Just Do Your Best

From my FB:
"Instead of making any resolutions, I've decided to come up with a motto for 2014. This coming year, I'm going to simply, "Do my best." I haven't done my best for myself in a long time. I'm not happy with that. I tell my son all the time to just do his best. I need to start taking my own advice. And by Do My Best, I mean MY best, not everyone else's. I can do this *nods*"

During the past month, I've been doing some re-evaluating. I realized I'm not taking care of myself the way I used to. For the last few years, I've let so many people and situations stress me out. It gets exhausting. My energy level just plummets because of these toxic people and how I react to them.  I end up using whatever energy I have left, maintaining, instead of doing things and working on myself.

I'm not at my best and I'm definitely not doing my best. It's the least I can ask of myself right? 

2013 was a pretty good year. Nothing monumental or super great happened that I can recall, but, life is good. I read some really good books. I've met some really awesome people. The kids are all healthy and happy. My son's doing really well in his group home. My "half daughter" is going to have another beautiful baby, and she looks sooo happy lately. I could go on for awhile counting my blessings and listing things I'm grateful for but, I've got stuff to do!

Ramblings vol. 5something

I'm in a funk. I've been in a funk for a long time, around 3 years I'd say. How do I get out of it? I have a few ideas but, ideas are what I'm good at. Following them, eh, not so much. I once saw a therapist who explained it like this. When you've been stagnant for a really long time, you need to push harder than from any other position. She said it's like trying to move a boulder. You'll push but, it just won't go anywhere until you put some shoulder into it. Then, once you have some momentum, it gets easier. The important thing is to keep trying, and put your shoulder into it. I guess... haha. I think my boulder is at the bottom of an incline :(

I'll be brainstorming some ideas. I just know I'm sick of being where I am, and it's time to do something, anything. Oh that's another thing she taught me. Even a bunch of small things, steps, ideas, pushes, tasks, anything, make a difference.

I miss that therapist.
 ===================

I've been sitting here the past few days, fuming about my ex friend. I don't like when things end so abruptly. I don't like when I am left with a million thoughts that I will just never get out. So, I wrote him a letter that I'll never show him. I wrote out everything that upset me. I wrote about how unfair I thought he was being. I wrote about how this isn't the first time he's done something like this and that I'm glad he walked away. I wrote that his little anime voices were dumb, which, I really don't believe.

Then, I read it to myself, deleted it, and wrote what I really wanted to say. I wanted to say that, I'm sorry I hurt him. That at the time, retreating sounded like a good idea but, that I guess I was just reacting, without thinking about how it would make him feel. I wrote that I miss him, a lot, but that I accept his decision. It's too bad he'll never get to read it. I texted him that I would like his email address. No reply.

Before bed,

Recently, a good friend, someone that I cared about very much decided that he no longer wants me in his life. We were only friends but it feels like a break up. The adjustments. The loss. The small things that come up that remind you of the person... I'm just glad we didn't have a song!
I know I'll get over it. One thing I know about myself is, I feel deeply. I also will wallow in whatever it is I'm feeling for a little bit. I'll cry, talk a lot about it, write really bad poetry and try to get all of that nastiness out. Then, after awhile, I'll have an epiphany. I'll remember that, anyone who can throw me away like that doesn't deserve the energy I spend being upset. I'll remember that I've been there before and I'll probably be there again. I'll remember that as much as I need people, people will always come and go from my life for whatever reason.

Until then, it hurts. I feel it in my gut, like a nagging pain. Damn him!

.....On a positive note, I just finished reading The Bone Collector by Jeffery Deaver. I've seen the movie but the book is better, of course. I've been wanting to start reading regularly again and, I really need to find some great books to get into.

More positive stuff? Hmm, gratitude journal!

1. I still have my health. Well, I'm alive anyway!
2. My son is super awesome. I love him so much.
3. I have yarn!
4. My dog was really cuddly and clingy last night. Just kept nuzzling me and wanting 'ttention.
5. I'll be okay. Things in life always happen for a reason. I've always believed that.

brrrr

SKK tried to text me last night. I refused to answer and he ends his barrage with "I guess I tried." Right... Then today he starts going on about how he was sick of waiting on me and that he needs to be with an adult and not a child. He also said that he doesn't care if we never speak again. I really need a cell phone that has a block feature.

--------------------------
I love this time of year, but, I really wish I had an electric blanket. A nose warmer would be nice too! My nose always turns red when I'm really cold. 

A Kingdom For Some Sleep!

I hate that my panic attacks and anxiety issues, alienate me from the people I care about. I just got into a discussion with a friend about how my panic attacks anger him. He's not the only one. I've had friends get angry and frustrated with me because they can't handle that I'm like this. Some are frustrated because it interferes with what they want, or what they want me to be. Others, they get upset because they care about me. They don't understand why I can't be different.

Believe me when I say, I wish I were different too. I don't like waking up in the middle of a panic attack and thinking I'm going to die. I don't like that it keeps me from doing so many things that I want to be doing. I don't like that it holds me back from being in a better environment. I don't like that I can't just get in the car and go for a drive without freaking the hell out. I don't like that my behavior makes people that I care about get angry enough to tell me things that make me want to cry. I don't like that though I know so many other people go through the things I do, that I feel so alone sometimes.

My panic attacks are always the deal breaker. I have friends who love me despite them. I know this. It doesn't make it hurt any less when someone walks away because I can't think differently.

..... I woke up after 2 hours sleep, and had a really bad panic attack. Now, 2 hours later it's almost 8am and I need more sleep, which I probably won't get. I'll do my best! (I think I'll make that my new motto. "Kick ass." isn't really working for me anymore :P )

Crafty Thrifty Stuff

My mom and I were thrift store hopping the past few days, looking for some decent backpacks. We know of a few shops where most of the items are brand new. The stores are run by little old ladies who make sure everything is in great quality. They're run by the local Ladies League, the Humane Society and so on. To me, it's a game. I start off with maybe $10 and see how much awesome stuff I can find. I think I have a pretty good eye and I know ahead of time what I'm looking for. When we get home and see what we've bought they're always asking, "Where was that?! I didn't see that!"

