Dear Current Situation

I don't like conflict. I know it's a part of everyone's lives, but if I can help it, I keep things simple. I keep how I live simple. I keep everything simple except for my relationships with people. That's because, people are complicated. That's another entry, entirely.

To me, everything is like a puzzle. I think that's why I think too much. I'm trying to figure it all out. I'm trying to find some way to see things in a way that makes sense to me. I turn things around, see it through this view and that view and hope that I find one that makes me think, "Ah.... this works for me." Unfortunately, sometimes, it really doesn't. As much as I want something to work and hope and pray that it does, it really doesn't.

This is where life gets messy for me. When things don't work, logically, you know it's time to try something different. That no matter how much you believe in something, it's wrong for you. When you start to see yourself as compromised, getting the short end of the stick, or just losing something, including yourself, it's not worth it anymore.

Dear Current Situation,
You are wrong for me. I wish you weren't. I could get comfortable in you, and tell myself that I'm happy when I am not. My gut tells me that you're bad for me. For my morale, my self-esteem, and you're a waste of my time. I'm wasting time! I could be in a million other situations but I'm not. I'm stuck in this one because I'm hoping that somehow, it all works out. That it will all line up and make sense and be a right situation. It never will though. The problem is, I can't change what this is. It is not within my power, or my resources at this moment. And honestly... I need you. I don't know why. You just damage me over and over again, but I'm just not ready to end this. I haven't figured out that part of the puzzle yet, the realistic part that comes from inside, that lets me know that enough is enough. It's very close to being there. It's almost enough. Anyway, just giving you a head's up. I'm about through with you. Thanks for the lesson.

Sincerely,
Me

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Video is totally unrelated. I just think it's time to rock out for a minute. BTW, go to DramaFever and check out a show called Mary Stayed Out All Night. I know, me and my corny Kdramas. But really, who doesn't love a love story? This one made me cry, and I'm only half way finished with it. Guilty pleasures :D

I Don't Wanna Know

It hurts, loving someone who no longer belongs to you. The reality is, he really never did. I need to fall back to sleep and not think for awhile.

You could be my silver springs
Blue green colors flashin'
I would be your only dream
Your shining autumn, ocean crashing
And did you say she was pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I don't wanna know
I'll begin not to love you
Turn around, see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago
Tell myself you never loved me, no
And did you say she was pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I don't wanna know
Oh, no
And can you tell me was it worth it
Really, I don't wanna know
Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me

 I'll follow you down til' the sound of my voice will haunt you
was I such a fool?
You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

If I Fell In Love With You...

Ashley: I'm in love with you...
Caleb: How is that a problem?
Ashley: Eventually, you're going to break my heart. I'm just going to save us both the trouble and break my own heart. *walks away*

I feel your pain Ashley!

I can't sleep. Too much on my mind, so I decided to watch an episode of Heartland. I'm on the finale of season 3 and, those finale's, eh? See what I did there? ...It's a Canadian show. Seriously though, finale's have always made me cry. I don't do well with endings, even if there's another beginning around the corner.

I bawled my eyes out during the series finale of Growing Pains. I cried til I couldn't during the series finale of M*A*S*H. Who wouldn't though, right? I cry when things end. Always have.

Ashley and Caleb are my favorite couple on Heartland. They're the impossible couple. The couple that has so much going against them that I cheer for them each time they make things work out. I love them together. He's a jerk sometimes. It's all about the rodeo with Caleb, and he never fails to make her feel like crap over it. She deserves better, though, at the same time, she was the "mean girl" for the longest so maybe this is her comeuppance.

She loves him. He loves her too but he's a guy... He doesn't show it well. He doesn't tell her how he feels. He says really dumb things without realizing how it makes her feel. Sometimes I wish someone would shake him. I know where she's at though. Loving a man who doesn't make you feel good a lot of the time. Who makes you feel kind of unworthy and who puts other things before you. It's even harder when you love them with everything you have and you hope against everything that they would understand and feel the same way.

Sorry, Ash :(

Vroom Vroom

I'm wide awake because someone was pounding on the door. They had the wrong apartment of course, and didn't even apologize.... I'm sure I'll get tired enough soon. Sipping my Sleepytime tea and looking for something soothing to read.

Lately, I haven't been in the mood for much of anything. I can't find anything I want to read, watch, do, listen to. I have a lot on my To ____ list and nothing sounds good. I feel like a car that's all revved up and has nowhere to go.

Connections, Yay!

A few days ago, I ran into an "old" friend on Facebook. He wrote this on his timeline and, I couldn't help but be happy.

"Quick smile.. 15 years ago, a much younger D____ M______ had entered into his teenage years with the loss of his mother. He avoided life for a little while, skipping school and just staying home all day, everyday. He bought a computer, and popped in an AOL 4.0 CD and signed onto something foreign. This was before profile pictures, it was simply a black font screen name. He went into one chat room of his religious faith, and stumbled upon some of the greatest people who unknowingly helped him threw the next few years of his life! Friends without faces from unknown places sort to speak.. This went on for days, weeks, years. Letters were mailed (real letters), birthday cards were sent.. (i was just thinking of a few people when i moved and went thru some old letters/cards two months ago) Never knowing last names, it would be impossible to attempt to find these people after all this time.. Until tonight, when i freaken smiled and almost got teary when as soon as i saw a friend request from G___ O____, followed by L____ L____. Two of my very best friend/pen pals back then.. You both have no idea how much i've thought about you over the years! ..Welp, that is enough of that [-; "

Reading that made me feel really good. I'm glad I can have any type of positive impact on someone, especially people I care about. It also helps me to appreciate the people that I have in my life that I have never "officially" met yet. People I've met on AOL, The Palace, Second Life, World of Warcraft, Minecraft - all of those social games and chat rooms I find myself on and connecting with people on. Then there are the people I've known forever, lost touch with and connected with online.

I had a best friend in my early 20's that I lost touch with. I was focusing on my son's physical and mental issues, and she moved to Indiana during that time. We recently got in touch again on Facebook. I love that I can do that.

I know I go on about this every once in awhile but I love that we can use technology to create life long friendships and connections. ...And with people who don't even speak the language! I have two good friends online who don't speak English. We use Google's translator, or the one that comes with Facebook. It's amazing to me. We share movie suggestions, TV shows, music. I love it.

I've been half distracted for the past half hour. I was on WoW and the repair guy was installing a light fixture. I really do need to have a quiet time of the day to write but, it never works out that way. I wish I had an office.

Good Day

Today... I played World of Warcraft. Yeah, that was pretty much it. For the first time in a long time, I didn't have to drive anyone anywhere. I didn't have to do much but straighten up, stay home for whichever kids had shortened day, help with dinner and just relax. Not sure how that happened but I'm not complaining :D

I spent the whole day with G gaming. We did necessary stuff. We did not so necessary stuff. I had a good time. He only got impatient one time that I can remember. I can't help being myself k? :P

I have stuff to write about but I feel sleepy and I want to get ready for bed. I will probably meditate for a bit too.

Not Allowed

Rough night. My nephew decided for himself that he's the head of the house and tried to boss everyone around. I told him, "You're not King ______" and he didn't like that. So what does he do? He yells at me because I didn't wash dinner dishes yet. I was going to do them of course, but I wanted the kids to get to bed so I could relax, put the headphones on and clean before bed. It's a positive to me that way. It's also a way to unwind. Take out that last bit of adrenaline on the dishes and counter tops. Breathe while I do it, and practice mindfulness. That was the plan anyway.

So the kid goes to the kitchen, brings the pan out, and flips it over onto the carpet. Tuna casserole! I was furious, told him to clean it up, and my mother yells at ME. It's bullshit.

He half-assed cleaned it so I have to go over it, and the living room smells like tuna casserole. I really wish his mother would get off of the drugs, get her life together and raise her son. I love him. I'm the only one who takes care of him, and pulls for him when it comes to getting what he needs. And I refuse to let him grow up thinking it's okay to be abusive to anyone. He's fourteen years old. I'm the grown up, not him, and it's my job to teach him these things. I understand his life sucks. I understand he has huge anger issues with his mother and what he was raised around. It's not an excuse or a reason to act like this or treat anyone this way. It is NOT allowed.

*breathes* I'm going to do this floor, straighten up the kitchen, put the dog away, get my pj's on and get in bed.

I'm Breathing!

