Reading: Lisa Jewell - Watching You

Watching You by Lisa Jewell

My rating: 5 of 5 stars






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3 Good Things

1. Doggy hugs are awesome. 🐶❤️

2. Yay for new book discoveries. Currently reading Caraval. 🎠🎪📚

3. I'm sleepy at a somewhat normal hour. ⏰😪

(via Delightful on Android)

Book Challenge : Bad Girls Throughout History

Bad Girls Throughout History: 100 Remarkable Women Who Changed the World by Ann Shen

My rating: 5 of 5 stars






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Mmmm

My favorite. An iced decaf Americano. Yes I said decaf!

Quick Recap

For the past few weeks, I've been writing daily entries in my bullet journal. I've been busy. Appointments, inspection, studying Blender and Greek, and dealing with some stuff that's been coming up. Missing GG, always.

I'm still sleeping at night, which is great. It's almost midnight and I'm ready for bed. I think I'm going on 3 weeks? I don't remember. I've had 2 slip ups, and I was able to fix it as long as I did it right away. I had to use half a Benadryl once, but it helped.

I'm going to take my book to bed and sleep. Good Night Universe

Quick Brainstorm

Amy Landino talks a lot about creating and going after the life you want. I used to think I knew what that was. When I was with GG, that meant, finishing these courses, and working on our business. It meant using my newly aquired skills to get more money coming in, and having a better quality of life than what I have now. It meant making sure my kids have everything they need so they can go after the things that they want. It meant being able to save to travel between here and Greece. (Yes, I know, big dreams.)

I think I'm trying to figure out what the life I want is, now that I'm not factoring him in. I wanted that life. I would have loved that life. So now, I have to ask myself, what is the life that I want?

My goal is to be financially secure, in a nice place in the Midtown area, where I can work during the week, and enjoy my weekends either downtown, or doing something relaxing. I'm going to finish these courses, and then start working on more advanced things. I want to freelance, or find work on a team. I think my only worry as far as Blender is, what if I suck doing texturing? What if my graphics skills just, suck? Guess I'll worry about that when I get to that point. I don't have the luxury of worry. Right now it's just DO.

Short and Not Sweet At All

I had a really crappy day. I'm ready for bed. Good night Universe!

My Wednesday

Yesterday was a busy day. I woke up early again. Yay! I washed my face, started my coffee, drove a kid to work and then watched some goal setting vids, hoping that something would click. Nothing clicked. It will come to me.

I spent most of the morning learning things. I listened to three lectures and played around on Blender. I watched more motivational vids and learned that NO ONE really likes to wake up early. They just do it. I did get on Palace. I don't get anything from it anymore so I left soon after. Oh! I meditated. I did a specific morning meditation that sort of blesses your day. It only lasted ten minutes but I liked it. It made me feel like I was doing something else to take care of myself. I'm not sure if I'll make it a habit but, I was able to check it off on my tracker :)

I went to therapy. I told her about MSK and I breaking up. She thinks I'm handling things in a really healthy way. I think I am too. I'm not feeling great. I'm still hurting and I miss him. But I'm not crying all the time, obsessing, or fighting with him. I told her of my recent goals and plans. She liked my ideas, and that I'm using this energy to move forward.

I went to Bath & Body Works, and treated myself to two aromatherapy lotions. One is for stress relief and the other is for focus. I just like how they smell :) I went to visit my son for awhile. He's good. It was a good Wednesday. Today should be okay too.

I slept in til 9:30. I didn't mean to but, I couldn't sleep til 1am last night. Tonight I'll take half a Benadryl if I can't fall asleep before 1. I can't let this get out of hand, or go back to the bad habit of sleeping til noon. I'm going to go make some green tea, and start my day. We'll see how Thursday goes!

Introspect

I fell asleep last night at 11:30, and woke up at 6:30, with a few interruptions in between. Not bad. I don't know if I can keep it up but, I feel pretty productive and it's only almost 10am.

I started my coffee, got online and watched two motivational videos. I made breakfast... zucchini with chorizo and egg whites with some avocado. Good stuff :D

One of the vids sort of did my head in. I have these mini goals... Finish my courses, then move on to more advanced learning. But what is it that I want to do? I want to create games, maybe find an app team, do something with it. I don't know of anything I want to do specifically. I need some actual end game goals. Possibilities are endless so I can pretty much do anything I set my mind to, but WHAT?!

------
I miss GG. I don't just miss him. I wonder about him. I hope he's okay. I don't think he wonders about me, which is sad to me, but, not much time goes by that I don't think about him, or that something doesn't remind me of him. He's the person I shared everything with. It's not a matter of finding someone to share with. I don't want to do that. I want him. I miss him. Anyone else, would fall short.

Everything I'm doing now, I started doing WITH him. It's hard to find the gumption to keep going without him but I'm doing it. I feel it honors what we had, and our plans. It's also something that, I feel keeps me connected to him. I know that's not necessarily a positive but, it's the truth. I miss him.

Down the Rabbit Hole, in a Good Way

Last night, I spent quite a few hours watching Amy Landino's productivity vids. A lot of them were about branding, using social media to promote your business, and a few other specific things. I skimmed through some of that, but, there was so much good information. I grabbed my index cards and took notes!

Some of the things I wrote down were about business. Things like, get a domain name and don't use gmail for business. Make a website. Read specific books. How to network. All good stuff! Some of the videos were different and more, personal. Ways to make yourself marketable and put your best foot forward. Some were about self esteem and believing in yourself.

When I found her videos, I was specifically looking for information on fixing my sleep and taking better care of myself. I was watching the videos of another girl whose name escapes me at the moment, and I saw Amy's vid titled How To Eliminate Self Doubt Forever. That was eye catching, and who doesn't want to get rid of self doubt? I discovered Mel Robbins whose book I found on my library site, so I'll be getting into that after I read the current book.

I swear it's like a rabbit hole of so much positivity. This isn't hokey, non usable stuff either. This is all good information. I'm excited! So I'm going over my notes. I'm trying to form some tangible, specific goals. She, like me, puts some focus on WHY. Why am I doing this? Right, I've got THAT index card too :)

I'm starting to really love this journey. I'm sad that GG isn't going on it with me but, this is why I need to remember how to get myself through this. How not to depend or rely on anyone. How to take care of my emotional needs, and not need a partner to get through this stuff. I have myself, and I have Amy :)

P.S. Amy also has a Goodreads account so yay, more book recommendations! She also has a bujo :D

BooK: Song of my Soul

After watching a few lectures, doing my Greek lessons, and cleaning the kitchen I finished reading my current book.

Song of My Soul by Ginny Aiken

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

3 Good Things - Tuesday

1. I had a great year and 3 months with the love of my life. No regrets. ❤️⚓

2. I have my lessons, courses and tutorials to keep me distracted. 

3. My dogs know how to cheer me up. 

More Books

I forgot to add the past few books that I've read.

Last to Die by Tess Gerritsen

My rating: 4 of 5 stars






We've Only Just Begun by Kathleen Ball

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The link to this was sent to me in an email for free/inexpensive e-books. The story sounded cute so I grabbed it. I liked it. It wasn't overly romantic, and it wasn't "dirty". There was focus on the other characters and realistic things happened during the Oregon Trail ride. The ending was kind of cheesy but other than that, it was a nice, quick story.


