What She's Doing Now

I keep meaning to update this. I did write a few times but never posted the entries. 

I wrote when I was excited about starting school. I'm taking a college course for IT Support! It's something I've wanted to do since my 30s, but my son needed 100% of my attention at the time. Here I am, almost 20 years later, going for it. It's not easy. I had to relearn how to study, how to time manage, how to participate in a learning community... I still get stuck sometimes. I recently finished a resume assignment that had me feeling so overwhelmed. I did my best and got a good grade on it. I'm proud of myself.

I wrote when I was going through a break up. I don't do well with endings. I never have. I was seeing someone for a bit. I'll call him MW. Though it was long distance, and we had some things working against us, I took it really hard when things ended. I was having a good time and just going with it. Things seemed to be going great. Then, it ended. Honestly, I don't think I ever got over it. We're friends, and though we've had a few bumps, we have a good relationship. I'm glad he's in my life. 

I wrote when my brother died. I had an older half brother, Joe, that I lost touch with when I was 9. He was about to have surgery and our other brother got in touch with me to tell me to call Joe because I might not have that chance again. I was anxious, worried he wouldn't want to speak to me for whatever reason, because he hadn't tried to get in touch with me all those years. I called and he was so happy to hear from me. We talked for a week. They were waiting to see if an infection would heal before doing his surgery. He went through the surgery, survived it, but then something happened and he was gone. I'm grateful for the chance to get to know him again. I wish he could have stayed around longer. 

I wrote when I needed to vent. Family issues, other things that bothered me or I needed to get out in words.

I wrote good things too. Good news, things people say that made me happy, random thoughts... I just never posted them. I wrote a few times in my paper journal that I carry in my purse. Writing settles me. It grounds me. It helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me express my feelings, and put out there the things I don't say with my voice. I have a lot on my mind. Sometimes, I need to purge it. Get it all out so I can have room for better things. Better ideas. Better memories. 

I'm still around. Still writing. Still sleeping badly, reading books, gaming, falling in love, wanting better things for myself, procrastinating, treating people the way I want to be treated, having anxiety attacks... I'm still here :)

• Listening to: whatever the Spotify AI DJ wants to play for me
  
• Reading: John Connolly - Black Angel
  
• Watching: Cold Case
  
• Playing: Palia, Halo, Solitaire, Crossword Puzzles
  
• Eating: a good, portion controlled diet
  
• Drinking:Earl Grey tea
  

 

 

Quick Survey

Saw this on FB and thought I'd do it here.

A- Age - 46
B- Biggest Fear: - that I'll panic to death
C- Current Time: 10:09am
D- Drink you last had: Starbucks decaff Americano with cinnamon
E- Easiest Person To Talk to: Kim
F- Favorite Song: Too many to name but I'm sure it's by Tim McGraw
G- Grossest memory: I can't think of anything. I probably blocked it from my mind.
H- Hometown: It's in Cali (too private, sorry)
I- In love with: my soulmate :)
J- Jealous of: people who don't have panic attacks
K- Killed Someone? sure, IN GAME
L- Last person you talked to : Facey's mom
M- Middle Name: Too personal, sorry
N- Number of Siblings: 6 that I know of, and a few that I don't
O- One Wish: that I didn't make stupid decisions hoping they would turn out differently
P- Person who you last called: Nephew
Q- Question you're always asked: Are you awake?
R- Reason to smile: my doggies
S- Song last sang: Kiss Me. it was on the radio in the car
T- Time you woke up: 7:15am
U- Underwear Color: pink
V- Vacation Destination: anywhere but here
W- Worst Habit: eating sweets
X- Xrays you've had: chest x-rays, my pinky, ankle
Y- Your favorite food: cow tongue tacos
Z- Zodiac Sign: Gemini

Checking In

I had a pretty good day yesterday. The only ones who gave me grief were my relatives, and them I can tune out if I have to.

I can't play Heroes Charge on my cell anymore because the game is now around 400mb huge! Why is a cell phone game that big?! WTF!