...or not. You can't win over someone who doesn't want to be won. What can I do.

I write a lot more when I'm not spending time with G. I know it's because when I'm with him, he's the one I talk to. He's my sounding board. He's the one I want to tell everything to. It's how I am. He's nothing like that. He tells me things but, there's a lot about him I don't know. It's not for lack of asking questions. He just doesn't share a lot. I was always okay with that because when he did share, it made me feel special. Like it was something he was giving me, not something I had to ask for.

I think he's done with me. He didn't write me out of his life but, he still hasn't spoken to me. He told me that he loves me. He's shown that he loves me. But when he's angry, he knows how to turn it all off if he feels he has to. I'm not going anywhere. I know exactly what I want.

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I didn't do too much today. I straightened up the house. I went out and let my mom check on my sisters. I bought dinner stuff. We're having tuna casserole tonight. I've been wanting to make it all week but my mother kept buying ingredients for other things. I really think she's becoming senile. She does so many "off" things and, there's no consistency. It drives me nuts but, all I can do is try to keep my sanity and make sense of things. I need to be sure the kids are stable too. Kids come first.

I'm sure I'll write more later. I told a friend I'd do something with her on WoW. Blah, so awkward being on and not doing anything with him. And what about the stuff I need to get done? If I don't do it it doesn't get done. If I do it without him, he'll see it and possibly get bothered without telling me he's being bothered... and then get mad enough to delete me and I won't be able to handle it... *breathes*

OOOHHHMMMMMMM

Last night was the first time in awhile that I haven't fallen asleep with G. It sucked. Finally, after an hour of laying there, I decided to meditate. It really helped a lot. Immediately afterwards, I was less jumpy, and a lot more calm. I fell asleep right after and... slept ten hours. I know I needed it. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep for the past week. I feel tons better.

I love G. I want him in my life. He hasn't walked away. He just needed to cool down. I know I'm going to have to be the one to break the ice, but I'm afraid to talk to him. That unknown of "Will he still be angry at me or will he be okay and have missed me too?" I'll say hi to him in a bit.

Last night, I found out that someone that I thought was a friend, really does not like me but has been pretending to be super cool with me. I thought that stuff stopped happening in high school. I'm just going to distance myself. No need to confront someone like that. Not worth my time.


...I do feel tons better after meditating and sleeping ten hours. Now to get my man back.

I Want You To Be My Love

I've never really listened to Over the Rhine. I came across this song while watching Heartland and I've been stuck on it for the past week. It's simple and sweet. I play it, close my eyes and think about what it feels like to love someone, to want them, and to be able to tell them so.

Loving has always been easy for me. To be genuinely interested in someone. To love someone unconditionally, without asking anything of them. I don't know why I love this way. I like how I am though. I'm afraid of a lot of things but putting my heart on the line, giving someone my heart and hoping they don't tear it apart, to me that's a brave thing.

Love this song...

I want you to be my love...

The Day Is Not Over

Today was just one of those days, and it's not over. I woke up to sister drama. She was having a fight with her boyfriend on the street outside of our place. It's so embarrassing to me when they do that. They'll start yelling, throwing things... She's 38 years old! If you want to fight, go somewhere else.

I didn't want to dwell on it. I was glad when my mom grabbed her and left. After the house cleared (for the most part), I got up and started talking to G. I missed him yesterday. He was hanging with his guys, gaming and having fun :) We were supposed to do stuff today but, I was so anxious and just not feeling well. I didn't even have the energy to say much. I kept trying to engage him in conversation but, I was feeling blah and, something was going on with him too. He wasn't talking either, and he seemed in a mood.

My nephew stayed home from school for whatever reason. I didn't even know he was here until after my mom had left. He came downstairs to get something and I was just so disappointed that I didn't say anything. He stayed home yesterday because his pants had a hole in them... We bought him some new clothes last night. I don't understand why he didn't go. He started talking about an assignment he didn't finish and I don't know what else. I wanted just ONE day alone this week :(

... G is angry at me. I'm so anxious over it, and hurt. Nothing I can do when he shuts me out but wait.

I've been so edgy the past few days over that inspection. I got hardly any sleep until last night. I feel so hellish and "jet lagged". It always comes out as anxiety for me. I'd love to simply not feel well and let my body take care of itself without it having all kinds of crazy things happen instead. G recommended a book to me. I'm going to see if I can find it. He's been really supportive and sweet to me lately. I wish I could do something for him. The little bit I can do, I never get the opportunity or the time, or the space. It makes me so sad too. He's a great guy who deserves so much more.

My day is half over and I still have to figure out what's for dinner and a few other things. I know myself. My insecurity is going to take over and I'll be worrying until I hear from G again. I just hope I don't have a panic attack over it. I can't handle another panic attack right now. I had one earlier that just wore me out.

Why am I such a wreck?

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

It never fails. On the nights I'm exhausted and hope to get the minimum of 7 hours sleep... I only get 4 or 5. I'm tired but wired. Fun times. My plan is to go ahead and get out of bed, finish up that kitchen, and see if I can fall asleep again later. Maybe I'll get a 3 hour nap in after the kids go to school, and sleep calmly because I got stuff done. That's the plan anyway... :)





...and I got caught up on Pinterest. I looked up ONE muffin recipe, clicked on a Pinterest one and kept going from there. Guess I'll start some muffins while I clean the kitchen and hope not to fall asleep in the middle of it!

Writing Is Supposed to Help Too

Today is going to suck. The next few days are going to suck. Not only are we having another apartment inspection that we aren't prepared for, but I seem to be even more anxious this time around than the other times. I couldn't sleep all night. I'd fall asleep but I kept waking up worrying about things I didn't get done... important things that could jeopardize our living situation.

I started writing lists. I thought that would clear my head and get some of the anxiety out. Nope. I'm exhausted and as much as I'd love to get everything done, I don't want to make myself sick in the process by pushing myself.

It didn't help that we only had two days notice, and my family members did the minimal amount of help that they could get away with. Blah, they'll be here in an hour!. All I want to do is go back to bed, but I'll lay there and start having an anxiety attack again.

Head Colds... Ick

Long day... I'm glad it's half over. Nothing horrible happened. I would just rather spend my days doing things around the house and getting things done than driving around for no reason. Well no logical reason...

My nephew and I have head colds. Mine is almost gone but his is going full force. I feel bad for him. I know he feels miserable. I made him soup last night. Today he stayed home from school.

I've been playing around with my new cell phone. It's almost like a mini PC. I can do so much on it that I couldn't with my old phone. I can play games. I'm hooked on Burning Blade and G and I have just started a new game called Avabel. I transferred some of my books to my phone. That was a learning process in itself.

I was going to use the mobile version of Kindle but, I had some books in my Calibre library that I wanted to read too. I figured out that I could move some of my Kindle format books to Calibre, turn them into epubs (which is Adobe I think), and then upload them to my Google Books to read on my phone. Now I can read whichever books I want on my cell, and they stay in my Google "cloud". Very cool *nods*. I know my cell isn't ideal for reading ebooks since it's technically a mini S3 but, there have been times when I'm stuck in the car indefinitely and it's come in handy.

Things with G and I have been going really well. This is usually the time things go badly but I'm feeling hopeful. I know I need to put some more action into my intentions. I need to get some stuff done so I can keep moving forward in my plans, individual plans and relationship plans. It's hard to do when all of my downtime is spent doing stuff that doesn't need to be doing, for everyone else. Adding that to my list of things that needs to change more quickly. I was doing really well with it for awhile.

Going to go make something to eat and get some things done around here.

Testing...1,2,3...

I finally got a phone upgrade! I've had the same phone for five years, so I think it was time. I also dropped the last phone in some water and it was glitching now snd then... Anyway, yay for upgrades!

Now to figure out what I can do with this thing besides read ebooks...

Sleep & Anxiety..... yay!

I know I tend to "borrow trouble". (That means worry.) I had a panic attack last night, and then woke up in the middle of one today. Neither of them had anything to do with anything that's happening right now. I was talking to Gen the other day. I wanted to ask his opinion on something that's been going on in my life. G's been having me fix my sleep. I'm doing it for a few reasons...

