Catching Up

I'm around. The kids and the holidays have been keeping me busy. Well I, personally, am not doing much as far as holidays go. I've been mostly helping the kids with their activities and events. This weekend will be a nice break. The nephew is leaving town for a week, on a birthday vacation with his girlfriend's family. Not my decision but, my mom is the one raising him... I hope he has fun, but not too much fun!

My middle niece, she's going out of town too with her Big and some friends. She's been industrious lately. She's attempting to make her first quilt! I'm excited. She's doing it all by hand too. I'm sure it will turn out great! She's doing it in Christmas colors. She's made a few mistakes but I told her, this is her first one. It won't be perfect. Until this project, she's only made bean bags and small things like that. I'm hoping she makes more, or attempts a twin sized one. Maybe I'll start looking into easy patterns and fabric ideas.

The youngest is her usual, social-butterfly self this month. She's been singing holiday songs and watching movies. She loves the holidays. I'm glad someone has some enthusiasm.

During my down time, I do my WoW holiday stuff. I wish Jett could do it, since he's never done it or seen it but, he's been so busy. He works right now, and, he's working himself really hard. I've been having fun with it. I've also been gearing up my main toon again, so I'm not too far behind. It's been okay. I just wish I had someone to play with. That's usually my issue. It's boring soloing everything.

I did get to play some Heroes of the Storm with Facey :D That's always fun. I'm such a baddie though, so it was more, me trying to say alive while keeping him alive. I'm lvl 9. Maybe I'll get better :P

Anyway, I was just checking in. I'll try to write more later. I do have Second Life news too. I'll share that later. Until then... :D

I'm Not Even Sure What Goes Here

For the past week or so, my anxiety and panic has been really hard to handle. I'm not sure why but I just keep telling myself that it will pass and things will be fine again. Nothing is permanent.

I told a friend, last February that I would have a job by this coming February. I can't even drive down the street without being anxious. The anxiety has limited my world and my life. I don't want to live like this or be like this. I need to do something. I have to, but I'm really feeling very discouraged.

Every time I'm doing well, the panic comes back and kicks me back down. I was doing so well for awhile. Driving out of town, job hunting, able to keep up with everything and everyone. Then out of nowhere, I got a panic attack that was so bad, I ended up in the ER and I was afraid to do anything and everything.

When that happens, it affects everything, especially my self-esteem. I feel useless and worthless when I can't do the things I want to do. That in turn, makes me feel unlovable. Like, I'd be a waste of time for someone to love because, I have nothing to offer. My panic and anxiety are part of a long, deep cycle of hopelessness and, worthless feelings combined with small moments of hope and acceptance.

I was so tired last night that I went to sleep right away, but woke up three times in the middle of a panic attack. The first time, my heart was pounding and racing so hard. I thought I was going to die. Facey was awake so I messaged him and he got on Skype and helped me to calm down. Finally I fell asleep again. The second time, I just told myself that it hasn't killed me yet and I was able to go back to sleep. The third time, I woke up, told Facey it was happening again, and, then I noticed I had gotten a text.

Jett had decided to let the net and his cell go... I asked him why and said that we should talk and he never replied. Then it dawned on me. He was letting go of the only two ways he has of keeping in touch with me. So many things came to mind. So many thoughts and feelings. So I told him of my realization, and that I'm going to leave him alone. Blah, my eyes are tearing up just thinking about it.

I like having him in my life. We used to laugh and talk so much. When he told me how much he cared about me, and what he was feeling, I thought it was great because he hadn't let anyone in in such a long time, until then. I felt fortunate, and happy that someone I thought of as one of my best friends, cared about me that way.

I think too much has happened and he was finally just done with it and me. This is tearing me up but, what can I do? I sent him some messages telling him how I felt, and that I will leave him alone, now that I know where I stand. I wish he could be happy, and at peace. I want so much for him.

At the same time, here's me with my panic attacks and, in the back of my mind, I think he's better off. What if I never get better? What if THIS is all I'll ever be? He deserves someone in his life who can be and do more. So I'll cry this out, and then... I don't know. Panic some more I guess?

Where's the Glue?

I woke up to a text and, a sad realization :( I feel like I'm the only one fighting to hold things together. I'm not sure if that means I'm supposed to just let things go or fight harder. I can't do this by myself.

Thrift Store Find

I always see something crazy or funny at thrift stores. This one takes the cake. Cake! Get it? Yeah.....I'm a dork :P

I Complain Too Much

Trying to maintain a bright, and cheerful outlook while it feels like everything is falling apart. *sighs* I feel like I'm going through everything by myself. I shouldn't feel like this.

That Noise That a Whistling Teakettle Makes...

I just want to turn all of the lights out, crawl into bed and cry until I can't anymore. I hate when I feel like this. I wish I could be one of those people who doesn't feel anything, or who can treat everything like it's casual. Like it doesn't matter.

At the same time, I embrace the fact that I feel so much. I think it makes me more intuitive, compassionate. I don't want to lose that. I'm just tired of hurting.

WoW'ing

I've been playing WoW again. It's been fun. I made three fresh toons, and I'm playing with Jett, someone who has never played before. I'm learning to love the game all over again. It's reminding me of the brand new WoW experience when I first started playing. Having to learn everything and seeing all of the cool stuff with someone else's eyes. It really is a great game.

I made a hunter, a lock and a druid. We went with Balance druids. I let him pick. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it though. The whole lunar/solar thing is kind of confusing. I'm not even sure why it does that. Guess it's good to figure out though.

I'm talking to Izz right now, catching up and stuff. I love Saturdays.

My heart hurts.

Crazy...

I loved this book. I need to read it again.

No Air

Jordan Sparks - No Air
If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

 

The First Man in My Life - My Dad

They say, that when looking for a mate, you subconsciously search out someone just like your father. I sometimes wonder about that. My father, he was a Capricorn. He had a pewter beer mug with a big Capricorn symbol on it that he would keep in the freezer. When he came home and poured his beer, it would be ice cold. I loved that mug. My mom threw it out after he left.

My father was an interesting Dad. I never knew whether he loved me or not, but I knew that he did whatever it was a dad was supposed to do. He worked. He yelled. He taught me things. He fought with my mom. He was The Dad. I had a healthy fear of him. Before I'd think about misbehaving, I'd always think, "My dad is going to kill me...". Figure of speech of course but it kept me out of trouble.

He worked a LOT. I know now that he worked so much to get away from my mother. I get it. That's how I felt about school. School was my refuge. I went there to get away from my family. School was where I could be myself, hang with people who were supportive, like-minded. I needed that. (I still need that. That's what the net is, to me.)

My Dad was very non-communicative, and distant emotionally. I thought that's how dads/men were too, until I noticed that it was just my Dad. He never really said anything nice to me that I can remember. He instructed me. He made sure I knew how to do things. It was strange to me that a man who couldn't tell me anything positive, like "good job", or "I saw you got an A on your paper", could still teach me things that I still hold dear.

He painted and tried to teach me how to paint. He tried to teach me how to use a bo staff and spar with him, so he'd have someone to whack with a stick. That was fun :) He taught me how to flip boys over when I was 5, so I could take care of myself. He taught me to appreciate food from all over the world. He studied languages, and any country he was studying, we had to eat their food on his days off work. Couscous and lamb does not taste good to a picky 9 year old, but I love it now.

