Thursday, August 31, 2017
*hugs*
You know you really love someone, when you can tell them how to keep their girl, because you want to see them happy...even if it breaks your heart.
Busy Day 8-31-17
I only slept 2 hours today so I can fix my sleep tonight. I have some important things coming up and I need to get that all sorted. I don't know if I can do it. I've been struggling with my sleep since I was a kid. I have to try though.
If I had to describe my day, I'd say it was busy. A friend of mine that I need to make a name for, is having relationship problems with his girl. I tried to be a good friend and I hope I didn't fail. I'm always afraid to say too much or too little. I hope they work things out.
Another friend was having fish issues. His fish was dying :( But I think I gave good advice. My son and I had a fish that lived 13 years, so I kind of think I know something about fish.
Another friend needed advice about her relationship too. I listened, told her of something one of my ex's told me that helped my next relationship, and it helped her. I like seeing people who are good for each other, in a healthy relationship, work things out :)
The youngest kid got a vanity from a neighbor that is really nice. It's going to fit perfectly in her room.
Me? I'm just tired. I talked to Roo for a bit. Turned out she was right about everything. Talked to Tingles about some stuff. She was right too. I hung out with Jett for a bit. We're going to be friends I think. I hope. We'll see if he's still there when I wake up. If so, then, I want our friendship to have a fresh start. That means, no more discussing the past. I still have a lot of pain, and I still have feelings for him but, it's not his problem. It's mine. I won't hurt him anymore.
MSK was on for a bit. He didn't say much which is fine. I didn't say much either. I'm glad he's still going to be in my life. I like having good people in my life.
If I had to describe my day, I'd say it was busy. A friend of mine that I need to make a name for, is having relationship problems with his girl. I tried to be a good friend and I hope I didn't fail. I'm always afraid to say too much or too little. I hope they work things out.
Another friend was having fish issues. His fish was dying :( But I think I gave good advice. My son and I had a fish that lived 13 years, so I kind of think I know something about fish.
Another friend needed advice about her relationship too. I listened, told her of something one of my ex's told me that helped my next relationship, and it helped her. I like seeing people who are good for each other, in a healthy relationship, work things out :)
The youngest kid got a vanity from a neighbor that is really nice. It's going to fit perfectly in her room.
Me? I'm just tired. I talked to Roo for a bit. Turned out she was right about everything. Talked to Tingles about some stuff. She was right too. I hung out with Jett for a bit. We're going to be friends I think. I hope. We'll see if he's still there when I wake up. If so, then, I want our friendship to have a fresh start. That means, no more discussing the past. I still have a lot of pain, and I still have feelings for him but, it's not his problem. It's mine. I won't hurt him anymore.
MSK was on for a bit. He didn't say much which is fine. I didn't say much either. I'm glad he's still going to be in my life. I like having good people in my life.
- Listening to: Nothing. I have earplugs in.
- Reading: Same book as earlier, but only 20 pages to go!
- Watching: the clock go by. OMG Fuller House is coming up soon on netflix.
- Playing: Crossword puzzles
- Eating: nothing but I had nachos earlier. mmmm
- Drinking: Water. Better start drinking your water!
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Kick Ass
The kids are getting ready for bed so I decided to jump on palace for a bit. I went to BB's and a few people were on. We started talking about the old days when people would listen to palace radio stations, and before youtube. We talked about how avs are better now than the old days. I was having an okay time for 10 mins and then a memory came into my head. Something horrible someone said about me sitting at the gate. I don't know why that suddenly popped into my mind. I don't know why it hurt so badly when it did. Probably because it was Jett who said it. I know I'm not one. I get on to relax. I get on to socialize because I don't in real. I get on and talk to people because hearing about how other people are doing, reminds me that we're all living our lives and yet connecting. I had this really hurtful thought, and I had to leave.
My friend Tingles just got a job as an Event Planner for Storm. She asked for my help. She never asks for my help so I know this is really important to her. I'll help her and see how I feel. I won't be at any gates, and I doubt I'll be at any of these parties because I don't want to run into Jett or Hippie. Tingles also asked me to teach her how to use PSP7 to make backgrounds. I know PSP7 like the back of my hand.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
I've been reading my old journal entries on DeviantArt. I was so full of passion and fire. I was a pretty tough chick. I read better books. I listened to better music. I did better things. I was into my art, photography, writing, and I felt so alive back then. That is who I was before Gar. It's like he took the best part of me and beat it down so badly, that it never got back up all the way. I think this is why I made so many mistakes in my last relationship.
I need to remember and find this better part of me. I want to be this happy and confident again. Do you know what my motto used to be? "Kick ass". It was even on my phone screen. I'd look at it and tell myself, "I'm kicking ass". Maybe I need to change my name back to Talulah...
My friend Tingles just got a job as an Event Planner for Storm. She asked for my help. She never asks for my help so I know this is really important to her. I'll help her and see how I feel. I won't be at any gates, and I doubt I'll be at any of these parties because I don't want to run into Jett or Hippie. Tingles also asked me to teach her how to use PSP7 to make backgrounds. I know PSP7 like the back of my hand.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
I've been reading my old journal entries on DeviantArt. I was so full of passion and fire. I was a pretty tough chick. I read better books. I listened to better music. I did better things. I was into my art, photography, writing, and I felt so alive back then. That is who I was before Gar. It's like he took the best part of me and beat it down so badly, that it never got back up all the way. I think this is why I made so many mistakes in my last relationship.
I need to remember and find this better part of me. I want to be this happy and confident again. Do you know what my motto used to be? "Kick ass". It was even on my phone screen. I'd look at it and tell myself, "I'm kicking ass". Maybe I need to change my name back to Talulah...
- Listening to: my cat's bell collar. I want one too!
- Reading: Same book as earlier, but only 40 pages to go :D
- Watching: Young & Hungry on Netflix
- Playing: on PSP7
- Eating: Coconut flavored Greek yogurt mmmm
- Drinking: Water. EVERYONE should drink enough water.
I'm Trying
I have a busy day today which is good. I need to keep my mind off of things. Roo said I need a project and I have a few in the works. My ASL lessons, getting MTW ready for the Halloween tour... I started working on that last night but I am really bad at scripting. I was trying to help Roo with a script at her prop pally and thought that would be great for a scary room idea at MTW. I couldn't figure it out. I kept popping in and out of there testing it and eventually killed myself on accident lol. I could have messaged Jett and asked him to unban me but, I won't contact him first so I waited out the 2 hours. I'm such a dumbass sometimes.
For my ASL lessons, I'm doing a lesson a week. Some zoom through these but, I like to have a lot of practice before moving to the next one. It will be a bit slower but, since I won't be going to Ohio this October like I was going to..... I also used some of my trip money to buy this ASL flashcard set. It's really cool. I saw it at Barnes And Noble and it was expensive but I've always wanted it. Now my trip money is down to $300 :(
I've talked to MSK for the past few days about a lot of what's going on inside me. We've both taken a step back. I've grown to care about him a lot, and maybe when my feelings and my head are clear, we can try again. I think it's the right thing to do. Getting with someone new when you're still hurting over someone only hurts EVERYONE.
Last night, Jett did something that made me sad. He doesn't know that I know, and I think that's for the best. I'll be okay. It's getting easier. I'm afraid for the day when there's nothing left. When he's "just an ex" like the rest of them. When I look at him the same way I look at OS, J, & HJ, like just some guy I used to date. I can't even imagine that being possible but, the more time that goes by, isn't that what's supposed to happen?
I feel lost.
I used to end my journals with a list of what I'm listening to lately, reading lately, or watching lately. I'm going to start doing that again to remind myself to do other things.
