Updated - 9-30

I think I'm having some kind of horrible migraine. My head is killing me and I've been nauseous. I also keep seeing things like, flashy? Just light and dark. Feels like a migraine anyway. I don't like meds, so I just lay down with a cold cloth on my head til it goes away.

GG is going to be busy working til around dinner time.
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GG didn't get on. I know he's really busy working, my poor baby. I didn't do a whole lot today. The family went out to eat, then drove around town and hit the thrift stores. I was looking for some books to read but, nothing caught my eye.

I wish I knew how to build webpages like I used to. I have a great idea for a room I want to build, and I need to impliment a webpage for it. Hmmm going to brainstorm this.

I was up watching Netflix, and it's time to get in bed. Good night Universe!

yeah...

... As hard to deal with as my ex can be, I would never let anyone talk bad about him or disrespect him. I wish he showed me the same courtesy.

An Observation

When so much time has gone by, and your stomach still jumps when you see a guy show up online, that means something.

Trying to Forget

I'm having one of those days where I wish that I could disappear. But where would I go?
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I've only read 9 out of 40 books for this year's challenge. I'm surprised but not. This has been a really tough year for me. It's hard to focus while dealing with a break up, a new relationship, and all the stuff that goes with it.

There are books I'm reading that aren't stories like my sign language books and books on different topics. I don't count those of course. Maybe I shouldn't add the "inbook" part to my name anymore :(
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I had a somewhat busy day.  I took the middle kid to the doctors in the next town over. I figured since I was there, I'd go and get my son some groceries and visit with him for a bit. I bought the stuff for Chile Relleno Casserole but ended up having a hot dog at Dairy Queen with the family instead. No, I didn't get any ice cream. I behaved, came home and had a sugar free Fudgesicle instead. My sweetheart was messaging me on Skype all day while I was doing stuff. I love when he does that :D

So... after reading and checking out all of these Bullet Journal layouts, I decided to keep using my planner until the end of the year, and decide then what I want to use for my next year's planner. I know. I get excited over the little things. I love my planner! Stickers, pretty tape and markers make it fun. Man, I need a life!

P.S. I think it's time...

• Listening to: Josh Turner - Your Man
  
• Reading: Looking for the next book
• Watching: Criminal Minds on Netflix. Almost done with season 10!
• Playing: I've been wanting to play Neopets again
• Eating: sugar free Fudgesicle
• Drinking: water

Quick Entry

I've started watching a lot of vids about planners and journals. This past year, I've been using the Passion Planner off and on. It really helped me to keep organized and I had fun decorating it. I sort of gave it up when I was dealing with a lot of stress in the beginning of the year. I want to start getting back in the habit, and at the same time, find a system that will help me this coming year.

I have a few projects coming up that I want to organize. I'm still working on current projects but I need to be more productive with those too and come up with some structure so I don't slack too much. I'll figure this out :)

I'm sleepy. I woke up early after only 4 hours sleep. This is good. Maybe I can fix my sleep again for awhile. I'm going to leave an offliner for my guy and get in bed with some crossword puzzles. Good night Universe!

A Short Poem Without a Title

... I tell you my story.
I smile as a tear falls.
Sometimes I try to laugh through the pain.
Questions are on the tip of your tongue but you quietly listen.
I see in your eyes that you want to hold the little girl who used to be me.
You can. She's still in there and...
she needs you. My love.

Hallelujah

I feel pretty damn good. I took the day off for the most part, and realized, I'm okay and I'm happy.

I'm done being pathetic and missing something that was probably all in my head. I loved him more than he loved me. I waited and he never would have. Every time he tells me all of the things he's doing for his new relationship that he never did for me, it shows me that, even after I was with him for two years, I didn't mean as much to him as a woman he's only known for 2 months.

So, I'm done :) I'm totally, completely, utterly done. I'm done missing him in that way. I'm done being in love with him. I'm done remembering the "good stuff", and torturing myself with "what if's".

D O N E...

Quick Quiz

I saw this on a friend's FB and thought I would do it here.