Consider by Kristy Acevedo

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I saw this reviewed on a vlog and had to check it out. Glad I did! Recommending this to some of my book reading friends.


Contribute by Kristy Acevedo

My rating: 5 of 5 stars






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How Does One Say Cahier?

I had a nice, low key Labor Day. The kids mostly stayed upstairs and kept busy. I talked to a few friends. I went over my planner for the week. I made a great chicken, rice and kimchi dinner.

I restarted my first online course. A few weeks ago I was talking to Roo about study habits, and going back to school. I realized that one reason that it's been hard to get into my studies is, I haven't done any since high school. And in high school, you had books, lectures, took notes, highlighted, and did homework. Watching vids and then getting into the work is fine if you're used to it. I needed a way to get back into the habit of studying. So, I bought a set of the Moleskine cahier's and decided to take notes, and draw diagrams in there. I'm already loving this. I feel like, I'm investing in myself for one. And also, I can take it with me and review, so that when I get home, I can pick up where I left off. I'm excited.

Right now I just exfoliated and then put on a soothing face mask. Note to self: buy some toner.

I watched some motivational videos. I've been trying to watch some now and then to get into the habit of thinking better thoughts. We'll see how this goes. Something needs to counteract the negative self-talk. 

I'm going to get this face mask off and get in bed with my book. Good night Universe.

Seriously...

Sometimes I'm not my own best friend. Tonight, I was sitting here reviewing my Greek lessons, and I thought, "Who the fuck am I to be sitting here at 47, trying to learn a whole other language? Seriously. I've never done anything like this before. ...Why am I trying to fix my sleep NOW? It's never worked before. ...Why am I playing around with 3D programs when I will probably not be good at it? I'm not great at drawing. Why would digital art be any different? Who do I think I am?"

I don't talk nicely to myself sometimes. I have a lot of self doubt. I have a lot of fear of failure, and even more fear of success. I could sit here and analyze why I'm like this but I'm guessing it would take the other half of my lifetime and I just don't have time for that.

I'm 47 years old, and I feel like I'm starting all over. In some ways, that's great. I have a fresh start, and the experience of an older person to do it. At the same time, I have these little voices telling me that, I've done nothing great so far, so what makes me think I can change any of that? Not only that, but I'm doing this all on my own energy and resources. I'm not relying on anyone. I have no one cheering me on, or having my back. It's just me.

...I have to come up with a plan. I have to list the things I'm working on, and my end goals. I need to write down WHY I am doing these things, so that when I feel like I'm not worth all of this, or I feel like giving up, I can look at it, and remind myself WHY. By this time next year, I want to look back and say that I've taken huge steps forward. I've made a lot of changes this year, and I want to keep making changes. This from the woman who said that she doesn't do well with change.

4am. I need to get in bed. I'm just up thinking too much when I shouldn't be. Good night Universe.





.... I miss GG.

He's doing the right thing. This is right. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Aching

GG and I are done. I'm not handling it well. I miss him. I miss the man that I met and fell in love with. I know I have to let him go though, so he can do what he needs to do. I could have begged, and made him feel badly but, that's not me. That's not love. I love him. I know he doesn't understand why and he thinks it's because he gives me things that no one else does. But that's not it. He's a good, wise, and brilliant man. I love having him in my life. I feel a huge loss without him in it. Huge loss. I won't be selfish. I let him go and he will be in my prayers. I wish him the best and I wish him happiness.

My heart is intact, because he never took it from me. He held it, loved it, cherished it, but it was always mine. That's what real love is. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Nap Time

I fixed my sleep pretty much. I've been waking up at 7 for 2 weeks and driving kids around. Only I'm still not getting enough sleep, so I need a nap after I drive them. This is me heading for a nap.

zzzzzZZZZZZZzzz

Greek Stuff

My font isn't being friendly today. I'm learning Greek and using the Greek keyboard. It took 7 tries to get my keyboard to switch over back to English. I'd type in Greek if I knew how!

So far I've been using Duolingo. It's a site/app that starts you off with the alphabet, and builds on your vocabulary. It's been fun, and, the "streak" feature makes me want to be sure to do it every day. I'm on a 27 day streak so far! I've also been enhancing that with a Biblical Greek app. I make flash cards. I write words over and over until I think I've got them. It's not easy, but I know that this is the easy part. Once I get into conjugation, I'm in trouble.

It's been fun. GG has been helping me here and there, and it's nice to be able to ask questions of someone who knows the language. We use the pally background to write things out since it doesn't allow for the keyboard.

I've taking my time with it. I don't move ahead until I'm sure I understand what I've done so far. I also do drills to reinforce it, and speak the words out loud hoping it catches in my brain. Exciting stuff.

I love words. For the past week, I was having a hard time with the word for Woman, which is γυναίκα, until I looked it up tonight and realized that the first part is GYNA, as in.... woman/female. Learning things like this makes a huge difference in helping me to remember the vocabulary.

A friend told me, "understand, speak, read+write, in that order". I don't think it works that way though. Everything I've looked at seems to combine all of those. So, first goal... Get full gold in Duolingo. Then I'll see where I go from there. Fun!

Heading to bed with my crossword. Good night Universe.

Latest

It's been an interesting month. I got to go on a road trip to visit my nephew's new baby. Most of the family went. We had the music going and snacks were abundant. When we got there, it was gorgeous. The weather was perfect, and the location was so pretty. They live on an Indian reservation, and we got to stay in a hotel casino. I didn't gamble but their clam chowder was good. It was a great trip. I wish we could do it more often.

GG and I broke up, got back together, and then broke up again. And then got back together, I think. I'm not sure. I don't think he's sure. We love each other. I think the distance is just too much. We don't fight. This was our first fight, and it wasn't too bad. We weren't mean to each other. Just, a lot came out that he was holding back. We'll see how it goes. I'll be praying on it.

I'm looking into the Eastern Orthodox church. It sounds very intimidating, but, interesting. I was reading about what sermons are like, what to expect at a meeting. I still have to worry about getting there. But, I won't. I'll call and ask questions and we'll see what happens :)

There's other stuff but everyone wants to head out. Later, Universe!

3 Good Things - Thursday

1. I'm happy. ☺️️

2. I'm only a month away from being a full fledged care giver! ⚕️

3. I have some really good and true friends. 

I used to be someone who never gave up on people. Maybe that was part of the problem.