For my ASL lessons, I'm doing a lesson a week. Some zoom through these but, I like to have a lot of practice before moving to the next one. It will be a bit slower but, since I won't be going to Ohio this October like I was going to..... I also used some of my trip money to buy this ASL flashcard set. It's really cool. I saw it at Barnes And Noble and it was expensive but I've always wanted it. Now my trip money is down to $300 :(
I've talked to MSK for the past few days about a lot of what's going on inside me. We've both taken a step back. I've grown to care about him a lot, and maybe when my feelings and my head are clear, we can try again. I think it's the right thing to do. Getting with someone new when you're still hurting over someone only hurts EVERYONE.
Last night, Jett did something that made me sad. He doesn't know that I know, and I think that's for the best. I'll be okay. It's getting easier. I'm afraid for the day when there's nothing left. When he's "just an ex" like the rest of them. When I look at him the same way I look at OS, J, & HJ, like just some guy I used to date. I can't even imagine that being possible but, the more time that goes by, isn't that what's supposed to happen?
I feel lost.
I used to end my journals with a list of what I'm listening to lately, reading lately, or watching lately. I'm going to start doing that again to remind myself to do other things.
- Listening to: everything but my gut
- Reading: Light of My Heart - Ginny Aiken
- Watching: Criminal Minds on Netflix
Something Healthy
I've decided to hide a lot of entries since the Harley/Joker post. I want to leave some of that sadness, and anger behind me. I can't move forward if all I'm doing is dwelling on this pain. Besides, I miss Jett. I'm saying, I miss my best friend. Maybe, after I'm stronger and some time goes by, we can be friends again, if he lets me...
I promised him I would never abandon him, and I won't.
I promised him I would never abandon him, and I won't.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
...
I just found out that a good friend lost her mother and her dog today :( I feel so badly for her. I can't imagine what she must be going through. I listened and hugged her. I wish I could do something for her or help somehow. She knows she can come to me at any time. I'll be praying for her family.
It's the Little Things-((updated))
Roo made a prop pally that she's going to open soon. There's a cosplay room with tons of Harley avs :D I love it. The background is Harley too! I know. The little things make me excited. Well right now, anything that makes me brighten up just a little, helps. I quit pally for the most part but, I can wear this stuff at home while I watch movies and work on it.
She did an amazing job. I'm happy for her and proud of her.
P.S. I feel like I should add, I do NOT wear stuff like this ^^. I was trying on props in her pally and was going to make a "kiss my ass" joke and didn't do it.
She did an amazing job. I'm happy for her and proud of her.
P.S. I feel like I should add, I do NOT wear stuff like this ^^. I was trying on props in her pally and was going to make a "kiss my ass" joke and didn't do it.
Sunday, August 27, 2017
Sunday
It was a quiet weekend for the most part. The girls had plans and I got to get a few things done. One of my sister's has a really bad flu. I don't know what's going around but I hope I don't catch it.
Things are still up in the air with MSK, but, he finally told me something I really needed to know. It allows me to stand back and do some thinking. I worry less about one thing, but more about another thing. I guess I shouldn't worry at all. He wouldn't want me to. But, I will.
Today is a day of laundry, and getting things ready for the school week. I still have to mop the floors and some other things too. And here I am, writing and Skyping.... :P
Things are still up in the air with MSK, but, he finally told me something I really needed to know. It allows me to stand back and do some thinking. I worry less about one thing, but more about another thing. I guess I shouldn't worry at all. He wouldn't want me to. But, I will.
Today is a day of laundry, and getting things ready for the school week. I still have to mop the floors and some other things too. And here I am, writing and Skyping.... :P
Friday, August 25, 2017
Blah Blah Blah
I got on Palace for around 10 minutes. I'm not missing anything. It feels weird since I deleted all of my avs. I only have 5 new avs. Jan made one for me when he saw me at S&L. I try not to wear it much because it's a Harley av but, I love the idea of it. She's sipping on something and reading a book, peaceful and content looking.
I'm sticking to not getting on Palace pretty much. I'll pop into S&L when I'm missing being around online people, and chat with Roo. MSK doesn't really get on anymore. He also doesn't sit with me, so... The whole reason I told Jett that I started seeing someone was so we could move forward and sit together. Guess that whole thing kind of backfired and blew up in my face. I probably shouldn't be writing about this. I need to focus on other things..
So what have I been doing. Hmm. I started playing League of Angels 2 again. There's a lot of new mini games in it that I'm confused about. Actually I've always been kind of confused about the whole thing, so I'm just focusing on building my power up. I have soooo much resources built up that kept showing up in the mail while I was gone. I have 30k diamonds. I have 30 million gold. etc etc. I just don't remember where I left off getting gear.
I watch a lot of movies. I never watched Deadpool. I don't know if I ever will but, I couldn't. I know. I'm a big pussy sometimes. Some things, I just can't do anymore. I should find some TV shows to binge watch.
I've restarted my ASL lessons so I'm back at Lesson 1. There was some I forgot and, a few I never learned properly like the numbers and such. Some of the basics. ...I started talking to some of my old WoW friends. I don't want to play though. I just missed some people. I got on the Sims a few times. I'm such a nerd about it. I have more fun building houses than watching the drama unfold. I got on SL but my laptop sucks.
I'm rebuilding MTW. I put all of our stuff in a private section. I need to make a new landing. I don't know what I'll do with it but, I'm having a hard time letting it go. It's sad to me that all that is left of what we had is an empty palace. A reminder of the things we used to do for each other. I did so much on it, and learned so much just hoping to please him. I put so much time into learning those scripts. Maybe by the time I finish it I'll feel okay letting it go. I'm not going to think too hard on it.
I'm going to go find something to eat, make some tea and then run some errands. I still have paperwork to turn in and a few other things. I need to keep myself busy!
I'm sticking to not getting on Palace pretty much. I'll pop into S&L when I'm missing being around online people, and chat with Roo. MSK doesn't really get on anymore. He also doesn't sit with me, so... The whole reason I told Jett that I started seeing someone was so we could move forward and sit together. Guess that whole thing kind of backfired and blew up in my face. I probably shouldn't be writing about this. I need to focus on other things..
So what have I been doing. Hmm. I started playing League of Angels 2 again. There's a lot of new mini games in it that I'm confused about. Actually I've always been kind of confused about the whole thing, so I'm just focusing on building my power up. I have soooo much resources built up that kept showing up in the mail while I was gone. I have 30k diamonds. I have 30 million gold. etc etc. I just don't remember where I left off getting gear.
I watch a lot of movies. I never watched Deadpool. I don't know if I ever will but, I couldn't. I know. I'm a big pussy sometimes. Some things, I just can't do anymore. I should find some TV shows to binge watch.
I've restarted my ASL lessons so I'm back at Lesson 1. There was some I forgot and, a few I never learned properly like the numbers and such. Some of the basics. ...I started talking to some of my old WoW friends. I don't want to play though. I just missed some people. I got on the Sims a few times. I'm such a nerd about it. I have more fun building houses than watching the drama unfold. I got on SL but my laptop sucks.
I'm rebuilding MTW. I put all of our stuff in a private section. I need to make a new landing. I don't know what I'll do with it but, I'm having a hard time letting it go. It's sad to me that all that is left of what we had is an empty palace. A reminder of the things we used to do for each other. I did so much on it, and learned so much just hoping to please him. I put so much time into learning those scripts. Maybe by the time I finish it I'll feel okay letting it go. I'm not going to think too hard on it.
I'm going to go find something to eat, make some tea and then run some errands. I still have paperwork to turn in and a few other things. I need to keep myself busy!
Youtube is Your Friend
Those who know me, know I will always be okay. Sometimes, I feel discouraged, stressed, sad, disappointed, and well, like I'm dying. I don't stay down long. I can't let myself. I have kids to raise. I have plans to work through. I refuse to roll over and die.
I'm disappointed that this thing with MSK went the way it did, because I really do care about the guy. He's a genuinely good person, a decent man, and a gentleman. I know he did the right thing though. As much as I cared about him and was trying to move on, the timing was bad. I wasn't ready. My gut knows.