Single or Taken: I'm with someone but we don't say "taken". We don't own each other :)
Crushing: I don't think so unless you count Keanu Reeves and Nicolas Cage.
Height : 5ft 6
Favorite Color: I've always said dark red, dark blue, black and silver. But lately I'm liking deep purple.
Want Kids: I have kids and I kind of want them lol
Snapchat: nope, everyone I want to talk to I have on skype and my cell
Zodiac Sign: I'm a Gemini. My boyfriend is also a Gemini, which is interesting.
Last drank: Diet rootbeer mmmm
Cat or Dog: Dogs though I do have one cat. Not by choice.
Evil or Good: Chaotic Neutral... < going with that answer
Favorite Sport: Baseball, or Nascar
Favorite Animal: Spider Monkeys :D
Do you have haters?: Yep, just a few. If they want to hold hate inside of them, that's on them.
Funny or Nahh: I'm kind of funny when I'm not being shy.
Apple or Android: Android! I love my phone, and my tablet.
Batman or Superman:Duh, Superman, though I love a good villian just as much. The Joker... Catwoman was pretty awesome.

I had a fun day and a quiet night. Nothing I want to write about really. I have the dogs tucked in, stuff done and put away, and now I'm ready for bed. Good night Universe.

Yay....?

This Saturday is going to be what would have been Jett's and my 2nd year anniversary. So, I'm going to stay off pally for the weekend, and "celebrate" it by watching the new episodes of Fuller House. Maybe I won't be sad and I can laugh instead.

I feel like I'm waiting for something. What, I don't know. Whatever it is, I hope it's amazing.

Begin Again

I'm going to watch this again from the beginning.... I LOVED Switched at Birth. It taught me about deaf culture. I learned basic ASL. I enjoyed the stories and the romances. I cried during a few episodes. I wish it didn't have to end but, at least it's there to watch all over again :)

I just realized what a fool I've been.

9-14-17

I was reading through an old Yahoo log from my ex.

A lot of the conversation was, fun, "coupley" stuff. Editing together. Gossiping together. Sharing links and looking up random stuff. In between, was the mush, the compliments, the "babes" and "babys".

We had a lot of deep conversations about things. ..Some of it was sad. About loved ones we've lost, people we miss. I got to a part about his best friend, his baby, and I had to stop. All I kept thinking was, I never got to meet him. Maybe one day I can read past that but, it's too soon. Sometimes, I feel like he was mine too.

== == == == == == == == == == == == == ==
I had a good day. I picked up my glasses. They're kind of difficult to get used to. I also think I'm allergic to the metal in them. I have a rash where the metal touches the side of my head. I'll have to tell someone.

I had a good therapy appointment. We mostly talked about how I mess myself up when it comes to doing things that are good for me. I'll be working on that.

I got to spend time with GG before he went to work. He's going to work while I sleep. I feel lucky to have him. When a man tells you every day that you're beautiful, and other nice things, you get spoiled. And yet, this is stuff a boyfriend SHOULD be telling his girlfriend right? How would I know. I never dated a guy who did that very much.

Jett and I made up. It's hard to stay mad at someone when they text you with "Ya finished hating me now?". I saw that and broke out into a huge smile. And of course, I could never hate him.

== == == == == == == == == == == == == ==
And.... he goes and pisses me off again by calling me selfish because he didn't really read what I answered to his question... *sighs* I'm going to find something in Netflix and get in bed. Good night Universe.

Zzzzzzzz

I had the worst sleep last night. The stress has been keeping me up. Every time I laid down, I got chest pains. I mean, they hurt so badly, they woke me up through the night and I could feel them through to my back. I still feel exhausted. I can feel it in my body and see it in my face. I really thought those chest pains were going to kill me. On the bright side.... I woke up.

GG is online, talking to me during work. I talked to him last night about what's been going on and things he might hear. I also told him who I've been sitting with and that I've been hearing there are whispers. He said "fuck everyone. do what you like, and screw everyone who will gossip about you to me or to others". Most guys can't handle their girlfriends being near another guy or greeting them or talking to them.

