2-5-24
I was looking at older entries and, not a whole lot has changed. It's disappointing. It makes me sad, angry, frustrated. I feel like my whole life has been me trying to fix my sleep, dealing with anxiety, starting projects I've never finished, dating emotionally unavailable guys, and restarting my life over and over. I'm so glad I have therapy this week!
I think I'm living a better life than I have before. But it seems I'm reliving the same memories over and over again. How do I break this cycle and come out with something different? The anxiety and sleep issues, I don't think, can be helped. I've had them all my life. The difference is, I'm better than I was. I'm no longer stuck in the house when I don't want to be. I haven't been to the ER in awhile with a panic attack. I've been able to relax and manage them myself. My sleep has periods where it will be normal, but unless I have some structure, I can't maintain it. I'm working on that.
Projects I've never finished... I'll start a project, be super excited about it, and then, when it's mostly done, I seem to lose interest. I was cleaning my closet a bit a few weeks ago and found FOUR crochet projects I hadn't finished. Two, were for my fiance who passed, so that's understandable. One was for my older sister who passed. I picked that back up when my fiance passed to keep myself occupied. I did everything but one row, and then the edging. I need to finish that, even if it's just to fold it up and put it away for future gifts. I'll start tomorrow, and maybe listen to an audio book.
UPDATE 2-26-24:
That was written on February 5th. I never took out the crochet projects. I did start listening to an audio book but didn't like the narrator so I went back to reading.
I spoke to my therapist about what was bothering me. She told me that even though the territory feels the same, I'm not in the same place. She started listing how I've grown considering what I went through with my late fiance. His mental illness, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, irrational behavior, then his passing. She told me that since he passed, I started school, let someone new into my heart, knew how to heal myself emotionally, built new habits... She reminded me that my anxiety used to be so bad that I would have to call in my appointments, and that now, I'm driving around town by myself, walking the neighborhood, letting my heart race when I work out. I used to be terrified of everything.
In the past year, I feel I've gotten a lot stronger, and I hold back a lot less. I'm speaking my mind more, and telling people how I feel and what I think. I'll always be me, in my core. But I want to be a better me. It's nice to know that I'm on the right course.