That doesn't mean it's over. It just means that, I'm leaving it up to God, or the Universe. If something happens, great. If nothing happens, I'll still be okay.
I'm still getting over a man who wished me dead, now FOUR times! I swear if I die, I'm coming back to haunt him. I'll um, dye his hair pink when he's asleep. And I'll slowly make all of his pants shorter so he can be like, "wtf is going on with my pants? am I growing taller?!" Yeah, I'd totally prank him :D
I've been watching clips on Youtube from the new animated Batman movie that's coming out. It looks good, and Harley plays a huge role in it. One thing that was kind of weird. She had sex with Nightwing. Isn't that Robin? *makes a weird face*
I'm eating some cottage cheese and fruit cocktail. I made my sleepy tea, and I'm going to finally finish the book I'm reading tonight. I still have some book reviews that I haven't posted yet. I'll get to it!
I'm disappointed that this thing with MSK went the way it did, because I really do care about the guy. He's a genuinely good person, a decent man, and a gentleman. I know he did the right thing though. As much as I cared about him and was trying to move on, the timing was bad. I wasn't ready. My gut knows.
That doesn't mean it's over. It just means that, I'm leaving it up to God, or the Universe. If something happens, great. If nothing happens, I'll still be okay.
I'm still getting over a man who wished me dead, now FOUR times! I swear if I die, I'm coming back to haunt him. I'll um, dye his hair pink when he's asleep. And I'll slowly make all of his pants shorter so he can be like, "wtf is going on with my pants? am I growing taller?!" Yeah, I'd totally prank him :D
I've been watching clips on Youtube from the new animated Batman movie that's coming out. It looks good, and Harley plays a huge role in it. One thing that was kind of weird. She had sex with Nightwing. Isn't that Robin? *makes a weird face*
I'm eating some cottage cheese and fruit cocktail. I made my sleepy tea, and I'm going to finally finish the book I'm reading tonight. I still have some book reviews that I haven't posted yet. I'll get to it!
Thursday, August 24, 2017
A Scene...
This is a scene from one of my favorite movies, Before Sunset. Jesse is the guy. Celine is the girl. They met and fell in love 9 years before, in ONE day. (The first movie was Before Sunrise.) He was traveling and they agreed to meet again, but, one of them didn't show up. Nine years later, he wrote a book about it hoping she would read it and find him. This is some of the conversation from the second meeting.
- Celine: I was fine, until I read your fucking book! It stirred shit up, you know? It reminded me how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things, and now it's like, I don't believe in anything that relates to love. I don't feel things for people anymore. In a way, I put all my romanticism into that one night, and I was never able to feel all this again. Like, somehow this night took things away from me and I expressed them to you, and you took them with you! It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!
- Jesse: I... I don't believe that. I don't believe that.
- Celine: You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It's funny. Every single of my ex’s, they're now married! Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married! And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is, and, and that I taught them to care and respect women!
- Jesse: I think I'm one of those guys.
- Celine: You know, I guess I've been heart-broken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the start I make no effort because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out.
Dumb Girl
I'm foolish. I'm just a dumb girl who still believes that love will conquer all. That if you love someone, everything will work itself out. I'm an idiot. ..Right?
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Quick Post
I had a pretty good day. We got some last minute shopping done for the kids, before school tomorrow. It's been a busy week so far which is good. It keeps me distracted.
I worked on my Palace blog earlier and added some screenshots that I found. I hadn't updated in two years.
I'm going to try to sleep. I have some things to do tomorrow. I'm also trying to get rid of these circles under my eyes as well as I can. Night night.
P.S. Quick note to myself: buy some index cards. I need to make some ASL flash cards. Not exactly sure how I'm going to do this so I need to do the research on that too.
I worked on my Palace blog earlier and added some screenshots that I found. I hadn't updated in two years.
I'm going to try to sleep. I have some things to do tomorrow. I'm also trying to get rid of these circles under my eyes as well as I can. Night night.
P.S. Quick note to myself: buy some index cards. I need to make some ASL flash cards. Not exactly sure how I'm going to do this so I need to do the research on that too.
Sunday, August 13, 2017
This Vid + This Song... My Heart is Breaking
I saw this vid and cried :(
...I think it's time for me to go.
It's just a cruel existence like there's no point hoping at all
Baby, baby, I feel crazy, up all night, all night and every day
Give me something, oh, but you say nothing
What is happening to me?
I don't wanna live forever, 'cause I know I'll be living in vain
And I don't wanna fit wherever
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
I'm sitting eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind
Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life, oh
I've been looking sad in all the nicest places
Baby, baby, I feel crazy
I see you around in all these empty faces
Up all night, all night and every day
I've been looking sad in all the nicest places
Give me something, oh, but you say nothing
Now I'm in a cab, I tell 'em where your place is
What is happening to me?
I don't wanna live forever, 'cause I know I'll be living in vain
And I don't wanna fit wherever
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
...I think it's time for me to go.
Zayn - I Don’t Wanna Live Forever
Been sitting eyes wide open behind these four walls, hoping you'd callIt's just a cruel existence like there's no point hoping at all
Baby, baby, I feel crazy, up all night, all night and every day
Give me something, oh, but you say nothing
What is happening to me?
I don't wanna live forever, 'cause I know I'll be living in vain
And I don't wanna fit wherever
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
I'm sitting eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind
Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life, oh
I've been looking sad in all the nicest places
Baby, baby, I feel crazy
I see you around in all these empty faces
Up all night, all night and every day
I've been looking sad in all the nicest places
Give me something, oh, but you say nothing
Now I'm in a cab, I tell 'em where your place is
What is happening to me?
I don't wanna live forever, 'cause I know I'll be living in vain
And I don't wanna fit wherever
I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home
Not Strong Enough
I was looking through my Jett folder and found this song. He sent it to me awhile ago. His ex picked it out to send to me, so I would know how he felt. I get it. I'm not strong enough either, but I have to be.
Apocalyptica - Not Strong Enough
I'm not strong enough to stay away.
Can't run from you
I just run back to you.
Like a moth I'm drawn in to your flame,
Say my name, but it's not the same.
You look in my eyes, I'm stripped of my pride.
And my soul surrenders, and you bring my heart to it's knees.
And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.
And I'm so confused, So hard to choose.
Between the pleasure and the pain.
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.
And I'm not strong enough to stay away
I'm not strong enough to stay away
What can I do
I would die without you
In your presence my heart knows no shame
I'm not to blame
Cause you bring my heart to it's knees
There's nothing I can do
My heart is chained to you
And I can't get free
Look what this love's done to me
I'm not strong enough to stay away
Apocalyptica - Not Strong Enough
I'm not strong enough to stay away.
Can't run from you
I just run back to you.
Like a moth I'm drawn in to your flame,
Say my name, but it's not the same.
You look in my eyes, I'm stripped of my pride.
And my soul surrenders, and you bring my heart to it's knees.
And it's killin' me when you're away, I wanna leave and I wanna stay.
And I'm so confused, So hard to choose.
Between the pleasure and the pain.
And I know it's wrong, and I know it's right.
Even if I try to win the fight, my heart would overrule my mind.