3 Good Things - Wednesday

1. Going to bed before 1:30. Go, me! 🛏️😪

2. I got to talk to Saturn for a bit. I haven't talked to him in a month or two. 📚 🤓

3. Only one more thing to do before my job starts. Yay! 💼💰

3 Good Things - Tuesday

1. I finished my book and the ending was a huge surprise O_O A really bad surprise. Good story though! 🏕️

2. I made some awesome turkey patties. Everyone loved them. 🦃

3. I found a new book. A Tess Gerritsen novel. 😁

Hannah Richell - The Shadow Year

The Shadow Year by Hannah Richell

My rating: 4 of 5 stars






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3 Good Things Monday

1. My book is getting really good. Something bad is going to happen though, and I almost don't want to read it. 🤤

2. S1E3 of Grey's made me cry. 😭

3. Had a good dinner. Had zucchini noodles with pesto sauce. Yum! 🥒

3 Good Things 4-15-18

1. I had a great day. 🌻

2. I feel so creative lately. Yay for the creative process! 💻

3. I found a new book to read. The Shadow Years. 📖

3 Good Things 4-13-18

1. Life is good! ☎️

2. I had the best veggie shrimp stir fry. I'm a pretty good cook. 綾 戀

3. I'm finally organizing all of the bills and mail for the house. It's kind of overwhelming but it will be worth it! 

3 Good Things 4-12-18

1. I had an amazing fish sandwich from B & J's for lunch. 🐟

2. I had a good convo with a local friend earlier about books. 📚

3. I love when I get home and my dogs are super excited to see me. 🐶

3 Good Things 4-11-18

1. I finished my book and now I can find a new one to read.

2. I got a bunch of stuff done today. Less stuff to worry about now.

3. I have some really talented friends. https://youtu.be/B6Cj2RZanKY

3 Good Things 4-11-18

1. I finished my book and now I can find a new one to read.

2. I got a bunch of stuff done today. Less stuff to worry about now.

3. I have some really talented friends. https://youtu.be/B6Cj2RZanKY

John Connolly - Every Dead Thing

Every Dead Thing by John Connolly

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was a really good book. It's about a man, who is a cop, whose wife and daughter were murdered by a serial killer. He leaves the police force, and tries to keep himself busy by chasing bad guys for bails bondsmen and whoever will hire him. He's also keeping his ear to the ground as far as his family's killer.

He takes a case for a friend, and tries to find a missing kid. He stumbles onto a serial killer who kills children, and things pick up from there. He works on several cases and in the meantime is getting closer to his family's killer. There are a lot of interesting characters in this book that I found fascinating.

I really liked this author's writing style. It reminded me a bit of an old detective novel. A lot of the reviews mentioned how graphic the violence is, but I didn't see it as any more graphic than some of the crime shows that are on TV.

The historical references were interesting. I like a book that will make me want to do some research on the side. I'm going to read something else to cleanse my palette and then get on to book #2.



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Anxiety Sucks

I would love to be asleep but, I'm having a really bad anxiety night. I have a lot going on right now, so I think that's what's happening. Some good stuff is going on too. It's just mixed up with some bad stuff.

I went on a road trip with the family to go and visit my new great-nephew who was born on the 28th. The trip was fun and we got to do some things I haven't done in so long. We rented a van so 6 of us could go. The baby is beautiful. The scenery was gorgeous. It was a really good time. I started to get anxious on our way home. I was worried I would have a panic attack in the middle of nowhere but, I was fine. I was definitely relieved to get back home.

Our car isn't running. It has power but it won't start. From what I've read, it's the starter. Tomorrow, I have to call around and ask how much to get a starter fixed, then figure out how to get the car there since my mom let the AAA go. Even if we wanted to pay AAA, we're waiting on a new bank card. My mom finally put me on the bank account since she had some issues with her memory after her fall last month. Once the bank card comes in, we need a way to get TO the bank to activate it.... I swear, I can't catch a break.

Every time things are going great, something comes up to remind me that life sucks. I'm anxious, and we don't have a running car, so even if I did have a bad panic attack, there's nothing I can do to get to the ER. I'll have to be fine though, right? I really don't have a choice. *breathes* I can do this.

I'm going to get in bed and hope to fall asleep. If my anxiety wakes me up, I'll figure it out. Good night Universe.

3 good things 3-23-18

1. I forgot, I won $9 on a $1 lotto the other day.
2. It's Friday :D
3. My pets make me laugh so much.

3 Good Things 3-21-18

1. I can make a delicious meal out of nothing. It's a gift :D
2. I miss P. But I know he would be there if I needed him.
3. Everything goes the way it's supposed to.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I bought a new phone on Tuesday. My son's phone broke and since he tends to be rough on phones, I gave him my phone, which was only 2 years old, and bought a new one. I'm still not used to it. Things are so different from phone to phone. It's weird to me. On the bright side, this phone has twice as much storage, so... I went looking for some new apps.

I came across one that's a daily gratitude journal. Every day, you write 3 things you're grateful for, or that give you positive thoughts. There are also prompts. For example, #1 said to say something good about yourself. #2 said to mention someone. #3 said to give yourself some advice. I like the idea, so I went with it. The app is called. Delightful, and, it is :)

Heading back to bed since I'm finally sleepy again. Good night Universe!

3 Good Things For 3-17-18:

1. Things after starting to fall into place.
2. I made a new local friend.
3. I'm resourceful.

Widow Walk - Gar Lasalle

Widow Walk by Gar Lasalle

My rating: 5 of 5 stars






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Afternoon Thoughts

Not a whole lot is really going on. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. I told her about my Uncle's heart valve issue and my mom's mini strokes. She said I need to start working out again. I always start but it's doing it every day that I have the problem with. It needs to be done though. I'll sleep better. My anxiety will be less. My blood sugar will be more stable. I need to just suck it up and do it. I did bookmark some band workouts on my Sparkpeople mobile app. I can start walking and then use the bands for resistance training. I'll do it... I just need to get in the right mind frame and psych myself up :D

The house is still clean. I straighten up and do my Flylady stuff every day. I'm a bit blah on zone work but I do my Hotspots and decluttering, with the daily routines. It helps a lot. We had to call the maintenance guy awhile ago. There was a major leak under the sink, and the floor was half covered in water. We only had to run through the rooms putting a few things away, and I was able to let him in without saying, "Excuse the mess". Also, when I was sick, the house didn't fall apart. The kids have been washing dishes without being asked! I love what a difference these little changes have made.

We've been cooking at home, and cut out fast food. The kids started doing it for their New Years resolution and it's held pretty well :) Now, I continue cooking at home every day, to save money and eat better. We still get our once-in-awhile splurges like McD's ice cream cones but that's better than buying a half gallon of ice cream and eating it all. My mom's doctor told her that she's lost weight and her cholesterol is lower. I hope she appreciates eating at home more. A side bonus is, if I'm cooking at home, we're not out all the time and getting in late.

I know I've written about most of this already but, things are going well in those areas and I'm still excited by it :D On the negative, I'm still working on my sleep habits, and I woke up this morning in an anxiety attack. I'm working on all of it, but a bit at a time, in manageable sizes so I don't feel overwhelmed. I'm still using my planner to sort things out and get them out of my head. I've started the blanket I'm making for my nephew, and I have the youngest started on a project for the baby too. It will give me something to do besides playing the Sims, and Minecraft when I'm bored.

I'm going to go make something to munch on and wait for the kids to get home. I'm going to the bank later to get my name put on my mom's account, and we have to go and pay some bills. When I get home, we'll have Shake n Bake chicken, home made coleslaw and some other stuff. I've got this :D

Oh Really?

Last Friday

I haven't really been able to sit and write lately. I know it's because I've been living in my head without really trying to get it out.

Last Friday, I had a therapy appointment where I was telling my therapist about how high my stress level was. It turns out I was stressing myself out. I was worrying about things that didn't need worrying about. I was looking at the things I haven't done, and the things that I let overwhelm me. I was worried about my health, my mom's health, the kids and their problems.

