Thoughts Before Bed #9

I had a busy day. In the morning, my mom had a doctor's appointment. They made an appointment to do a brain scan on her, to see whether she has Alzheimers. She's been doing and saying a lot of strange things lately so they want to see what's going on with her brain. It could even be something different like her thyroid or a few other things. On a positive, she lost weight. Cooking at home and not eating fast food for 2 months, made a difference. My cooking is healthy!

The middle kid had a job interview today at our favorite sushi place. If she gets it, we can get a discount :D After the interview, we went to pick up driver's manuals from the DMV. Both of the girls want to get their permits. Scary! I'm going to pay for lessons for them. I'd rather they learn good habits from a professional than learning how to drive, through friends.

We went to a Mexican restaurant we haven't been to yet. It was really good. I want to start doing and trying new things. After we got home, the middle kid made brownies.

More stuff happened today but I'm getting tired. I've been tired all day but I was waiting until everyone was asleep so no one would bother me. Now, I'm going to get in bed with my crossword puzzle and my book, and see how long it takes me to doze off. I'm going to say 15 mins.... Good night Universe.

Still Checking Out Sales

I found this at the store for $2 since it's on Christmas clearance. I love this movie! It's one of the movies I watch every Christmas season :D I'm going to use the tin to hold my craft stuff.

I'm Not Here - Updated

I had a bad dream again. I was with him, but he didn't see me. I'd talk to him, and it was like I was invisible. I didn't matter. I yelled at him... pushed his mouse on the floor.... All he did was pick it up like I wasn't there.

I'm going back to sleep.
===================================
Just as I was falling asleep, my phone lit up and my net Mom says "are you okay?" It was like she knew. So I told her about my dream but she wasn't there and my "sis" was. So I talked about the dream with her, and all she said was, "I won't judge you". Not sure what she would judge me about. I can't control my dreams.

The more I think about it, the more I realize, it's just a stupid dream. I'm invisible to him. So what? All that means is, he meant more to me than I meant to him. I knew that already. So, I'm going to bed now.

If I dream about him again, maybe I'll wake up in the dream and flip him off. Fuck you babe. Seriously, fuck you.

Mmmm

Hot lemon tea with honey warms the soul...

Trying Not To Break the Car...

I picked up the spark plug wires for the car. Now I get to learn how to put them in. I hope I don't break anything! Times like this, I wish I had someone around who knew something about cars :x It shouldn't be too hard, because it's all up on top and in front. I won't have to go underneath anything. I'll watch the vid again, just in case...

I need to fix my sleep again. I was doing fine for 2 months waking up at 7am, but the last few days I've been sleeping in. I know it's because the kids are up later and being louder longer. I need to fix this before it gets out of hand again. I was so proud of myself! I feel like I failed when I sleep in too late now.

I'm going to do a bunch of cleaning and scrubbing so I can wear myself out for tonight. BBL!

I've been struggling with some things all day. Thoughts and feelings. I wish it would stop for awhile.

I Will Go Down With This Ship

Dido - White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Thoughts Before Bed #8

We went to the after Christmas sales today. I didn't find much, but I don't really want or need anything. I DID find a really cool cordless, bluetooth headset that has FM radio on it. That would have come in handy during the fires. I bought a new flashlight that has a screwdriver and other things inside of it. I bought a few other things. Everything was on sale for 50% off and for the house.

I made pizza and hot wings for dinner. For dessert I just had a few chocolates I was craving. I really need to watch myself. I've eaten sweets during the holiday. I'll behave from now on though. I have a dr's appointment in a few weeks to check on some lumps we were watching. She'll want to see my blood sugar too. Time to start working on that better.

I bought a new calendar for the upcoming year. Tomorrow I'll write birthdays and events in it and hang it in the family area.

...I've been doing a lot of thinking. I have a lot more time for thinking lately. 

I'm going to straighten up some and then get in bed. Good night Universe.

P.S. I want to go home.

Quick Update

I treated myself and bought Cats & Dogs for Sims4. I'll leave it downloading while I'm out and about. The youngest wants to help me make all 3 of our pets later. We'll see how that works :D

I wanted Vamps but, I'll have to wait til the next sale. 

Thoughts Before Bed #7 - Christmas

It was a quiet day. The kids already celebrated with their brother the other day so, we all slept in. When I woke up, I made french toast with lemon butter. It was so good. I told them I'll make them on holidays if they want.

