Quick One

I woke up in a better mood :) I'm not sure what the deal is. The emotional rollercoaster has only been going on this past year. I had been depressed before but it was always anxiety related. Not this dismal, numb, empty feeling. Or the painful, and deep sadness.

When I feel good, life is good. I can get things done. I have energy. I think I should go get some stuff done now while I can.

The sadness is back. I'm going to get in bed, read my book and try to sleep. Good night Universe.

The Staff Room

The day I quit BB's, I was parked in the back waiting for the palace's owner to get on so I could tell her I was leaving. I wanted to thank her for wizzing me up and having my back when I needed it. I was doing other things, peeked in, and saw this :) This is the first time GG has ever went in the back with me and sat with me. I thought it was sweet.

This made me think of two things. One is.... My ex always accused me of parking in the back with GG, and, we had never had until 10-17-17. All of his accusations and telling me I was doing things I wasn't. I used to feel so, low and dirty when I wasn't even doing anything wrong. I didn't even know GG at the time. It made me feel defensive, or like I was going to get caught doing something I shouldn't be. Then I remembered, I'm not with someone like that anymore.

The other thing I thought about was, look at how far GG and I have come. Just a month ago, we weren't even sitting together. Now, he comes to me. He seeks me out and wants to be next to me. I saw him, *held his hand* and I was happy. I'm a very lucky woman.

Those popcorn boxes are from when I'd go watch Netflix and then come back and park in this room. I wonder if anyone will ever clean them up. That av in the corner was a gift from a friend. I put it out to keep me company when I parked. Roo doesn't go back there anymore. Tingles doesn't either. And now, I won't either.

I have two palaces to leave now. The last one, S&L, I'm not in a hurry to leave. Maybe I won't, and I'll be okay just popping in now and then. I'll keep thinking on it.

P.S. When am I going to stop thinking about the ex? It should be soon, right?

Sleepy Babbling 10-19-17

I had a long talk with Icey again. We talked about GG and the kind of man he is. That he appreciates me and the things I do and how I am. That he's a good man who deserves someone who loves with all she has like I do. That he needs someone like me who will build him up, push him forward, have his back and support him. And we also talked about how I need someone who is and does all of those things too.
She said that even if I don't feel this deep, crazy love with him, that that's okay. That as time goes by, we'll have something better and stronger. He's told me the same thing too. That he doesn't want to be IN love. That he wants something better than that, that takes it's time and becomes, this amazing, deep, pure love.

I just need to learn to not be afraid of getting hurt. Not every man will break my heart, or make me feel low, and like I'm nothing. Not every man will lie to me, cheat on me, or abandon me. She said a lot of things to help me with this too. I'm too sleepy to write it out.

I'm going to get in bed with my comic. It's getting really good. Good night, Universe :)

Quick Post 10-19-17

I was reading over some of the entries from the past few days. Thank goodness I did. Typos everywhere! I hope I fixed them all.

Today is a quiet day. I'm going to go get some laundry done and then grab lunch. I want to get everything done before the kids get home. I'm going to make fish and veggies for dinner, and then watch more Daredevil.

I Need a Hero

I'm watching Daredevil on Netflix. It's a TV show, not a movie and there are 2 seasons. It has the adorable actor that plays Tristan on Stardust. I've been wanting to watch this for awhile but I kept putting it off.

It's time for a new hero. Superman is not the hero he used to be. I don't think he ever was.

I had a nice night and now I'm ready for bed. Good night, Universe.

A Hope in Hell

This is one of the pages from the comic I'm reading now, Sandman. So far it's really good. Constantine was in the last issue. I've always liked that character. In the next issue, we're going to go to hell and meet someone else.

GG and I had a long talk earlier. I think things are going to be changing soon. I'll be okay. I'm always okay, right?

Waking Up

I woke up to GG being online :) We talked some, and he showed me some of his work type stuff.  He went out to get some things done so I'm going to head out too and we'll meet this afternoon. Then a kid has an appointment later and I have a few things to take care of. I won't be online much.

It's getting easier to be off of palace. I'm sure I'll miss it after awhile. I need to be around people when things are bad. Any chance of running into the ex and his chick make it not worth it though. People keep asking me to get back on but I can't do it.

I had a long talk with his sis, Icey, earlier. It helped a lot and, she helped me realize a few things. I hope he treasures her. She's probably one of the only people who are truly on his side. I have a feeling he's going to need her soon.