I always start at the odds & ends, and gravitate towards the books. Lately, when I see books that seem interesting, I think, "I can download that." Of course, I probably can't but, some day I might! I would love to have an e-book reader. I don't need anything fancy. Something that is just for text is perfectly fine. I usually carry a few books with me at all times and a reader would just make things a lot easier :D

At the Humane Society's thrift store, I found a pile of brand new yarn for less than half of what I usually pay. I let the youngest niece pick out 2 colors. I'm going to crochet her a beanie. I've made a few before, that were not for anyone in particular. They seem to rotate around the family. I don't know who has them now. I'll be using this super easy pattern. I hope it turns out and she isn't too embarrassed to wear it!

What I would love to do is learn how to do Amigurumi. They're crocheted or knitted stuffed toys. I've seen some really cute things done this way. Sushi pillows!

My Drifting Thoughts

My maternal grandmother taught me many things. She taught me how to crochet when I was a little girl, using my finger. She taught me how to make tortillas without measurements, but using my eyes. She taught me how to shop. She paid for driving lessons which taught me that if you can afford it, it's worth it to pay for certain services

She had a million quotes that I can't remember, though she gave the credit to HER grandmother. They were all in Spanish which, is probably why I can't remember them. I'm still struggling with Spanish.

 This might sound odd but another thing she always told me is to never give away sex for free. Now, to sort of go into a little back-story... My great grandmother and her daughters were kind of nomadic. They were migrant farm workers and on the side, prostitutes. They ran a brothel. To them, it was about survival. They sold what they had to get what they needed.

Though I've never necessarily approved of this, it always fascinated me. I always saw it as a show of strength. They weren't allowing themselves to be used. They offered a service and had full control of what they did with their bodies. I'm not even sure how to word this. They used what they had to get what they needed in order to live the lives they wanted. (I have no idea where the men in the family were. I've only heard a few random stories about uncles and great-grandfathers.)

Oh! I probably should mention that my grandmother never got into the family business. She just told me stories and I guess, took that lesson from it.

By not giving it away for free, she didn't mean that I should sell my body for money! She meant, never give away something as precious as yourself, and not get anything in return. A lot of women do this. They get into and stay in relationships where they just give and give of themselves and get nothing but disregard and abuse. They compromise themselves for nothing. If you're going to sleep with someone, he'd better be someone worthy. Either he takes care of you, or he gives something back. And if you can't even get that much? At least make sure he pays your rent :P

So yeah, never give it away for free! This was originally supposed to be an entry about my grandmother's quilting and crafting but, it sort of went somewhere else.

Kimchi!!!

Oh! I forgot to share this. My latest batch of kimchi :D It's so yummy. It started out in a HUGE pickle jar and ended up in a large salsa jar. I want to learn how to make water kimchi the way my friend's mom used to make it. I think I'll try for that next, or kimbap.

Secret Santa!

The other night, on Second Life, a friend of mine invited me to a Secret Santa group. I've done the event before. Everyone who joins gets to click Santa and get the random name of someone else in the group. You let the moderators know who you picked and one of them will give you a folder with 12 empty gift boxes, and a note card telling you the likes and dislikes of the person you picked. (I still need to fill mine out.) When the event starts, you give the giftee a gift a day for 12 days.

You can't gift freebies unless they're valuable freebies. I'm sure you know what I mean. Those freebies that EVERYONE seems to have, those aren't allowed. The item has to be transferable of course. Gift cards and Gachas are perfect for this. They're not only transferable but they're inexpensive and usually very nice. I'm still coming up with ideas. I have a list. *nods*

I want to build a few things to give to everyone in the group. I was thinking maybe an event photo frame would be appropriate. On the last day of the event, there's a party and a lot of screen shots will be taken. It would be nice to have a frame to put your favorite picture in. Or maybe I'll make it a special holiday bulletin board. I'm not sure. I usually give out my stocking pendant necklace and a Naughty/Nice bracelet too. Still thinking of ideas!

The group is open to anyone. There's a 100L joining fee, and the last day to join is November 24th. There are 55 so far in the group. This is definitely a case of "the more, the merrier".

From the group info:
Naughty & Nice Secret Elves
1. Cut off date to Join is November 24th.
2. Need personal notecard from you with likes and dislikes..
3. If you are already in the group .. please let me know if you are playing..
4. Welcome Event November 27th 6 pm sl time

From the Rules note card:
 ㋡ Welcome Secret Elves of  2013!!! ㋡

   We need some devoted and hardworking Elves. There are a few rules that I like to discuss with you all, the old elves and the new ones. Before you even think of playing, keep these things in mind.....   There's a 100L Fee to join the group, this will help cover costs of paying for a dj, making awards.. ect.  : )

❇ RULE # 1 ❇ Join the Secret Elves group.. ask Witchone Witherspoon, Wire Frost, Slamminsammy aeon, Keres bickin for an invite. 100 L to join

❇ RULE # 2 ❇ Make sure you have your group tag on at all times when doing anything with Santa's Big Bag and when grabbing your stockings.
If you need to join the group ask me and I'll  invite you.

❇ RULE # 3 ❇ This game lasts 12 days ( 12 days of commitment),  So that means 12 gifts need to be placed in Santa's Big Bag with your person's name and the day number on the gift.  That will mean one gift for each day!  Make sure its boxed in the gift boxes that are passed out with the right number of that day.. 
Example:Day 1  Witchy ( on day one), Day 2 Witchy ( on day two) and so on.
   
    To do this you would go into edit mode and place the Named gift from your inventory INTO Santa's Big Bag.  (make sure you have your group tag on!)

    Each day you come in you will be checking your stocking.  Witchone Witherspoon will place out your stocking each night at or around 12am SLT  DO NOT GRAB STOCKINGS AND PUT THEM BACK UP! Only grab them if you see there's a gift in them.  Sometimes theres a few naughty elves that likes to stuff all the stockings and that wont be the main gift .. so dont grab it then either .. only if there's the box in there with your name on it  and the Day : )

    *Remember PLEASE WEAR your group tag other wise the gift transfer will NOT work!
   