Today I pick up my glasses. I was going to do it yesterday but I was too tired. I also have a therapy appointment which is going to suck. She's going to say "You were doing so well last week! What happened?", and when I tell her....

I wish I could just crawl back into bed. Still so tired.

I'm Here

You know, I was finally doing okay. I felt emotionally healthy and strong. I felt like no matter what I felt, it wasn't going to hold me back or make me question everything I was doing. I finally accepted how things were and how they were going to go.

Why in the damn hell did he have to say and do what he did? WHY?! Then to try to fix it with "I'm sorry", and trying to make me think I imagined it all when I have logs and witnesses? No.

....just.... no.

Nope, Not at All

From Pinterest

Blah 9-14

I love this room. It's so cozy and perfect. I need to replace it. I need to find a new library :(

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

When someone says, "stop and believe in me" and then does the I one thing they said they wouldn't do...

I am mad at him but, I'm angrier at myself for believing him and believing in him.

I've Got Better Things To Do

I woke up at 4:30am. I made my coffee, talked to GG for a bit, helped the kids get ready for school. I need to find some more things to occupy my time. I think I need to distance myself from Pally and Skype for awhile. I'm tired of the nonsense, the drama, watching people be made fools of over other people who don't really care about them but who only like the chase. It stresses me out too much. I also don't like feeling like I don't matter. Or that I'm only important when other people aren't around. It's not a good feeling.

I did get on pally for a teensy bit because I was asked by my sis. Someone named Moi started talking to me about books. He recommended some so I'm going to check them out. We also talked about writing. He's been journaling for 30 years. I love it! I've been keeping a journal or blog since I was 13 so I love hearing about other people and their writing.

...GG told me that he's staying off Palace and only sticking to Skype messages so he can focus on work.

• Listening to: the silence
  
• Reading: nothing yet
• Watching: nothing here either
• Playing: nothing but I should be
• Eating: I had ONE donut hole. I'll behave and make an egg or something.
• Drinking:coffee

Some ASL Stuff

I was glancing at FB and saw this vid in one of the ASL communities I'm in.

Of course I love any video with Nyle DiMarco. He's pleasant to watch. He has a great attitude, always smiles and he makes sure everyone can understand his vids.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
...I've been slacking with my ASL. My mind has been preoccupied with other things for one. But also, I see how great other people are doing, and I think, "I don't know if I can ever be that good at it". I forget a lot if I don't practice and I don't have anyone to really practice with.

I need to quit getting in my own way, not just with this, but a lot of things. I don't have a lot of confidence with my writing, the ASL... I think, "there are so many great novels out there, and so many awful ones. What if my writing isn't even as good as the awful ones?" I really need to quit doing this to myself. I never let the kids think this way. I encourage them in anything they want to do, and the same goes with my friends who have "dreams" of doing something.

Sometimes, I forget that I really don't have to be here.

There's Still Time

I fucked up.... again. *sighs* I just need to have faith that things are going to go the way they're supposed to.

I talked to my little sis, and I told her the truth about what I've been thinking and feeling. She knew already. She listened, and gave her input and some advice. The one thing the said that stood out though was this: There's still time.

I'm going to sleep. I make stupid decisions when I'm tired.

Sometimes You're the Windshield

I think I'm pms'ing. I keep wanting to cry. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach again, like the butterflies but it's pain. All I can do is take care of myself and love myself and hug myself until it's gone.

I shouldn't feel this way. I had a really good weekend. It felt like everything was going the way it's supposed to. I don't know why. It was a feeling like, "everything is back to normal". I was calm. I wasn't aggitated, worried, stress or anything like that.

Think I'll clean house and try not to think about things. I'm not sure what things. Just try not to think at all.

I got to spend some time with MSK. That was nice. We didn't really say a lot. Some days we're in sync and chatty and stuff, and some days we just kind of sit there and stare at our avs.

