asleep right after and... slept ten hours. I know I needed it. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep for the past week. I feel tons better.

I love G. I want him in my life. He hasn't walked away. He just needed to cool down. I know I'm going to have to be the one to break the ice, but I'm afraid to talk to him. That unknown of "Will he still be angry at me or will he be okay and have missed me too?" I'll say hi to him in a bit.

Last night, I found out that someone that I thought was a friend, really does not like me but has been pretending to be super cool with me. I thought that stuff stopped happening in high school. I'm just going to distance myself. No need to confront someone like that. Not worth my time.


...I do feel tons better after meditating and sleeping ten hours. Now to get my man back.

I Want You To Be My Love

I've never really listened to Over the Rhine. I came across this song while watching Heartland and I've been stuck on it for the past week. It's simple and sweet. I play it, close my eyes and think about what it feels like to love someone, to want them, and to be able to tell them so.

Loving has always been easy for me. To be genuinely interested in someone. To love someone unconditionally, without asking anything of them. I don't know why I love this way. I like how I am though. I'm afraid of a lot of things but putting my heart on the line, giving someone my heart and hoping they don't tear it apart, to me that's a brave thing.

Love this song...

I want you to be my love...

The Day Is Not Over

Today was just one of those days, and it's not over. I woke up to sister drama. She was having a fight with her boyfriend on the street outside of our place. It's so embarrassing to me when they do that. They'll start yelling, throwing things... She's 38 years old! If you want to fight, go somewhere else.

I didn't want to dwell on it. I was glad when my mom grabbed her and left. After the house cleared (for the most part), I got up and started talking to G. I missed him yesterday. He was hanging with his guys, gaming and having fun :) We were supposed to do stuff today but, I was so anxious and just not feeling well. I didn't even have the energy to say much. I kept trying to engage him in conversation but, I was feeling blah and, something was going on with him too. He wasn't talking either, and he seemed in a mood.

My nephew stayed home from school for whatever reason. I didn't even know he was here until after my mom had left. He came downstairs to get something and I was just so disappointed that I didn't say anything. He stayed home yesterday because his pants had a hole in them... We bought him some new clothes last night. I don't understand why he didn't go. He started talking about an assignment he didn't finish and I don't know what else. I wanted just ONE day alone this week :(

... G is angry at me. I'm so anxious over it, and hurt. Nothing I can do when he shuts me out but wait.

I've been so edgy the past few days over that inspection. I got hardly any sleep until last night. I feel so hellish and "jet lagged". It always comes out as anxiety for me. I'd love to simply not feel well and let my body take care of itself without it having all kinds of crazy things happen instead. G recommended a book to me. I'm going to see if I can find it. He's been really supportive and sweet to me lately. I wish I could do something for him. The little bit I can do, I never get the opportunity or the time, or the space. It makes me so sad too. He's a great guy who deserves so much more.

My day is half over and I still have to figure out what's for dinner and a few other things. I know myself. My insecurity is going to take over and I'll be worrying until I hear from G again. I just hope I don't have a panic attack over it. I can't handle another panic attack right now. I had one earlier that just wore me out.

Why am I such a wreck?

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

It never fails. On the nights I'm exhausted and hope to get the minimum of 7 hours sleep... I only get 4 or 5. I'm tired but wired. Fun times. My plan is to go ahead and get out of bed, finish up that kitchen, and see if I can fall asleep again later. Maybe I'll get a 3 hour nap in after the kids go to school, and sleep calmly because I got stuff done. That's the plan anyway... :)





...and I got caught up on Pinterest. I looked up ONE muffin recipe, clicked on a Pinterest one and kept going from there. Guess I'll start some muffins while I clean the kitchen and hope not to fall asleep in the middle of it!

Writing Is Supposed to Help Too

Today is going to suck. The next few days are going to suck. Not only are we having another apartment inspection that we aren't prepared for, but I seem to be even more anxious this time around than the other times. I couldn't sleep all night. I'd fall asleep but I kept waking up worrying about things I didn't get done... important things that could jeopardize our living situation.

I started writing lists. I thought that would clear my head and get some of the anxiety out. Nope. I'm exhausted and as much as I'd love to get everything done, I don't want to make myself sick in the process by pushing myself.

It didn't help that we only had two days notice, and my family members did the minimal amount of help that they could get away with. Blah, they'll be here in an hour!. All I want to do is go back to bed, but I'll lay there and start having an anxiety attack again.