And I'm not strong enough to stay away
I'm not strong enough to stay away
What can I do
I would die without you
In your presence my heart knows no shame
I'm not to blame
Cause you bring my heart to it's knees
There's nothing I can do
My heart is chained to you
And I can't get free
Look what this love's done to me
I'm not strong enough to stay away
Friday, August 11, 2017
*curls up into a ball and listens*
Vera Blue - Mended
Just thinking about us I've come undone
Looking back I don't know who lost or won
Tell me now, tell me now
Expressions in my mind that I can't translate
But I know that I will learn to appreciate
Tell me how, tell me how
I'm all I can blame I'm not keeping score
I just wish I could find who I was before
Can't go back, I'm okay
It's been a little while since we have ended
We haven't mended, we haven't mended
It's been a little while since we have ended
We haven't mended, we haven't mended
What am I supposed to when most of me still belongs to you
Just thinking about us I've come undone
Looking back I don't know who lost or won
Tell me now, tell me now
Expressions in my mind that I can't translate
But I know that I will learn to appreciate
Tell me how, tell me how
I'm all I can blame I'm not keeping score
I just wish I could find who I was before
Can't go back, I'm okay
It's been a little while since we have ended
We haven't mended, we haven't mended
It's been a little while since we have ended
We haven't mended, we haven't mended
What am I supposed to when most of me still belongs to you
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Blessings
I woke up feeling surprisingly okay. Maybe all of that crying I did earlier helped. Maybe finally talking to someone about it helped. Maybe knowing that it's finally all over helped. I'm sure it will hit me every now and then, but, I think I can handle things now.
I have some good music on and I'm chair dancing between taking sips of tea with my Harley mug. I'm still ME. I've got ME. I'm broken, damaged, and I miss my Jett but, I know him. He would want me to be happy. The guy he is now who is blaming me and punishing me and trying to forget me, I understand him. I get it. I hope he finds true happiness. I would love it if he could wake up every day excited and happy to be alive.
I'm not anyone special. I'm not the only woman who would wait faithfully for a man for three months while he dealt with something horrible and sad. I'm not the only woman who in whispers will help a man explain things better, be supportive, help with spelling and help him understand things. I'm not the only woman to pray for her man every night, that he's healthy, happy, and one day will be close to God again. I'm also not the only woman to learn a new language for the man she loves. I hope he gets all of that and more.
Blessings.
I have some good music on and I'm chair dancing between taking sips of tea with my Harley mug. I'm still ME. I've got ME. I'm broken, damaged, and I miss my Jett but, I know him. He would want me to be happy. The guy he is now who is blaming me and punishing me and trying to forget me, I understand him. I get it. I hope he finds true happiness. I would love it if he could wake up every day excited and happy to be alive.
I'm not anyone special. I'm not the only woman who would wait faithfully for a man for three months while he dealt with something horrible and sad. I'm not the only woman who in whispers will help a man explain things better, be supportive, help with spelling and help him understand things. I'm not the only woman to pray for her man every night, that he's healthy, happy, and one day will be close to God again. I'm also not the only woman to learn a new language for the man she loves. I hope he gets all of that and more.
Blessings.
Oh Look, I Was Wrong Again
Even after all of this, all we've said and done in the past 2 1/2 months, I never thought he would be this cruel. No matter how many times he called me a slut, a whore, a liar, and so on and so on, nothing hurts like what he did this morning. He told me he'd do it but, I really did not think he would be that cold. Never.
He's been texting me first all week but when I found out, I had to text him first and say something. Then, I blocked him permanently, only, when I did that, it erased all of my locked texts. All of the good stuff. All of the "I love you's" and everything that was once good and kind. I saw that and said "nooooooooo" and, I just died inside.
I won't be fine. And I never, ever, want to hear him say that he's sorry that I'm hurting.
I called Facey, bawling on the phone. I told him everything and he listened. I told him about our texts this morning, what he said, and what he did just now. I said, "Despite all of that, I still want him. I still love him. I think I'm losing my mind." He says, "no, you loving him isn't because of who he is. It's because of who you are. Because you have a big heart, and are able to love someone, even if they hurt you." I don't know if that's true. Maybe I'm just stupid, like Jett called me this morning.
Now that he's totally gone from my life, and I've cried and cried and cried and wanted to die a few times over, maybe I can start being okay again.
There are things I want to do. I'm starting therapy tomorrow for working on my panic attacks again. I want to be able to drive across the country and be totally okay doing it alone. I have a friend who does it every year and the stories she tells, I want that.
I'm going to keep working on my ASL, and, once these kids are gone and I'm working again, I want to foster deaf kids. There are a lot of them in the foster system here and, I want to foster again anyway. So first step towards this direction, keep doing my ASL. I'm also going to take a summer ASL class next year at the college. I could do the winter class but, the summer class is more active. That's something positive I took from this relationship.
I know that all sounds good, and positive. Nothing is really changed though. I'm still in love with him. Jett still has my heart. He is just, dead to me now.
He's been texting me first all week but when I found out, I had to text him first and say something. Then, I blocked him permanently, only, when I did that, it erased all of my locked texts. All of the good stuff. All of the "I love you's" and everything that was once good and kind. I saw that and said "nooooooooo" and, I just died inside.
I won't be fine. And I never, ever, want to hear him say that he's sorry that I'm hurting.
I called Facey, bawling on the phone. I told him everything and he listened. I told him about our texts this morning, what he said, and what he did just now. I said, "Despite all of that, I still want him. I still love him. I think I'm losing my mind." He says, "no, you loving him isn't because of who he is. It's because of who you are. Because you have a big heart, and are able to love someone, even if they hurt you." I don't know if that's true. Maybe I'm just stupid, like Jett called me this morning.
Now that he's totally gone from my life, and I've cried and cried and cried and wanted to die a few times over, maybe I can start being okay again.
There are things I want to do. I'm starting therapy tomorrow for working on my panic attacks again. I want to be able to drive across the country and be totally okay doing it alone. I have a friend who does it every year and the stories she tells, I want that.
I'm going to keep working on my ASL, and, once these kids are gone and I'm working again, I want to foster deaf kids. There are a lot of them in the foster system here and, I want to foster again anyway. So first step towards this direction, keep doing my ASL. I'm also going to take a summer ASL class next year at the college. I could do the winter class but, the summer class is more active. That's something positive I took from this relationship.
I know that all sounds good, and positive. Nothing is really changed though. I'm still in love with him. Jett still has my heart. He is just, dead to me now.
My New Best Friend
In the next few days I'm going to be saying good bye to a few people I care about. I've said good bye to a few tonight. I'm also going to be posting my pally backgrounds on here so I can delete them. Until then, I need sleep.
Sleep is my best friend right now. Comforting, dreamy, relaxing. Sleep helps me forget for awhile. zzzzzzzz
Sleep is my best friend right now. Comforting, dreamy, relaxing. Sleep helps me forget for awhile. zzzzzzzz
I'm Ready To Start Letting Go
I used to say I was Wonder Woman. She's pretty awesome. She has good principles. She's an amazon princess! She and Superman were an awesome team. They kicked ass. They backed each other up. They were a great match. She had an invisible jet! and super powers. Who doesn't want super powers? I'm not Wonder Woman though. I'm just a woman.
I related to Harley Quinn. Joker was horrible to her. He hurt her and abused her and she took it because she loved him, and she believed he loved her too. I think in his own twisted way, he did. He asked if she would die for him, and she said yes. He thought that was too easy. Anyone can die. Death means nothing. But would she live for him, and live in all of the pain the world has to offer? She said yes. That was me for the past few months. I love Harley. She is strong. She is funny. She can kick ass. She loves her man. She's loyal. She will always be a part of me. But I'm not Harley *shakes head*
...I am a simple human woman who is in love with a super hero. My Superman. My Jett. And, I realize now that he is gone. My hero, no longer exists. Jett is amazing. He's a beautful person who loves deeply, fights hard, and cares about those who are weaker than him. Jett once dug up an elderly neighbor's sidewalk for him in the hot Summer. He shovels the snow of the elderly in the neighbhood. He mows their lawns. He once went into the woods to find a lady's missing dog. I'm proud of him.
Being loved by him, was everything you'd think it would be. We were always joking, laughing, sticking up for each other. Other couples wanted what we had. And we were solid. We fought hard but, we loved hard too. We never cheated on each other or lied to each other. He was the one person I could count on to always have my back, and I always had his. If anyone said one bad thing about him, I let him know, and that person would be out of my life.