*sighs*

Yum

Shrimp ceveche mmmmm

Zero

Lately, I have zero tolerance for drama. I will listen to other people's drama, because it helps them sometimes. But if anyone brings any to my yard, I will shut it down quick.

There's a woman who is trying to get into my relationship. It's someone that I thought was okay at first because I never noticed the things she does. I liked her. Now I see the manipulative game she's playing. I don't put up with any of that, especially if someone is coming after my relationship.

I don't play games and I suck at fighting against game players. So all I can do is what my guy said, "don't feed the troll". Don't give her any power, or any ammo. She can pretty much sit there wishing she had the man I'm with. I'm Nosi. I'm smart, and I'm strong. So come at me lady and you'll find this out *rawr* :)

Hopelessly Devoted

My net is really bad, so I'm on my phone data on the laptop but watching Netflix on my tablet with the house wifi. It seems to be working. I'm watching Grease, which is an old favorite. This song just came on...

Olivia Newton-John - Hopelessly Devoted
Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you

You know I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But, baby, can't you see
There's nothing else for me to do?
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying, "Fool, forget him."
My heart is saying, "Don't let go.
Hold on till the end."
And that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you

Something Good

GG: you're wonderful yourself, you just don't know it
GG: you have a beautiful heart, a bright mind, and the ability to communicate and share... you are principle driven (for better or for worse, more better than worse), you listen, you talk, you are level headed, responsible, sweet, caring, loving, indignant when you have to be, even thinking your reactions to everything through... you are adorable and anyone would be so lucky to have you
GG: flaws? yes... we all have them
GG: but for as long as I can be in your heart, all is good

I was looking for something he said and came across that. It's nice when someone notices the good things in you and chooses to not put importance on the bad. It makes me feel good to read this.

Everyone should feel this cherished and adored.

I have an eye dr's appointment in 6 hours and I haven't slept yet. This is going to suck.

Tuesday

One thing I like about my new relationship is, we can talk about anything and everything. If something is bothering me, I can tell him and we'll talk about it.

I still worry. I worry that I'll say something and he'll tell me I'm too much and leave. So far he hasn't. He said "we're on the same team".

I Want Something Just Like This

My day was eh. I had a bunch of plans and forgot that the youngest niece has my bank card and she was out of town. I ended up picking up dinner and coming home.
It's so warm and really humid today so I don't feel like doing much. Maybe my energy will perk up later.

The Chainsmokers - Something Just Like This
I've been reading books of old
The legends and the myths
Achilles and his gold
Hercules and his gifts
Spiderman's control
And Batman with his fists
And clearly I don't see myself upon that list

But she said, "Where d'you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I'm not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gifts.
Some superhero,
Some fairytale bliss.
Just something I can turn to.
Somebody I can kiss.
I want something just like this."

 

My Day 8-3

I had a really nice and busy day. It was so hot on our side of town so we went downtown which is closer to the beach. We got some food, went up into the hills and took pictures. The middle kid had a report due Tuesday so we went to the library and got some stuff done for that. It was fun. We stayed cool with a lot of cool drinks and ice cream/frozen yogurt.

Throughout all of this, I took a bunch of pictures for MSK. I wanted him to see the fun stuff we did and share my day with him. He loved it. Then I got home and we talked about some issues we have. There's a female who said some things about him and tried to get me out of the picture. Instead, it moved us closer. He sat with me, for hours. We're not going to tag. We both agreed. And honestly, I see now that they don't mean anything. Look at how many times people put them on and take them off? I don't want that. Not with this relationship.

This is still hard for me. MSK knows this and why.

I think Jett will be fine. He told me 4 times to work things out with MSK and, I'm pretty sure he meant it. I gave him two chances to make things different and he didn't choose me. So, that's my sign. Move on and keep going forward.

It's 2am, MSK just went to bed and now I'm going to find something on Netflix to watch. I want to get into a new show. I just finished Young & Hungry and I loved it! I'll get on and see what's new. New stuff in September, yay :D

This is a Lego city that they're building at my library in the kid's section. Pretty awesome.