My father... The only hug I ever remember getting from him, was the one he gave me on the day he moved out. He put his suitcase on the floor, hugged me and said, "This is nice for a change". I didn't feel bad when he left. I didn't ask him not to go. I had already done my praying that he wouldn't leave, years before, the first time he didn't come home.

He texts me on my birthday now, and I text him on Father's Day. I consider that a blessing.

Those Magic Tricks

I always feel so let down and disappointed when I find out that something in my life, that I count on, isn't how I think it is. It's like suddenly finding out that the world you think you live in, is some place entirely different. It leaves you feeling lost, confused, and wondering what happened. What went wrong. Was I just seeing things the way I wanted to see them? How did I not see this?

It's sad to me when that happens. I started crying because I felt like, everything was now different, and there's no going back. Some things can't be unsaid or unknown.

So, now I know. Now... I don't know what to do, because nothing was as it seemed.

Choose Wisely

I saw this article on FB and traced it to the source. I just thought I'd share. Choose Her Every Day.:

 

I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.
Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.
As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.
I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.
She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.
I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.
It’s torture for everyone.
If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:

“Why am I choosing my partner today?”

If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”
If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.
Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.
You do, too.

Choose wisely.

Checking In

I had a pretty good day yesterday. The only ones who gave me grief were my relatives, and them I can tune out if I have to.

I can't play Heroes Charge on my cell anymore because the game is now around 400mb huge! Why is a cell phone game that big?! WTF!

I slept too long. I turned my alarm off before bed and ended up sleeping 9 hours. I normally wouldn't complain but I was doing so well waking up at 9. I can't be waking up at 1pm.

Faith

I had a long talk with Facey tonight, about mine and Jett's relationship. I told him all of the stuff I've done that has made Jett upset. I told him all of the things I've said in anger, the things I didn't think would be upsetting but were. I trust Facey and I know he'd be honest and tell me the truth, even if I didn't want to hear it.

I no longer feel like crying. My chest no longer hurts. I can breathe... for now. The more I think about how things are, the more it hurts. I'm losing Jett. I've lost Jett. I don't think there's anything I can do unless I were there.

Everyone left the house for awhile and I got on Palace. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I played Yahtzee by myself on hide. I won...

Think I'll get on SL after dinner and start building that shop/house I wanted to make for us.

Dreams

I had a dream that I got on Palace on Sunday, and, he was sitting with Angel and my tag was off.  I kept mine on. As much as it tore me apart, I kept it on, alone, and finished the Yahtzee tournament. Then I deleted Palace for good, because without him, I didn't want to be there. It wasn't a long dream, but, that feeling... I woke up with it, and it won't go away :(

James 3:5

I'm very slow to anger. I get that from being told as a child, to calm down, and be patient. My family didn't mean to teach me to stay calm. They just didn't want me to speak up for myself, or express myself because they really didn't have much time to deal with it.

I grew up thinking I needed to hold it all in, only that backfired and turned into my original panic attacks. All of that anger, fury, rage just boiled up and exploded all over. Looking back, it was actually kind of awesome.

Now, when I start to feel myself get angry, I try to handle all that I can until I just... can't. I take the time and space to cool down because, I am a word person, and I have a quick tongue. I will say things I don't mean because if someone's going to hurt me, I'm going to fight back. What makes it so hard is, I really don't want to hurt anyone. I'm usually just hurt, frustrated, feeling misunderstood.

Tonight, someone I love said something that just, angered me so much. I felt they were being unfair. Then to make it worse, he said things on purpose that he knew would hurt me. I know he did it because he was feeling hurt himself, but some things, you really just don't say. Some things, once they come out of your mouth/texts, you can't unsay. You can't take it back. That's why I watch my words. Words are powerful.

I'm going to eat this dinner that I no longer have an appetite for. Then, I'm going to lay in bed and try not to think. I'm tired of thinking.

found on Pinterest

Love This

http://thoughtcatalog.com/harnidh-kaur/2014/05/i-want-you-to-take-me-for-granted/ 

I saw this article on my Stumbleupon app and wanted to share and also read later. Good stuff.

Dancing in my Head

This is the song that has been playing in my head since I woke up. This version, not Cat Stevens.

Maxi Priest - Wild World

Don't go, don't go
Please stay

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you want to start something new
And it's breaking my heart you're leaving
Baby I'm grieving

But if you want to leave take good care
Hope you find a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh baby baby it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile girl
Oh baby baby it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
Because I never want to see you sad girl
Don't be a bad girl

But if you want to leave take good care
Hope you find a lot of nice friends out there
Just remember there's a lot of bad air, beware

 

Oh baby baby it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile girl
Oh baby baby it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child girl

 

Just Saying...

resentment

[ri-zent-muh nt]

noun

1. the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

 

"When you do something or make a decision based on pleasing somebody else. The important factor is that the direction you took (the action or decision) was taken only to satisfy the other person and not something you would have normally chosen to do. Regret surfaces and you secretly hold it against that person. You may or may not take it out on them, but it does eat you up inside." 

 

 

 

Resentment is a waste of energy. Resenting people, situations, why waste the anger and the time? Why put yourself in a position to become resentful? I don't get it. 

Untitled...

Tonight, I made Jett upset without meaning to. I sometimes forget that just because certain things don't bother me, it doesn't mean it won't bother him.  I said something without thinking and hurt him, again. Sometimes, I wonder if he's not better off without me in his life. He means a lot to me, and I'm not ashamed to say that I need him in my life. I can't be selfish though. It would be different if he unintentionally got hurt every now and then, but I feel like I hurt him all the time.
I want good things for him. I want him to have people in his life who love him, and care about him. I want him to have people in his life that he can count on. I want him to be happy. To feel genuine happiness.

I don't know what to do right now.
==========================
My day was good. For the first time in a week, I didn't wake up anxious, and I slept well. I went to a meat market and bought some fish and other stuff for dinner. I went to the beach for awhile, just to soak in the view and refresh my spirit some. I was going to take pictures but, I left my cell in the car and I knew if I went to the car, my mom would want to leave. I had a huge burrito for lunch. I got some things done while I was out. I went to see my youngest sister and she seemed happy. That's always good. I had a really good day.

I'm not tired but, I think I'm just going to shut everything off, lay down, and think. Or try not to.

Woke Up to The Final Countdown Playing in My Head

My son just called and he's being moved today to a different group home. The problem is, we've dealt with the owner of this group home before. He's not a great guy. He threatens the tenants. The last place was infested with bedbugs. They don't provide meals, just a bed for way too much money. The clinician said this is temporary and I hope he means it. I hope he doesn't drop the ball and continues to keep looking for another placement. I'm really going to try not to worry about this. If I'm an anxious mess, I'm no good to my son.

On a positive note, and counting my blessings, I woke up without any anxiety. I slept well, and long. Today isn't extremely hot like it has been all weekend. My dogs are behaving. I have the energy to clean house. My boyfriend told me that he loves me, which though I know, is always nice to hear. Oh, and I went through a rough past few days of PMS without killing anyone. I don't care if it's TMI. I think that's a blessing :P

I'm going to find something to eat, make some tea, and get some stuff done around the house.

Need Sleep...

I woke up, after just a few hours sleep, in a panic. I'm so tired that I keep closing my eyes. Then when I think I'm going to fall asleep, the adrenaline starts again and my heart starts racing. I've been really anxious lately. I jump at noises. I imagine these scary things happening. I know it's just anxiety. I know it's just built up stress. But while it's happening, you're not really thinking...