I slept too long. I turned my alarm off before bed and ended up sleeping 9 hours. I normally wouldn't complain but I was doing so well waking up at 9. I can't be waking up at 1pm.

Random Stuff

KJ and I are good friends again. I'm still not sure what his deal is but, it's all good. I like the way our friendship is now, and, he sort of opened my eyes to a few things. It's been interesting.

Facey and I are doing awesomely, though I wish I wasn't so distracted the past few days. I talk to him every day but I miss him so much.

It's been really hot lately. I can't wait til the Summer is over! Humidity sucks when you're already hot and there's no breeze.

I've been trying to fix my sleep since school started and it's not working. By the time I get to bed, the kids are waking up a few hours later and it interrupts my sleep. I end up staying up til their gone. This isn't working for me. Blah.

I'm going to sleep now and then visit my son later. I'll pay his rent and take him grocery shopping. I can't wait :D

Hmm what to make for dinner....

Sleepy Babble Yet Again

Quick sleepy babble...

I've always kind of prided myself on being able to maintain my cool. I think it's because so many people around me don't now how to hold their tempers or their mouths. So when someone bothers the hell out of me, or makes me want to say things I know I'll regret later, it almost makes me feel disappointed in myself.

I know I shouldn't feel that way. Everyone has their bad moments, and their bad sides. I'd also never begrudge anyone else their bad moments, or judge anyone else on something that is just part of human nature. I don't know why I'm so much harder on myself.

A Social Experiment

Many years ago, a friend and I were reading Craigslist ads and making fun of how shallow everyone sounded. Everyone in the lists were HOT. So, we decided to write realistic ads and see what would happen. We weren't looking for anything. We were both with people, and we let them know what we were doing. We considered it a social experiment.

I was cleaning out old email and came across my ad. This is what it said:

Title: (women seeking men) Are you an insomniac too? 
While most guys are looking for that beautiful woman to change their lives, I'm looking for the man who is looking for the cute, chubby chick with a broken tooth. 

What I'm looking for is a man who can make me laugh. A man who is a cross between Radar and Hawkeye (and who knows who they are); has read a few good books; can do something like change his own oil and isn't afraid to get his hands dirty; doesn't care that I'm frumpy or broke and would be cool doing something around town. 

Hidden talent: I can do this weird eye wiggling thing.

I got responses. One said, "You never said what you looked like." which was part of the point. The other response was this:

I'm sorry but men flag ads that are unattractive to them and lack personal descriptions. If you were a guy, your ad might fly in the M4W area because it's culturally "normal" for women want to bring home a homeless mutt to bathe and fix him up and love him and kiss him and squeeze him and sigh etc. Not so for men. You might want to add in: age race height weight hair eyes style

It was the oddest thing to me. My listing was flagged because I didn't describe how I looked. My friend's was too. We were honest, described what we were looking for, and wanted to see if anyone who read it would be intrigued enough to respond. I got a few actual responses. One guy is now a good friend of mine. I see him all over town and catch up. He's a smart guy, and not shallow at all. He just likes to know about people and meet people who are interesting to talk to.

And I resent that some guy thinks that women wouldn't mind bringing home a "homeless mutt" to change and love up. Who does that?!

And now, I must sleep.

zzzzzz

I meant to write some yesterday but I was busy. It was a good busy :) A little positive preoccupation never hurt anyone.

Going back to bed. I have some dreaming to catch up on.

Random Junk

Sometimes, I think I'm way too passive. I'm assertive when it comes to my kids. I'm assertive when it comes to making a point. I have my areas where I take a strong stand on things. When it comes to men, I've always been kind of passive. I think I've been hurt so much that I see it as, if he wants to be with me, he will. Or, if he doesn't want to be with me, he can walk away. MFP told me once that a man sometimes wants to be fought for. He needs proof and actions.

There's always going to be something like, the alpha female type that always gets what she wants. I don't think that's ever going to be me. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm meant for the guy who would make the first move. Maybe I'm meant to be happy with what I need so I can appreciate what I want when I get it. 

Okay, done with that random babbling. I need to start dinner.