1. I like falling asleep with G, and he goes to bed at 11'ish on his nights off.
2. I do better physically, mentally and emotionally when I sleep normal'ish hours. Less anxiety. My blood sugar goes down. I feel I can handle pretty much anything. I eat on a schedule. Etc, Etc...
3. School is starting soon and I don't do well with all of that interrupted sleep when I sleep later than everyone else. They're all so loud and obnoxious in the mornings.
4. I would like to go to school and learn a trade but, school starts at 8am so I would need to be able to function by then, and not be late.

Sleeping by 11 is the best thing for me, and it makes G happy too. Bonus *nods*

So, I was talking to Gen about this and he brings up the adoption. He's worried about me because he knows how stressed out my family makes me. He's worried I won't get better if I'm here, and that adopting the girls has made me, well, stuck. I understand his concerns. I was worried about that too. Honestly, I didn't feel there was an option. I didn't want the girls going to strangers. They're 12 & 14, and need some stability. I also thought, I can handle anything for 6 years, even my mother.

I also thought, I can go to school, get a job, and get an apartment in the neighborhood. I don't do well living with my mother. We don't get along and, truth be told, she's not healthy for me. I can't tell her this because she wouldn't believe it, but it would also anger her. So, yeah, the plan was, school > job > living on my own. I had it all figured out.

I don't know why but when someone else voices concerns that I'm also concerned about, it sort of makes things more... cemented. Not Gen's fault of course. It's mine for thinking the way I do. Anyway I started thinking about how hopeless everything really is. What if'ing. What if I never get into school because I need an income first? What if I get kicked out of where I live for numerous reasons and not having anything to fall back on? What if something happens to my mother and I can't take care of the kids? What if I never get better? Is this how my life is going to be... for the rest of my life?! Everything just seemed so huge, and hopeless.

And then I think, "that's all part of the anxiety. Don't let it win." So I get up, start distracting myself, and breathing. I bring my heart rate down, and think about better things. When I panicked when I was with G, he called me over, held my hands and rubbed my arms. I take myself back to that moment and it helps. Then I think about more positive things, and why I'm doing this. The fear is always there right below the surface but, it always passes. Sometimes, I just have to write it out. ...Like now.

For This Moment...

G and I have been spending a lot of time together lately and I've been loving it. I can't say it hasn't been hard. Spending time with him isn't hard. But that feeling of, knowing that any moment can make or break us, it's rough for me. I don't do well under pressure. I always mess it up. I felt so confident when we started back up but, everything is so fragile. It's scary to me. But, I want this. I want him, and I'm not going to run because I'm scared. I'm going to see this through. If it doesn't work out, I'd like to say I've given it my best. This relationship is the biggest Boss I've ever had to encounter. 200mil health Elite and shit!....

Earlier, he got angry at me over the usual. I said a few stupid things. I don't know why I do that around him. Before we started talking again, I knew what I was doing. Something about being with him makes me feel dumb. I know I'm not dumb, but I feel so inadequate around him. I know he doesn't know everything. I've even taught him a few things. But the fact that he's so sure of himself, even when he's wrong makes me feel like I have no clue. Unfortunately, I wear my heart and my thoughts, and my emotions on my sleeve. Everything I think about, and feel, comes out. And... it tends to piss him off.

So he got angry, and I didn't say a thing. I didn't argue. I didn't try to fix things. I let him work it out and just, was there if he wanted to talk about it. Instead, it was let go and later, he was sweet. He asked me about my day, how I was doing and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. I might be wrong but my gut was telling me that that was his way of making things up to me. And if so, it worked because I felt genuinely cared about and cared for.

I was doing dishes earlier and thought about it and just smiled because, when he does things like that, I feel like he's showing his approval and letting me know that he appreciates me. It means a lot to me, and I don't take things like that for granted. I'm going to keep showing him that I'm serious about wanting to work things out. I'm going to show him that I can get my shit together and be someone he can count on and maybe one day be glad to have in his life.

But right now, I'm just going to enjoy tonight. I'm going to smile, remember the good things and go to sleep. I know I'm pushing it with my bedtime but, I just wanted to get all of this out and remember it, because I know every day doesn't come with it's blessings. And I know one day I will lose him again. So, here's to the good stuff.

Balance Is Always Nice

I don't know if it's because of how I was raised but, I've never been one to give up on a relationship. To me, relationships are work. Two imperfect people learning how to be together, "live" with each other, be a blessing to each other, it's not easy. Even when you find what you think is your perfect match, there are always life lessons and tests that sometimes even the strongest relationship can't get through.

G and I are working things out. I'm not taking him, or any moment for granted. I did that before without realizing it. I always do that. I don't know why. Maybe it's my own little test. "If he loves me, he'll wait." I know that's not how it works.
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Things have been hectic around here. My oldest nephew is visiting, and he seems to bring a bit of chaos with him when he visits. Not necessarily negative chaos, just, lack of order? He goes home on Saturday, and then my oldest niece visits. She's the opposite. She always brings order with her. Things are so calm when she's here. It will be a welcomed transition.

I Need a Bigger Box

I've been archiving my old text messages on Google Drive. It's been a pain in the ass. I'm typing them out manually and there are just so many. It's worth it to me though. As I'm doing this, I'm remembering things. - My nieces 11th birthday and the birthday wishes from her grandfather. The day my big sister told me that my grandfather had died. Encouraging texts from my best friend Naut and his wedding announcement from his, then, fiance.

To me, saving these is a lot like journaling. I do it to remember, both the good and the bad. I am also putting it in the past for now. When I write things in my journal, it's to get it out and put it away. It's to capture moments and save them for later. Sometimes, you just want to archive stuff like that because it's part of what makes you who you are.

There's a show I was watching... It's called Faith. It's one of the Korean dramas I got hooked on. On this show, there's a warrior who had to kill a bunch of people to defend his king. At the end of it, he couldn't pick his sword up any longer. Everyone thought he broke his wrist or something but, to him, the sword somehow became too heavy. Lately, I feel this way about my phone. It's full of good memories but, the bad ones are just weighing me down. I know I could simply delete things but, that doesn't mean they didn't happen. I have no problem owning the bad along with the good. So I'm archiving what I want to keep and remember some day. Then, next month, I'm buying a new phone. I need a fresh start and to write a few people out of my life and getting a new phone is part of that.

Maybe one day I'll delete the archives. For now, I want to box them up and put them away for awhile, and not think about them. ...I think I might need a bigger box.

Hard Habit to Break

SKK (AD) wants to work things out again. Honestly, I don't see the point. It's not about feelings. I could easily love him again if I allowed myself to. The problem is, I don't trust him. My gut tells me that if we tried to work things out, things would be great for awhile but, eventually he'll screw up again. I know he thinks he loves me. I'm the only person who has ever stood by him. I'm the only person who loved him unconditionally. I'm the only person who has accepted him as he is 100%... until he cheated on me and then lied about it. I forgave him. I'm his friend. I just can't invest myself in someone who makes me feel insecure anymore.

Gbear isn't speaking to me. I'm going to leave him alone. I'll finish his gift and let him know when it's done. If he doesn't want it, then I'll just put it away. I'd let it go but, he was always telling me how unreliable I was, and how I'd say I'd do something and never see it through. I know I don't have to prove anything to him but, it's me. When someone tells me that I can't do something, I get this annoying urge to prove them wrong.

I have two men (besides SKK) who are interested in starting a relationship with me and I'm stuck on someone who doesn't even want me. How do I turn this shit off?

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My friend, Johnny, got me checking out Tech N9ne, and I came across this song. I think I've listened to it twenty times since I've discovered it.

Even now, two months later, it's such an unbearable pain that I can hardly breathe. Why won't it stop.

Dreams

I have a friend that I've spent a lot of time with lately. He has feelings for me and I'm keeping my distance. He's a genuinely nice guy. We have a lot in common. He's around my age, has two kids. He has a mother he shops for and drives around. He's a great guy.

I had a dream about him last night. We went to a drive-in with his family. They were in a different vehicle. It was fun, and his family was hilarious and a lot like mine. Very there, involved, distracting, but I liked that we both knew that that was how it was. We went for a long walk after the movie, with his family, and he had his arm around me the entire time. It was a "nice date" type of dream.

I wish I could be open to something, and see where it goes. I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of giving my heart away, investing time, emotions just to have it all mean nothing.

I'll date in my next life.

Zooey Gets It

Sometimes, I feel like I'm too much. Too sensitive. Too neurotic. Too weird. Too goofy. Goofy, was my nickname in high school... Weirdo was my nickname in my 20's.