❇ RULE # 4 ❇ Make sure anything that you put in the gift boxes are transferable, otherwise your person will NOT get their gift.  NON TRANSFER ITEMS DON'T WORK. If I see that there is a non transfer item I will contact you to come replace the gift in Santa's Big Bag and put a transferable item in..

❇ RULE # 5 ❇ You may Create or Buy your gifts. Think about spending at least  $ 12L to $ 1000Ls  for the entire 12 days. HOWEVER, If you are an outstanding builder..go ahead and make them gifts!

    Purchasing Items- Take the time to shop for your person. Snoop around and see what they like, or what they are into. You can tell a lot by most peoples profiles. As far as those of you who like to be secret put a lil' sumthin up for us! ;) and you will be getting a notecard with likes and dislikes of what your person is about.
    
    Freebies- NO FREEBIES.... this has been abused last year.... so no freebies... there's lots of great Gacha gifts that you can purchased . some for as little as 5L. need to shop around and put some thought in the gifts.. If you can't do this.. then this game isn't for you . There are some great players on here that do like to shop for their person.. we all need to take the time to do that : )

 Market place is a awesome place to Shop . https://marketplace.secondlife.com/
Just log in as you would SL,
 Type in search, gift , or what ever you are looking for , on the  left hand side there are options . like how much you want to spend . and mod rights . MAKE SURE YOU HAVE TRANS CHECKED . IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL END UP BUYING THINGS FOR YOUR SELF . this way all you see will be things you can transfer .
 happy shopping .

❇ RULE #6 ❇ You MUST make sure that you can at least be here once everyday to put things in Santa's Big Bag. WE all come every day, to look for our little prizes and when you are the one that a slacking elf didn't put anything in your stocking. its a bit of a let down.. Trust me I've seen a person come in several times a day.... and a few days in a row.. and their stocking is empty... Not a good thing....  If you cannot be here for a day or two.. let me know.. or  Slamminsammy Aeon and hand us over the gift and we will put them in your person's stocking for that particular day.... 

❇ RULE #7 ❇ Please do not put all 12 gifts in one gift box.  It defeats the purpose of the game. One a day is how its done.

 Please fill out a notecard and state if you are male or female and a little bit about yourself. such as... What are your likes, dislikes, where you are from ect.... ( I will be passing this information to the person that will have you)

Now that we have covered the rules, this may be your next question, "Who will I get?" "Are they male or female?" ( I will be passing this information to you)

A few days before we start the game, I will have you come in and click Jolly old Santa and it will tell you who you have, no one can see he will  say  in chat.. once that happens please notify me who you have. I will then pass you a folder with the 12 gift boxes with  your persons name on it and the notecard.
There will be 3 events...
Getting aquainted event... date will be announced later
Half way thru event...   date will be announced later..
At the end of the game after the 12th day, we will be having a Christmas Ball. That day will be the the day you will find out who had who.. This is a secret elf game.. do not tell anyone who you have.   The Date of the Ball will be announced later..㋡

I know this seems like a lot to take in.  But its fairly easy trust me... I will be sending notices out often.. and especially the most important notice of all.  is coming in and finding out who you will have.   And make sure when joining the group that you check to receive notices... this way you will know whats going on daily.  Well I look forward to playing and having fun!!  hugzzz to all the 2013 Elves... 


Witchone Witherspoon
Secret Elves Helpers:  Slamminsammy Aeon , Wire Frost, Coyote Montale, Keres Bickin, Charmz Laville

  

                                                                                   

Ready to Scream

I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to focus on more positive things. Today I got to spend some time with my son. Today I got to get some grocery shopping done and only bought healthy stuff. Today I got the kids to clean the living room without whining. Yay! All good stuff.

....

And then, my druggie sister decides to push her way in and my enabling mother won't ask her to leave. By law, she's not allowed to be here. We're supposed to call the police if she shows up. I really wish I had somewhere else to go. The tension and anticipatory anxiety of THIS situation is what made me this bad off in the first place. My sister's constantly around, disrupting everyone's lives, stealing from my mom, causing drama. I can't handle this.

My mother makes the WORST decisions.

ick

From my Facebook:

I hope I'm making the right decision but, I've decided not to take medication for my panic disorder. I really don't like how the meds make me feel. Working through this will be a slower process but, I've done this before. I can do it again. It doesn't mean I've given up. It just means I have to fight harder. It would be nice to have a support system while I'm doing this but, I didn't have one before so, it's not really an issue. I probably should have just posted this on the blog but, people keep asking how I am. Well, this is how I'm doing. Just know that, I've got this *crosses fingers, prays, and all that good stuff*

 I know a few people won't be happy with me over this. I'm kind of disappointed in myself as well. Any time I'm afraid of something, I get angry at myself over it. I should be stronger than this. I should just suck it up and do what it is I'm afraid to do right?

 

 

Junk and Stuff

Why are guys always trying to show me their penis? I don't know if it's because I've always been a reserved, old fashioned person, but, I've never been too excited about guys trying to send me photos of their junk. If a man ever wants to get me in the mood, that's just not the way to go.

I want a man to talk to me. I want him to intrigue me. Make me laugh. A man has to make me want him by doing something other than flashing his penis at me. It's not hard. Hmm maybe I should use the word 'difficult'.

The man I've wanted the most hasn't shown me his penis. He does talk to me. He does make me laugh. We talk, and banter, and flirt. He truly cares about me. He treats me like a woman he wants to get to know, not just with my clothes off. He checks on me and asks me how I've been. He asks me to spend time with him because sometimes he just misses me. It's nice to be missed. He is the sexiest man I know because he does all of these things.

So guys, quit showing every girl you talk to, your penis. If you're with her, then it's all good. If you're trying to get with her, and you're looking for something serious beyond the sex, don't do it. Keep it in your pants. Please!