He's a good man, with a good heart. He takes care of his family. He's the one they count on and go to when they need anything. He makes sacrifices for them. He would give anyone he loves the shirt on his back. He's a hard worker. He builds. He creates. He's brilliant. He's better than me at everything. I think I used to annoy him with all of my questions, and asking him for help.
...Jett wouldn't want me to get hurt by the man he is now.
I related to Harley Quinn. Joker was horrible to her. He hurt her and abused her and she took it because she loved him, and she believed he loved her too. I think in his own twisted way, he did. He asked if she would die for him, and she said yes. He thought that was too easy. Anyone can die. Death means nothing. But would she live for him, and live in all of the pain the world has to offer? She said yes. That was me for the past few months. I love Harley. She is strong. She is funny. She can kick ass. She loves her man. She's loyal. She will always be a part of me. But I'm not Harley *shakes head*
...I am a simple human woman who is in love with a super hero. My Superman. My Jett. And, I realize now that he is gone. My hero, no longer exists. Jett is amazing. He's a beautful person who loves deeply, fights hard, and cares about those who are weaker than him. Jett once dug up an elderly neighbor's sidewalk for him in the hot Summer. He shovels the snow of the elderly in the neighbhood. He mows their lawns. He once went into the woods to find a lady's missing dog. I'm proud of him.
Being loved by him, was everything you'd think it would be. We were always joking, laughing, sticking up for each other. Other couples wanted what we had. And we were solid. We fought hard but, we loved hard too. We never cheated on each other or lied to each other. He was the one person I could count on to always have my back, and I always had his. If anyone said one bad thing about him, I let him know, and that person would be out of my life.
He's a good man, with a good heart. He takes care of his family. He's the one they count on and go to when they need anything. He makes sacrifices for them. He would give anyone he loves the shirt on his back. He's a hard worker. He builds. He creates. He's brilliant. He's better than me at everything. I think I used to annoy him with all of my questions, and asking him for help.
...Jett wouldn't want me to get hurt by the man he is now.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
I'm Still Living With Your Goodbye
Faith Hill ft. Tim McGraw - Like We Never Loved At All
You never looked so good
As you did last night
Underneath the city lights
There, walking with your friend
Laughing at the moon
I swear you looked right through me
But I'm still living with your goodbye
And you're just going on with your life
How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all
You, I hear you're doing fine
Seems like you're doing well
As far as I can tell
Time is leaving us behind
Another week has passed
And still I haven't laughed yet
So tell me what your secret is (I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know)
To letting go, letting go like you did
Like you did
How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all
Did you forget the magic?
Did you forget the passion?
And did you ever miss me?
Ever long to kiss me?
Maybe that's just your way of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all...
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Moment by Moment
Right now, I just want to get in bed, curl up into a ball, and try to make this go away. It hurts, everywhere. My chest, my stomach, my bones. I feel this pain everywhere. My throat is killing me trying to hold all of this in.
I don't write most of what I feel and what I think. Some things, no one needs to know, not even the Universe.
I deserve this. So, I'll take it, and deal with it. Better me than him. I can handle it.
I don't write most of what I feel and what I think. Some things, no one needs to know, not even the Universe.
I deserve this. So, I'll take it, and deal with it. Better me than him. I can handle it.
Nova!
This is our kitty, Nova. My mom is holding her but wanted out of the picture. One of the babies of the house.
I got this, I think
I said it before but didn't follow through. This Saturday night, I'm going to get some munchies and watch Deadpool by myself. I want to see this movie. I've been waiting to see it since Valentines Day! It's time. I have to make myself do this. Right?
Some Things Are Hard to Admit
Labrinth - Jealous
I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind
I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love
As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day, yeah
'Cause all I do is cry behind this smile
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day, yeah
'Cause all I do is cry behind this smile
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
They Got a Word for Girls Like Me
I really need to quit checking my cell. My ex's gf accused me of stalking her. Lovely. I would tell her the truth but, I don't want her to break up with him over anything having to do with me. I'm not even on palace and my name is still coming out of these people's mouths. I wish they'd get on with their lives and be "in love" and forget I exist. I'm not innocent, but I'm not the bad GUY here.
On the bright side, I'm no longer depressed. But I sure as hell am angry. I think it's time to ask myself, "What would Talulah do?".
In other news... It's been a quiet day. I took MSK's advice and went for a walk to see if it would help my sleep. It's 3am and I'm still awake...
I made an eye dr's appointment. I see nerdy glasses in my future.
On the bright side, I'm no longer depressed. But I sure as hell am angry. I think it's time to ask myself, "What would Talulah do?".
In other news... It's been a quiet day. I took MSK's advice and went for a walk to see if it would help my sleep. It's 3am and I'm still awake...
I made an eye dr's appointment. I see nerdy glasses in my future.
Monday, August 7, 2017
Guess It's Bye Bye Skype
I woke up to a message from a friend saying that they didn't trust me anymore. He said that something he told me came back to him from my ex and his gf. I can't think of what that could be. I never told my ex that I was talking to this person, because he never liked him and I didn't want the grief. I guess I got the grief anyway. I'm just losing people left and right over this. It's not fair.
While he was gone, I waited. I loved him and I knew he would be back because he loved me. I started feeling distant, and angry, and alone. I got depressed. I also had some decisions to make over what I wanted and what I was going to do. Then he said something that he still insists was a joke, but I knew it wasn't. The words he said... He TOLD me to go and I did. I did what he begged me to. I knew we weren't happy.
I thought, this is what's best for both of us. I'll no longer be someone who hurts him and stresses him out, and I'll figure out how to be without him. I told him to give me some time and space and I wanted to keep the peace. To have him still be in my life and be okay, and maybe he'll smile again. Maybe he'll have fun, make friends, and be happy. Instead, he got angry, and then, I got angry.
It was really unhealthy. And it was all from us trying to push each other away and hold on at the same time. It was awful. All we did was hurt each other more and more.
Then one day, a selfish, mean spirited girl lied to him. She told him I was in a nude av, sitting with a guy and then left to be with him. I had parked myself in a corner while I went to make dinner. Bacon and egg burritos. I was in a great mood, and everything was peaceful. Then I get the texts.... and everything was ruined. I defended myself and then the words were just so awful, I put my phone in a drawer and refused to look. I was so hurt. He was hurt because he believed the lie.
A week later, I was sitting in the room and he came in. I greeted him, everything was civil, and the guy I was accused of being with, sits by me. And I knew what might happen but, I didn't move. I was still angry. I thought, "why should I move over a damn lie? I didn't do anything wrong. I'm still not doing anything wrong." only I made things worse. Do I regret it? Yes. But.... if he really loved and knew me, he would know that the lie never even happened.
I don't sit in nude avs anywhere. I don't own any. I also have never picked up men on palace. I am not that kind of person. But that whole lie, and my stubbornness ruined any kind of friendship we could have had. Any kind of trust. But it also showed me that, nothing I said or did, would make him have any faith in me. He never trusted me or believed in me. That's what hurts. That event will always be thrown in my face.
I'm finally feeling that he's gone. I'm finally trying to move on. And I'm still the one giving up things to make him happy and to keep the peace. Friends, homes, everything I did that I was used to, and it's just not fair. But I can't be around it. The drama. I stayed away and she came in 3 times. Now they're tagged. So what am I supposed to do? I have moved on, but I didn't deal with any of this so I'm dealing with it now. And soon, he will be totally out of my system and be like all of my other ex's. Just a guy that I used to date. Until then, this is torture. Wish I could go back to sleep...
While he was gone, I waited. I loved him and I knew he would be back because he loved me. I started feeling distant, and angry, and alone. I got depressed. I also had some decisions to make over what I wanted and what I was going to do. Then he said something that he still insists was a joke, but I knew it wasn't. The words he said... He TOLD me to go and I did. I did what he begged me to. I knew we weren't happy.