I'm going to try to go back to sleep. If I can't, I'll come write a bit more.

All You Need Is Love.... and Lots of Prayer

I keep waking up anxious. It stopped for a few months so I'm not sure what this is about. I am more stressed lately. So much going on with the kids.

My son has to find a new group home to live in. His time was up at the one he's in, plus he was missing group therapy because of his medication issues. So, we're back at square one. His clinician has been looking for a new group home for him, and so far has only found one possibility. This place sounds okay but, it's in a bad part of town. On a positive note, it's right across from a bus stop that would bring him here to visit on the weekends like he used to. I'm looking at the Pros and Cons here. Either way, if there are no other available spots, he's not going to have any options.

These kids, they've been through a lot in their lives. We thought they were doing fine because they seem like happy kids. They have social lives. They have projects. They get decent grades in school. But lately, emotional issues are coming up and, I'm not sure what to do about it besides the obvious. I guess I wish I could fix things for them, or take away any pain they have, and I can't. All I can do is let them know I'm here, provide resources they might need and pray.

I've been doing a lot of praying lately.

Hungry

When I'm stressed or have a lot on my mind, I don't eat. I no longer have an appetite. Which makes me think, I should actually be thin... since I'm stressed a LOT! But yeah that's not how it works.

When I'm finally calm, I'm starving. I can't wait to scarf down these noodles and veggies.

Me, Me...Me...?

I've been going to Jett with a lot of the things that are on my mind and, I think I need to quit doing that. He has enough on his plate. Sometimes, I think I complain to him because, I think of him as my hero. I have to remember, he has so many things going on too. I also thought it was an equal thing. I thought he came to me and I was able to help him too but, I seem to be falling short.

I used to be known for being a great listener. Have I lost that? Have I become so self-centered that I don't do that anymore? I need to learn to be more aware of this. 

I don't have a lot going on right now. It's all kids, pets, my mom, random problems, social issues. I don't have a lot to say about my present real life and, so I talk to him about this stuff. I shouldn't be. None of this still will make a difference five years from now. It's all stuff that will take care of itself if I let it.

The real stuff, the big stuff, I keep to myself.

When I was growing up, when I would go to someone with something important, I was told that it either didn't matter, or that they didn't care. I learned to keep the big stuff to myself. I learned that my problems weren't that important so I keep them inside. If they become to big to handle, I write them out.

I have a lot I need to think about and write out. I'm not sure if I'll write it here or in my actual journal but, either way, I'm not going anywhere.

I finally found this song with the English lyrics. It's in Spanish. I love this song...
Jesse & Joy - Le De Mala Suerte
"You come, you caress me, and you leave with the sun.
It hurts to only be your diversion, no.
You say that you love me, that there's nobody like me,
That I'm the owner of your heart.
But someone else is in your home.

No, nothing is wrong if love isn't perfect,
As long as it's honest,
And no, now to demand forgiveness, it's not right.
I can't share what wasn't given me.
I am not the owner of your heart.
I'm the one who's in the way in this home, no."

Random TV Stuff and Dozing

I finally saw the first episode of season 3 of Orange is the New Black. It was sad, funny, edgy, and a great watch. I missed this show. I should have watched it when it first came out. I'm glad I watched it tonight.

Last night was the first episode of the new season of American Horror Story. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's very dark. There's a rape scene in the first quarter of the show. The middle kid was watching it upstairs and I really wish she wasn't. 

I was supposed to be asleep two hours ago but, as tired as I am, I couldn't fall asleep. I'm ready now. I popped into BadBabes on Palace, and HJ is playing Train - Drops of Jupiter. At least something in my life is consistent :)

First Week of October

I've been having a lot of anxiety issues lately. I'm not sure why but I know my stress level has been high. Time to start working on it again.

It's October :D I love October. Cooler weather. Halloween. Oh!  I forgot, Halloween on Second Life! It's my favorite. So many Autumn/Halloween hunts, sales and events going on. I need to get in on that. On Palace, you have the Halloween tours, prop contests and so on. I love this time of year :)

Maybe I can work on a few projects and destress. I'll see how I feel, after I work on this anxiety.

Migraines and Sleepy Babbles

I have had the biggest migraine all night. I've tried everything to get rid of it so, I decided to just drink my Sleepytime tea, and get ready for bed. Maybe I can somehow sleep it off. Otherwise, life is good.

Nothing really new going on. I've been spending a lot of time with Jett and, it's been interesting. I love the guy. He's my favorite person on Palace right now. I just wish we didn't fight so much. I don't even know exactly what we fight about. Seems like a bunch of little things that come out of nowhere. I'll start being more aware of things. Maybe I can prevent some of the arguing.

I've been missing a few people lately. People I've recently lost. I'm fine though. I know that not everyone stays in your life. People will come and go. I just wish some would make repeat performances.

Enough sleep babble for me. Good night, Universe.

*sighs*

When you finally find something, someone, or a situation that makes you happy, you lose it. Like it never happened.
More lessons I guess.

Orly?

Hilarious!

Random Stuff

KJ and I are good friends again. I'm still not sure what his deal is but, it's all good. I like the way our friendship is now, and, he sort of opened my eyes to a few things. It's been interesting.

Facey and I are doing awesomely, though I wish I wasn't so distracted the past few days. I talk to him every day but I miss him so much.

It's been really hot lately. I can't wait til the Summer is over! Humidity sucks when you're already hot and there's no breeze.

I've been trying to fix my sleep since school started and it's not working. By the time I get to bed, the kids are waking up a few hours later and it interrupts my sleep. I end up staying up til their gone. This isn't working for me. Blah.

I'm going to sleep now and then visit my son later. I'll pay his rent and take him grocery shopping. I can't wait :D

Hmm what to make for dinner....

And The Band Played

Tonight, we went to a Chinese restaurant that's sort of a town monument. It's been there since way before I came along. I had never been in there before. It's changed hands several times during my life, and hidden in this little, weird spot in the middle of town. ...My mom had a coupon.

We parked in the back, walked into the door and suddenly, a band began to play! They have an in-house cover band that plays while you eat. They were pretty good, and if I had been there with anyone besides my mother, I might have really enjoyed it. I really need some local friends.

Dinner was really good. The atmosphere was nice. I just finished the leftovers a bit ago. I had a nice night :)

The rest of the night was the usual. I got on Palace, chatted with friends, disappointed JA... I wish I didn't but, I don't know what to do. I'll talk to Facey about it later.

I found another show to watch on Netflix and, I'm going to relax and watch until I fall asleep.

Quick WoW Entry

I played some WoW with another Palace friend. She hasn't played WoW in awhile. We made fresh toons on the Allie side and got them to lvl 10. I had a lot of fun. Another friend updated WoW too so, Yay! Two more people to play with! Those two are on a PvP server. All three of us are druids. *rawr* Not sure if we should make a guild or find an active one. We'll discuss it tomorrow.

I had a lot of weird discussions last night. I think I'm done with weird discussions.

I Think I Love You Better Now

Today was a good day. I got some stuff done around the house that needed doing for awhile. I feel like I'm still recuperating from the kid's Summer break. The house is messy, cluttered, etc etc. I'll have it sorted out soon enough. I got some errands done and ran all over town, and the next town over. It was nice because, lately I've been a hermit. I just need to get back into my groove again.