The Break-Up Ritual

I haven't heard from my favorite ex, SKK in awhile. It's such a huge relief. I'm hoping that he decided to devote himself to whatever female he was cheating on me with. I'm hoping he leaves me alone. I've deleted him from everything except my phone. My cell is so old, that it doesn't block numbers.... I did make his ringtones silent so I don't hear his texts or calls. That's the best I can do.

I think I was afraid I would feel alone without him. He was in my life for such a long time. In and out of it, over and over. I think it's time to do my usual "break-up ritual" so I can close the door on that part of my life.

Those that have known me for awhile, know all about the break-up ritual that I came up with. First, I watch An Affair to Remember so I can get some tears going. It doesn't mean I'm crying over anyone. (Who can watch the end of this movie and not cry?!) I just feel the need for an emotional release after a relationship ends. "I've done my crying. Now it's time to pick myself up and move on." Well, that's the idea.

Next, is Singles. I LOVE that movie after a break up. If you haven't seen it, it is a MUST see. It's about music, dating, relationships, break ups, and all that good stuff. But really... Relationships are funny! They really are. The things we put ourselves through to meet the person that you might want to be with for the rest of your life, it's crazy! It's also sweet, and romantic, and, sometimes, worth all of the bullshit, right?!

So first I cry, and then I laugh. Life is good and I move on. I've got this.

"All my life, waiting for somebody....  I'm waitin' for the day, waitin' for the day that you come my way..."

No, Not At All!

Friend: sleep well?
Me: no. I kept having nightmares and I was trying to sleep through a panic attack. that last dream wasn't bad though. I was in a hat store trying on crazy hats
Me: the mad hatter was there. I tried to avoid him but he wasn't having it
Friend: ....
Friend: ur weird

= = =     = = =     = = =

My dog likes to chew whatever she can find on the floor. If a kid drops something, she swoops on it, drags it under the sofa, and chews it up. Last night, I pulled stuff out from under the couch, swept the floor spotless, and she decides to start eating my mic while I'm asleep.... Vindictive little thing.

= = =     = = =     = = =

I feel like I've been playing a lot of WoW lately but I haven't been. I get on long enough to do my dailies, run around with GBear and Syeko, and relax a bit. It's been fun though. This latest event is Hallows End. You get to earn pets, a mount, some interesting looking gear AND you get to kill the Headless Horseman! It's pretty awesome stuff and, I'm a sucker for online events.

October!

I'm still around! The kids are off for Fall Break. Why didn't they have so many vacations when I was a kid?!

I've been staying offline more and getting things done. I've been doing some Fall cleaning, more cooking... I'm a fall person. The weather is perfect. I can cook anything without overheating the house. I've just always been more happier in the Fall.

When I was a kid, living in Los Angeles, we had what are called the Santa Ana winds. They're kind of a legend. Anything goes during the Santa Ana winds. They're really strong, warm winds that just, make you feel so hugged and energetic. I can't explain it. I would stand outside with my arms out just letting them hit me. I'd feel so powerful and excited. I'm just glad they come all the way to where I live. They're over for now but, the feeling just carries me over til around the beginning of November. I just feel good.

-------------------------
I've been dealing with a lot of family issues that I'd rather avoid. I won't go into detail. What it all comes down to is putting my foot down and making sure I get what I need while taking care of everyone else. It's something I'm still learning but, if I want to get out of this situation I'm in, I have to do it. I have to sleep enough, relax enough, eat better, and just, do for me for awhile.

Btw I LOVE Halloween on SL!

Sludge - A Fun Sounding Word

Not sure if you've noticed but, my blog is more like my pensieve. I just pour out whatever's in my head so I don't think of it so much anymore. I vent, rant, purge. I actually backspace/delete a lot of what I write because, sometimes, I just need to get it out. I don't need to subject "the world" to it. I've always felt badly when I've done that.

I feel like, the negativity I put out there is all of the poison I store up inside me. When I write it out, I'm detoxing! The sludge and icky stuff that accumulates into my psyche has to come out or it will make me ill. I just wish I could bury it, or put it in some bio-hazard vault and not have anyone get near it for fear it will make them grow an extra limb.

...For someone who does her best to avoid drama, I am pretty melodramatic...
----------------------------

I had a really rough day, and didn't unwind til now. I did get a lot of things done while everyone was asleep. I cleaned some of the kitchen, the bathroom, started a load of laundry. I got on WoW and killed some stuff and got my professions up. I talked to my friend GBear on Skype, until I heard snoring. Then I left it in call so he wouldn't wake up.

Now to snuggle in and finally doze off before people wake me in a few hours. I'm going to turn my ringtone on. A friend is going to wake me at noon so I don't sleep all day. I really am trying to relax so I can sleep better. It's just, a long process for me.

dot dot dot

Well that conversation did not go well at all. It ended with him saying that we were never having this conversation again, and me just letting it drop off. I don't know whether I'm being too nice, or just trying to keep peace. Do I feel I left anything unsaid? No. By the end of the conversation, I really didn't want to speak to him anymore for awhile at least.

He said, "i could probably make a huge list of things u need to work on". I'm not furious, or offended, but I probably should be. I know I have tons of things to work on, but it's not his job to point it out. I thought that was a dick thing to say. And really, I'm curious about his huge list. I'm betting it's nothing I don't know about myself but I really am curious. I just can't believe he said that.

I think this is just going to be one of those fucked up weekends with small moments of good stuff. Breakfast was good stuff. I surprised my nephew with a hole-in-one for breakfast. He had this big smile on his face as he said WTF?! I used to make them for him when he was little.

Mind Purge #005 (random number btw)

Made the mistake of looking up Norman Reedus, and now I need to mop up this puddle of drool from the table top. The Walking Dead is on tomorrow :D I can't wait!