I didn't need to do all of that. I've actually been doing really well so far this year. My house has been pretty much spotless. My kids are doing chores without being asked or yelled at. I'm slowly taking over the finances, so we aren't broke at the end of the month. We haven't had fast food but maybe once or twice since New Years. Things aren't all great but those are some really good changes. I think I'm more anxious because I'm not used to things being okay for very long.

Then... that night, my mom had a really bad fall. She cut a half inch gash into her nose and busted her upper and lower lip. It was so bad. Then, we noticed that she wasn't remembering anything. She was really disoriented, didn't know how she fell or where she was. I had a panic attack the whole way to the ER. I thought she had had a stroke and that we had lost her. I was terrified for so many reasons.

.... I handled it. I got her there, took care of her, made sure they took care of her. The middle kid stepped up and took care of things when I needed to make phone calls. I'm a bit stressed, and anxious, and tense, but, I can do this. I also have some really great people in my corner, encouraging me and supporting me. I feel okay :)

Today is my son's birthday. I baked him a cake which he'll love. It's a chocolate cake, two layers, and in between, chocolate pudding and sliced bananas. I'm going to head out and enjoy the rest of the day.

Quick Post

I'm okay. Since my mom's fall the other night, I've been trying to navigate some changes that need to be made, and also face a few fears. I'll write about that soon. I'm going to get a nap in and then get some stuff done. Good night Universe.

Paper Girls

It's been a really rough weekend. My mom fell and hurt herself badly. I'll write more about that maybe tomorrow. While we were at the hospital waiting, I was reading a comic, while she rested. I ended up finishing it tonight. It was really good and I needed the distraction.

This series, Paper Girls, is about four, twelve year old paper girls. It's Halloween night, and scary stuff happens. I thought it was really good. There are 20 volumes, and the first book has the first 5 so yay, more to read :)

Paper Girls, Vol. 1 by Brian K. Vaughan

My rating: 4 of 5 stars






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Some Good Stuff

I went to therapy, and told my therapist about how tense and stressed out I've been. It was a good talk and it made me realize that, I'm actually doing really well.

Since the beginning of 2018...
I've had the house spotless.
The middle kid is washing dishes and cooking more without being asked.
I've started some self care routines.
I'm up to date on appointments and planner items.


On the negative:
My uncle has cancer and we're still hoping it's not terminal.
My mom has had mini strokes and her eyesight is almost gone.
I'm still having my panic attacks and anxiety issues.

So there's good and bad, but there are a lot of changes. Maybe I'm just adjusting to the changes. I'll see my doctor on Tuesday and get a check up. I guess I should keep feeling positive. I've made some positive changes, and some good things are happening. Maintain the positive!

I Think Too Much

Yesterday a friend asked me if I was happy, because GG and I are spending more time together. I couldn't answer. I kept thinking on it all day and I realized, it's not that I'm not happy. It's that, I don't want to love anyone anymore. My last relationship's ending hurt so much. It still hurts if I think about it, which is why I try not to.

This last break up almost killed me. I can't go through that again. I do love GG. He's an amazing person, and so good to me. I'm worried I guess, for that day when it no longer works. ... So it's not that I'm not happy. It's that I'm afraid to be.

Not Alone

I've been meaning to sit and write, but lately I don't get a lot of alone time. That's not good because my stress level is up. So, I put my headphones on, turn the music up and try to tune everyone out.

The kids had a four day weekend. Maybe tomorrow I'll have more time to myself.

Jeffery Deaver - The Twelfth Card

I finished this book this morning and haven't had a chance to sit and post til now. I still have a bunch of things I need to get done. Laundry... I have to drive a kid to the book store... etc...

I'll write more of a review for this later.

The Twelfth Card by Jeffery Deaver

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I liked the story, the multiple plots and twists. I love any book that makes me want to do personal research. Some of the dialogue was kind of off putting but I got through it.



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Tuna Shells

I was looking around for tuna recipes and found this: Creamy Shells with Tuna and Spinach.

The kids loved it.

Quick Thought on Self Esteem

I've just read an article about how self esteem is the basis for a lot of things that will make us happy. How you feel about yourself, your self worth. It's the basis of staying on a diet, working on things you want to work on. If you love yourself, or care about yourself, you'll want to do things that help you take care of yourself. It makes sense.

I have a self esteem book that my last therapist gave me. I let it go when he left the health group I was going to. I'm thinking I should pull it out again, review what I already know, and maybe try to go through it on my own. My therapist wants me to go through the Anxiety Workbook I have. If I do one chapter a week of both, maybe it will help. I mean, it couldn't hurt, right?

2-11-18 Random Stuff

I still feel woozy, but since it's not getting worse, I'm going to try not to worry about it too much. My ex said something that made sense. He said I'm reading too much lol. It feels like when you're taking off your glasses after wearing them for so long. That disoriented, trying to focus feeling. Maybe it's my glasses? I'll make an appointment this week to see what's going on.

I made Korean pancakes for breakfast. You slice up veggies like zucchini, green onions, carrots, and you saute them. Then you pour your batter over it and let it cook. You eat it with soy sauce and sesame oil. It's so good!

Last night, a friend linked me to a Chinese site that has so many stickers and things I want for my bullet journal. It's really cheap too and there's no shipping on the things I want. He was showing me all of the stuff he's bought on the site. He buys makeup and beauty products from them for himself and his mom. He said that they've always delivered and he's never had a problem with it. I'm going to check it out once I have some money saved. I'll use Paypal for it so they don't have my bank info. 

It's a quiet day. I just made breakfast, went over the counters and restroom with sanitizing wipes, Swiffered the floor. Now I'm going to find something to watch while I go through my grandma's embroidery patterns. This should be fun.

Catch Up

This book I'm reading is really good. It's part 6 in a series of 13. I'm glad I've been reading so much lately. It keeps my mind off of other things for awhile.

The inspection went really well, since they decided to skip us this time! The place is staying clean and the kids are helping to keep it that way. I'm sticking to the Flylady routines so that will help a lot. This week she was in the kitchen, so I did some of her daily tasks. Today's task was to check the cleaning supplies and make sure there was enough, or toss out any empty ones etc. Already did that the other day. I got this :D

Yesterday I spent hours dress shopping with the middle kid. She has a senior event this weekend and it's formal. I don't know how many stores we went to but she couldn't find anything she liked. We're supposed to go to Macy's today and see what's there. I don't know if I've mentioned this but, I'm not really a mall person. I'm also not one for shopping unless the store is interesting. I can spend hours in a book store or a craft store, even a fabric store. Dress and clothing stores are so boring!

I don't feel well. I feel woozy. I'm hoping it's just because I'm tired. I woke up feeling fine after 5 hours sleep, and got the kid to school. Maybe it's my ears. My inner ear issues make me feel dizzy sometimes. I'm going to nap and see how I feel later. I have things to get done today when the kids get off and I can't be woozy.

Nap time!

Thoughts Before Bed #21

Sims4 stuff is on sale again. I was so tempted to get two expansions and I ended up getting a stuff pack and a game pack. Outdoor Retreat and Romantic Garden. I probably shouldn't have but, I like the stuff it came with and yay, new decorations! During the NEXT sale, I'll get an expansion. I'm downloading tonight. I'll play some tomorrow.