I sometimes wish I were more like my ex. He can turn everything off like nothing. He can go from love to disdain in the blink of an eye. Last week, I envied him. I was tired of hurting. I was tired of being angry at things I couldn't control. I don't like when I'm in the car, a sad song comes on, and I start crying...

Other times, I accept that this is who I am. I embrace it. I think it makes me a better person. I think it makes me more compassionate and empathetic. If I'm too much, then it can weed out those who can handle me, and those who can't.

AD, a different ex-bf, loves that I'm like this. He said it made things fun, challenging, and that it helps me to see the things in him that other people didn't, because I'm more sensitive to it.


There will always be moments when I'll wish I wasn't Me, but, that doesn't mean I ever truly want to be anyone else. I like who I am.

Mall Food Can Be Healthy Too!

My favorite mall food. Chicken and veggies :D

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My mother and sister decided that they wanted to eat at the mall for lunch. This has always been my go-to meal when I'm there. The chicken is very lightly breaded, and has a basic mushroom sauce on it, and it comes with a side of veggies. So good. I think the place is called Sbarro's.

I went grocery shopping yesterday for healthy food. I have all of my veggie snacks - carrot sticks, raw green beans, some hummus. I baked chicken last night and had some cauliflower and broccoli with it. I went with a whole grain pasta with fresh pesto sauce. The kids didn't complain, and even if they had, I can't eat unhealthy stuff just because they want it. I need to take care of myself and eat for energy. Your body needs fuel, not junk. Nutrients, vitamins, water, all that good stuff.

I feel so good after eating right!

Veggies FTW

A few months ago, I had lost some weight and I was eating much better. For some reason, the past few weeks, I've been feeling really hungry and I keep snacking. I thought it was a hormonal thing but that usually doesn't last longer than a few days. Now I feel puffy. It's time to get back on my diet.

I don't do anything drastic. I switch out white bread for whole grain. I say no to the desserts everyone else is eating and have fruit instead. I avoid fried foods if I can. My snacks go from chips to snap peas and carrots with hummus, or almonds. I love eating healthy. I feel better and not so sluggish or gross. I don't know why lately I've eaten so badly but it needs to stop, starting today.

Lately, I have been skipping breakfast. That might be part of the problem. I skip it, get hungrier and eat whatever. Tomorrow I'll buy a bunch of veggies and egg substitute. I love veggie omelets. Sometimes I'll just have a slice of really good, whole grain bread. I'm talking about the kind where it doesn't look so much like bread because all you see is seeds, nuts, grains surrounded by a bit of whole wheat flour. I'm getting hungry...

I'm going to make a pot of veggie soup!

P.S. Still missing G. I no longer fantasize about us getting back together. I miss what we had but I think if we did get back together, it would be like an entirely new relationship. I don't know if that's good or bad. I liked us and how we were. I really don't think a day will go by that I don't miss him.

Hoping for a Quiet Sunday

My son decided to show up at 7am... after I told him that I wanted to sleep in til a little past 9. Fortunately someone else let him in and I got to sleep a bit longer anyway :D

Today we're cleaning the house. Quick break right now. I told everyone yesterday that today, I'm not taking anyone anywhere until the house is clean. They're angry about it but I really don't care. If my mom wants to drive them, that's on her. I will put their messes in their room, on top of their beds. I want my living room clean. I want my dining room clean. I want to be able to wake up in the morning, look across the room, and see no visual clutter. It's getting done with or without their help.

Later, my son is taking me out for dinner as a late birthday present. I told him that I'd rather he use his money on something he needs but he insists on this.

Miso soup. So simple yet so delicious!

A Random Great Mood

The beginning of the month is always really busy. Bills need paying. Errands need doing. I'm driving all over the place getting stuff done. The best part? After we get everything done, I can relax. :)

Can you believe it's already July?! It's the middle of summer. We're into the second half of the year! I'm excited and yet, I wish the time would go by more slowly. Soon school will be starting again. Halloween will be here. Then it will be Christmas and we're on the brink of 2015...

Really though, I love July :) The county fair is coming up. I usually try to go at least once. I don't go on the rides anymore. I love the exhibits.... and the funnel cake. *drools*

I'm going to go pick a kid up from Summer school and get some more stuff done. Have a good day :)

Saturday!

I still "jump" every time I see G sign on, on WoW. It's very confusing. I jump, get excited and then remember how things are. I know I can talk to him any time but, that's not the same either. I start talking to him, think about how much I missed him, and nothing's the same. He doesn't talk to me the same way. He never laughs anymore. He's just...distant. Blah. So I end up not saying anything.

Today, the girls are going to a Dodgers game! They're not excited but I'm excited for them. I think it will be a fun experience, and at least they can say they've been to a game. Big Brothers/Big Sisters is providing tickets for them and their "Bigs", so they'll be going with friends and people they know. I think it's a great idea. They have a few other things set up for the Summer. I love this program. They do so much with them and for them.

We almost had my nephew out of the house too. He wanted to play basketball with his friends at the park. I love when he does stuff like that because usually, he doesn't want to do anything. He's in one of those brooding, moody teen phases. He ended up changing his mind because his ball is flat.... Other kids bring basketballs too! But it's all or nothing with him. I don't know what to do about that but hope that he realizes he's being too rigid in his thinking.

My mother and I will probably go and check out a bunch of thrift stores. I go for the books & whatever I can find that can be used in crafts. She looks for the antiques. She's into really old dolls, tea and saucer sets, stuff like that.

.... I'm running late. Going to make myself something to eat and then finish laundry. Have a good Saturday!

This Played in the Background...

"Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

Needing My zzzzzZZZZ's

I woke up super early to get a bunch of stuff done, and now I'm going to bed much later than I had planned, and way more tired. I hope I get a good night's sleep.

I've heard this song twice today and I missed it. Thought I'd share.

"We're just fumbling through the grey
Trying find a heart that's not walking away

Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far from so close

Like ships in the night
You keep passing me by
We're just wasting time
Trying to prove who's right
And if it all goes crashing into the sea
If it's just you and me trying to find the light
Like ships in the night
You're passing me by
You're passing me by
Like ships in the night"

I Need to Quit Doing That!

Tonight, I forgot to turn my ringtone off again and, MH called. He's a good friend of mine, and we haven't really had a chance to talk lately. I found out why. He's been dating someone and, they're engaged! I love it. He's been divorced for a few years and, he was so miserable. I'm glad he's finally happy again, and hopeful. Good news is always welcome :)

As he was telling me about his plans, I felt very alone. I shouldn't but, I do. The distance between G and I is getting so much wider. I think he really isn't in love with me anymore. I think he doesn't miss me anymore either. I just don't feel him anymore. I used to feel him so close, like he was right where I was. Now I just feel, like I'm holding on to the ghost of our relationship. It hurts. I'm not ready for it to be over but, I can't walk in this empty place alone anymore, the ruins of what we once had. I can't be here anymore. He always tells me, "You did this. This is your doing." I never walked away.

I'm going to go back to sleep while I'm still tired. I also need to not think for awhile.

Good night.

Great Sunday

Some days I wake up in a great mood, even when nothing great is going on around me. My son showed up super early. The kids woke up early and started making noise. The dog is requiring attention. My mother keeps saying the same things over and over because she wants attention too. House is clean but needs straightening up. Breakfast is out of the way. I don't know. Life just feels good.

Not sure what I'll do today. I'm thinking I'll go sit on the patio and read some more of the book G bought me. It's the latest Tess Gerritsen novel. I LOVE her. Yes, I've read the Risolli  & Isles books, but way before the TV series was created. I didn't really watch the show but I'm glad Tess Gerritsen got that recognition. She's great. A former medical examiner turned novelist :D

Off to do some more of this day.
---------------------------------------

I miss G. I miss our relationship. I know that I have some things to work on before working on things, or getting into another relationship though. Life doesn't have to be perfect to love someone and be loved by someone but, I'd like to have something more to offer. I'd like to be with someone and be able to show that I can make it work, and then go to the next level.

Who knows what the future holds. I'm feeling hopeful.

I Won't Give Up On Us

I'm good. I'm maintaining. I've been working my programs, and I have to say, I'm liking the mind shifting. I feel more positive lately, less oppressed/depressed. I feel hopeful and like I have more control over my life.