My son is going through a living transition in a month and I need to figure out what to do about that. I'm not sure what the situation is and I need to call his case worker and sort things out. Adding that to my list for tomorrow.

I got to talk to Facey about some really important stuff. I'll talk to him some more when we're both awake. I think we have everything worked out but, I want to make sure.

I got to spend some time with KJ earlier :) I brought up something that I felt weird talking about but was very important. Something was brought to my attention recently by three different people and, I felt the need to bring it up to him. We got things sorted, and things are fine. I also got to learn a few more things about him which is always great. It shed some light on a few things too. Bonus.

Earlier, I had an odd surprise. A chick I haven't seen in awhile (for a good reason) sought me out to ask me about a few things about her boyfriend. She's feeling insecure, doubtful and alarmed and, I guess wanted to know something about my personal experiences with him. I was also sworn to secrecy so we both agreed that if asked, we haven't spoken. I'm surprised she came to me, and surprised she trusts me. From what I was hearing, she was saying things about me that weren't true. And I'm pretty sure she got those falsehoods from her boyfriend.

I didn't tell her anything private. I listened to her. I understood where she was coming from and why she'd think the things she does. She's heard things. I told her that I couldn't confirm or deny anything because it's not my place. I told her to be aware, keep her eyes open, and go with her gut. I also told her to talk to him but, she doesn't believe some of the things he says. Can't say I blame her. I'm sure she'll be okay.

It's way later than I thought it was. I'm going to sleep and then do it all over again tomorrow. Good night, Universe!

This vid is a cover for the song by Ed Sheeran. I love this version. I mean, listen to it!

Ed Sheeran - Lego House
I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a Lego house
If things go wrong we can knock it down
My three words have two meanings but there's one thing on my mind
It's all for you
And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm
If you're broken I will mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on, now
I'm out of touch, I'm out of love
I'll pick you up when you're getting down
And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now
I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind
I'll do it all for you in time
And out of all these things I've done, I think I love you better now, now
I'm gonna paint you by numbers and color you in
If things go right we can frame it and put you on a wall
And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before
Now I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours

Don't hold me down, I think the braces are breaking and it's more than I can tak

HJ Conquers WoW: The Beginning Years

I had fun last night. HJ asked me to help him learn how to play WoW, so I created a toon to play with him. Because he's entirely new, I didn't use any Heirlooms, potions, or give myself gold. I didn't even use my heirloom mount to get around. I went old school. We spent an hour and got to lvl 7 haha. It was still fun. I don't know if he'll keep playing after he hits 20 but, he can at least say he's tried it.

Thoughts

I really need to quit thinking so much about everything. If a friend doesn't get back to me, I wonder if they're burnt out on me. Why do I do this? Lack of self confidence? Is it a self esteem issue? Do I just think too much and make up shit to worry about?

I do the same with Facey. I question things when he doesn't give me a reason to, because I'm insecure....

Eureka! I think that's it. Now to figure out how to fix it.

What I Really Meant to Say...

I got to watch KJ play Gears of War on Twitch earlier :D He seemed sort of lost on it but, he figured things out. I gave the link to HJ and they were yapping at each other. Then I pestered KJ on KiK for a bit while he had dinner and stuff.

I watched a movie on Netflix with Facey called Enemy at the Gates. It had Ed Harris, Jude Law, Rachel Weisz and a few other people. It was based on a true story about a sniper during the war. I'm glad I watched it. It was really good.

I'm feeling sleepier earlier than usual, which is good. I'm going to try to sleep and see if I can hang with KJ earlier tomorrow. Good night, Universe.

Monday Morning Blues

I feel like I've lost something important. I don't know when I started feeling this way but I feel it so intensely right now, at this moment.

I'm not unhappy. I'm just not... happy. I'll talk to Facey about it later. He always gives me a better perspective on things. He's the best :)

Note to self: Do a Gratitude entry later.

Saw this and thought I'd share: 

Friday

I watched the first Percy Jackson movie. JA was telling me a week ago or so that he loves the movies and wanted to start reading the books. I've seen the first movie once before but with really loud children, so I thought I'd watch it again. I'll watch the second one tonight, maybe.

I haven't been playing WoW very much lately. HJ said he wants to play with me but I don't think he'll get into it. KJ wanted to play with me too but, he just got an invite to a CoD tournament and, needs to practice that instead. I think that's pretty awesome. He gets to compete in a tournament for a game he loves. He doesn't think he'll win but he wants to go meet people, make some connections. I think it's a great opportunity.

I'm in the Palace rumor mill again because I sit with male friends. It bugged me at first but, after talking to Facey about it, I know that the things people say don't really matter. These are people who don't care about me. They just watch other people and talk about what other people are doing... and that's all they do.

Tuesday

I don't have anything to report. I've played some WoW and got some dailies done. I have 3 days to make enough gold to pay for my account. I don't think I'll make it this time. I'm around 10k short lol.

I've been on Palace. I've made a few new friends. Jett, KJ, K and a few other random people. Izz is visiting Wray this week and I'm jealous :D I want to hang out with them too! They sent me a pic and, they're so cute! I'm glad they get to hang out for a bit. I love those two *nods*

I made hot wings and potstickers for dinner. Tomorrow, I have no idea what I'll make but, I'm sure I'll think of something. I'm leaning towards Sloppy Joes and a salad. We'll see.

That was Tuesday. I'm going to sleep again and see what Wednesday brings me. Good night, Universe :D

Monday

I made a good sized batch of pinto beans last night. My friend JA has me craving home made Mexican food lately. I cooked them in the slow cooker all day, then turned it off and.... fell asleep. They've been at room temperature for 8 hours so I'm going to have to toss them. That sucks. I was craving frijoles and eggs this morning.

I have a bag of broccoli. I think I'll make some broccoli omlettes instead. It's probably better for me anyway.

The kids have been in school for a week and, it's been nice. I've been getting things done in the day time instead of at night, and life is starting to feel more structured again. I've been meaning to write more but I've had nothing to really write about.

I started drawing in my smaller sketchbook. I'm not great at it but it has been relaxing. If I create something post-worthy, I'll share.

Annoying Stuff

I've been getting really weird phone calls and texts this week, from random men. I mentioned it to SKK and he said I need to check a site called BackPage. It's a classifieds site for escorts and other "devious" stuff. Sure enough, there's an ad there for a very hot, young blonde and her number is one off from mine. I've been getting calls by guys looking for a prostitute.....

Last night, one guy called and since the number was local'ish, I answered thinking it might be a relative. I told him he had the wrong number, gave him the correct number and hung up. He calls back saying that she was booked and asked what I was doing. I told him I'm not what he's looking for and hung up again. Then he keeps calling and even left a voice mail. He lives 45 minutes from me, and now knows my name, because I use it in my outgoing message.

It's kind of creeping me out. My kids use my phone and I don't want them answering it if one of these guys calls looking for a good time. Oh! The situation gets weirder.

I told a friend on Palace what's been going on, and linked him the ad. He found out that it's run by a sheriff and, it's a sting ad, to catch men looking for prostitutes. He thinks I should get my number changed and then call and tell them what's going on. I really don't want to change my number. My son, who has special needs, knows this number. My other kids know this number. I've had it for 5 years. Maybe I should call that number and tell them what's going on. I'm not sure.