Monday Movie Night

I had a really nice night for the most part. Monday is Movie Nights at S&L and I haven't been to one in over a year. The way it works is, we vote on a type of movie, horror, scifi, romance, comedy etc. There were more votes for sci-fi so, someone picked a sci-fi movie.

I had to head out so I caught up when I got back. GG was on, and I sat with him and watched. I didn't know what was going on in the movie and neither did he, but we had fun just sitting together and making fun of what was going on in it :D

It was a cheesy horror/sci-fi movie called Cabin in the Woods. I can't even explain it since I saw it halfway through. But apparently some zombies and monsters attacked some people in a cabin in the woods, and bad stuff happened. Hilariously bad stuff happened. Haha.

During all of this, I my Skype was blowing up. Some deep drama was going on in one of the groups I'm in, and, it was really bad. I think I'm going to stick to home for awhile. I'd leave Palace but, I have GG.

GG told me he was looking up and learning about my son's illnesses, in case he meets him and gets to shake his hand some day. It really touched me that he would do that. It shows he really takes an interest in my life, and cares about what I care about. He puts 100% into the relationship like I do, and thinks about his partner.

I'm going to try to get in bed earlier than usual and read some of this new comic. Good night Universe.

Human Diary

The other night, some friends on Palace told me I needed to hear this song. They said "put on your player and listen". They insisted on it. I thought it was weird. Then I heard the words...

Danielle Bradbery - Human Diary

You knew which parts of my body I was insecure about
You knew what I thought about all my friends when they weren't around
You knew which days I was praying, the days that I wasn't
I told you everything

You knew how to make me weak in a good way and in a bad
You knew the up's and down's in my relationship with my dad
Oh, and damn how I hate it
That you know me naked
I gave you everything

Cause you were my human diary
So when you left, you didn't just leave
No, you took all my secrets with you
You took all my secrets with you
Now you're with someone else
And thinking 'bout it hurts like hell
And you got all my secrets with you
You took all my secrets with you

Now you've got a piece of the secret parts of me
Now my secrets are in another girl's bed

Sisters

My sis came to see me at home. We caught up some, talked some stuff out. I didn't tell her that I'm leaving palace for awhile. I know she'll be hurt. She'll be okay. She knows how to reach me if she needs me I think.

Deleted, Done and Gone

I found out last night that Jett and his girlfriend decided to share something I told him privately, because they wanted me to be booted from a group and for people to not like me. He actually screen capped what I said and they went to one of her friends and showed her what I said, and then that went to the owner of the group/Palace.

When I found out, I was so hurt. I never thought he would ever do something so low and damaging to me. Her yes, him no. He's going to come up with a bunch of garbage in his head as to why it's okay that he did this but, it's not okay. It will never be okay, and he will never be able to fix this. This made him look so bad in my eyes. The next time he says he's not the bad guy, I will remember this. The next time he says she's a good person or a good woman, I will remember what she did and why. Nothing he tells me now will ever change my mind.

I think what hurt the most was, the reason I told him what I did was, I was feeling really bad and depressed, like I wanted to die. I don't get feelings like that, and I wasn't going to tell him that that's what was going through my head. He told me I could go to him and he'd be there for me so I did. I told him I feel alone, and that I don't fit in anywhere. I named some pallys and said why I didn't feel I fit in. He never replied. Later that night, his girlfriend deleted me from skype, and when I asked him why, he acted like a coward and blocked me.

I'm hurt, and angry. I could say so much, and reveal so much about them both that would hurt them too but, I'm better than that. That is not the kind of woman I am.

On the bright side, since I will never speak to him again, I won't have to hear him bitch about what I write on my blog. Also, I talked to the pally owner, and other people involved. I told them why I said what I did, and we're all fine. Then, I told Jett how angry and hurt I am. I left him texts and I really don't care if he read them or not. After that, I deleted him from Skype, and my life.

I'm going to be hurt for awhile. I hate losing friends, especially the person who was supposed to be my best friend. He wasn't a friend though. He was just someone who used me when he needed a friend, because he pushed everyone else away. He lost a good friend.

[10/8/2017] .J.™: we are on team
[10/8/2017] .J.™: you and I
[10/8/2017] .J.™: and everyone know that
[10/8/2017] .J.™: no matter who tried to tear us apart
[10/8/2017] .J.™: i have learn my mistake  but this time we will stick togethers

More lies...

Something On My Mind

I appreciate the real and true friends I have. I know who truly has my back. Surprisingly, it's not who you would expect.

I'm going to be upset for awhile, but, I'll be okay. I'll always be okay, right?

I'm going to go make dinner, then find something to keep my mind and my heart off of things. I'll write more later.