Since my makeover, I've been wearing makeup every day again. Betty was right. It does make you feel a whole lot better. Usually, I'll feel good and then decide to put makeup on and do my hair, not the other way around. Considering the way I was feeling for a long time, I didn't wear makeup except for those rare, good days. Once in awhile, there will be some break-through anxiety or "what if this is temporary?" type feelings. It's all part of the process though.

------------------------------
I've decided to check out the local Adult Mental Health office and see if they would give me the anxiety medication that I know will work for me. I've also decided to see what kind of funding I would qualify for to take medical front office classes. I want to do something towards my future and with Baby Boomers getting older, I know the medical field will be BOOMING. It's Summer so starting this time of the year would be great. The kids are on break. My mother isn't working so I should have access to the car. I'm feeling positive.

I heard this song on the radio the other day and it just, stuck with me. You HAVE to listen to it!

"Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am"

Ick

And the dog wakes me up at some God forsaken hour, again!.... May as well get some things off of my mind.

G and I got into a huge fight last night over yet another misunderstanding. He whispered me while I was in the middle of a battle ground. I didn't see it but after awhile he said "nvm" so I switched tabs to see what he said without the BG chatter. I messaged him back and he was so angry with me. When I told him what happened, he said he didn't believe me. I don't like being misunderstood so I took a picture and sent it to him and, well, it just went from there. He said that for someone who is trying to work towards a 2nd chance, I don't have my priorities straight. I'm paraphrasing. Then he said he doesn't know why he wastes his time. That hurt.

Then... I started crying. I was so angry, and fed up, and frustrated. I think everything I've been feeling over the past few weeks just came pouring out. He went to bed so I wrote him an email telling him everything I was feeling. I ended it with letting him know that he was going to lose me. I told him that I thought he was unfair, wrong, acted really uncool. I said that though I loved him and wanted to work things out, I'm not going to allow him to treat me this way. I said a bunch of other things and, I have to say, it was kind of all over the place, but, I said what I needed to say.

I was seriously fed up tonight. I cried so hard and then thought, why am I letting him do this to me? He's been distant and we've bickered before but tonight, he was just being mean and I was NOT okay with it.

During all of the texting, my cell was getting full. I have this habit of hoarding texts. Stuff from friends, family, Gbear that mean a lot to me get locked. So, after all of that, I decided to archive his texts on my Google Drive. I had saved all of the "I love you"'s and other such mushy stuff. I left off on April. I had to. I was starting to see where things started going badly and, I just didn't want to see it anymore. We went from being so in love to, him breaking up with me every time we had a misunderstanding. I'm starting to think he did it because he was afraid he'd get hurt. We were breaking up when things were at their best. Who does that?

I'm betting he doesn't reply, and walks away for good. Tomorrow is going to suck.

Creative Brainstorming

Sometimes, randomly, I wish I could do things I can't. Like... this morning, I woke up wishing I knew how to whittle. Every time I'm at Michael's, I look at the balsa wood and carving knives and think, "Could I do anything with those? Would I be able to make something beautiful or, would I end up with wood chips and a toothpick?" I have a friend who has carved Christmas ornaments for his wife. I think doing something like that would be fun.

I've wanted to learn how to make soap, or candles. I've always wanted to make a quilt. I want to make a random nine-patch quilt and then sew the intricate quilting patterns on it by hand, with a rack and a lot of needle and thread. My grandmother made quilts for every member of the family. I wish I still had mine.

I've always wanted to stencil a wall the way they do in India. They have stencils that are passed down from generation to generation, and they paint them instead of wallpapering.  When I get my place, I'm definitely doing this.

I'm going to get back into crocheting. I haven't told G this but, I want to make him an afghan for Christmas. His three favorite colors are red, blue and black, so I'm thinking of going with some deeper winter colors and a really dark grey only because it shows up better. He's also "cold blooded" and loves the heat so, I think it would be appropriate. I need to find a nice, masculine design though, so I'll be checking Ravelry. I think I'll start off small and make him a beanie. I've made them for the kids and they turn out really nice.

I've wanted to learn how to make a skirt. We found this really awesome and inexpensive fabric store in the next town over. It's one of those that always has something different in it because they buy remnants and discontinued fabric. They had a whole section on sheer fabric that I would love to make a top out of. I just wish I knew how to do all of that. I used to know how to sew but it's been so long. Hmm maybe I should start looking for patterns while I'm out, or learn how to make my own with some of the simple blouses I have. They also had lace panels that were really nice. A dollar a yard!

Ever since I started working on being more positive, I've been wanting to be creative. I pulled out my old craft box and sorted through it but didn't know where to start. I think I'll start on that beanie as soon as I get the yarn money and until then, play with what I have.

I need to add to my fortune cookie book too. I have the fortunes from when G and I went to eat and I wanted to add them in there. I made this book a long time ago and just keep adding fortunes into it. The quarter is on there to show size. I had this photo posted on an art site I had submitted it to. It's a small, hand bound book that I had put together and then covered in some fabric that my grandmother had left over from one of her projects. It makes me think of her and all of the sewing she used to do.

Who Knows

Well, I have a lot to catch up on. My net was down for a week!

Gar took me away for my birthday, for two days. It was so great! We did the touristy stuff when he was in town. I had a lot of fun and it was really nice.

The first night, I was so nervous. I woke up in the middle of a panic attack, and woke him up. I told him what was going on, and he scooted over, told me to sit with him and he held and rubbed my hands. After a bit he fell back asleep and I just held his hand and meditated. It helped a lot. The next morning, he didn't remember any of it. It's okay though. I took a picture of him holding onto my hands :) I know, that sounds weird. I kept thinking, I might never have that again and I wanted to capture the moment I guess.

The next day, we went to Denny's for my free birthday Grand Slam. Yum! The placemat had a word search on it and we raced to see who would get all of the words first. He won. I wanted to show him some of my town, so we did a lot of local things. I showed him one of the view spots. I was still very nervous and, just, anxious about a lot of things. I kept wanting to hold his hand or touch his face but, I held back. I guess I was afraid he would tell me to back off. I keep a lot to myself because I'm afraid of the rejection.

We went to a Chinese buffet for dinner. I've been telling him about it and, I wish we hadn't went there. Sometimes, it's really good. Sometimes... like that night.... it's just... not. The sushi and hot & sour soup were the best but, over all, we should have went to Hometown Buffet. Bad choice there.

I had the best birthday ever because he was here. I got exactly what I wanted. We didn't have to go anywhere or do anything. Just spending time with him, hearing him laugh, being whatever it is we are now, it was exactly what I wanted. Happy Birthday to me. :)

I'm still confused as to how things are between us. He told me that when I have my life together, if he's single, I still had a chance with him. I'm not even going to think about that at this moment in my life. I know he loves me. I miss him constantly, and I want him in my life. I have a lot to work on though.. That's going to have to come first. And if we don't get back together? I'm still going to do me, work on myself do what I need to do. For all I know, I'll come out of this and not want to be with anyone. I might be so happy that, I won't have time for a relationship. I'll be too busy doing whatever it is I'm doing and leading a full, productive, super awesome life!

Who knows.
 =================================

I've been working on things, catching up with people, and, I'll write some details tomorrow. I've been sleeping earlier lately. I actually fell asleep earlier but my phone woke me up. Turning the ringtone off now!

Good night!

Ahhhhhh *excited*

The next few days are going to be busy. We have two kids graduating and one who is just very perky and super active. The 12th is the last day of school. Luckily, I get to take a break from it all and spend it with G, if things go as planned. I'm excited, nervous, scared, but in a good way. I've been missing him.
==========================

We're switching from cable to satellite in a few days. In between we'll have 2 or so days without TV or internet. I'm going to lose my mind! Well not really. I'll have movies to catch up on, Minecraft. I can start learning how to do tatting. Yes, tatting. Not tattooing. This is old fashioned, lace crocheting type stuff. My grandmother did it. Most of the women in our family know how to do it. Now it's my turn. I hope I don't mess it up. I'd love to be able to make lace for my tops and other things.

Weekend Stuff

G told me last night that he's probably not coming up for my birthday. As sad as it makes me that he doesn't want to be here, it's kind of comforting that it was still on the table. I wish he would come. I miss him. I want to see him.