Still...

This is still on the second page of my cell. I don't plan on deleting it.

More Than Words

I've been looking forward to my morning discussions with M lately. We talk about everything... God, relationships, food, human nature. He's very big-brotherly and, it's nice having a friend who looks out for me the way he does. This morning we discussed how some people are constantly negative and what it does to them. I can't imagine what that must feel like.

I have another friend I've been cool with recently. I've talked to him on Skype a few times. We talk about family stuff mostly, and my inability to speak Spanish. I can't roll my R's :( I've never been able to. EVER! I took Spanish in high school, twice, and because of the R issue, I was really self-conscious and didn't put in much effort. I don't know if I should bother. I mean Spanish feels natural to me but, I want to learn Korean too. I can't even say 'barbacoa' properly!

I'm going to head out to the thrift stores and see what I find. The youngest needs a fish bowl for a goldfish she won at the fair.

Not So Busy Day

The kids started school today. I had so much planned out for the day. Things I wanted to get done. I ended up sleeping through half of it.

I've never been one to let heinous, despicable people keep me down.

Surely...

snagged from Pinterest

 

 

 

Five! :)

*mumbles something about dogs always waking me up*

Last night, I got to talk to Facey on webcam for 5 hours :D I was really nervous beforehand but, I should have known I didn't have any need to be. He's the sweetest guy ever.

I love that I can talk to him forever about anything, and that when we're not talking, we're fine just smiling at each other once in awhile. With some people, it always made me panic when there were silent moments. With Facey, I don't get that way at all.

I'll write more later. Passing out again.

Watching this, made me happy :)

Losing Your Voice

I have no regrets except for those moments when I wasn't true to myself. Sometimes, I would hear what my gut was telling me, but I'd follow my heart or my head instead. Those are the only moments I'm sorry for.

I don't know what this is. It's not a poem. It's not a story. It's just, something from a dream I don't remember.

On the inside, is the part of you that sees EVERYTHING.
It sees the little things, and it sees the big things.
It won't just tell you what you want to hear.
It won't lie to you like your heart will.

You can think yourself into a corner, curl up into it and not move, ever.
Your mind could play tricks on you and make you think things that aren't true.
Your mind can get tired, and start to "know" things that that aren't real.

On the inside, is your true voice.
On the inside, in your gut, your core, is the part of you that remembers how to love you.
You've ignored it for so long that sometimes you can't hear it... But it's there.
Close your eyes and ask yourself, what is it that's wrong?
It's always better to know the truth.

I'm going to get back in bed and try to sleep some more. Good day, Universe

Need My Zzzz's

I spent most of the day with my son. We went shopping, and bought some things that he needed. He found some PSP games, and a few dvd's that he was looking for. I bought hot wing stuff for dinner. We did some other stuff around town but, I'm too sleepy to rehash. I'm going to get my pj's on, and find something to watch while I get sleepier. Good night, Universe.

Yahtzee!

I volunteered for a Yahtzee tournament tonight at S&L. It was a lot of fun. First I played Flappy and won that round. Then I played Hail. He won, twice. We were going for 2/3. He got Yahtzees. They were fun matches :)

I played while on Skype, Facey cheered me on :D He's the best.

Took a quick screen cap. I think I'll find something to watch now that the kids are upstairs.

Take Another Little Piece of My Heart Now, Baby

This should be my disclaimer. It always happens. I try to enjoy every relationship for however long they last, but when they end.... pieces of my heart always go with them.

I don't have many pieces left.

Found on Pinterest.

Those T-Rex's Though

I woke up after only TWO hours sleep in such a bad panic attack. I almost went to the ER. I had the craziest dream too. I was trying to bait and trap a crazy kid and his t-rex by running through these ruins. I'd go out, get his attention, then run through the ruins while trying to get him to run into a trap. I did it so many times, not wanting to give up. There were people around, towns people, and some were encouraging but they were mostly discouraging. I think I was constantly running because my heart was racing in actuality.

I woke up and my heart was racing so fast. I took my blood sugar and it was 216, which is really high. I know it's high because of my lack of sleep. I yelled up to my mother that I needed to go to the ER. Then I called Facey. He told me I could wake him if I needed him, and I did. He's really great at keeping me calmed down, and I knew he'd want to know how I was feeling.

By the time my mom was ready, my heart rate went down to somewhat normal and I was just exhausted. Two hours sleep.... I'm going to try to sleep again. I know I won't be able to. Kids, dogs, my mother, etc. Any sleep will help though, right?

Me Night

I had a pretty good day. I've been really missing MFP so I jumped on Digsby and he told me how to fix my Pidgin messenger. Then we spent all day catching up. I told him about what's been going on in my life for the past few months. I was actually kind of embarrassed by all of the BS that's been going on lately, and a few of the dumb mistakes I've made. I 'fessed up though, and feel tons better. MFP has always been my sounding board and a true friend. He has always told me the truth no matter what. I need to start surrounding myself with friends like him again.

I watched Pitch Perfect 2. I thought it was cute. The reviews weren't very good. Everyone was saying that the first one was better. I think they're equally great. There were a lot of funny moments. The music was good too. I'd watch it again.

Right now I'm watching Heartland. I haven't watched it much since G and I split up. It was part of our night ritual. I'd turn everything off but I'd watch it while he played games while talking to me on Skype. Then I'd play Heroes Charge with him when he was ready for bed.

Oh, I watched some Hart of Dixie too. Tonight was a quiet ME night. I enjoyed it :)

Sleepy Babbles

I went to bed at 11 last night, thinking I'd get a great night's sleep. Someone let the dog out of her crate at 4am and she woke me up by jumping into bed with me... I really need to get my own place.

Popped into the Palace I've been avoiding for a bit and... right away the whispers start. "I heard End blah blah blah". *sighs* I just tell them, "Really? Wow. I don't know about all that. We don't really speak right now." Then I go AFK. I know a lot of people say things because they want to feel important. Like they know something no one else knows, whether it's true or not.

I don't understand why they feel the need to tell me these things. Is it supposed to make me feel better? It doesn't. Are they fishing for information? They're not getting any from me. I've only talked to four people on Palace about all of this, including End and, those were people I trusted. Today someone told me something and then said, "Oh you told me that" and I sure as hell didn't.

There's a guy I know on Palace who loves to troll maliciously. Today, I found out that he pretended to be a woman, and split up a relationship by getting a guy to cheat on his girlfriend. Then the guy left his girlfriend for him. Stuff like this is why I wonder why I even went back to Palace.

Gaming alone is so boring, but it sure beats being surrounded by vile people.

UM

I had a really nice night. I got to talk to UM after not hearing from him for a year! We talked for three hours on the phone and had a chance to catch up. I would have talked to him all night only my family was getting loud. He had me add him to Skype so we can catch up some more. I'm glad he's doing well.

I got to play some WoW and catch up with some friends who had just come back to the game. Maybe we'll actually get to do something as a guild. I can only hope.

I'm heading to bed early. I didn't sleep much last night and it's catching up with me. So, I'm going to lay down with my book and pass out. Good night, Universe!

Words and Pictures

I stayed up to watch Words and Pictures. It spoke to me on several levels and made me think about a lot of things. It also scared me. I started thinking of all of the brilliant writers out there who can literally paint pictures with their words and, I can't compare. It's intimidating to me, because I know I might never write in a way that makes people feel on such an intense level. I might never be that good.