 

 

• Listening to: my fan going. it's so hot in here!
  
• Reading: Same book as earlier, but only 10 pages to go!
• Watching: nothing yet. Still looking.
• Playing: Crossword puzzles in a bit.
• Eating: my cookie from earlier that came with my KFC box
• Drinking: Water. Water is life!

 

 

I got on pally and was sitting in my corner, as usual. MSK whispered me to slide to my left a bit, and then he sat with me for the first time. It was interesting.

mmmmm Books!

I woke up with a song in my head. I do pretty much every morning. Either it's a song I've heard the day before or just something I keep hearing. Today it's Ed Sheeran - Shape of You. I hope it's not in my head all day.

I still haven't seen or spoken to MSK. I know he has stuff going on in real, and other things going on. I was hoping that we could stay friends. I loved our convos, about religion and other things. We don't agree on a lot of things, but we never argued. We learned from each other. We listened to the other's beliefs and even if we "knew" the other was wrong, we didn't talk down to each other. We made each other feel listened to, and respected. I wasn't used to that.

I've hardly been on palace at all lately. I'll get on when I wake up to check on Roo. She has some stuff going on. I'll get on again before bed, after I've watched stuff or read stuff. I try to stay out during the day when I can. I'm kind of proud of myself. I have less drama. I hear less things about people. And I don't feel like a lazy bum who sits online all day. All good things!

I'm going to take this kid to the library. She has a report due Tuesday. I forgot Monday was a holiday. I love the library. It was always like my second home. I'll see what I find there :D

Nice Night

I just edited and rewrote the last two entries. Reading them again, I don't think they were fair to him. When I see something like that, I will correct it.

I realized what was making me hurt so much and making me crazy. This is September. Our two year anniversary month. It would have been two years on September 23. Happy non-anniversary to me....
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I had a really good night. I took the kids to the movies. We went to see Wish Upon. I let the kids pick the movie. It was a horror movie, which I haven't been to since I saw SAW III with my friend Sage. I had to go and get popcorn during the scary garbage disposal scene. I told the kids we would try to see a movie once a month. It was at the cheaper $3 theater so I think we can manage that and popcorn :)

I went to Trader Joe's and bought some strawberries and a bunch of veggies to snack on. I haven't lost any more weight lately and I need to keep trying. I have to lose enough before my next ultrasound, just in case. I was stressing on it today. I woke up with a lot of pain on my right ribs. I laid back and felt around but I didn't feel anything but the pain. No lump or what felt like a little bean under the skin. It's hot, like a fever. If I feel worse this weekend, I'll go in. This is how it felt before so, I just keep telling myself it's okay.

I'm going to eat my strawberries and find a book to read while I lay with my doggies. Cali is supposed to leave this weekend but we might get another week. Not sure. My mom is being heartless about this. I want to say, fuck it, and find a way to make money and try to work through the panic attacks. I need my own place, even if it's in the neighborhood so I can help with the kids. I'll keep thinking on this and praying.

Ouch

I woke up okay. I got 9 hours of much needed sleep. I checked my phone. Double checked on my appointment times. Then it hit me. The depression. The same depression that I've been feeling in waves since March. There's never a reason for it. It just, lands on me. It feels like there's this heavy, thick, dense ... thing... surrounding me, weighing me down. That part in the middle of your stomach where you feel butterflies and excitement... it hurts so badly there. I feel like I want to cry but I don't. I just spend the day with this weighed down feeling surrounding me.

I don't tell anyone about these feelings but two people. The one I told most about it, I told him because I thought he would understand. I don't go into the darkness if I can help it. I try to do things to fight it if I feel I have it in me. Some days, I get online and just sit there, say hi to people because that's all I can do. I can't just roll over and play dead.

The other person I told, he listened. He gave me advice, even looked stuff up for me to try that would help. He got me to make another therapy appointment. He's been a good friend, even though he's going through depression himself. 

I wish I had more friends like this.