I Really Don't Care

There are a lot of things I would like to change about myself. My anxiety/panic issues. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I don't like how much weight I've gained in the past year. I really want to get my teeth done if I can save up for it. I can be selfish sometimes, and way too silly. I think too much. (and so on and so on)

For the most part though, I actually like myself, a lot. I like that I'm weird, and quirky. I like that I can come up with one-liners like nothing. I like that I can walk into an empty kitchen and come out with yummy stuff. I like that I'm helpful and, can make someone's situation a bit better. I like that I can read a book in a night.

I'm tired of having issues with people who have issues with who I am. I really don't care anymore. Life is too fucking short.

Stop Sometimes Means Pause

I have so much going on right now but, I can't seem to organize it all in my head.

** My mother was finally told by the apartment managers that my sister's aren't allowed on the property. I know I probably sound like a terrible person saying this but, that is a huge relief. One sister causes me so much anxiety with her drama, stealing, acting out in front of the children. She is the most negative, angry person and she takes it out on everyone around her. Her son has been having a lot of anxiety issues lately since she's been coming around again. We don't need that around the home.

** "Broke up" with my non-boyfriend again. It seems like every time things are going well and we're talking about maybe stepping things up, or, whenever we feel really close, he starts a fight. He says things he shouldn't, and just, pushes me away.

What did we fight over? My sleep habits. He wants me to fix my sleep so I can get a job and move out. I want the same things! But, it seems to stress him out more than it does me, and it's MY sleep issue! So, he said he was tired of my issues and that it really "grinds his gears" that I can't stay focused, and that "shit's getting old". And... I said that I'm not forcing him to deal with it, and that he doesn't even have to. That's I'm a grown woman who can take care of myself. I told him that I don't want to lose him but if he's not happy, I wouldn't make him stay. So, he took the 'out'.

I always do that, give a guy an out. I open the door for them to just, go. Then when they do, I don't handle it very well. It's too bad. I really do care about him and want him in my life. I'm crazy like that!

I'll write more later. I have some Spring cleaning I need to get back to, and I'm all out of toast and coffee.

Dreaming is Free

I had a dream last night that had me waking up feeling positive. In my dream, I found my dream job. It doesn't exist in reality. I can't even really describe it. I only remember that there were a LOT of books,  computers, big tables with even bigger books laid out on them, and a lot of cool, positive people around helping each other. I'm not sure what the job was but I remember being ecstatic about it, and looking forward to it. In my dream, I was still me. I still had panic attacks. I still had a lot of fears. I was still living with my family. But, the people I worked with didn't mind or have an issue with it. They were nurturing and really wanted me to succeed. I felt at home there.

I'm not sure what that means. Maybe it means that I know there's a place for me out there somewhere, where I feel good about myself and about life. Maybe it means that if I can feel these feelings in a dream, that they're possible. Maybe it means that, if this situation, or this environment doesn't exist, I can one day create it. It doesn't have to be the exact environment of course since I had no idea what it was exactly, but, something like it. I don't know. I just.... feel good :D

"I never met him, I'll never forget him."

Jeffery Deaver - The Coffin Dancer

One of my favorite movies is The Bone Collector. I'm not quite sure why. There's nothing special about it, but I really liked the characters. The two main characters are Lincoln Rhyme (played by Denzel Washington), and Amelia Sachs (played by Angelina Jolie). It's a thriller/mystery. There are a lot of forenzics and CSI type stuff going on in the movie. I think that part fascinates me because, I can't imagine ever having the frame of mind to be able to do something like that.

I found out awhile back that the movie was based on a novel by Jefferey Deaver. I've never read any of his books, or heard anything about him, but I wanted to check this out. I went to find the ebook and discovered that there is a series based on Lincoln Rhymes. Awesome :D

I just finished my 2nd book of the series and I loved it! It had all of the forensic facts, information about flying Lear jets, a great story, some romance... I'd definitely recommend this series to anyone who loves mystery novels or thrillers. And definitely check out The Bone Collector on film.  I'm off to read book three!