Despite feeling that way, I will always write.

It was a great movie. I appreciate the recommendation.


On a different note... I jumped on Palace. The info/rumors are STILL flying. I really wish they would stop. It's not doing anyone any good and, some things, I really do NOT need to know. I can't stand to see it or hear it. .... *breathes*

I'm going to bed. I shouldn't have watched that movie but I'm glad I did!

MY Bed

I had a nice night. Facey went to bed early, so I went DND on Skype and focused on WoW. I met a really cool guildie from NZ. He was recruited when I was on break. He told me about the Hobbit houses and some other NZ stuff. I told him when he caught up with my lowbies, a few others and I will run with him. It should be fun. He wants to raid so we'll see how that goes. We can always raid with a PUG.

After awhile I got on Skype with a Palace friend that I've never talked to on Skype before. I almost didn't. It was someone that End used to warn me about that he had issues with. He thought the guy was a creeper. He was really nice to talk to though. He didn't get weird with me at all. He got on webcam and just smiled often. He had a friendly face. I, of course, didn't get on cam, but he heard my voice. It's always nice to get to know good people, better.

I'm not sleepy yet but check out my dogs. It's like they think they own MY bed! I'll just snuggle with them and watch something online until I get sleepy. Good night, Universe!

One Thing Out of the Way

So much for sleep. I stayed up all night talking to SS, clearing up some things. We're going to work on our novella a few times this week. That should be fun. We were slacking on that. I couldn't get my head into it and then his computer died. Also the kids should be in school soon so I'll have early mornings to work on things.

He understands how things are with me, and that we won't be getting together. If I'm on Palace, he can sit with me, no problem. I think we're going to be two good friends who care about each other and, leave it at that :)  We have a good friendship and, I don't want that to change because things didn't go the way he thought they might. I've lost one good friend already. I don't want to lose anymore.

Now to get some much needed sleep. If I wake up at 10, I'll get 5 hours and be able to sleep tonight. So not trying to wreck my sleep again!

Ick

I was hanging at S&L tonight. I got in a call with the guys on the right. I got on WoW for a bit too but, couldn't focus. I'll try again tomorrow.

I'm feeling kind of blah lately. I'm hoping I get over it quickly. I'm not happy and I'm not liking it. Negativity and pessimism are not in my nature so everything feels all wrong. Ick.

So...

I found out that a friend of mine is trying to fix me up with someone on Palace. I know she means well but, it's so not going to happen for several reasons. My heart belongs to someone already. I don't date on Palace anymore. Everyone gets in everybody else's business. The potential for cheating is too great with the tabbing and all that. The most important Palace related reason? He's my online best friend's ex-boyfriend. I'm sure that goes against The Girl Code. He came to me and told me that someone is trying to match us up. We both agreed it was well-meaning. She's a sweet girl for trying to make two people happy. It's not going to happen though.

So sleepy! It's already 5pm so I'm trying not to nap. I slept eight hours last night but I feel exhausted. I think my body is still adjusting to my sleeping at night. I hope that's all it is. I shouldn't want to feel like laying down and closing my eyes all the time. I don't have the energy to do anything.

Sunday

Today, I realized that it doesn't really even matter anymore.

I Think Way Too Much in the Morning

Recently, I've been acting in ways that I feel are beneath who I am. I've been disappointed in myself. These things are nothing I can really fix. All I can do is be aware of how I've behaved, and try not to do those things again.

I think I need to get back in touch with my spiritual side. I'm not a religious person really. I believe that God exists, and that I'd like to feel closer to him. I don't believe in religion based doctrine though. I believe the Bible is a spiritual book, but I don't believe that it's the only way to God. I do believe that prayer has power - that putting thoughts and feelings into the Universe is speaking to God, because he is a part of everything.

I think I need to start being more aware of what it is I'm doing. I also need to quit being lead by my heart, and get more in touch with my soul and my spirit.

I think Facey would have some things to say about my beliefs. Our spiritual cores are different. I do want to talk to him about this later and hear what he has to say. I'm really curious, and I always enjoy hearing his insight into anything that is important to me.
 
Lately I feel like I've been neglecting him. With all of the stuff that's been going on with End and Palace, I've been so preoccupied. I need to start spending time with Facey more. He's one of three people in my life that I feel I can truly count on, and I will let him know that I don't take that for granted. I already made that mistake with End. I won't do it to Facey too.

I feel that End is trying to get some distance lately and, I don't blame him. I think things are probably awkward for him considering how the past few weeks have been, and how our dynamic has shifted. I just hope he knows that, despite everything, I'm glad he's in my life. I'm glad I met him and got to know him. I'm glad he let me see parts of him that no one else knows. I appreciate that he's done that.

Sometimes, I really wish that I could be a better friend to the people in my life. I get so bogged down by things that are going on in my household and my family, that I shut down. I don't speak my mind. I don't let people know how much they mean to me. I isolate myself emotionally when things get rough. I have so many people that I care about but then life sucks and I become so distant. I leave them wondering if they did something wrong, or if I suddenly don't care about them. It's made me wonder if I'm not, on some level, depressed. Maybe it's something that's just been there because of how my family was while I was growing up. I don't know. I just wish I could be different. I'm just not sure how to change it.

Saturday

I had a really good Saturday. I went for brunch at Denny's and had pancakes. Anyone who knows me knows I love pancakes. Then I went to four of my favorite thrift stores. I found a 150 pack of calligraphy rice paper for $1. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it but, I'm looking for ideas. I bought some paint yesterday that I want to do a few things with. If I come up with something, I'll share it.

I also bought a brand new pack of 24 chalk pastels. They were a good name brand too. I looked them up. They're normally $30. I found them for $5 :D I need to buy some fixative before I can use it. I'd even be happy with a cheap can of hair spray. It used to work back in the day.

I might go out tomorrow and see what else I can find. I still need to find those books I was looking for. I need to buy stamps and envelopes so I can pay my son's rent. I also need to find a collar for the puppy. I'm having a great weekend so far :)

I'm Carrying Your Love With me

I heard more rumors earlier. I wish people would just let this stuff die! I mentioned it to one person and I want to see if it gets back to E. I'm betting it will. I hope he realizes that I really don't believe this stuff. The only thing I believe is what he's already confirmed. I never realized how bad the rumors on Palace were. So damaging and so relentless.

I watched HJ, Ecs and SS play Yahtzee last night and I realized how much I missed it. I've always liked playing social games. They say you learn about a person playing games with them. I think that's true.

Today should be a good day. It's not hot out. It's 68f and the sky is full of clouds. I feel so lucky to live where I live while everyone else seems to be roasting. I'm going to go get some coffee and start my shopping. It should be fun!

This song is stuck in my head.

George Strait - Carrying Your Love With Me
I'm carrying your love with me.
West Virginia down to Tennessee.
I'll be movin' with the good Lord's speed.
Carrying your love with me.
It's my strength for holdin' on,
Every minute that I have to be gone.
I'll have everything I ever need.
Carrying your love with me.

*closes eyes*

I'm sleepy. That's a great thing! I took a short nap earlier and was worried that it would effect my being able to sleep tonight.