-- I'm in a bit of a pissy mood this weekend. I found out that a good friend of mine wasn't being up front about something really important. I don't understand why he wouldn't be. Maybe he was worried that I'd be upset. Obviously he doesn't know me as well as we both thought. If you have news that I might consider upsetting, it's always better to tell me right off. I WILL get upset if I find out about it from somewhere else. Who doesn't know this about me?!

-- I think SKK has finally left me alone. No calls or texts in awhile. Let's see how long it lasts.

-- Last night, I finished watching American Horror Story: Murder House. I loved the storyline. Parts were a bit too hectic for me, and there was so much going on but I sat through it and, enjoyed the season regardless. I am not surprised at Jessica Lange's performance. I've always thought she was a great actress. You can tell that she puts everything into the roles she plays. I don't remember if I've ever seen her play a happy character though. The ones that always stand out are the troubled, crazy, angry roles.

-- There's an "old" friend that I've been getting in touch with via email. He emailed me yesterday saying, "Add me to Facebook. Mine is the icon with the eyeball on it".... There are a million people with his name and NO eyeball icons!

-- I went to therapy yesterday. She said that my goal shouldn't be to deal with the panic attacks but to get my own place. She thinks once I get my own place, I won't panic so much. Don't I need to not panic so much to reach that goal? Maybe I've been thinking about this wrong all along. I'm not going to think too hard on that.

-- Saturday, usually a busy day but I'm listening to music in my pj's, and talking to the friend from the second paragraph. We haven't talked about what I found out really. I mentioned it, and he said something casual about it, and then, he acted like it doesn't change anything. *sighs*

Rocky Road or Black Walnut? hmmmm

I FINALLY found a site that gives you the How-To for adding your Pinterest board profile to the side bar over there >>>>>>> And now I can add pins again, yay!

I'm about to eat some bad stuff and watch some more American Horror Story. I know... I treat my blog like my Facebook. Since when have I done things the right way? :D

I have no idea what brought this on!

An ex-boyfriend from way back once told me something that kind of always stuck with me. He said, I'm always going to be the transitional girl. I'm the girl that guys find charming, funny, great to talk to, supportive, nurturing, and sweet. I'm the girl a guy goes to for support, or someone to listen. He said that they'll fall in love with me because of my attributes but then get what they need and move on, because, I don't have any fight in me. We never fought and that bothered him. He said it meant that I had no passion, no drive, and so on. He said any man would be lucky to have me. He said I'd make a great wife. He even asked me to marry him. Then he walked away.

I don't know why that's always been my story. Guys "fall in love" with me and then walk away. I kind of wish they'd quit that shit. Maybe I, myself, wouldn't hold back all the time if I knew it wouldn't turn out the same way every time. Yeah, I know. I see what I did there. Stupid vicious circles *shakes fist*.

What pisses me off even more is, they always try to come back! Every guy who has walked away from me has done this. It could be a year later. It could be 20 years later! Yeah, that happened. This guy lol... This guy, the 20 years later guy, said I was always the one for him. That he'd drop every and anything to have me back, but, while I was thinking about it, he'd continue to see the girl he was seeing. I laughed so hard I almost pee'd myself, and then told him to stay with her.

Another ex tried to come back after ten years... because he was in prison. He told me, "I'm going to get a job, finish my parole and convince you that I'm a changed man. I mean it. You were the only one I thought about during my roughest time, and I love you." I told him to do his thing for himself, and that we would always be friends. He said, "No, I'm doing this and I'm winning you back." I found out a month later that he ran off with his best friend's wife. Then she turned out to be a man-beater and would beat the hell out of him every so often... I didn't feel too bad for him.

One ex, thee ex from the first paragraph, came back exactly a year to the day later. He said his life sucked. He gave me this super long sob story about how miserable his life had become and, said that he missed our friendship. I know he did. I was the only one at the time who had his back. I never took him back of course but, we're still friends.

I could go on and on. I might actually do that later. But right now, I'm heading out to get some stuff done. I have a long list of things I need to do today. I'm keeping lists again, to keep my head clear. So I'm going to kiss my doggy good bye and go... after I put my shoes on.

I always forget the shoes!

YahOOOooooOOO

I'm really not liking the changes in Yahoo's mail service. I like the themes and the sliding folder view but, that doesn't make the changes worthwhile for me. What's most important to me in an email service is ease of use. I can no longer view email by sender or subject. Sorting options make going through email so much easier for me. I don't want to have to make folder filters for every single online service I use. It's so flawed. I'm still finding mail out of place in different folders.

I'd switch to Gmail entirely but, I never liked how Gmail worked either. Now there are additional tabs for Social and Promotional, and they both get, well, both types of items. There are labels but no folders, and everything is archived in one place. I only use it for gaming services or services I don't want to hear from on Yahoo.

I know this probably sounds like a trivial thing to bitch about but, I spend enough time going through email. I like to do it between errands or in the "morning" before coffee. Reading email should be as simple as reading the paper, not like finding a needle in a hay stack!

Player Vs Player *rawr*

- I need to find more places to volunteer at. The place I go to on Wednesdays has so many volunteers already that I never get to do anything. All of the jobs get taken and, it goes by too quickly. I want to do something! I want to feel useful! I'll see if the library has any listings sometime this week.

- I tried to go to bed early. I laid there for two hours(!) thinking. Finally I decided to get up and look for an ebook so I didn't have to turn the lights on. I saw I missed a Skype call from Dingleberry so I'm talking to him now. He's telling me about how awesome his new girl is. She'd better be! My guy friends seem to pick the worst chicks to date and, it puts me on edge. He's been hurt so much by these girls he keeps giving his heart to. I really hope this one treats him well.

- My World of Warcraft trial period is over. I don't have the money to put into game time so I don't know when I'll be back on. A friend offered to buy me game time in exchange for gold but, I don't have much gold. It's kind of too bad. I was enjoying leveling. I almost got to 90, and wanted to gear up some. Get raid ready or do some PVP. I miss PVP. Clobbering someone online and learning strategy was always fun for me.

- Still not tired. I'm feeling kind of alone lately, which I don't understand. I talk to people pretty regularly. I feel like something is missing though, something huge. I'm not sure that there's anything I can do about it.