I had a good day. Nothing exciting happened. It was relaxing. Tomorrow we're taking the dogs to get their nails done. I'm afraid to do it myself. I'd hate to hurt one of them by not knowing what I'm doing.

I found a new book to read, from the Lincoln Rhyme series. Those never disappoint me.

I'm going to get in bed and get some reading done. Good night Universe.

Thoughts Before Bed #20

I'm not sure what I want to read next. I have so many books I should read and get out of my To Be Read pile but I keep finding new ones I want to read too.

I had a good but tiring day. I'm heading to bed in a minute. I just wanted to cuddle my doggies first. They had a long day too.

Good night Universe

Book Review: Neil Gaiman - The Doll's House

• Listening to: Goo Goo Dolls
• Reading: *points at post below*
• Watching: Shameless US Season 5
• Playing: Sims 4 or Minecraft lately
• Eating: croissant with lemon curd mmmm
• Drinking: coffee (decaf of course)

I didn't write a review on this graphic novel. I just wasn't sure what to write because there are so many areas to cover that I could say something about. The novel was great. I loved the different story lines. I'm so glad there are 12 novels in the series. I'll get to #3 in awhile. I wanted to read something different first. Maybe a Lincoln Rhymes novel. I haven't read one of those in a year or two.

The Doll's House by Neil Gaiman

My rating: 5 of 5 stars






View all my reviews

Thoughts Before Bed #19

I had a good day. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Earlier, a friend asked me if I'm happier now that GG is back online and on more often. I didn't know how to answer her. I don't think I'm happier or less happy. I don't think I've been truly happy for a long time. I do love spending time with him. I love that I can talk about anything and everything, and he gets me. I just don't hang my happiness on anyone anymore. When you start to depend on someone for your happiness, they disappoint you and hurt you. I am glad he's around though.

I'm reading a comic set lately and it's really good. It's the 2nd part of the Sandman Series. After this I might find a light hearted book to read. I'll see.

I went to see my son earlier. He's doing well and was happy to see me. I'll go and see him again in a few days and buy him groceries.

It's 1:30am and I'm ready for bed. Good night Universe.

I woke up way too early, so I could get some last minute things done. I need a nap. *puts earplugs in and gets in bed*

Good Mood

I'm in a good mood. The house is almost done. Everything is clean, clutter free, smelling good, and there is so much space now. My sink is shiny, and my floor is too. My home feels homey. It wasn't bad or gross before. But when you're stressed out over other things, scrubbing the house helps a lot. I got out a lot of anxiety I was holding in, did a lot of thinking, danced around while cleaning, and, I feel pretty good.

I got to spend some time with GG earlier. I'm so glad he's still in my life after all we've been through and dealt with. I don't know if anything will ever come out of this friendship/relationship but I don't need it to. I'm happy that he's in my life and in my corner as I am his.

I have some great friends who are supportive, nurturing, loving and who understand why I am the way I am. My net momma, Icey, she checks on me every day, and asks how my anxiety is and such. She wants me to work things out with GG, but, I can't even think about that. If it happens, great. If not, I can't afford to get hurt again. So, we'll see.

I have a great net sister who comes to me when she's stressed out or hurting. She lets me baby her and stand up for her when she needs it. I love that I can be myself and it's appreciated. I have some good people in my life, and people I think of as family. I love it.

I don't know why I'm in such a great mood but, I am pretty sure it's because I worked so hard on this house and worked out my anger and sadness. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be depressed and missing people again but right now, I'm going to sip my Berry tea and enjoy the moment. Thank you Universe for my blessings :)

Writing Exercise

(This started as a poem but didn't quite make it. I'm not sure what it is but I'll add to it later. It sounded good in my head until it came out.)


Sometimes, I can feel you when I wake up. Feel your eyes on me, that smile on your face as you tell me "good morning".

I'll watch a show, and we'll be talking about it. You'll laugh at the funny parts and I laugh, happy that you're smiling. I wish you would have smiled more.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I was watching a show where two people were making love, and I thought of you. The way he looked at her... like the answers to every question he had, were in her eyes.

I know you're not there. You're gone. You're dead. But I can whisper on the wind and maybe my words will make it to your heart. 

Late Night Musings

I'm listening to the Ramones. It's making me remember 17 year old me. I wonder what happened to that girl.

I had a rough night. Family stuff. I need to just, get my hands on some Xanax, and get on a plane to where I need to be. Leave everything behind. I used to have that courage and desire for adventure. I loved road trips, train trips, packing a bag and going wherever. I miss that part of me. What would it take to be that free again?

Bathroom Cleaning... Fun Stuff

Today, I'm cleaning the bathroom/laundry room. It's pretty much always kept up but I had a few piles of laundry and a few other things going on. I needed to shake out the rugs, sweep and mop the floor, vacuum the baseboards, window sill and any cobwebs. I just need to polish the sink and it will look really nice.

I eventually need a new curtain in there. Right now, there's a sheet thrown over the curtain rod. I bought some curtains for it, and my mom told me she wanted to decorate it instead. She apparently doesn't like my taste. That was 2 years ago and she never got started so, fuck it. I'm doing what I want in there. I'm the one who uses the restroom and I'm the one who cleans the laundry room part of it.

Slowly, I'm taking over this house. I already have the kitchen the way I want it. Everything is in a logical place, and I have it in colors I like. I got rid of most of her cows and chickens she used around there. They're put away nicely. I'm going with the Italian Cafe' look. Deep colors. I wish I could paint in there but, it's not allowed. There are plenty of wall coverings though. Easy to remove decorations and things I can hang around. This place will be looking nice soon enough :)

Off to get the mopping done!

Dinner Again

Enchilada zucchini boats!

Ballad of Love and Hate

This song ... She's Love. He's Hate.


The Avett Brothers - The Ballad of Love and Hate
Love writes a letter and sends it to Hate
"My vacation's ending, I'm coming home late
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
And I can't wait to see you again"

Hate reads the letter and throws it away
"No one here cares if you go or you stay
I barely even noticed that you were away
I'll see you or I won't, whatever"

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes
And everyone knows it whenever she flies
And also when she comes down

Hate keeps his head up and walks through these streets
Every stranger and drifter, he greets
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
With a serious look on his face

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow
Carrying with her the good things we know
A reason to live and a reason to grow
To trust and to hold and to care

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car
Without much regard to the moon or the stars
Lazily killing the last of a jar
Of the strongest stuff you can drink

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives
As soon he sees her hope fills his eyes
But tears follow after at the end of the ride
Because he might never see her again

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive
He screams over the sidewalk and into the drive
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55
And the clock in the kitchen is slow
 
Love has been waiting patient and kind
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign
That the one that she cares for who's out of his mind
Will make it back safe to her arms

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor
He says, "Love, I'm sorry, " and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, whatever
I should not have been gone for so long
I'm yours and that's it, forever
Your mine and that's it, forever"

Dinner... Yum

Meatball subs *love*

Not Today (repost)

Some days, I'm strong. I'll feel powerful. I can do anything. And some days, I wake up, think about him, and still cry. Today is one of those days.