I had an ex-boyfriend whose father always made french toast on the holidays. I thought it was a nice idea but, I never thought to do it myself. Maybe it will give the kids some nice memories. A new tradition to do every year maybe.

My son got kicked out of his group home. He had a meltdown and, they want him out by the end of the month. I'm going to have to make a bunch of calls tomorrow and see what I can do for him. I'm trying not to stress out over this. It's not going to do him any good if I make myself sick. I have a few other things I need to do tomorrow, and I told the kids we'd go shopping for after Christmas sales. Busy, busy day.

A bunch of people have been messaging me, emailing me, or messaging me on FB to get on Palace for the holiday so, I jumped on for a bit earlier. It's not the same. I have some people on there that I think of as family, and that I really care about. The rest, I didn't miss at all. I don't need fake friends, gossip mongers, or anything like that, around me. The only person I want to talk to, doesn't even get on anymore. I'm tired of sleep walking through life, sitting on Palace while time and the rest of the world go by. I'm better than that.

I have plans, and I have goals. I'm going to get my shit together, go back to who I used to be when I was better and stronger, and I'm going to get my man back. I'm not going to do any of that sitting around on palace. 2018 is going to be the year I change things back to the way they're supposed to be. *rawr*

Now, I'm going to take a Benadryl and get in bed with my book. I'm freezing! Good night, Universe!

Thoughts Before Bed #6

I restarted my ASL lessons from the beginning. I was feeling really discouraged. The ASL group I'm in, they're so far ahead of me and they discuss so many things I hadn't even thought about. The grammar for ASL is different than the one for SEE or English. Some words are only for different regions too, and considered dialects. I had never thought of that. I felt really overwhelmed and like, I would never understand it all. I can't give up though.

Today was a busy day again. I'm too tired to write it all down. I'm glad the kids already did their Christmas celebrating when their brother was visiting. I can sleep in til 10 tomorrow. Good night Universe!

P.S. I took some pics of the dogs. I'll try to post them tomorrow. My blogging app doesn't seem to be uploading properly.

Thoughts Before Bed #5

I miss him. I was thinking earlier about how the whole time we were together, I never would have thought that this is how we'd turn out. What happened to us? How is this, what we are now?
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I had a good day. I went out for my favorite soup. I got some shopping done. I bought a bunch of stuff for the dogs for Christmas. New blankets, some stuffed animals without eyes they can chew off. Cali got a nice sweater with a hood on it. She loves it.

I've been watching Shameless on Netflix. I'm on season 4 now. I think I'm going to switch over to something else. I don't know. I don't feel like watching anything really. I'm in a mood. I hope it doesn't last long.

Thoughts Before Bed #4

I'm going to bed later than usual. This morning, I woke up at 7am like I usually do, but it was so cold, I stayed in bed and slept another 3 hours. I ended up getting 10 hours sleep. Then, I woke up from a nightmare that someone I love was trying to text me. I'd see his pic, see that he texted, and when I'd go to check it, it would disappear :( He was trying to tell me something important, but I couldn't read it. I woke up so anxious.

I had a busy day. I did everything I needed to, except for the car insurance. I also bought birthday cakes for my nephew and niece. They both turned 18! It was a good day :)

Tomorrow, I'm going to do some thrift store shopping and see if I can find some more books. Now that I'm not on Palace, I have more time for reading.

I'm tired and I'm freezing. Setting my alarm clock for 6 hours from now so I don't wreck my sleep. Good night Universe :)

Thoughts Before Bed #3

My nephew left for home today with his wife. They live six, or so, hours away. It was nice having them. They said that eventually, they want to move back this way. I hope they do.

Sometimes, I worry about what will happen to my son if anything happened to me. I think my oldest nephew would take care of him if he's closer. He went to visit him today, and brought his favorite foods over. They surprised him and he was so happy to see them and meet his wife. She was okay with him. She listened to him and didn't think he was "weird" or "retarded" or any other word people use when they don't understand someone with mental illness. I'm glad. She even hugged him good bye and said that family doesn't give handshakes :)

I took the "new" car in for a tune-up and got some stuff done around town. Tomorrow, I pick up my diabetes meds, get insurance on the car, pay the utility bills, and hmmm.... there was something else. I'm sure I'll remember it later. Oh, get a spare key made for the car. Remind me, Universe! So glad I write this stuff down.

MyFavoritePlanet sent me a book earlier. It looks interesting but I might want to read something else first. He always sends me what I consider, heavy reading. Stuff that requires a lot of thought, and right now, my brain is going through enough. I'll see what I find.