Dingleberry wants me to watch Say Anything with him. I'll probably fall asleep in the middle of it, which is good. The boombox scene always pisses me off. That's another entry for another time though. Good night!

75%! Twice!

I was all set to talk to my psych about these Klonopin I don't like. I was 75% of the way there when I realized that my appointment was for tomorrow... On the bright side, I drove 75% there and back without anyone in the car!

Heading out to get things done.

Wings!

Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed with household stuff, I always refer back to my Flylady days. When I first discovered Flylady, I was at my most mentally unwell period, and so was my son. My home was so full of clutter and I learned later that the clutter contributed to my anxiety. Her site was easy to navigate. She also used Yahoo Groups to send out reminder emails, inspiration and testimonials. I chose to not read them if they overwhelmed me too.

What was cool was, the system did the thinking for you! I'm the type that has to think everything through before doing it, or my anxiety sky rockets. The system eliminated the need to do that. It was all laid out for me. She even had a vacation packing list which helped me a LOT when I would take the train to visit my boyfriend at the time. I still have the list in my Control Journal, which I'll talk about in a minute.

Sometimes, living with 5 people is overwhelming, but cleaning up after them is even more so. I just went to the website and the system is the same. She no longer uses the Yahoo Group but she now uses something called Cozi, which is a calendar with all of the "lessons" posted. Then I remember, my Control Journal!

One of her main tools is the Control Journal. It's a notebook where you keep everything household related. Schedules, phone numbers, family calendars, lists, etc. I also have the cleaning system in mine. Five pieces of paper, one for each cleaning zone, and the main dailies to get stuff done. You also learn to write out your Morning, Afternoon and Evening routines. Here's the one I had 10 years ago.

Morning Routine:
1. Get out of bed and shake Kid. (that just meant wake him up. no child shaking involved!)
2. Make bed.
3. Brush teeth and wash face. Swish and swipe. (S&S are Flylady terms for taking a wash cloth and cleaning the bathroom really quick after your morning wash up.)
4. Get dressed to shoes. (very important part of the system. always dress "to shoes" so you're ready for everything.)
5. Breakfast
6. Check calendar and journal
7. Get Kid up and start his routine. Put a load of laundry in.
8. Drink water.

I know, those are basic things that "everyone" does but, at the time, having it written down, the structure was easier for me. I'm going to try Flylady again for the week and see if I can't catch up on some stuff that needs doing. I always get burnt out on it because I'm such an all-or-nothing person, but I'll still get some benefits from it so, why not.

This week's zone is The Kitchen. Perfect! That's the zone I need help with anyway so, I'm going to "jump in where I am" and get started.

Somebody is Crazy About You

Somebody is Crazy About You

I thought this entry was sweet and share-worthy. I have this blog on my Feedly. Sweetness Itself.

I Will Love You Like I've Never Been Hurt

I woke up to that song playing in my head. I do that often. Wake up to music going on in my head.

==========================================================

Last night, I was on WoW running around Pandaria with Fudgy. I missed Fudgy. In game he and Remmi were my best friends. The three of us did everything together. We were arena partners, which meant we had each others backs. We helped each other level, gear up, get raid-ready. We would get naked and dance in the cities on top of tables randomly. We did so much raid grinding for transmog gear because we all had to look cool. We'd drink and do karaoke on Skype! Remmi and I had a fictional baby together named FaeRemmi that we still make up stories about. Right now, she's in Dalaran keeping the peace around Northrend. Those were my guys. We had other people we ran with and were close to. It was a great circle of friends. But the three of us were It.

There are so many people online that I know better than I know anyone "in real". Some would say that that's not a good thing but, I think it's great. Any connections we make are great. I've always felt like someone who never fit in anywhere. I had two groups of friends when I was a teenager. I was close to both groups of people but I never fit in with any of them. One was super nerdy, brainy, awkward but, I was always "too weird" to fit in just right. The other group was full of "weird people" but they were tough and, I never fit in with them either. A lot of them cared about me but, they thought I was too nice to do a lot of the things they were doing. I'm sure they were just trying to protect me but, all it did was remind me that I didn't really have a place with anyone. It was like that for a long time. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.

When I got online, I realized there were so many people out there LIKE ME. We all have so many facets and titles and names and labels, and each one is represented by so many different people. They're all out there to connect with. It doesn't have to be someone in your town. Everyone reaches out in different ways. It's not like in Kindergarten, where you could walk up to a kid and be like, "Hi, I'm Talulah. What's your name? Want to play?" Now, we have to find mutual interests, mutual places to be, and try to connect. 

For some, the internet makes that so much easier. I know, we have to consider the dangers too. Dangerous, toxic people can flow in anywhere and prey on people. That happens offline too. So when someone who "doesn't get it" tells you to quit talking to the people you're talking to online, because they're not real, or because they might be psycho, or because they just don't understand how you can connect with anyone you haven't had coffee with... I say, go with your gut. When you have more toxic people in your life offline, and you connect with good people online, appreciate that they're there. Appreciate that somewhere out there is someone who does get you, and who thinks you fit in nicely. It's okay!

=======================================

I know that got kind of awkward at the end there. It never fails. Every time I write and I'm on a roll, someone comes home, makes demands and throws my focus off. I was going somewhere with that! Maybe I'll edit it later. I doubt it. Anyway, go forth and connect :D

Weekend Ramblings

Sometimes, it makes me sad when I find an interesting blog that hasn't been updated in a really long time. I always wonder, did they move to another service? Are they still out there writing somewhere? Did they no longer have the will to write? Where did they go?!

I admit, I'm guilty of that myself. I blogged 17 times in 2009, and only ONE time in 2011. I must have had something going on that year that was worth writing about.  And I really don't think I was doing anything too exciting that I didn't have time to write about it.

Anyone who knows me knows this... I'm awful at multi-tasking. When I'm writing in my hard copy journal, I'm not writing online. If I'm being creative, I'm not writing either. It's like I have only so much energy and, I can only focus it on one place. I used to be all over the place! I don't know if this is because I'm getting older, or, if it's a mental health issue. Hmm, anyway...