Down But Not Out

I called a few ISP's and, we can't use them because my mom refused to pay them the last time we had them. The things she does... I feel like I'm always going to be paying for the selfish stuff she does. *sighs*

Maybe this is a sign that I don't need the net anymore. I still have my hotspot, so I can watch movies and get on social media when I feel like it. I have a lot of DVD's and books so I won't be bored. I'll just miss the freedom of  being able to get on the computer and do anything I want. I'll miss multiplayer gaming. I'll miss talking to my friend til they fall asleep, on Skype. I won't miss Palace. I'm hardly on there these days.

I'm going to have to quit my job. I need a fast speed internet, and a constant stream to do this job. It involves a lot of uploading and downloading of files. It involves compiling data that can't be interrupted. It's too bad. This job was going to pay out really well. I'll have a talk with the boss tonight.

I'm going to figure this out. I've learned a lot in the past 8 months. I don't need anything or anyone but myself to get through these things. I don't need the net. It's just nice to have. I don't need my family to do things for me or be anything for me. Jett leaving taught me that I don't need him either. I can do this. I'm a smart, strong woman who can do anything I set my mind to. Now I just need to say that enough times to believe it! :x

1-31-18

I don't really have anything to say. The kids just left for school. I slept earlier but not enough, so I'll probably try to sleep again before my mom wakes up. I have a bunch of stuff to do today.

My net still sucks, so I'm going to find a new ISP. Adding that to my To Call list for the day. I really need to get back to work and I can't do it without a faster net service.

I've started a new book, because the one I had already started was really slow to get going. 

Think I'm going to get some more sleep. I'll add more to this post later. Good night Universe!

Getting By

My uncle is fine. He came through his surgery okay. Still praying for him, but I'm so relieved! We'll hear from my aunt tomorrow and get another update. She's been so strong through all of this.

The net repair guy is coming tomorrow so maybe I can get my net back to normal and get started on work again. I'm so behind! I have so many things I need to do, and tutorials I have to get through. I can't wait to get back to work. I also need to get working on some other things I'm working on and get the income flowing. I feel pretty good lately, and hopeful.

I decided to unblock the ex. I never felt right doing it, even if he did hurt me. I'm feeling pretty good about this decision, like I'm doing what my gut is telling me to, and that I'm right with the Universe. Anyway, just getting that bit off my chest.

I'm going to read my book and try to get a nap in before the repair guy gets here. Still fixing my sleep. I have some calls to make tomorrow too. We'll see how the day goes. Good night Universe.

My Uncle

My uncle had a heart attack this past week and we're just finding out about it. He didn't want us to worry about him. ...I'm worried.

He's been a health nut all of his life. Since I was a little girl, he's worked out and jogged. He used to enter body building competitions. He ran marathons. He won't eat fat, or processed foods. Now he's having surgery on his heart valves. It's crazy to me, and it makes me worry, about everyone. We don't have heart disease in the family.

My uncle, is the backbone of this family. He's always there for advice, haircuts, ice cream cones. He gives us hugs and kisses when we see him, and always tells us that he loves us. When I started dating Gar, I took him to meet my uncle, not my father.

My uncle does hair for a living. He's always done hair, and has a huge amount of people who go to him regularly because he's pleasant to be around. He volunteers at shelters and homeless centers, and gives people free haircuts so they can go job hunting, and feel good looking in the mirror.

My uncle is a great man. I know he'll be gone someday but, no one is ready for that yet. He'll be in my prayers.

-Family-

I got on palace earlier tonight. I knew my sis would be on and I wanted to spend some time with her. She makes me crazy but she's family. I can count on her, always, same as Icey.

I'm still not back on palace really. I pop on when I'm sipping coffee, or during cleaning breaks, but, it's not the same as it used to be. My genuine friends whisper me worried about why I've disappeared. One told me that he can tell I'm in pain, and going through some stuff. I'm sure it will pass though. I think I'm just depressed. I'll pull myself out of it. Like Des is always telling me, I'm a strong woman :)

I couldn't sleep. I had a lot on my mind. Heading to bed now. I'll be up before noon so I can sleep tonight. Good night Universe.

1-27 Random Thoughts (updated)

I've been feeling off the past few days. I'm going to take a nap, since I didn't get enough sleep, and then do the things I need to get done. I have a week to do them and I want to have it done before then.

I'll write more and update this post later.
----------------------
Later....
Well that didn't work out. I got a 45 min nap in and I still feel like hell. I had to pick a kid up from Saturday school and then drop her off somewhere else. So, I'm going to get one more nap in and hope to feel better. I know, it probably wrecked my sleep but, if I don't rest, I'll feel worse, and my blood sugar will shoot up. Not good. I'll sleep until the youngest gets home, and then I can sleep tonight. ...yeah, I'm sleepy babbling.

My song just came on my playlist... The one that still makes me cry.

"I had all and then most of you,
Some and now none of you...
Take me back to the night we met.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do,
Haunted by the ghost of you.
Oh, take me back to the night we met..."

 

Take me back to the night we met. I wish.

I'll update later, if I'm up for it.

Thoughts Before Bed #18

I don't really have anything to write. I cleaned the living room today but I'm not finished. I have a list of things I still need to do. It's all coming along nicely though :)

I watched some of The Americans on Amazon Prime. I'm really starting to like this show. It reminds me a lot of the political stuff that happened in the 80's that I was too young to understand. It's been interesting. It makes you think that, there are so many times we've almost been to war and not known about it. All of the behind the scenes political stuff that goes on that no one tells us about... It's interesting and alarming.
 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've been thinking about my goals and things I want to do. I found a list I used to keep years ago. You made goals in the 4 areas of your life. Your health, financial, personal goals, and social.

Under Health, I had listed: Lose 10 pounds. I should make that a goal again. 10 pounds isn't difficult. I've lost weight before. I also had listed under it, ways to do that. Walking regularly, cut out fast foods, the usual. I already eat well. I know what my problem is. I need to be working out. I need to walk, get back in shape and then work up to harder stuff... either weight training or eventually running. I need to do this. So, I'm going to make this my health goal. I think if I focus on losing weight, everything else will get better too. The diabetes and the cholesterol issue.

Under Financial, I had: Increase income by 10% monthly. That's a tough one, but doable I think. I just need to sit and get cracking on it. I'll start working on that when the house is done. I'll have time to pull stuff out and see what I can do about earning money.

I have a few things on these lists so I'll be trying to figure out how to incorporate them into my Bullet Journal planner.

I need sleep. My sleepy tea is kicking in. Good night Universe.

Thoughts Before Bed #17 - Decluttering/Dining Room

I was kind of worn out all day, but I did what I needed to do. I stayed up talking to a friend until really late last night. I was just having so much fun talking. We ended up falling asleep while yapping. I haven't done that in a long time.

Three hours later my mom wakes me up because my sister wanted to borrow the car. No idea why I had to wake up for that. It was so noisy that I stayed up and then went back to sleep. Now, it's 2:30am, and I'm sleepy, which is good.

I bought easy stuff for dinner so I could focus on other things and not wear myself out. We had hot dogs and mac and cheese. After dinner I started cleaning the dining room. It looks really nice. I'll mop the floors again before inspection but everything else is done in there.