I know I'm not at my best. He met me when I was at the lowest point of my life. If we were to get back together, I don't think anything would have changed. I'd try to be there for him more. Lesson's have been learned. I'd make more time for the relationship. But until I'm out of this house and living my own life, things would still pretty much be the same. I think we'd just break up again. I really wish he'd show up, but that's me being selfish. I want him here.

=============================

I've been putting my foot down more with the kids lately and they're not happy. The arguing and talking back is really starting to wear on me. I know it's necessary and worth it though. I can't expect the kids to change some bad habits without a fight. The same goes for my mother. It's like I'm her mother sometimes. I tell her that certain things need to be done and that she needs to back me up on it. She sulks and has her own mini tantrum. That's too bad, sorry. Things need doing. Kids need boundaries. I'm tired of being the bad guy but, if it needs to be done, I have to do it. In the end, I think things will be a little less stressful.

============================

I really wish he'd change his mind...

I Need a Cleaning House Playlist

Sometimes, because we get really busy around here, the house starts to fall apart. I don't like it. I get easily overwhelmed when I look at all the things that need doing. I also get overwhelmed because sometimes I feel like I'm the only one doing them, and honestly, I usually am. Going along with the "no news the first hour after waking up" idea, I've decided that the room I sleep in needs to be a lot cleaner. I don't want to wake up and have the first thing I see be clothes on the floor, or something someone dropped and didn't bother to pick up. I want to wake up and ease into the day. I want to be able to do my new routines without thinking in the back of my mind about all of the other things that need doing. To me, a clean, clutter-free room means some peace of mind.

My plan for today was to get some fun stuff done on a few games that I play. It's Saturday. I'd like to have some fun before a hectic Sunday. I had also planned to clean the living room, half of the kitchen and all of the downstairs bathroom. I was ready to get started when people started asking if they could get rides around town. One kid had a weekend homework assignment that could be done at home. One kid wanted a ride to buy something he wants that can wait until tomorrow. My mother wanted a ride to the store. All important things. But, today, I really wanted to get this done. So I sighed, and told them, "This is my plan for the day. It needs doing and we can't keep putting it off. I'm sick of waking up to a mess so I'm cleaning. I've devoted my day to it. If you help me, we can get it done faster. If you don't, it's still getting done, all by me. It will take longer but this is the plan."

They're all angry at me for not jumping in the car and giving them rides. They're also angry at me for asking them to do work. Even my mother who said, "We'll help you. Come on kids! Let's all do something!" has done nothing. She's sitting outside on the lounge chair with the dog.

Right now, is my ten minute break between cleaning blitzes. I'm not just cleaning, I'm decluttering, and tossing things. I've even cleaned under the chair cushions! Well, breaks done! :D

No News is Good News

I need a new morning, wake up routine. In one of the programs I'm doing, it's said that the first hour after you wake up in the morning, you're in the alpha state. It's a brain wave state that is the most influential. You can think life changing thoughts and they will become part of your subconscious. Your subconscious well, subconsciously affects a lot of things like, gut decisions and, choices you make throughout the day. It also affects your self esteem, and what you create in your life in the long run.

One of the assignments on my check list is, don't watch the news, or take in negative things for the first hour after you wake up. Sometimes it can't be helped. But on those days when you're in full control of how you wake up, you have to learn to change things up. For instance, when I wake up, I'll wash my face, brush my teeth, and then sit in front of the computer checking email and Facebook. Right off, I'm bombarded by negativity. So, new morning routine coming up. I'm not sure how I'll change it up but I'm willing to try this for awhile and see how it makes me feel throughout the day.

Another thing I'm going to be working on now that I'm doing the Flylady thing again is, cleaning house in the early evening. Waking up to any type of clutter, and mess stresses me out lately. I wake up fine, and then I sit up, open my eyes and just feel tired again thinking about what needs straightening up. Or I sit there mad at the kids for getting clothes and papers everywhere and not cleaning up after themselves. I think they need a new morning routine too!

-----------------------------
I still miss G. I text him now and then but, I don't want to be pushy or clingy. I don't want to chase him away. I had a dream about him the other night. We were the way we are now. Around each other but not communicating or talking. Just, there. I was missing him, and he knew it. As angry as he was and distant, I think he missed me too. In the dream, he gave me a piece of paper, a note. On it he had written down something helpful and encouraging. It was a way to make things right. Within seconds of waking up, I had forgotten what it said :( It was two sentences, and it was actually something simple, that I knew because of what I know about him. I really need to keep a notebook next to my bed.

Flylady pt 3

I keep talking about how I miss the person I used to be. I used to have a lot more fun. I used to be stronger, braver, spontaneous, POSITIVE. No matter how bad things could be, or how much "life" happens, I was always able to pull myself out of it. When things went bad in other people's lives, they came to me to help them out of it. I was the go-to person. Somewhere during my venture, I became the where-do-I-go person. I felt so lost, and I didn't know what to do anymore. I don't like it.

I've been reading old journals, talking to old friends, and discussing this with people who love me. I'm looking for any insight into who I was, why I was so happy, and if I could be that way again. I used to be a self-motivator. G would get so irritated when I'd say "used to be", because then is not now. I used to get so frustrated with him but he's right. Who I am now is who I am, until I can evolve into who I'm going to be. Well, I've been working on it. (That phrase irritated him too.)

I've decided to focus on three programs that I used to do back when I was at my best. Raising my special-needs son was hard, and I'd use my research skills to find structure and guidance that worked for me. It would keep me less frazzled and stressed so I could focus on other things. The programs didn't make me happy. They were work. But, knowing I had some control in my chaotic life helped a lot and allowed me to save my energy for the other immediate things.

The first one I'm going to focus on is the Flylady system. I've written about this before, and I always get good results with this. It's a cleaning schedule/system that isn't just about cleaning. It's about doing things around the home, that make home a pleasant place to be. You declutter, clean and organize your home and other things, while learning to love yourself more in the process. You do this to keep your stress level down. You do this to show love to your family. You do this because sometimes, life gets in the way and you don't have it in yourself to organize a plan for keeping your home, well, a home. Instead it's just the place where you live that you have to constantly work on, and it becomes a negative.

I'm staggering the programs so that I'm starting one a week for the next three weeks. I thought that way I wouldn't overwhelm myself, and by the time I start the next one, the first one will be easier. Here's to week 1!

Busy Busy

The beginning of the month is always busy. I run a lot of errands. Bills get paid. I take my son grocery shopping. I like to get as much as I can done at once. It saves on gas, time, and my sanity.

Last night, I was talking to someone who had meditative music on while he was studying his Bible. He had so many notebooks around him. He reads, takes notes and meditates on what it means in his life and to him. Why it's all relevant. I used to do that when I was a kid and I was going to regular religious meetings. I always took notes. I'd write the talk subject, who gave it, date, and take notes and write down scriptures. Throughout the week, I'd go over it and do a bit of research.

To me, the Bible was so many different things. A moral compass, a story book. It had important lessons, proverbs, letters to people that were important for the time they were in. Even if it didn't have anything to do with my life, I found it interesting. There were a lot of questionable things in there but I took the good with the not so good.

Hmm, what else has been going on... Oh, I've been playing some Minecraft. I have 3 friends who have servers, and I jump on all of them depending on if anyone's on or not. One friend is all about building machines. He loves redstone and is always showing me his latest inventions. I had a farm going and he automated it. He just built me a shooting gallery! There are zombie/skeleton spawners at the top, and water bringing them down. They get to a certain point and there's a lava drop down, so they can't hurt me much. My job is to... save them from lava hell! It's great! The skeleton spawner is thrown in to turn it up a level. I'm having fun with it.

My other friend has a nice server that most of her friends get to jump on. I've met some cool people and they all help each other in game. One girl has this really cool, tiered house. Each level is something different. There's a flower garden, tree farm, a nice portal room... I love seeing what people have built in Minecraft.

I'm going to bed later than I planned to. I'm usually in bed by 11:30 at the latest. The last two nights I've been going to bed later but, I've been really anxious. I still wake up early though so I know it will fix itself. So, going to put my dog in her spot, and sleep. zzzzzZZZZzzz

P.S. Still miss him.

Long Night

G and I talked last night. He has no faith in me. That's okay. He hasn't seen me at my best. I know what I'm capable of. I have faith in myself. Sometimes, it takes being stripped down to nothing to find it inside yourself to be powerful. I look at what my life has become in the last 3 years and, this is rock bottom for me. My anxiety. My avoidance issues. My trying to avoid anxiety...