Faith

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

You don't have to read the Bible to know that that's the true definition of faith. Faith in people, events, things. Believing in something without proof that it's going to happen. Faith is confidence in what we HOPE for. I will always have hope, and I will always have faith, in everything.

I think that's where I get hurt a lot. I know in my gut that things are a certain way only, the people involved, or the situation sort of falls short of fulfillment. Then I get disappointed. I don't mind though. I know things happen the way they're supposed to. That's faith too.

Random

Tonight, I met someone who is a paranormal investigator. Of course I had a bunch of questions but I didn't get to talk to him too long. I had errands to run and such tonight. I've always liked meeting people, learning about them and what they do. It's great, especially if they're passionate about it.

My skin has been really dry because of the weather. I went shopping around for lotion and ended up buying one from CVS that's for extra dry skin. It works great! The only problem.... it smells sooooo strong. It smells like I rubbed myself up and down with a bar of super strong smelling soap :( I wish I could somehow neutralize the smell.

I'm eating a triple chocolate chip cookie because, well I can.

Just a Thought

I noticed that lately, I don't have the energy to care about a lot of things. I don't mean that in a negative way, but in a way that releases me from worry and anxiety. For instance, if I ask someone a question, and they don't answer me after I ask twice, it no longer matters to me. If I ask someone to do something, and they don't, it's no longer my problem. I would rather spend my energy on things that aren't pointless, and that actually matter to me.

I've also been clearing a lot of my friends lists. I deleted a lot of people from my realid, facebook friends, messenger lists and my phone contacts. I don't see that as a negative either. If someone wants to stay in touch, that's fine. They can still reach me. But, I don't need people on my lists that I don't even speak to anymore, or who were once in my life but no longer are. I just consider it decluttering.

Side note: I got my new ally to Draenor! :D I soloed the entire time, minus random dungeons. It was a lot of fun, and reminded me of when I first played the game. I soloed on my Suramar main, though at the time I had NO idea what I was doing, or how to really play the game. I'm still a baddie but I've learned to embrace it! Whatever gets me through the day, right? :D

Confidence

Lately, I've been more aware of people who have genuine confidence. I'm not talking about stuck-up, looking down on anyone, type of confidence. I'm talking about the kind of people who not only know their strengths, but who help those around him build up theirs. I've been looking at celebrities because they're in the public eye, but I've been noticing people like that anywhere I'm at.  I'm going to start being more aware of what makes these people seem confident, and learn from it.

I already mentioned knowing one's strengths. I think I need to make a list of mine.

Today was uneventful. I went to some thrift stores looking for tops. Last week, I found 3 that were really nice, exactly my size and only $4 each. Now I keep my eye out for more bargains. I have a lot of shirts that no longer serve their purpose. Either they're old, worn out, stained, or just too big. I had lost weight awhile back and I never tossed those clothes. It's just one of the things I'm working on right now.

I started this entry earlier, fell asleep and one of the kids woke me up. I turned the monitor on for the light and realized I forgot to hit Publish. Getting back into this bed. I was having a great dream about someone I miss so much...

Such a Rebel

Okay, so this doesn't really make me a bad girl :P The kids had to go in for their annual physicals, so I just played crossword puzzles on my cell for an hour. Another busy day, somewhat.

Random Thursday

I'm just going to jot down random thoughts today. Yeah, it's one of my less focused days :(

10:48am
The whole point of playing games is to have fun. Why do people have to make it so complicated?

My mother does this annoying thing where, if I buy something, she thinks she bought it. She's been doing this my whole life. She keeps saying she remembers paying for things and then wonders how I got it. Household items, books, clothes... 

11:34am
Things seemed a lot less stressful when I had the first floor to myself for the day. But it's okay! It's more motivation to keep pushing forward with this plan.