I thought, this is what's best for both of us. I'll no longer be someone who hurts him and stresses him out, and I'll figure out how to be without him. I told him to give me some time and space and I wanted to keep the peace. To have him still be in my life and be okay, and maybe he'll smile again. Maybe he'll have fun, make friends, and be happy. Instead, he got angry, and then, I got angry.
It was really unhealthy. And it was all from us trying to push each other away and hold on at the same time. It was awful. All we did was hurt each other more and more.
Then one day, a selfish, mean spirited girl lied to him. She told him I was in a nude av, sitting with a guy and then left to be with him. I had parked myself in a corner while I went to make dinner. Bacon and egg burritos. I was in a great mood, and everything was peaceful. Then I get the texts.... and everything was ruined. I defended myself and then the words were just so awful, I put my phone in a drawer and refused to look. I was so hurt. He was hurt because he believed the lie.
A week later, I was sitting in the room and he came in. I greeted him, everything was civil, and the guy I was accused of being with, sits by me. And I knew what might happen but, I didn't move. I was still angry. I thought, "why should I move over a damn lie? I didn't do anything wrong. I'm still not doing anything wrong." only I made things worse. Do I regret it? Yes. But.... if he really loved and knew me, he would know that the lie never even happened.
I don't sit in nude avs anywhere. I don't own any. I also have never picked up men on palace. I am not that kind of person. But that whole lie, and my stubbornness ruined any kind of friendship we could have had. Any kind of trust. But it also showed me that, nothing I said or did, would make him have any faith in me. He never trusted me or believed in me. That's what hurts. That event will always be thrown in my face.
I'm finally feeling that he's gone. I'm finally trying to move on. And I'm still the one giving up things to make him happy and to keep the peace. Friends, homes, everything I did that I was used to, and it's just not fair. But I can't be around it. The drama. I stayed away and she came in 3 times. Now they're tagged. So what am I supposed to do? I have moved on, but I didn't deal with any of this so I'm dealing with it now. And soon, he will be totally out of my system and be like all of my other ex's. Just a guy that I used to date. Until then, this is torture. Wish I could go back to sleep...
Take Me Back to the Night We Met
Lord Huron - The Night We Met
I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, Take me back to the night we met
I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, Take me back to the night we met
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Benadryl Take Me Away
I couldn't finish dinner. I'm too anxious and sad. I can't breathe. I took my pills anyway, and something so I can sleep. I don't usually take anything but at this point, I want to sleep everything away.
I try to be positive. I have positive things going on in my life too. I have great kids who don't get into trouble. I have both of my doggies until one has to go. I have an amazing friend in my life who understands what I'm going through and in wisdom and love, helps me through it. I have everything I need. And yet, during moments when I realize what this all means, I just want it all to be over. I want to get past this.
Watch this movie. Skip past the long music in the beginning though. It's awesome. It has the girl from My Sassy Girl, which I adore. Just, try not to cry....
In the movie, the man the girl loves dies. I'm not sure entirely of their beliefs, but they think that the spirit lingers for around 49 days, and after that, you free them to wherever they're meant to go. Maybe in 49 days, my "ghost" will quit haunting me too.
Soon, he'll be entirely gone.
I try to be positive. I have positive things going on in my life too. I have great kids who don't get into trouble. I have both of my doggies until one has to go. I have an amazing friend in my life who understands what I'm going through and in wisdom and love, helps me through it. I have everything I need. And yet, during moments when I realize what this all means, I just want it all to be over. I want to get past this.
Watch this movie. Skip past the long music in the beginning though. It's awesome. It has the girl from My Sassy Girl, which I adore. Just, try not to cry....
In the movie, the man the girl loves dies. I'm not sure entirely of their beliefs, but they think that the spirit lingers for around 49 days, and after that, you free them to wherever they're meant to go. Maybe in 49 days, my "ghost" will quit haunting me too.
Soon, he'll be entirely gone.
Carrot Spaghetti?!
I'm so used to getting on palace while I cook and, no more palace. I made spaghetti with italian sausage. Of course mine is lower carb. I have these noodles that are made out of carrots. They're actually really good
I don't know what to do tonight.
Good stuff
I'm cleaning out all of my screen cap and picture folders of Jett stuff. I'm just moving them to my Google drive. One day I might want to remember the good stuff. There was a LOT of good stuff.
I'm done
Well, it's done, and I'm done. This is killing me and I knew it would. I feel like I lost half of myself. ...I didn't write a lot about us, because, I was too busy being happy. He made me happy.
We had some horrible fights. Even before we got together, we both agreed we'd end up killing each other. I think we almost did a few times. We fought often because were never on the same page. When he was crazy in love with me, I wasn't used to being with someone who expected much from me, so I wasn't as attentive as I should have been. When I was crazy in love with him, he still hadn't forgiven me for my mistakes. I hoped that this time, we would both be crazy in love with each other. I needed to get rid of my anger and depression first. Well, I'm not angry anymore.
We made a good team. He forgets this because right now, all he remembers is the bad stuff. The things I didn't do instead of the things I did. The way we worked together, laughed together, talked together, wore avs that only we knew the meanings of.
We weren't alike. We were like fire and water. Opposites. But it worked. When he would be hot headed and mean, I would get him to get it all out, and calm him. When I was pissy and mean, he would tell me to relax, to take care of myself. We took care of each other. We balanced each other out.
I have a lot of issues I need to work on. I need to worry less about how I look and how people see me. There's a reason I'm like this but it's mostly because, my father was the same way.
I keep my feelings locked in. I was never really taught how to show love. My family...they don't do that. My son and I do, but the rest of them, no. I don't even know how anyone would react if I hugged them. I know I wouldn't get a hug back. So I keep my feelings for private, when we were at home, or in whispers. It wasn't because I didn't want the world to know that I love him.
I was proud to be with him! He's a good man with a good heart. He's the strongest man I know for reasons that are private. He's giving, loving, romantic, kind hearted. He is hilarious, and funny. He knows how to make a full room laugh. He's creative. He makes gorgeous backgrounds and avs. I've made him some things, special rooms and homes and other things. Then I'd see what he did and, I'd feel like, he was only saying it was nice to make me happy. He's not perfect. No one is. But I love him, flaws and all.
I need to not need other people so much. It's hard. I'm a social person online. In real, I'm different. He never got a chance to know that. I don't have any friends where I live. I was always about family. So I get online, and sometimes I want to talk to people who aren't related. Someone who isn't asking me to drive somewhere, cook something, clean something. I enjoy my social time. I enjoy it too much I guess.
I let my pride get in the way sometimes. We would fight and I couldn't back down. I hate that about myself. I don't get angry often because of it. That's why I try to stay calm all of the time when we would fight. Because I've seen myself get mean.
I drove him crazy. I hurt him a lot by things I did or didn't do. I would try to fix them and then I'd make the same mistakes again. It wasn't because I didn't care about him or love him. It's because, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I am going to mess up. I'm always going to mess up...
We had some horrible fights. Even before we got together, we both agreed we'd end up killing each other. I think we almost did a few times. We fought often because were never on the same page. When he was crazy in love with me, I wasn't used to being with someone who expected much from me, so I wasn't as attentive as I should have been. When I was crazy in love with him, he still hadn't forgiven me for my mistakes. I hoped that this time, we would both be crazy in love with each other. I needed to get rid of my anger and depression first. Well, I'm not angry anymore.
We made a good team. He forgets this because right now, all he remembers is the bad stuff. The things I didn't do instead of the things I did. The way we worked together, laughed together, talked together, wore avs that only we knew the meanings of.
We weren't alike. We were like fire and water. Opposites. But it worked. When he would be hot headed and mean, I would get him to get it all out, and calm him. When I was pissy and mean, he would tell me to relax, to take care of myself. We took care of each other. We balanced each other out.