MFP is doing okay lately. For those who forgot, MFP is a good friend that I've known for 20 years online. He lives in Hawaii and when he went to college in Cali, I went to go meet him with my son and my boyfriend at the time. He's like a little brother to me. I give him big sisterly advice and he doesn't take any of it... Like a brat brother. When I'm looking for books, he'll send me some. That's his way of taking care of me. If I say I want something online, he'll find it.

It's good to have people in your life, that you can count on.

I'm going to pick one of these books I have, and read them until I fall asleep. Good night Universe :)

Wonder Woman

(I tried to post this the other day but it never Published.)

I saw this big sticker book at Michael's and I had to have it! I've always loved Wonder Woman. 

When I was a little girl, there weren't a lot of women to look up to. There was Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, and a few random women that were "nice" but not bad ass. I'm glad she's still out there being a heroine to a new generation of little kids.

Poke Bowl

I haven't had I one of these poke bowls in months. So good! This one has raw salmon, raw tuna, raw scallops, fish eggs, seaweed salad, crab meat and avocado. Oh, there's some ginger, cucumber and brown rice thrown in too. Yum!

Thoughts Before Bed #2

So.... I jumped on pally for 15 mins. A good friend asked me to and, I didn't want to let her down, She's someone who has always been there for me.

It was boring as hell. It was always boring but now, after being off a week, I kept thinking, "Why did I waste so much time here?" I got on, because earlier, my net mom scolded me. She said I shouldn't let my ex being an asshole, affect me or my decisions. She's right. But, honestly, I really don't want to be there anymore.

I have plans. I'm going to get my man back and have a chance to be happy and to make things the way they should be. I'm praying on this and I'm making things happen.

I'm going to bed later than I wanted to but I set my alarm for the usual time. The kids were up late decorating their gingerbread houses and having fun with their brother. I needed some extra unwinding time.

I'm freezing so I'm going to get under the blankets and do a crossword puzzle until I fall asleep. Good night Universe :)

Thoughts Before Bed #1

It's been a busy past few days. We've had company for the holidays. It's been nice :) We also just got a car so I've been doing last minute shopping and getting some stuff done. Life is good.

I'm going to call my therapist tomorrow and try to get back on the waiting list to see her. In the meantime, I'll be working on my goals and seeing what I can do for myself. I need to get this job started, start making some money and eventually, get a place. I want to move the man I love, here, with me. He's not happy where he is. He keeps talking about moving. Why not here? It's an idea that gives me the motivation to get stuff done.

It's past 1am and I'm going to bed. Good night Universe :)

People who care about me and are worried about me, keep sending me email. They're wondering if I'm okay.

They keep telling me that I'm too good for Jett, and that I'm a better friend than he will ever be. I don't want to hear that. How do they even know that Jett and I aren't speaking? I'm not online so it must be him or his chick talking. Grrr

Walls

GG was on and didn't message me or leave me an offliner. I'm going to take that as a hint that he needs space or just doesn't want to be with me and won't say so. This kills me. I should be okay, right? I waited 3 months TWICE for a man who came back just to call me a cheater and a liar. I should be okay waiting for GG, right?

I can't do this anymore. I can't let anyone in anymore.

Random Survey Found on LJ

Name: Nosi
Zodiac Sign: Gemini :)
Sex: *looks down - sees boobs* Female
What Time Is It? 3:37pm

This is the Last Time

I'm reading old journals from 2001 or so. I realized something. I was ALWAYS waiting on men to get their shit together or come back. I waited a year for my ex-fiance when he was in prison. I stayed faithful, loyal and kept the home fires burning for him. When H20 and I were together, I waited 3 months for him, just to find out he wasn't coming back. With my last ex, I waited 3 months twice, plus a month in November and look how that turned out. He accused me of cheating and then told me to take his tag off. I waited for a year when Nautica left, and when he came back, I realized, he wasn't worth the wait. Now, here I am again, waiting for a man to figure out what he wants.

I should prepare myself. I have a feeling he'll be back and tell me that, I'm not what he wants, or that he wants different things. *takes a breath and tries not to cry*

Snow Patrol - Run

"I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done.

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do."

This Again

Four days and no GG. I don't know if I can do this anymore. This hurts too much. It reminds me of when I waited for someone else. I waited three months (twice) feeling like this every day. Hurting, missing him, wondering if he is thinking about me or missing me. I can't do this again.

I don't do well losing people or being left.