To-Do: Find my son's birth certificate...again. He needs a new ID.; Make a dr's appointment.; Buy sandpaper for the spilled nail polish in the sink. (these kids!);

2:20pm
I'm defrosting the fridge. We've always had issues with the freezer getting TOO cold between the freezer/fridge area. It would collect too much ice, build up solid frost and then air flow doesn't work properly. It seems like every 3 months I have to turn it off and defrost it for 2 days to get it working again. It's only a year old but the warranty has already expired

I took my mother to get some errands done. Her back is feeling a lot better today, and she was having a slight case of cabin fever. After awhile, I wanted a few hours to myself to get some paper work done so I had her drop me off at home. I put a roast in the crock pot with a bunch of garlic. It smells so good! I'm going to turn on some Yiruma and get this done before the kids get home.

9:32pm
I had a good evening. We had the lamb I was cooking all day, and it was soooo good. It fell off the bone. I love my crock pot.

I started watching a movie with the kids earlier but it's so hard for me to focus when they talk through the whole thing. How do they even know what's going on? I think I'll stick to saving serious movie time for when they're in bed. I'll watch the no-brainer shows with them. They're getting ready for bed now. I got some twangy country music going and I'm making my lists for tomorrow.

I've decided that I'm going on a Facebook break for awhile. I just want a little break from all the negativity. There's good news too but it's mostly rants and complaints.

Going to see what Izz is up to and play some DFO for half an hour while the kids are doing their thing. I think tonight I'll go with plain, black tea.

Nothing To See Here

Today was non-eventful. I spent half of it working on my youngest sister's laptop. She had so many viruses and adware on there! I told her to start backing things up and I'll reformat it in a few days. After that, I went to grab lunch at a hidden burger stand not too far away, ran a few errands and then hung out with the youngest. I taught her how to use Google Earth and we were creeping friend's houses. We also checked out the areas behind the nearby mountains. We've always wondered what was back there. Now we know.

We had an early dinner. The kids are done with homework. I'm going to take an hour and enjoy some game time before I clean something. I've been casually playing DFO, and my witch is at a decent lvl 42. I'm still soloing everything, and I like it so much better than running with randoms.

Those that have known me a long time, know I used to be hooked on Old Radio shows. I've decided to start listening to some again while working around the house, and doing my hobbies. This is going to be great :D I'll start with some that are posted on Zoot Radio and go from there.

I Wish!

...Well the bundle of energy part.

 

 

My Baby

My dog pokes her face out from under the blankets as soon as she hears me eating something. Such a brat, and so cute! 

 

 

Like the Rain...

 

Clint Black - Like the Rain

I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
Every thunder cloud that came was one more I might not get through
On the darkest day there's always light and now I see it too
But I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you
I hear it falling in the night and filling up my mind
All the heaven's rivers come to light I see it all unwind
I hear it talking through the trees and on the window pane
When I hear it I just can't believe I never liked the rain
Like the rain I have fallen for you and I know just why you
Liked the rain always calling for you I'm falling for you now
Just like the rain

So....

Dessert gum is one of my favorite inventions! ...and I still miss him. Every time I've lost someone, it hurts so badly for so long. Then one day, you're surprised that you haven't thought about loving them for a bit. Nothing you can do until then. The thing is, I know that this time it's different.

Junk and Stuff

Why are guys always trying to show me their penis? I don't know if it's because I've always been a reserved, old fashioned person, but, I've never been too excited about guys trying to send me photos of their junk. If a man ever wants to get me in the mood, that's just not the way to go.

I want a man to talk to me. I want him to intrigue me. Make me laugh. A man has to make me want him by doing something other than flashing his penis at me. It's not hard. Hmm maybe I should use the word 'difficult'.

The man I've wanted the most hasn't shown me his penis. He does talk to me. He does make me laugh. We talk, and banter, and flirt. He truly cares about me. He treats me like a woman he wants to get to know, not just with my clothes off. He checks on me and asks me how I've been. He asks me to spend time with him because sometimes he just misses me. It's nice to be missed. He is the sexiest man I know because he does all of these things.

So guys, quit showing every girl you talk to, your penis. If you're with her, then it's all good. If you're trying to get with her, and you're looking for something serious beyond the sex, don't do it. Keep it in your pants. Please!