Tomorrow, I have plans to head out to some thrift stores and see if I can find the books that I want to read. I have my list ready! I want to buy a few things. Envelopes, stamps.... Oh the kids need school supplies. I'll be buying all of that while my mom covers the clothes and backpacks. It should be fun. Busy day tomorrow!

I mentioned to End that he should go out to lunch tomorrow. Let's see if he does it. He never does anything I suggest :P

I want to play some WoW tomorrow. I'm so behind!

I'd write more but my brain is soooo sleepy. Good night Universe

Wake Up Call

I was so tired through most of yesterday. I guess my sleep habits are catching up with me. On a good note, I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 5:30am :D I know that's not a huge thing for most but I feel like I did something huge. I hope I can keep it up for awhile. I know.... I always say that. Still hoping though!

I think I'm going to talk to SKK less. He usually texts or calls on his way home for company on his rides. When I told him, "Sorry, going to bed early. Drive safely!"... he had a huge issue with it. He knows I've been struggling with my sleep. It felt like such a selfish way to act. He calls me his best friend. I woke up this morning and checked my cell. No apology or a "good night". Just, his disappointment that I didn't put off sleep, even if I was exhausted. It sucks.

I think I'm just tired of making sacrifices for people, and using so much energy on people who take and take and take without any regard for whatever it is that I need too. I need some space away from him for awhile. This isn't the first time he's done this.

I think I'll straighten up the downstairs some while I make coffee, and start a load of laundry.

ABC

Saw this on Brit's Facebook so I thought I'd fill it out really quickly.

My ABC's
A- Age: 44
B- Biggest Fear: I'm afraid of losing the people I love.
C- Current Time: 7:57
D- Drink you last had: water. Water is good for you!
E- Easiest Person To Talk to: Facey, then Izz
F- Favorite Movie: It's a toss up between Fiddler on the Roof or the Goonies
G- Grossest Memory: Ick. The dry heaves after a drunken night when I was 21
H- Hometown: Ventura, CA
I- I Love: Duh
J- Jealous Of: People who don't have anxiety issues. I'd love to be "normal" for awhile.
K- Killed Someone?: Only on WoW.
L- Longest Relationship: 10 years, from 17 to 27
M- Middle Initial: A
N- Number of Siblings: 2 wholes, and 4 halves.
O- One Wish: I want the impossible
P- Person who you last called: the youngest
Q- Question you're always asked: did you sleep?
R- Reason to smile: There are too many to list.
S- Song last sang: Cyndi Thomson - What I Really Meant to Say
T- Time you woke up: 1pm :x I'm working on it.
U- Underwear Color: Pink lace
V- Vacation Destination: I'd love to see South Korea but I'd be happy heading to Vegas.
W- Worst Habit: I tend to interrupt people when I'm overly excited about saying something.
X- Xrays you've had: Teeth, pinky, chest, ankle.
Y- Your favorite food: Korean food, then Indian food.
Z- Zodiac Sign: Gemini

Cyndi Thomson - What I Really Mean to Say
What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside.
And I miss you more each day.
There's not a night I haven't cried.
And baby,here's the truth
I'm still in love with you. Yeah.
That's what I really meant to say.... 

What I really meant to say
Is I'm really not that strong.
No matter how I try
I'm still holding on.
And here's the honest truth,
I'm still in love with you.
That's what I really meant to say...

 

Some Things Should Not Be Policed

I've been thinking of ways to get out of the house, push some of my boundaries and do more. I remembered how much I loved volunteering at a local soup kitchen. It was run by the big Catholic church in town. (I'm not Catholic but anyone can volunteer.)

Once a week, they would serve a hot meal to anyone who came in. It mostly catered to the homeless and the elderly. The tables were set nicely. There was a cafeteria like kitchen, and dining hall that they "borrowed" from the Korean Methodist Church. The environment was really nice. Seating was random, and everyone wears name tags and addresses each other by name.

I got to meet a lot of really cool people. Living in a smaller, tight knit community, I run into people I've met there all the time while out doing things around town. My mom is elderly, and likes to eat there sometimes, and volunteers could eat too after closing. They have great meals, and a few times a month, some of the local restaurants would provide meals for them.

I was going to ask about volunteering but so many things have changed. Apparently the department of Health has sanctioned them for providing seconds for everyone to take home. You would get your food, stay for dessert, and then be able to get seconds that you could take with you for later. For some of the homeless, that was the second meal of the day. For the elderly, that provided some with a meal for the next day. They even had to hire a security guard to make sure no food was taken out.

I don't understand it. Why are there so many rules regarding food pantries, soup kitchens and just feeding the homeless that are on the streets. I could see if this was something that had the potential for harm, but it's not. Now, you have to eat there, and can't take anything home. And to some of the elderly, it's not worth the trip like it was before.

I was really saddened by what I saw tonight. The church running it doesn't like how things are either but, they're still going to keep providing that service for anyone who wants to come and get a meal, which is great. I just miss that friendly, warm environment that it had before.

They're not taking on any more volunteers. I'll be keeping my eyes open.

Wednesday

I never minded Wednesdays but I can't wait until Friday gets here.

I am feeling hopeful about today. I just have a feeling that it's going to be a better day than yesterday.

I've been in a call with Izz most of the night. I can't websurf so she was showing me sites with her webcam which was cool. Then Roo was playing music in S&L so Izz played the music so I could hear too. I've been half asleep all night so I was passively participating but she didn't mind.

End woke up and greeted me *big smile* That was always my favorite part of the morning. I'm holding back a lot. It's hard to shift from our old routine to how things are now but, I know it's what he wants, and I get it. Even though we don't hang out on Palace anymore, he's still means the most to me.

Earlier someone mentioned the ska band, The Specials. I haven't really listened to them in years. I missed some of these songs.

Quickie

I deleted one of my regular Palaces from my bookmarks. I needed to. I would get bombarded by the rumors and the gossip. All it does is hurt people. I think I hurt E. I know he has to be angry at me.
I closed Palace for the night. I think I'm going to take a nap before dinner.

I'm Ready for This to be Over

It has been a really long past few days. So much drama and so very little sleep. Stuff happened with E and, it's nothing I want to repeat here. I'll just say, this whole situation makes me very sad. I just hope that one day, we can get past all of this and be the good friends that we were before all of this started.

I've been in Skype all night with Facey, discussing everything. He's been a great listener, trying to cheer me up. I love that I have people like him in my life. He told me that I have a good heart, and that I choose to see the good in people.

A lot of women on Palace keep seeking me out to tell me horrible things about E. I finally had to hide at Flirt. Why should I be bombarded with all of this negativity? I think he needs to leave Palace. He asked me and I couldn't tell him to because I don't feel it's my place but, I really think he has to go. So many people are angry at him or hurt by him. I think, he needs to give everyone some space for awhile, let things cool down. In my gut, this would be the right thing for him to do. I know it's not easy though.

I already told everyone I was going to slowly wean myself from Palace, starting tomorrow.

Enough

I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am done. I have nothing left to give, to anyone right now.

I need for all of this to stop.

Writing and More Writing

I talked to SS last night about my needing some time before getting back into writing. He understood. We've decided to enter a writing contest with an October deadline, so hopefully I can participate. If I'm not feeling up to it, and he does most of the writing, he can take the credit for it. I think it's only fair. He shouldn't suffer any consequences due to my personal/relationship issues.