Still Working On It

For two days now, I've meditated in the morning. I'm not sure if it's the right meditation I should be doing for anxiety, but it feels good. I'm taking time out for myself to give some positive energy to my day. I'm doing something to take care of myself. I've fixed my sleep, and now I'm meditating. Let's see what other goals I have that I can meet before the year is over :)

I still haven't heard from GG, and that's fine. I know he loves me. What I'm worried about and afraid of is how things will be when he gets back. Will he be distant? Will we be different? What if he decides that I'm too much for him and he doesn't come back? I don't think that will happen but I can't help but worry about it.

It's my fault. I wanted to keep the peace between myself and Jett. I thought he was my best friend. I know he's not though. A best friend wouldn't delete me just because I found out he was lying about being back with his abusive gf. A best friend would be there for me if I were hurting, the way I was there for him when he was hurting. A best friend doesn't abandon you. I'm an idiot. I only wanted to see the good in him but the good isn't there anymore. He's not the man I used to know, and he's not the man I fought for for 2 years.

He is not worth losing GG over. Nope.

This quote I saw on FB says it all ;)

Love Creates Happiness

I'm watching Once Upon a Time on Netflix. Prince Charming said "Losing my life for love... that's a sacrifice I am happy to make." I love this show. It's about fairy tales and happily ever after, but a lot of it is about love.

My favorite Once Upon a Time quote:
"Love, true love, is magic. And not just any magic – the most powerful magic of all. It creates happiness.”

Not Ready

I had my mom help me with lunch. She's not doing very well. It took her so long to cut one potato, and when I looked at it, it was very messy and cut really badly. I looked like the potatoes I used to do when I was 5 :( This is killing me.

Kick Ass

I slept in til 11. Not good but I got plenty of sleep. For around a month, I've fixed my sleep and maintained it. I know it may not seem like much, but I'm proud of myself. This is the longest I've ever been able to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. Go me :D

I'm going to check my Flylady routine on the Cozi calendar. I haven't done that in months. Flylady is a system for cleaning and taking care of your home. I do it every few years when I want to get organized and Spring clean.

I need some structure. If I'm going to be able to help get this business off the ground, I need a schedule, and a better way of doing things. Right now... I'm going to make myself a 2nd cup of coffee, and go kick some ass. Life is good :)

P.S. I miss my friends, but, I feel a lot better about myself now that I've quit Palace, Skype and FB. I feel like less of a loser for sitting around online. I should have done this long time ago!

*dances around the room*

I miss my GG.

I'd love to write more about GG but, I try not to. I like to keep us... separate from everything. He is a truly good man who leads a quiet life. He is brilliant and wise. We don't fight. He's not drama. He looks out for me. He builds me up. He makes me feel loved and wanted and cared for. He sees me, and he knows me. He loves and adores me. I wish I could hold him right now.

This was one of his happy songs :)

Owl City - Fireflies

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread (thread, thread)

Leave my door open just a crack
Please take me away from here
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
Please take me away from here
Why do I tire of counting sheep
Please take me away from here
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell (said farewell)

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar (jar, jar)

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

The Pattern

Yeah, it's happening again. This feeling where I just lost my best friend, even though he's an asshole who drops me when his skeezy gf comes back. They've only been together for four months, but this happens all the time. She'll hurt him and he'll come to me. I'll listen, stand by him, show him why he needs to quit making the same mistake of letting her hurt him. Then she'll wait a few days while passive aggressively texting and "not texting" him. Finally she'll see that he's almost ready to move on, and she'll contact him (or this time his family), and get him back.

Then, from him, comes the lying and the excuses. Every time she gets him back, he lies about it, and then, he tells her the things I said, and she convinces him to delete and block me. Every fucking time. I knew it. I called it days ago when I told him what the pattern was. The sad part about it is, as angry as I am at him, and as hurt as I am by him, I can't imagine telling him to fuck off when he needs me. I should. He makes me so mad sometimes. But, I can't stand to see him in pain. It kills me. ....and then HE kills me.

When she gets bored again, when she's tired of faking that she really missed him and loves him, she's going to pick a fight again, probably on the weekend or a Friday. He's going to message me and tell me that they fought, or that they broke up, or that she left. It's the pattern. He's going to hurt, and I'll probably hurt for him because that's who I am.

What I said up there *points* is going to happen again. You deserve better. You've already heard this speech though. I wish you could be happy, with someone who loves you with everything she has. I want good things for you.

I'm falling asleep and sleepy babbling, so I'm heading to bed. Good night Universe.

I'm hurting. Wake me when it's over.