I had a decent weekend. I started it with Friday, when I daringly drove miles by myself to pick the kids up from school. Yay ME! I've been having panic issues doing that. I called My Sweetheart (I need a blog name for him) and talked to him most of the way there. He was really supportive and well, super awesome. He not only kept me distracted but, he rationalized a lot of my fears away for the moment and, it really helped a lot. I always worry about pestering people or asking for help but, I'm glad I called him. I missed his voice so, it was nice just talking to him, and it really made my day.

Friday night, I started watching the first season of American Horror Story. I've been hearing a lot about it. I wanted something with a good story that would be somewhat scary. The funny thing is, it terrified me right off! I had to pause it and relax a bit before continuing. I have to laugh at myself. When I was a little girl, my father and I would watch horror movies together. He'd make popcorn and we'd sit on the couch watching "scary stuff". It was always during the most tense moments that he'd poke me and make this screeching noise so I'd jump near out of my skin. It was our thing. My dad and I had horror movies. Now, I can't watch anything without scaring myself to death. I need to quit that shit y0.


 

*sipping my decaff*

The other day, I was at Winco, doing a bit of grocery shopping for my son. My sister said she was out of coffee so we went to their coffee wall to see what they had. It smelled soooo good, and they had a lot of decaff coffees to choose from. I'm the only one who drinks decaff in the house.

There was a woman there asking how to work the coffee area. She looked really nervous and the man she was with seemed kind of impatient. She said quietly, "I want some decaffeinated coffee. One drop of caffeine and something happens. I get so shaky and weird stuff just happens." I know how that is. I told her that when I have caffeine, I get panic attacks and her eyes and mouth popped wide open. "So that's what they are!". The man she's with then breathes a huff and gets even more impatient. She looked excited to hear the words Panic Attack. I wanted to talk to her longer because I could tell she wanted to ask some questions but my sister was in a hurry.

It's moments like these that make me wish there were a local anxiety support group. She didn't seem to have the support of the person she was with. I've been there over and over. You may not find people who have the same issues you do, but just knowing that someone else out there knows what you're going through is comforting. It gives you encouragement. You don't feel so alone in whatever it is you're going through.

I'm going to get some feelers out there and see what I can do about this.

Food: Andrea's Clam Chowder

Best clam chowder in town is at Andreas. Mmmmm

busy busy

I really don't have anything to write about. It's been a long day. I drove my kid around to get his errands done and we're still not finished. Then I went to the place I volunteer at on Wednesdays but they didn't need anyone. I ran all over town and then some. Now, I just want to relax with some music, conversation with less obnoxious people, and see what I can find to watch. Supernatural maybe, or another episode of Orange is the New Black. I LOVE that show. Oo or chair dance to something dancy and play WoW.... :D

....mornings, blah

I laid in bed off and on for 5 hours and didn't fall asleep til 5am. My family of course wakes me up with their screaming 3 hours later but I can't fall back asleep. I have my earplugs in, my fan turned up for white noise, and I'm just laying here waiting to knock back out. I really hate these moments. This is also around the time that I start thinking too much and work myself into a panic. I hate mornings.

My World of Warcraft v1

Yesterday, I activated my World of Warcraft trial period to try Mists of Pandaria. I have to admit, I'm conflicted about this. I missed the game. I missed the social part of it. I missed sitting in Orgrimmar while chatting with friends. In that way it's a lot like Second Life :P  I missed owning a guild and helping everyone have a great experience with one. I missed raiding. I missed tanking. I missed the attention I'd get when everyone would ask me to run with them. I missed Kurt, Christine, Patrick, Matt, Matt, Sno, Bubbles, Shane, Luke, Joy, Keith, Matt, Harley, Josh, Gar, Rich, etc. etc. etc.

I logged on last night at around 8'ish and, didn't come up for air until almost 5 hours later. I leveled a Tauren Paladin on Rikki and Autumn's realm and got to lvl 11. I then got on my main realm and hung out with Kurt a bit. I claimed my 2nd guild because the owner has been inactive for over 3 months. Then I gave it to Matt S. I trained a few formerly maxed out professions for the expansion. I tried to remember how to play and at least got the hang of transportation. I cleaned my old guild bank some since they took my baby and wrecked it! It was fun. I did little things in game and felt like I accomplished things. I talked to people I missed. I kicked ugly hedgehog-men butt. (forgot what they were called) I had fun!

Things I didn't miss? The loneliness of a near dead realm. The kids pestering me while I'm trying not to die. I didn't miss getting yelled at for any mistakes in a dungeon. I didn't miss not knowing what I was doing half the time and spending forever figuring out gear. I didn't miss the hours I'd lose in the day because time would fly by. I didn't miss ignoring friends on messenger and skype because I had to play the game full screen. I didn't miss the drama. So many egos on WoW. I'm sure I can come up with more, but why dwell on the negative.

I'm going to play my trial time and enjoy it. Am I going to play longer? I don't know, but I don't have to decide today. I'll see what happens when Josh gets back from work on Thursday. If he and Harley can help me lvl to 90 and I actually enjoy it... well we'll see!

Check out my main toon. She was so badass, well for a level 85 lol. Onward to 90!!!

I'd Give It All Away...

Sometimes I'll check the NPR's First Listen page for any new music coming out. I've discovered a few good bands on the site. Today, I've discovered HAIM. They sound pop'y but, the songs are good, and catchy. So... listen!