He seemed to be under the impression that the opportunity was open for more than just writing partners and, I let him know that my feelings haven't changed. He's great, and I adore him but, I know what I want.

I realized, I hadn't really eaten since I woke up yesterday. I had a handful of pretzels and a few spoonfuls of ice cream. When I have too much on my mind, I just forget to eat. I need to not do that. Especially if I'm telling other people not to do it.

==============================
Yesterday, I asked E to do something for me. I've been wanting him to start drawing again since I've met him. I know it used to make him happy. I guess I was hoping that if he were to start drawing again, he might feel a sense of relief or release. I think he's so used to the way he has been feeling that, he doesn't seem to want to try anything else. I know how that is. There's a part of you that fights it for whatever reason.

I know how to take care of myself so that I feel better. I know the things I need to do to lessen my anxiety, bring my blood sugar down further, feel better over all. I'm not doing them though. I don't know why. Fears maybe. Maybe I feel like nothing is going to work so I don't try. Fear of failure? Fear that everything my mom tells me about myself is true? Fear that it will work and I won't know how to handle it? Maybe he's feeling the same thing.

So, I'm going to take a leap of faith on my own. If you look up "100 Themes Challenge", you'll find a prompt list to use for artistic purposes such as writing, drawing, sculpting, collaging, anything you want to do creatively. You start from 1 and work your way down to 100. I'm going to take the challenge but choose 50 out of the 100. When I wake up later, I'll do 1 :) I've decided to be open about it. I might not even write. I might take a picture, or do some drawing myself. I'll see.

I'm going to get under my blankets and read until I doze off. Good day, Universe! :)

Let the New Week Begin

I spent the entire week distracting myself because I missed hanging with End so badly. Then he gets back and everything changes. I should have never tabbed but, I couldn't face that he was going to be gone...

We talked last night. We cleared some stuff up and, then we talked some more. I spent a whole month getting to know him, and he was going through so much I never knew about. He said some things that I knew were really hard to talk about, and I appreciate him telling me. I know what it must have meant for him to be able to do that.

I'm going to miss spending time with him. I like the way he treats people, how he talks to them and makes them feel welcome and comfortable. I liked discussing things with him. Music, books, movies. He knows what tribbles are :D

All of those other people on Palace that he was so insecure about, they had nothing on him. It's too bad I never got to make him understand that sooner.

I told him that his "messy life" wasn't a deal breaker and I meant it. I think I know the worst of it now, and I'm not going anywhere. I still think I need to leave Palace for a little while. If he needs me, he knows how to reach me. And if he wants to add me to Yahoo, well, all he has to do is add the longer version of my name. The same one I use for Skype. I think most know that. He's the only one I'm concerned about so, if he asks me to get on Palace and talk to him, I will. I don't think he'll ask though.

I was told tonight at his new home Palace not to bring any drama, which I would never do. Maybe it wasn't meant that way but I took it as they're expecting drama from me and I need to stay away :(

I feel so empty inside. It's probably from all of the crying I did earlier. I don't do well at all losing people.

I think I'm ready for sleep again. Good night Universe.

E...

I'm leaving palace. I'm sorry E. You're what I was waiting for and you were why I stayed. Without you, it's not the same. I know you don't want me leaving Palace over you but, that's how much you mean to me.

I'm quitting my writing projects indefinitely. My novellas, the song I was going to work on and my Palace blog. I can't focus on writing, and you were one of the reasons I got back into writing in the first place. Also, the two people I was writing with are part of why I lost you, and I can't deal with that right now. 

How could you think you were a footnote when it was all about you?

I should have taken more screen caps.

Don't go.

Gunga Din

I have had this song stuck in my head for days. I love the guitar in it. It reminds me of another song that I wish I could remember...

*sighs* (updated)

I'm kind of disappointed about something and I really don't know what to do about it. I should probably talk about it with the person who disappointed me but I think they're going through their own thing too right now. I don't know how to fix this.

I think I'm going to go DND on everything for a bit.

======================
My net is messed up. It's going to be like this until around the 31st of the month. This sucks and it's affecting Palace. Being in a room with people that you can't see when the background is pitch black is kind of disorienting. It's like being on the outside looking in. You know you're missing something.

Avatars aren't just something you wear. Well not for me anyway. I'm sure it's not like that for everyone. Some just put on whatever they find. The background sets the mood, the environment. I'm getting none of that. It's just me, in a dark room with a chat window.

It's not just that... I'm feeling kind of online "homeless" lately. I wish I didn't feel that way. I mean Flirt is my home, but no one goes there. All of the people I want to talk to are elsewhere and, even then, I don't feel like I should be there either. It's leaving me feeling kind of isolated and, lost. Or maybe it's just me going through one of my ungrounded phases. I'm not liking it.

On a good note, Endrin's back. He surprised me last night by getting home a day early, and of course I *hug tackled* him. I missed him so much. It's been a really long week.

Movie - The Doll Master

I asked Izz to link me a movie.... and she links me to a Korean horror movie called The Doll Master. I keep jumping! I think after this I need to watch a comedy, if this doesn't give me a heart attack. Gee!

Later....
It was actually pretty good. Five people are invited to meet an artist who creates dolls. Scary stuff happens. Now to just calm myself down!

Limitations

The neighbors let us use their wifi, and, it seems they didn't pay their bill before going on vacation for the week. I can get on Palace but not see avs. I can open Blogger's page, and watch Youtube. I can check email, view Pinterest, and that's pretty much it. So, there are a few things on my list for this week that I won't be able to do. That's too bad but, I'll just have to focus on the things I CAN do.

I have a bunch of DVDs I can watch so I'm going to find something and get back in bed. I hope Tuesday gets better!

Sunday's Stuff

I have finally started my Palace blog. So far I've only posted things from the old Firebird's Forest site. Today, I'm going to hook up my back-up drive and grab whatever screen caps and such I have on there and figure out how to organize it.

I don't think I'll get much writing done with SS this week. He's reformatting his computer. I'm still going to try to come up with secondary character ideas and go from there. We've given ourselves an October deadline so, let's see what we can do.

I was hoping I'd go to bed earlier and possibly fix my sleep but, I wasn't even tired. I laid there, and I yawned a bunch but no sleep

Monday.... I didn't even finish my LFR's. I guess I know what I'm going to be doing today.

Yay For Lists

E's going away for the week on a well deserved vacation, starting tomorrow. I've gotten so used to him being there when I wake up. Palace isn't going to be the same without him. I miss him already.

This coming week I have some things I want to do. I want to get this house spring cleaned again. I want to pull out my sketchbook and put ANYTHING in it. I want to fix my sleep again. I want to make some avs and start on an av room at Flirt. I'll talk to Riv about that the next time I see her. I want to watch a movie E recommended that I've been meaning to watch. Izz is going to help me get started on my Korean lessons again. Oh, I told Wray I'd write a song with him. That should be interesting. I have my writing I'm doing with SS. I'm going to catch up on WoW somewhat. Hmm there were a few other things. I'm sure I'll think about them when I wake up again.

This last week has felt very... off. I'm hoping that I can recharge, reground myself and figure some things out this next week.

E, I'm going to miss you. Have an awesome vacation!

Wheels are Turning

I think, I'm thinking too much. That's never a good thing. I tend to live in my head when I do that. Just think until my mind gets tired. I need distraction, and occupation. Something to focus on that isn't related to everything I'm thinking about.

Blah.