I don't know why I hurt so much. I feel like there's a hole in the middle of me. I've felt like this for a long time, but tonight, it hurts. It's a hole that hurts. How is that possible? Like the part that's not there, is what hurts. I really wish it would stop.

10-11-17

I'm still not feeling well, but, I've been trying not to dwell on it. Instead I've been keeping myself busy. I've also been putting my energy into helping friends with things they need.

Dingleberry messaged me out of nowhere the other night. He's going through a really bad break up with a girl he's been with for 3 years. I feel so bad for him. He's only 25, and he already thinks that love isn't worth the pain.

He asked if he could call over Skype and we talked. I remembered going through this with him with his last girlfriend when he was around 20. He cried so hard over both girls. I know that pain. Hopefully anything I've said to him helps him some.

Today was a long day and tomorrow is going to be busy too.

*big smile*

¯.No§i._: I'm cleaning out some of my av edit folders while I sip my tea
¯.No§i._: sometimes I look at these and think, "when was I ever going to wear this
 GG: what, too much skin?
 ¯.No§i._: lol some. and some are just, not my style
 GG: *kiss* what's your style
 ¯.No§i._: that is a very good question. I dont even know if I've established that I have one
 GG: I do... brunettes that are elegant and modest
 ¯.No§i._:  :)
 ¯.No§i._: sounds about right

I love that he thinks highly of me. It makes me feel respected, appreciated. It invalidates the negatives I hear from people who think they know me but don't, or people who have twisted thinking about people in general. 

...And You Let Her Go

I went to SC before bed so I can not just lay in bed and think. Someone played this song. I always liked it but I never paid a lot of attention to the lyrics.

Passenger - Let Her Go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

 
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

 

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Love comes slow and it goes so fast

 
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep

 

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

2:30am

I don't feel anything anymore but depression and anxiety. Do you know how confusing it is to feel nothing, but have your heart pounding and your chest hurting at the same time?

It's 2:30am and I'm not even tired. I screwed my sleep up again, really bad. I was trying to be there for a friend who ended up accusing me of  something I didn't do, later on in the day. I'm starting to give up on people. I'm starting to not care about them, or love them, or share with them, or give any part of myself to them. I feel like all anyone is going to do, is treat me like he does. I don't know if I can live like that. I don't want to be like him. He has no friends :(

I'm slowly quitting everything. I'm on Palace less and less. I've blocked most of the people on my Skype besides my top 10. My boyfriend is really busy with work so I haven't told him any of this, and I won't. He'll worry about me.

I'm losing my faith... in myself, in people, in God, in life, in love. I need to somehow break out of this feeling before it's too late.

Latest Thoughts

GG got on for awhile today. I told him how I've been feeling and he listened and hugged me. I felt... numb, but, I know I care about him so I didn't push him away. After he went to bed, I just tried to relax and keep my mind busy.

I got on palace a few times. When I'm down, I try to stick to what I'm used to and hope that I sort of snap out of it. I used to get so angry at Jett for telling me that I wasn't depressed because I didn't handle it the same way he did.

When I'm depressed, I try to not fall into that black hole, because I know once I'm in there, I might not be strong enough to come out. So I get on palace, try to join conversations, try to find something to make me feel anything. I try to laugh. I try to get angry at stupid people. I try to not feel numb.

On a good note, I am getting into this comic I've been reading called Monstress. It's about an arcanic person who has a demon inside of her. I love the style of it and the story is good. I'm trying to get excited about something. I'm glad this holds my interest some :)

Monstress

10-1

I went out earlier. I got one of my favorite things to eat. I tried to do some shopping. I felt like, nothing.

I don't feel any better. I feel...bad. When I got home, I sat at S&L and, couldn't even be interested in what anyone was saying. I tried watching some Netflix and, didn't really pay attention to what I was watching. Maybe I'm tired. I feel tired. I tried to joke with a friend and, everything came out flat.

I'm actually worried for myself. Why do I feel this way? How do I stop it? I don't like feeling like this :(

I don't want to talk to anyone for awhile. I'm going to try to sleep and maybe when GG is on tomorrow I'll feel better. Night.

Not Right

I'm lost. I have been for awhile. I feel like, my body is here, and mind is here, but my heart and soul are somewhere else. Like I'm just a shell of myself and the best parts of me are no longer here. I don't know how to get them back.

Maybe my depression is coming back. Maybe this is hormonal stuff. I just feel so down today. I'll pray and I'll write. Hopefully it will pass soon.