I know what I have to do.

I Need A Random Subject Generator

WoW is not as fun anymore. I don't think I'll be renewing my subscription, which is sad to me, because I really do enjoy the game. It's just not the same though without G. We had specific things we would do together that made the whole experience better. I can play it alone. I have been. But, I mainly got back on to play with him.

He had asked me before I got back on, to play with him. I knew my family would take up a lot of my time, so I had said no. After awhile, K had wanted to get back into the game and had asked me to use my free trial time with him. K has a lot of mental/emotional problems and, I had wanted to be supportive. I wanted him to get back on because I knew that for awhile, it made him happy. So, I started playing. He offered to buy me the expansion if he was going to get it for himself, but I knew he wouldn't. I had hoped he would for his sake but, mentally, he can't handle a lot, and to him, the MMO experience is really difficult. When I had gotten back on, few other friends kept asking me to buy the expansion and get back in the game. I saw that G was glad I was back on. That made me happy too.

I let JC buy me the expansion. I had always felt bad about that. G wanted to buy it for me, but, JC had bought things for me before, and I had never let G buy me anything. I've always had an issue with letting friends buy me things, or pay my way for anything. I almost have to suck it up and just let them, and hope it doesn't eat away at me. I don't even tell them when it does.I let G pay for my game time that month.

For months, it was just G and myself. Azeroth was "our" world, where we could hang and have fun since he lived 3 hours away. We had tasks in game, things we conquered together. We worked together to improve and have fun. Now, there's no point. I can play with other people. I have guildies and friends who play, but, I miss him too much. I see his name online and it makes me want to talk to him but I can't. The few times I have, he ignores me because now I'm just another player to him. It hurts. It really does. Maybe I'm being a big baby about this but I can't help it. This is my emotional make up and, I am who I am. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Why don't I just quit now? Because I still want to be where he is, even if it's not with him.When did I become this big puss? Gee...

Excited!

Today, I'm co-adopting the girls. I'm excited, nervous, and scared. This is a huge deal. As of 1:30pm today, I will be the mother of two girls. They've been like my children since the day they were born. I love them, and I've taken care of them when their mother's couldn't. I used to go over and make sure they were fed, clean, had clean clothes. I'd clean their homes. When it became a safety issue though, they were taken away from their mother. Now, they're going to be partially mine, indefinitely. I wonder if anything is going to change, or if it's going to feel the same as it does right now. Guess I'll find out later :)


P.S. -
I still miss him.

*rawr*

On Day 2 of TTL and I'm still in a stuck phase. I'm adding positive things into my life. I'm finding resources that will help me to focus on what I want to do. I seek out support where I can. But I'm coming from a place where, I'm at my worst and my weakest. I have to do this though, to get out of this hole. My ex, A reminded me that I used to be a lot tougher. I was once able to claw my way out of any situation that didn't make me happy. I made things happen. I can be that way again. I know it's inside me. Deep inside me, buried under the stress of the last 3 years. Here's to clawing.

*breathes*

I love him. I miss him. But my gut knows that this is the right thing, for so many reasons. I loved having him in my life, and I wish he still were. It's not a good thing though. Because in the end, I will have always been 2nd choice. He will always choose her. Even if I had been everything he tried to change me into, eventually he would have left me. So fine. you can have the girl you wanted first, but she won't be me. I have huge issues, and I have a lot going on in my life, but I loved him. I respected him. I had faith in him. I supported him, and I was there for him. In the end, I distanced myself when I realized that without a doubt, I would lose him, soon.

And I'm sorry babe but I am a WORD PERSON. Actions mean something too but I need words. I need reassurances. Why did it always have to be YOUR way? I tried showing you that I was doing what I said I was doing, but I couldn't always do that. You're not here. You didn't see me doing all I was, and when I would TELL you about it, you'd throw it back at me like, "not good enough". It got to the point where I quit telling you things because I really didn't want the rejection.

You expected me to do all of these things that would make you feel secure, because you were worried about losing me too. But I was the one who never even had you. How is that fair? I changed things! What did you change? I loved that you did try to be more patient but, you just couldn't do it. Love, real love, is the most unselfish feeling you can feel. It doesn't mean sacrificing who you are. It means, making compromises, and being flexible, and learning to love and live with another imperfect human being.

I admit, I fucked up in a big way, and I am fucked up in a big way. My panic attacks may never go away. My willingness to bend over backwards to avoid conflict might never go away either. But My Love, you were an imperfect human too. And I loved and wanted you unconditionally. All I wanted was the same in return.

(I'm guessing I'm in the anger phase?)

I'd Rather Miss You

Something woke me up, but I should be asleep again soon. When I was waking up, I heard this song in my head, that I haven't listened to in a really long time.

I'd Rather Miss You
I could forget you
I could make new plans
Find someone to help me
Spend this time on my hands
I could pick up the pieces
Even fall in love again
But until I do
I'd rather miss you
And live with the memories
The nights when you held me
Will carry me through
And if I have to choose
Between living without you
And learning to love someone new
Then I'd rather miss you

What Are My Values?

I used to read a lot of beliefnet's articles, because I found them to be inspiring. I was browsing the site hoping to find something that would keep me in good spirits or make me think. I found this. It's an article about being your own life coach. I've been working a lot lately on self-discipline, and taking responsibility for the choices I make.

The first few slides are about listening to your body and asking yourself questions. Slide 4 asked, "What are my values?" I didn't really have an answer. I know I have some! I didn't really know how to define a value. I started thinking of the Fruitages of the Holy Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness and self control. (I still know them by heart.) I'm not sure if those are values. I do try to focus on them now and then, what they mean, and how they're all genuinely good. Finally I decided to look up lists. So far, this is what I have:

• honesty
• integrity
• achievement
• humor
• creativity
• bravery
• gratitude
• education
• abundance
• tolerance
• compassion
• decorum
• decency
• dependability
• duty
• efficiency
• logic
• empathy
• encouragement
• environmentalism
• obeying laws
• fairness
• balance
• flexibility
• friendship
• conservation

This really made me think about what I as a person was all about. I hadn't thought about it for a long time. Bravery is a tough one for me but I admire it when I see it. I admire brave people, and people who are courageous, who face big things, even if they might fail. I need to work on that one.

I'm going to keep thinking about this. I'm glad I found this!

Rosebud

I'm going to bed 20 minutes later than planned but, I don't think it will hurt me. As long as I wake up at or before 9:30, I'm content.

I didn't do too much today. I did talk to my big sister for awhile. Her nickname is Rosebud so I'll just refer to her as such. My big sister is awesome. She is no doubt, my favorite relative. She's supportive, funny, cheerful. She has the best attitude, no matter what is going on. I love her. She's battled stomach cancer and survived it. She eats through a tube but she loves life so much. She dresses up every day because to her, every day is a celebration. She found out that she has cervical cancer now, and, she's confident she'll beat that too. I really hope so. The world needs more people like her in it. I need her too. She's raising 3 children that rely on her 100%. She's the strongest woman I know. I aspire to be more like her. Definitely an inspiration to me.

I'm going to turn the lights out and get under these blankets. Good night, universe! <3 br="">

...

He used to think that I did fine without him because I would keep myself busy. I'd find people to do stuff with. I'd talk to friends about what I was feeling. I'd play games with other people so I could quit thinking about how I was doing them alone. I used to wonder how he could possibly think that I was fine without him.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part"

Other times...

I'm really not doing very well with this. Sometimes, I feel okay. And then, I'll be in the car, driving. Something will make me think about him, and I'll cry. I cried :( I started thinking about how badly I screwed up. I thought about how I had a really great guy, and I lost him. I thought about the good things too. The way we fell asleep together when he was here. I thought about so many things.

I want him :(

Last night, M called me on Skype to see how I was doing. I told him everything I was thinking and feeling. He said I need to tell G how I feel but, I know he doesn't want to hear from me. He's done. I'll get through this. I just need a lot of time.

Tuesdays....

It's Tuesday. I was always so excited for Tuesdays. Those were the days Gbear and I would spend time online getting stuff done. It was one of OUR things. I looked forward to it. I'd have fun with it. I'd die a lot, and fail hard but, it was still fun for me, because I was doing it with him. I used to love seeing his name pop up on my heals :D ...Today just sucks. I wish he'd say, "I was waiting. Are we going to do this?"