I have a lot of issues I need to work on. I need to worry less about how I look and how people see me. There's a reason I'm like this but it's mostly because, my father was the same way.
I keep my feelings locked in. I was never really taught how to show love. My family...they don't do that. My son and I do, but the rest of them, no. I don't even know how anyone would react if I hugged them. I know I wouldn't get a hug back. So I keep my feelings for private, when we were at home, or in whispers. It wasn't because I didn't want the world to know that I love him.
I was proud to be with him! He's a good man with a good heart. He's the strongest man I know for reasons that are private. He's giving, loving, romantic, kind hearted. He is hilarious, and funny. He knows how to make a full room laugh. He's creative. He makes gorgeous backgrounds and avs. I've made him some things, special rooms and homes and other things. Then I'd see what he did and, I'd feel like, he was only saying it was nice to make me happy. He's not perfect. No one is. But I love him, flaws and all.
I need to not need other people so much. It's hard. I'm a social person online. In real, I'm different. He never got a chance to know that. I don't have any friends where I live. I was always about family. So I get online, and sometimes I want to talk to people who aren't related. Someone who isn't asking me to drive somewhere, cook something, clean something. I enjoy my social time. I enjoy it too much I guess.
I let my pride get in the way sometimes. We would fight and I couldn't back down. I hate that about myself. I don't get angry often because of it. That's why I try to stay calm all of the time when we would fight. Because I've seen myself get mean.
I drove him crazy. I hurt him a lot by things I did or didn't do. I would try to fix them and then I'd make the same mistakes again. It wasn't because I didn't care about him or love him. It's because, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. I am going to mess up. I'm always going to mess up...
8-16
I'm always torn between feeling strong, and feeling so lost without him. He's the man I thought I was always going to be with. I wanted it so badly. I should have went last Fall, before winter came. Before things got bad. I could have helped him. ...I was afraid.
I was afraid of being away from my family. I was afraid of traveling because of my panic attacks. I was afraid that he'd meet me and, he wouldn't love me. I was afraid that I wasn't going to be enough and that I wasn't good enough. I was scared. My heart was in it, but I was scared.
My biggest fear is, that he would see how bad my panic attacks are, the things I couldn't do because of them, and think I was worthless. I don't drive alone, so how was I supposed to go to his state by myself? How would I get there? Fly? Train? I can't drive out there by myself. What if I went and panicked before I got there and was stuck somewhere in between? I wouldn't be able to do it without him, and I wanted to be strong enough for him.
Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. I feel like no matter who I was with, I'm always going to be this person. Only one man has ever seemed strong enough to handle it.
I was afraid of being away from my family. I was afraid of traveling because of my panic attacks. I was afraid that he'd meet me and, he wouldn't love me. I was afraid that I wasn't going to be enough and that I wasn't good enough. I was scared. My heart was in it, but I was scared.
My biggest fear is, that he would see how bad my panic attacks are, the things I couldn't do because of them, and think I was worthless. I don't drive alone, so how was I supposed to go to his state by myself? How would I get there? Fly? Train? I can't drive out there by myself. What if I went and panicked before I got there and was stuck somewhere in between? I wouldn't be able to do it without him, and I wanted to be strong enough for him.
Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. I feel like no matter who I was with, I'm always going to be this person. Only one man has ever seemed strong enough to handle it.
I Get It Harley...
I bought a Harley Quinn mug. I've loved her since the 90's Batman cartoons. I should read the comics now that they're on Hoopla. I liked Suicide Squad and the clips of how Harley and Joker got together.
I bought a few buttons I liked, and then went to Kohls and bought a cute top. It's a size smaller than what I usually wear and it fits great so I feel like the dieting is paying off. I have a hard time finding something that I like because I don't like what everyone else is wearing. There has to be a solution to this.
I finally told someone I care about, about the cysts in my abdomen. I'm
not telling anyone else. No point in anyone worrying about it if right
now it's nothing. I told him because he asked why I was trying to lose
weight, and I don't lie or keep anything from him.
... I still miss him. I know this is going to take time. What frustrates me is, when I broke up with him, I told him that I was going through some things and to give me some time to be okay and not be angry. Only, that didn't happen and I got angrier and stayed angry for awhile. Now, I'm starting to calm down and, this is what I wanted to happen long time ago. Maybe if I had been able to calm down months ago, we could have been okay with each other. We'd be happier and friendly and fun like we used to be. He was right. I should have left Palace. It wasn't about the people or the "friends". I was trying to not feel this way. I was trying to not be depressed and angry all the time.
Now, I'm not so angry, but I feel lost. I'm lost. There was another mug I wanted. Then I saw the back...
Saturday, August 5, 2017
I Love You Always Forever
I heard this in the car and it brought back some memories. One line made me sniffle :( I'll get through this *hugs myself*
Donna Lewis - I love You Always Forever
I love you always forever
Near and far, closer together
Everywhere I will be with you
Everything I will do for you
I love you always forever
Near and far, closer together
Everywhere I will be with you
Everything I will do for you
You've got the most unbelievable blue eyes I've ever seen
You've got me almost melting away
Donna Lewis - I love You Always Forever
I love you always forever
Near and far, closer together
Everywhere I will be with you
Everything I will do for you
I love you always forever
Near and far, closer together
Everywhere I will be with you
Everything I will do for you
You've got the most unbelievable blue eyes I've ever seen
You've got me almost melting away
Friday, August 4, 2017
Queen Bee!
P.S. I added my dots back. I felt naked without them.
I'm Waiting For the Day, Waiting For the Day...
Every time I go through a break up, I watch two movies, before I move on. All of the times Jett broke up with me, I didn't do it because I knew we loved each other and would work things out. He still loves me. He told me so earlier today. He knows I still love him. But...
Sleep, or lack thereof
My homegirl Skype'd me worried, "Why are you a wreck?!" If she had read more further down *points* she would see that my sleep is really screwed up due to recent stress issues. It's sweet that she worried but totally unnecessary.
I had a long talk with MSK (new friend) about my sleep problems, my anxiety and such. He showed me a site that has some suggestions and information I haven't seen before. I'm going to pick some things out to work on. I'm also going to try to take my Melatonin tomorrow and see if that makes me tired.
Right now, I have my sleep lotion on. I used the sleep spray on my bed. I have my meditation app ready to go and the room is nice and cool. I said good night to my love. Here's to good dreams.
P.S.:
I noticed that I have people actually reading this thing. I'm not sure if they're reading because they enjoy watching me have a sleep deprived meltdown, or if my relationship issues are fascinating. Either way, hi! *waves*
I had a long talk with MSK (new friend) about my sleep problems, my anxiety and such. He showed me a site that has some suggestions and information I haven't seen before. I'm going to pick some things out to work on. I'm also going to try to take my Melatonin tomorrow and see if that makes me tired.
Right now, I have my sleep lotion on. I used the sleep spray on my bed. I have my meditation app ready to go and the room is nice and cool. I said good night to my love. Here's to good dreams.
P.S.:
I noticed that I have people actually reading this thing. I'm not sure if they're reading because they enjoy watching me have a sleep deprived meltdown, or if my relationship issues are fascinating. Either way, hi! *waves*
Thursday, August 3, 2017
Yum!
I'm back on my low carb diet. You can't see but this salad is full of protein. There's an egg, ham, olives, tomatoes, cheese. Good stuff!
I figured I'd eat while waiting on my sister to get her truck from the shop.
Thoughts
I woke up, with a feeling of dread. Like something bad is going to happen. Everything has fallen apart and I can't fix this. Everything is gone and nothing matters anymore. I know this is distorted thinking and I'll be fine in the end, but my gut tells me that everything is wrong. But what can I do? My big sister once told me, "this isn't an end. it's a pause. you don't know where things are going to go". I miss her. She gives great advice. She also told me, "Do YOU. Always be yourself. If a man loves you, he'll love who you are. Have faith."