I tossed out a bag of stuff I no longer want. I'm getting rid of clutter in each room. Any items that take up space that no one is using, gets tossed. I love watching everything get clean and clutter free! My mind feels more at ease, and I don't have to worry about my mom tripping over anything that lands on the floor because of the cat. My mom's eyesight is really bad and sometimes she can't see things on the floor. She's already almost tripped over things the cat knocked off of the counter. I really wish the cat would stay off of there. Dogs are so much easier!

I'm going to try to get back into this book I haven't finished. It shouldn't take me a month to read a book. I get so into my crossword puzzles and Bullet Journal stuff that I put reading to the side. I need to quit doing that.

I'm going to get in bed and close my eyes... see if I can fall asleep. Good night Universe.

So...not...worth...it...

1-21-18: Updated

 My arms are sore from scrubbing cabinets. I think after all of this cleaning I'm going to start working out again. May as well keep using these muscles.

Later....
GG got online for a bit. I was glad to see him. I've been missing him. He's one of the most positive people I know, and lately, I need more positive people around me.

MFP is going to buy a counter-top dishwasher. I didn't know they existed, and they sound so nice. I know... I'm fine hand washing dishes. But wouldn't it be nice to have one to put the dinner dishes in, and not have to worry about them at the end of the day? The dishwasher is not even expensive. Maybe I'll save up for one, or wait and see if my next place has one. 

I'm sleepy and I'm cold, brrr. I'm going to get in bed and do some crossword puzzles until I fall asleep. I hope my arms aren't sore when I wake up. I still have the floors in the kitchen to scrub, and I have errands to run. I'm liking these busy days.

Good night Universe.

Over It... FINALLY

I had a really productive day. I got so much done. The kitchen is almost done except for the upper cabinets and floors. I'm tossing out stuff we haven't really used in awhile. I want that kitchen to be spotless and efficient.

I had some words for my ex earlier after he did something that hurt me. I don't need to talk about it though. I'm over it, and, I'm done.

It's late and I'm going to do some meditation before bed. Good night Universe.

*tries not to cry* Come on chick, you're stronger than this....

Random Post

We're having inspection in 2 weeks. Good thing I've already been deep cleaning the place. I'm still stressing on it but I can do this. The bathroom, dining room and living room are pretty much done. I'll work on the kitchen and other things. I've got this!

Pain (updated)

I was right. He left again. I don't know why it kills me every time. Shouldn't it not hurt anymore? Why the fuck am I sitting here crying over someone who can't and doesn't even respond to me. WHY?!

Update:
I'm fine. I'll be okay. I'm a strong woman. Stronger than he ever gave me credit for. I'm going to try to get some sleep and keep myself busy when I wake up. That's how I've been dealing with things. Keeping busy.

I don't care that it's almost been a year and I'm still hurting. I can handle this. I can do anything I set my mind to, even this. So, I wish him well, and I wish him the best.

Thoughts Before Bed #16

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I have things on my mind. Good and bad things. I'll try to focus on the good. I was brainstorming a baby quilt for my nephew's baby that's on the way in April. My grandmother used to make these amazing quilts for all of the babies and I want to do something like that for this little guy. I'm going to start looking into fabric prices and embroidery patterns and such. We'll see how it goes. I hope I can do this. *nervous*

I woke up and saw that my ex added me to FB again. I have a feeling that something's wrong or he needs me, but, since he isn't speaking to me or replying to me, I don't have a clue. Maybe he just wants to know how I'm doing, even if he doesn't want me in his life. He confuses me. I think what bothers me is, I don't want him to go, but, he always does. I just have to be prepared for it, again.

I made a delicious dinner tonight. I made ribs with baked beans and broccoli coleslaw. It was so good and there's a bunch left over for lunch tomorrow. I've been cooking a lot more. Now that I'm in charge of the finances, we're not doing fast food hardly at all anymore. I have some meals planned for the rest of the week too.

I'm dozing and it's really late so, bedtime. Good night Universe.

Dinner mmmm

Love This!

My middle kid bought me this when she was at the mall. I love it! I've been wanting one of these for awhile. It was really thoughtful of her to get this for me :)

Reading Challenge

I decided to do this year's PopSugar's Reading Challenge again. I joined a group on Goodreads for it last year but it was such a bad year and I couldn't focus on anything. Things still suck but, I need to start pushing all of that to the side and focus on myself for awhile. I need to start doing the things that I love. Reading is one of them.

I think I'm starting the new year pretty well. I've been doing more creative things. I'm more organized. I'm focused on work, even if we're still starting out. I'm online less unless I'm gaming or visiting friends. I sleep longer, and better. I feel pretty positive. Only one thing would make this year better but, I'm patient. 2018 is a great year :D

This is this year's reading challenge from PopSugar:

I Believe

Sometimes I think I'm the worst kind of fool of all. A fool who still believes in hope, and love, and soulmates, and forever.  I believe that if people are meant to be together, they'll find each other.

I can't help it. I believe in love.

Dreaming

I had a weird dream about my ex. My son was staying with him for some reason for a week or two. He was out of town for the day, fishing, so I went to pick my son up. His house was my grandparent's house, but it was slightly different. It had his things in it, his pictures on the walls and so on.

Some of his family showed up. They all lived close and were walking by wondering whose car was in the driveway. They were really nice. They invited us to where they were going but I told them we had to get on the road before it got dark. They left food with us though. I think it was meant for my ex but they could bring him more later.

I'm standing in the kitchen eating, looking around at his Pizza Guy kitchen thinking "This is exactly how I thought it would look" and suddenly I panicked. I put the food in the fridge and told my son to hurry and get his stuff together. That we had to go. I didn't want to see him. I think I knew it would hurt me. That I'd see him and miss him or something, and he had already moved on.

I grabbed his stuff, my purse, oh and my middle sister was with me. She came for the ride. I get my son out of the door and he says "D____'s here." I was really nervous, and scared, and wish I had left before he got there. We gave each other a hug, and I tried to tell him in sign that I really appreciate his taking care of my son, and stuff. I was so awkward and worried. I think I was worried that he would be angry at me for being there.

He looked exactly like I thought he would "in real". His son was there too, and he hugged me. He said it was fun having my son there. I went to put my son's stuff in the car and they all went into the house through the kitchen, like my grandfather used to in that house. I couldn't tell if he was angry at me for being there or not. He was really quiet, but nice, and polite.

I was dealing with feelings that I knew would come up if I saw him. I walk into the kitchen, he's there. I still can't tell if he's okay with my being there. His son and my son are telling my sister the stuff that they did during the week, gaming etc. He's still leaning against the sink. While I'm dealing with not being sure if I should say something to him, I wake up.

*****************

That is the first dream in months that I can remember when I wake up. More things happened in the dream, little things. My signing was really nervous and awkward. That's probably my mind telling me that I need to practice more with the basics because I don't feel confident with it. Anyway, it was nice seeing him.

New Goal: Watch More Movies

I finally watched the second Thor movie. I've been meaning to watch all of the Marvel Universe movies but I was putting it off. That's one of my goals. Watch more movies. I was going through a list of movies I could watch, and Deadpool was on top. I still won't watch that. Not by myself. I don't know if I'll ever watch it now. We'll see.