I started to get so busy, even in the mornings. My family makes a lot of demands on me, and he was starting to get sick of it. I understood, and oddly enough, it was one of the things I loved about him. He knew what he wanted, and if he wasn't happy, he sure wasn't going to act happy. He had high expectations, even for me.

I think I'm going to wait til later. If I see him doing his stuff, without me, it's going to hurt, a lot.

In Other News...

I've been leveling another Alliance character on World of Warcraft for the past few days. It's a level 22 Shaman. (Yeah, I know, I'm slacking.) I had started a shaman before. She only got to level 35 and then after while, I deleted her. I was leveling her with my friend, Joy, who had left the game. I had other toons (characters) to work on so I just let her go.

A good friend of mine asked me to bring my two level 90's into his guild to help level it. I really liked the guild they were already in. I had wanted to make another Alliance toon anyway beforehand, to play with Gar, so I had already had a class in mind.

I'm taking my time with this one, doing quests, getting professions up as I level. I know a few people who would cringe at that idea but, I'm content :)

Still Accidentally Calling Him My Boyfriend

My birthday... I had planned on spending time with him. I wanted it for the both of us. I was saving money. I had made sure that my family knew I wouldn't be around. I was looking around town for something that might be fun, even if one of the ideas was just checking out the local card shops. He had asked for time off of work. What would have made my day was seeing him. I haven't kissed him for what feels like forever.

I wish he'd just show up that day. He'll be on my mind. Even if we don't talk for a long time, I'll be sitting here wishing he were here.

I Wish I Didn't Think Too Much

I'm not sure how I feel anymore. I go through all 5 stages of the grieving process around 4 times a day. Sadness, bargaining, anger, denial, acceptance in any of those orders. I was looking it up and... wow. So many articles on getting over the ending of a relationship.

This one on Psychology Today says:  "...the end of a relationship is like experiencing a death, of sorts.  Even if you are the one that initiated the breakup and believe that the breakup is the best thing for all involved, letting go of a relationship follows the same process as mourning a death."

Yeah, no kidding. Then it goes on to say, about the denial phase: "In this phase our heart rather than our head rules our belief system as we try to adjust to the idea of life without the person we’re losing. Even though we know the relationship is over, we really don’t believe it.  Against the better judgment of everyone around us, we can’t help but entertain fantasies of things somehow working out. We see hidden glimmers of hope buried in clear indications that it’s over.  Yes, this is the phase where we are most susceptible to late night texting."


Apparently I'm in the DENIAL phase... yay? I can't even say that this time I couldn't help it. Because honestly, I DO want to talk to him, right now! I miss him. I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I miss knowing that this super awesome, fun, smart, loving person was mine to love. I miss us... :(

.... Stay tuned for the next phase.

The bottom line is, I messed up. I let my relatives get in the way of our relationship. I let my avoidance of conflict get in the way of our relationship. I let my fears and anxiety issues get in the way of our relationship. In the process, I let him down and I hurt him, badly enough so that he doesn't know if he even wants to speak to me again. How do I fix this?!

Missing You Was Not What I Had Planned...

In the morning, the dog wakes me up by barking at the paper delivery people. This is one of the moments when I miss Gar the most. I used to text him before going back to sleep, to tell him to have a good day at work. I want to text him now but, I told him we needed some time. I'm trying to be strong, like he always told me I should be. :(

Keeping the Faith

Today is Sunday, and it feels like a really good day to do something good for myself. Every day is, but for some reason, Sunday being the first day of the week, it just feels more do-able.

Karen (KPA) and I were talking yesterday about how I haven't felt like my genuine self for a long time. When I moved in with my mother, I was already dealing with the post-traumatic stress of living with an unstable, potentially violent, mentally ill person. My son. I was there to regroup, find a job, and get back on my feet. I had a 3 month plan. What I didn't anticipate was the added stress of living there.

I had two drug addict sisters who would come by often and cause a lot of drama. There were children that needed taking care of. I had to deal with several types of personalities that were nothing like what I was used to. I took on a lot of work in helping to raise the kids. There were so many more factors involved. All of that combined was very damaging to me.

I went in with enthusiasm, hoping to bring some positivity into the situation. Instead, due to my already weakened state, I internalized the negativity. I let it push me down and oppress me. Then, I stayed in that oppressed state for way too long. Three years.

For the past few months, I've been getting reaquainted with myself slowly. I've been reading past journals from up to 10 years back. I've been remembering all of the things that made me happy. Raising a special-needs child entirely by yourself, with no resources... You find things that make life easier. You do things that help you maintain your sense of well being.

Part of the problem was, as I started to feel the stress pile on, and things started bringing me down, I didn't enjoy any of the things that used to make me happy. I quit doing them. I quit talking to people that I loved and who kept me in good spirits. My life started to revolve around people who were not healthy. There's a saying, something like, "You are the sum of the 5 people you surround yourself with the most." I read that about a month ago and it hit me right between the eyes. I thought, "but I have some positive people in my life too. I have my boyfriend. I have this person and that person." Then I realized, some of those people, I haven't even spoken to in maybe 3 years. Without really realizing it, I started talking to people who were a positive influence on me, less and less. That realization was very unnerving.

I used to do a lot of creative things. I made hand-bound books. I loved the creative process that went with picking out papers, color coordinating, putting it all together. It was so relaxing for me. I used to write poetry. I've been reading some of it lately too and I was actually kind of good. I used to cook really delicious meals and enjoy what I was eating. I'm a great cook! I live with people who not only don't appreciate it, but complain about it. Who doesn't like healthy, delicious food? Well, these people.

I not only lost the desire to do anything pleasureable, but I lost whatever confidence I had in myself. I used to LOVE myself. I still like myself, but, I don't take care of myself as if I loved myself.  *sighs*

This is where I am right now. At the cusp of something, but I'm not sure what it is. I feel a bit anxious about it. I feel excited too. I want to hold onto this energy and build up some momentum, and go with it. So here's to keeping the faith, or rather, building up that faith again.

Letting Go

Well, that was a rough past few days. I'm a sensitive person, I tend to feel everything deeply and then, mellow out. I love him. I miss him, but I'm fine.

Looking back, there were a lot of things I would have liked to have done differently. Because I knew it wasn't a relationship that was going to last "forever", I held back a lot, and let my fears get in the way. I should have told him how I was feeling. I didn't want to worry him or stress him out, so I kept it to myself.

Things that worked in our favor and for our relationship:
We could be totally open with each other.
We had the same sense of humor and our personalities complimented each other.
We showed love much as we could.
We tried hard to work things out until we couldn't.
We had common activities that we would do together.
We both learned from each other.
We supported each other in important matters.

Things that didn't work:
The distance. Only 3 hours but, I don't have my own car.
Too many misunderstandings due to the distance.
My family and anxiety issues got in the way of what I really wanted to bring to the relationship.
Despite being able to be open, we had communications issues because of our walls and fears.
Neither of us are mind readers. That might have helped!

I've learned a lot from this relationship. I'm done with dating for now, so, I will take the time and be alone for awhile. I want to work on things, and truth be told.... I want to become better than the person I used to be. I miss who I used to be.

5-23

I woke up missing him. As much as it hurts not having him in my life, I know that he did what he felt was right.

------------------------------------------
later...
I know I'll be okay, but it's not really a consolation. Not only that, I don't want to just be okay. I want to be happy, and I was happy with him.

-----------------------------------------
even later....
 "In the beginning, I never thought it would be you..."

I shouldn't have taken him for granted. I didn't do it intentionally. Life was getting so busy, and things were going on, and I thought, "He loves me. He'll understand if for a little bit, I don't have a lot of time." 

-----------------------------------------
I have what's called a 'text dump' on my desktop. It's a text file that I open, and paste in anything I don't want to forget. I don't delete things from it, and I archive it every so often. It's actually pretty huge. Created in August, 2011. I was about to paste something and saw this:

him: i told u i loved u right?
me: uh huh :D
him: good :3
me: love you too babe *kisses*
him: gotta make sure u take ur ILY vitamins 10times a day =D
him: *kisses* and ur kisses medicine at least 50times a day =o
me: I might die without them!
him: lol
him: that would be bad =o


Time for sleep. I need some good dreams.