There's a man who wants to get to know me. He's someone good, and kind. He has my sense of humor. He knows God. He knows I'm dealing with the pain of loss. He went through the same thing and he's been a good listener. He said that when I'm ready, and when I'm open, he wants to talk about the possibility of something happening. I don't know what to do. What does my gut say?
My gut says to keep taking my ASL lessons. My gut says to keep saving money. My gut says that I've been an idiot and made really bad decisions because I was hurt and alone. My gut says to keep praying and to keep my ears open and to listen instead of reacting. I am going to do these things.
There's a man who wants to get to know me. He's someone good, and kind. He has my sense of humor. He knows God. He knows I'm dealing with the pain of loss. He went through the same thing and he's been a good listener. He said that when I'm ready, and when I'm open, he wants to talk about the possibility of something happening. I don't know what to do. What does my gut say?
My gut says to keep taking my ASL lessons. My gut says to keep saving money. My gut says that I've been an idiot and made really bad decisions because I was hurt and alone. My gut says to keep praying and to keep my ears open and to listen instead of reacting. I am going to do these things.
*rawr*
In light of new information, I just realized that I've been played... *claps hands* Good job because I'm not easily fooled or manipulated. I know why it happened. Because I choose to see the good in people. I thought this person would NEVER lie to me. Just.... WOW!
Why do people have to tell me things before I fall asleep?! Now I need to unwind AGAIN.
*sighs* I'm as flawed as the next person, but I've never intentionally screwed anyone over. I don't lie. I'm not passive agressive. When I lose my temper, I lose it big so I try not to lose it at all. I don't plot, plan, manipulate. I tell it like it is and put everything on the table. I've been told I tend to talk too much if that's any indication of what I mean.
I treat people well. I try to make people feel good. When someone needs help, I'm there. I am a good mother, daughter, aunt, sister, neighbor and girlfriend. I don't need head wreckers or assholes in my life. I don't need weak ass friends who lie to me or say things about me that they wouldn't say to my face. And I definitely don't need anyone in my life who doesn't mean what they say or say what they mean.
Time to start cleaning house!
(for the slow people, that means deleting and blocking anyone who lies to me, tries to tear me down, tries to make me feel badly about myself, or who wastes my time)
Why do people have to tell me things before I fall asleep?! Now I need to unwind AGAIN.
*sighs* I'm as flawed as the next person, but I've never intentionally screwed anyone over. I don't lie. I'm not passive agressive. When I lose my temper, I lose it big so I try not to lose it at all. I don't plot, plan, manipulate. I tell it like it is and put everything on the table. I've been told I tend to talk too much if that's any indication of what I mean.
I treat people well. I try to make people feel good. When someone needs help, I'm there. I am a good mother, daughter, aunt, sister, neighbor and girlfriend. I don't need head wreckers or assholes in my life. I don't need weak ass friends who lie to me or say things about me that they wouldn't say to my face. And I definitely don't need anyone in my life who doesn't mean what they say or say what they mean.
Time to start cleaning house!
(for the slow people, that means deleting and blocking anyone who lies to me, tries to tear me down, tries to make me feel badly about myself, or who wastes my time)
So, Anyway...
I'm a mess. I've been a mess since May. Those laughs and smiles and greets and cute perky avs I wear...I wanted to be that way. I wanted to feel those things, but I wasn't. I was feeling the pain of a loss I did to myself because I thought I was doing the right thing.
At the time, I found out I had a lot of cysts in my abdomen over and under my ribs. I was also dealing with a lot of pain every time I bent, lifted, moved. I got an ultrasound done and, they're little masses and tissue that some people get. Nodules. I had one in my armpit when I was 3 and had to get it removed. They said that all they can do is watch them but right now to focus on losing weight and stablizing my blood sugar. That's when I was hard core low-carb and started working out when I wasn't feeling pain. I see my doctor again in 6 months.
In May, my mom decided that this year, she's not renewing her drivers license. She can only drive in the daytime because her night vision is really bad. I asked her to get her license and still drive in the daytime but, she won't. So now, I drive, ....all the time. That's hard enough with two active teenagers and another kid that needs rides to and from work. I'm also dealing with my mom getting older and slowly going blind. It's terrifying to me. She's not going to be here for long and this is just another reminder.
I'm not fine. My mom doesn't take care of herself, and she keeps losing more things she can do. We don't get along, and she makes me crazy but, what am I going to do without her? I still need my mom. *takes a deep breath*
At the end of May, Jett came back. I already wrote enough about this though. I was happy to see him. I rushed home and jumped on palace. I missed him. I had already become distant though. Being away for three months, I learned how to be alone. I was also dealing with the depression and anger and anxiety issues I was having at the time too.
I'm getting sleepy, which is great. It's 1am, not 5! I'll write more tomorrow.
At the time, I found out I had a lot of cysts in my abdomen over and under my ribs. I was also dealing with a lot of pain every time I bent, lifted, moved. I got an ultrasound done and, they're little masses and tissue that some people get. Nodules. I had one in my armpit when I was 3 and had to get it removed. They said that all they can do is watch them but right now to focus on losing weight and stablizing my blood sugar. That's when I was hard core low-carb and started working out when I wasn't feeling pain. I see my doctor again in 6 months.
In May, my mom decided that this year, she's not renewing her drivers license. She can only drive in the daytime because her night vision is really bad. I asked her to get her license and still drive in the daytime but, she won't. So now, I drive, ....all the time. That's hard enough with two active teenagers and another kid that needs rides to and from work. I'm also dealing with my mom getting older and slowly going blind. It's terrifying to me. She's not going to be here for long and this is just another reminder.
I'm not fine. My mom doesn't take care of herself, and she keeps losing more things she can do. We don't get along, and she makes me crazy but, what am I going to do without her? I still need my mom. *takes a deep breath*
At the end of May, Jett came back. I already wrote enough about this though. I was happy to see him. I rushed home and jumped on palace. I missed him. I had already become distant though. Being away for three months, I learned how to be alone. I was also dealing with the depression and anger and anxiety issues I was having at the time too.
I'm getting sleepy, which is great. It's 1am, not 5! I'll write more tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
...Updated. I think this is becoming a habit...
This sucks. My body is soooo tired but my mind isn't. I can't get it to shut off. I've tried reading, crossword puzzles, got back on Palace for a bit. I know it's an anxiety issue. And no, I'm not going to take a Xanax.
All of these unnecessary questions keep coming up. Should I watch Deadpool by myself? I've been waiting since February to watch it. What do I do with my Palace? I love my palace.
I have a really busy day tomorrow. Kid's appointments. Tons of paperwork to fill out for some stuff I have to get going. I have a list!
UPDATE:
I've decided, I'm not going to delete my palace. I put a lot of work into it. It's a labor of love that reminds me of good things. I'll keep it going until I can't afford it.
All of these unnecessary questions keep coming up. Should I watch Deadpool by myself? I've been waiting since February to watch it. What do I do with my Palace? I love my palace.
I have a really busy day tomorrow. Kid's appointments. Tons of paperwork to fill out for some stuff I have to get going. I have a list!
UPDATE:
I've decided, I'm not going to delete my palace. I put a lot of work into it. It's a labor of love that reminds me of good things. I'll keep it going until I can't afford it.
Updated...
My heart hurts.
It's the most illogical thing to me when two people who love each other so much, can't make things work. Illogical and sad.
---------
I'm going to take a nap so I can sleep tonight. I'm trying, again, to fix my sleep. I think I'll be more clear headed if I can. Maybe I'll make some better decisions, and have the energy to find something to occupy my mind with other things.
It's the most illogical thing to me when two people who love each other so much, can't make things work. Illogical and sad.
---------
I'm going to take a nap so I can sleep tonight. I'm trying, again, to fix my sleep. I think I'll be more clear headed if I can. Maybe I'll make some better decisions, and have the energy to find something to occupy my mind with other things.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)