I made an amazing Abondigas soup for dinner. That's a Mexican meatball soup. It turned out so good that there are no leftovers. Everyone had seconds.

I don't know why I'm not asleep. I woke up at 7am. I'm going to straighten up some and then get in bed with my crossword puzzles. Good night Universe :)

Quick Survey

Saw this on FB and thought I'd do it here.

A- Age - 46
B- Biggest Fear: - that I'll panic to death
C- Current Time: 10:09am
D- Drink you last had: Starbucks decaff Americano with cinnamon
E- Easiest Person To Talk to: Kim
F- Favorite Song: Too many to name but I'm sure it's by Tim McGraw
G- Grossest memory: I can't think of anything. I probably blocked it from my mind.
H- Hometown: It's in Cali (too private, sorry)
I- In love with: my soulmate :)
J- Jealous of: people who don't have panic attacks
K- Killed Someone? sure, IN GAME
L- Last person you talked to : Facey's mom
M- Middle Name: Too personal, sorry
N- Number of Siblings: 6 that I know of, and a few that I don't
O- One Wish: that I didn't make stupid decisions hoping they would turn out differently
P- Person who you last called: Nephew
Q- Question you're always asked: Are you awake?
R- Reason to smile: my doggies
S- Song last sang: Kiss Me. it was on the radio in the car
T- Time you woke up: 7:15am
U- Underwear Color: pink
V- Vacation Destination: anywhere but here
W- Worst Habit: eating sweets
X- Xrays you've had: chest x-rays, my pinky, ankle
Y- Your favorite food: cow tongue tacos
Z- Zodiac Sign: Gemini

Everything Comes Back To You

Some days, I wish I could forget the past. Forget where I left my heart. Forget anything that ever pissed me off or built up resentment towards anybody. I sometimes wish I could wake up, and start over. I wish I would quit hurting. I wish I could snap my fingers and forget, even just for a little while. And sometimes, I wish I could simply say, "I'm sorry", and fix everything.

This is the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn.

Niall Horan - Everything Comes Back To You

If the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you
Drive highways and byways to be there with you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
You still make me nervous when you walk in the room
Them butterflies they come alive when I'm next to you
Over and over the only truth
Everything comes back to you
Everything comes back to you

 

 

Thoughts Before Bed #15

I fell asleep awhile ago, and then woke up with a leg cramp :( I hate those things. I'll go back to bed in a minute.

Earlier I watched Serenity. It's a follow up movie to the TV show, Firefly. I thought it was pretty good.

Jett messaged me the other night, and on New Years. He sounds like he's doing well. I try not to message him. I'm afraid I'll say something that will make him angry or make us fight. I'm tired of the fighting. I hope he doesn't think I don't care. I do. I don't want to cause him any stress.

I had a long day. I don't have any plans tomorrow. I think I'll make a quiche for breakfast when I wake up again. Good night Universe :)

Old Tape Deck

Our "new" car is so old that it only plays tapes. I found this tape that I used to love and I'm listening it to it now. Such good songs. I wish he were still making music. 

"I've been trying to get over you
I've been spending time alone
I've been trying to get over you
It'll take dying to get it done"

That sounds about right...

"Don't let our love start slipping away"

"I still believe in you
With a love that will always be
Standing so strong and true
Baby, I still believe in you and me"

I do.... Good stuff. 

Heard This on YouTube

Taylor Swift - Last Kiss
I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
Away

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

 

Thoughts Before Bed #14

I had a nice day, and night. GG got on. I haven't seen him in awhile so it was good to catch up. I told him what's been going on around my place lately. He's been really busy and focused on work and stuff. I'm glad he's still in my life :)

I made a really good dinner. I made veggie ramen with potstickers. It was so good. The family finished everything, so I knew it was a hit. I'm going to add that to my menu planner.

I'm beyond tired so I'm going to bed. I have so much to do tomorrow before Monday. Good night Universe!

Thoughts Before Bed #13

I was almost asleep and I remembered, I didn't write.

My mom went for her MRI this morning. Now we just have to wait for the results. I'm trying not to worry too much about it until then.

Afterwards, I took my mom to Starbucks for coffee and she seemed so confused. I had to wait longer for my decaff Americano so she went to the car with her coffee. When I got to the car.... she was pouring cream into her cup and didn't even notice that it was spilling into the drink holder. I had to clean it up for her and she was getting frustrated. I think she freaked herself out that she had done that. It was sad.

I took a nap, then went out to take the middle kid to the mall, and grab lunch. It was a busy day. I'm so sleepy. I'll write more tomorrow maybe. I did want to post my bullet journal. I want to be able to watch it progress. Oh, and the net guy is coming tomorrow. I need to sleep. Good night Universe!

Thoughts Before Bed #12

I'm sipping my sleepy tea. I have my book and crosswords. I used my lavender lotion that's supposed to help me sleep. I feel cozy :)

Hmm, what did I do today... My mom had some more blood work this morning so we took care of that. Tomorrow she has an MRI, to scan her brain for Alzheimers. I'm trying not to worry about that too much until they tell me something.

I started working on sims I might want to play with. I'm not doing self-sims this time. That only reminds me that Jett isn't around. I'll stick to randomized and upgraded sims. Oh! I bought Vamps last night, before the sale was over. I can't wait to play around with that! I need to remember the name of the cheat stuff. I don't remember what it is called, and I lost the links I had for them. The only thing I liked really was the one that made the happiness levels go up, and whatever made learning go faster. Maybe I'll just play it vanilla.

I did a lot today but I can't think of anything I really want to write about. We had IHOP for breakfast. I haven't been there in so long. Once, I was there with my grandmother and the waitress dropped a plate of food on me. I had forgotten about that until now.

We did some thrift store shopping. I bought an electric kettle for $5 that's brand new and worth $30. Good deal :) I didn't buy any books. I have enough that I need to catch up on. I told myself that I won't buy any more books unless I run out of books I already have. I am allowed to read library books and free Kindle/Nook books though. I need to save money! I have plans!

I did some house cleaning, and scrubbed the inside of the fridge some. I'll do more tomorrow of course. More happened today but I guess it wasn't that important.

 I'm going to get under the covers with this book. Good night Universe!

Good Stuff

My kids are on a diet for their New Year's resolution. I'm so glad! I can get on my diet again and they won't mess it up with junk food.

Tonight we're having fish and brussle sprouts. Yum! I'll be getting my exercise by scrubbing walls and cabinets. So far it's a good week.

Thoughts Before Bed #11

I ended the night chatting with some "family" that I had missed. My online Mom and Dad. I told them some of what's going on in my life and listened to their advice. They get it. They've been where I am.

I feel I can deal with this situation now. I can be patient, and wait, while doing what I need to do. I'm in this for the long haul so, what else can I do but wait? :)

Thoughts Before Bed #10

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day and I have to be up at 7am. My mom has an appointment for blood work. After that, the middle kid has an appointment. Then, after that, I go and visit my kid. That will be great. I miss him :D

I'm feeling better today, not so down. I have a good reason why but I'm going to head to bed instead and keep it a secret :) Good night Universe.