You know I'm bad at communication, it's the hardest thing for me to do
And it's said, it's the most important part that relationships will go through
And I'd give it all away just so I could say that
I know I know I know I know that you're gonna be OK anyway

I thought it was cute that they sampled the Eagles song Heartache Tonight since this is a break up song.
~~~
Last night I watched two episodes of Supernatural's first season. Good stuff but I have to admit, the Bloody Mary episode made me a bit TERRIFIED! I first heard the Bloody Mary story in 3rd grade and it's scared the hell out of me ever since. During the show, every time they said IT the 3rd time, I had to take my headset off for protection. Don't judge me :P

*huffs and puffs*

It seems like the people who are always telling me to "forget the past" are the ones who fucked me over the most way back when.

I'll try not to dwell on it but, forget it? I wish I could.

Information Overload!

I've been half watching I Know What You Did Last Summer while hitting my Stumble button over and over. I found some interesting links! If you don't have a Stumbleupon account, I suggest you get one *nods*

Relaxxx..... Do Nothing for 2 Minutes

OMG I love this thing! Are you looking for some random, crafty tutorials?

34 Simple Two-Ingredient Recipes. How simple is that?!

I won't lie. I played with this for longer than I should have. Feed The Head.

What to read next... hmmm...

100 Delicious, Dirt-Cheap Recipes for the Starving Student

For those trying to get in touch with their femininity, there's The Lady-like Blog

Everyone just left for a bit so I'm going to watch some TNG in peace. I had such a crush on Deanna Troi.

Never Went on That Manhunt

I just found another gem in my LJ. My son's therapist told me that if I found a man, it would solve ALL of my problems :D

          Attn: insane woman seeking the solution to all her problems...

October 10th, 2001

Current Mood: humorous

Current Music: I'm Tryin' - Trace Adkins -I love this song for some reason

 

Hmm, why do I even go outside? Actually I guess I have to. ****'s psych told me I need to find him a father lol, and since there are no guys just waltzing through my apartment, they must be outside, right? I still think that's funny. Like finding a father for ****/husband for me, will solve ALL of our problems. I hate being shy. A few weeks ago 3 guys within 45 mins were checking me out and I blushed and turned away from all of them. And there was that one time that hot guy Michael went up to my car and talked to me as I was sucking chili fry stuff off of my finger. That was charming I'm sure lol. I wonder what happened to that guy. He probably got scared since I also had chili on my chin I think. He was yum, only he reminded me so much of GDog :( Hmm maybe I should just put up a billboard like that one lady on the news did lol.

"Woman seeking father for overly hyperactive, bratty tempered kid. Application form on website. Must have a house with a big back yard, a golden retriever, his own computer, and a Playstation. Must like going places, fishing, throwing a ball around and whatever father/son stuff there is to do.
*see qualifications for husband on next billboard"

--further down the road---
"Kid seeking husband for his internet addicted, yummy cookie baking, fast driving, bad singing mother. Must be mushy, huggy but not clingy. Must be content watching scary movies in the dark with a big bowl of popcorn on a Saturday night. Must love all kinds of music and be able to sing loudly if not well. He must love learning, and can have a decent conversation for long periods of time. If you are this man, apply at the website.. (some made up site addy)"

I just noticed my list was longer lol. Anyway, guess I should start shaving my armpits and take a shower if I'm going to be man hunting huh? :P

 

 

LJ Memories

Off and on for the past few hours, I've been reading my old LiveJournal entries. I've only read 2 months worth, from the beginning and I have to say, I miss the old me. I was a much better writer. I was smarter, braver, apparently naughtier. I read more books. I went out more. I was just, MORE. What happened to me?!

One thing I did find that I thought was hilarious was one of those old, long, survey quizzes that everyone used to pass around. I think I'll fill this one out now, for the hell of it.
=====================
Name: Lisa
Zodiac Sign: I'm a typical Gemini
Sex: *looks down - sees boobs* Female
What Time Is It? 11:23pm

Who was the last person that....

Called You: my kid
Slept In Your Bed: does the dog count? If so, then Lola.
Saw You Cry: I don't remember when I last cried
Made You Cry: ooh, some Korean show called Autumn in my Heart
Spent The Night At Your House: My youngest sister
You Shared A Drink With: my mom and my youngest sister
You Went To The Movies With: all 4 of the youngest kids
You Went To The Mall with: my mom
Yelled At You: my mom
Sent You An Email: Steve or MFP
Said They Were Gonna Kill You: my nephew, jokingly of course


Have you ever..

Taken A Picture Of Yourself With A Milk Mustache And Sent It to The Milk People: Nope
Said "I Love You" and mean it?: Yes :)
Gotten Into A Fight With Your Dog/Cat/Bird/Fish/Etc.? My dog, every day!
Been To New York? Nope
Been To Florida? Nope
California? I wake up there every morning
Hawaii? No but one day I'll be brave enough to head to Oahu and punch MFP in the arm
Mexico? Yep, but I didn't get drunk. Mexican jails scare me.
China? Nope
Canada? Nope, maybe one day
Danced Naked? Yep
Dreamed Something Really Crazy And Then It Happens The Next Day? Yes, but I don't realize it until after it happens, usually.
Had A Mud Bath? Played in mud and taken a bath after?
Wished You Were The Opposite Sex? No, I like having boobs :D
Had An Imaginary Friend? Nope
Been on a plane: Nope *panics thinking about it*
Cried in public: Yep, when I was a kid.
Climbed a tree: see above
Eaten A Worm: No, but gummi worms are good stuff
Kissed a guy/girl: A he/she? O_O
Met a celebrity: Yep, used to live in Hollywood, so it was bound to happen.
Met the president: Nope
Been scared you'd b shot? Yeah, we were in a drive-thru and the guys in front of us were getting shot at. We were kind of stuck there, ducking.
Gone skinny dipping: Nope. I wouldn't want to scare any fish.
Gotten Drunk: Yep
Skipped school: Yep, way back when.
What time is it? 11:28pm

What Do You Think Of When You Hear...

Bill Clinton: Elvis (this survey is old)
Lollipops: mmm grape
Dreams: clouds
Love: love
Whipped Cream: lemon mousse
Christina Aguilera: how her hair is never the same
South Park: Dave
Guys: what about them?
Girls: I know some girls
Death: scary

Either/Or ...

Apples Or bananas? Apples
Red Or Blue? red
Backstreet Boys Or NSYNC? BSB (really old survey)
WalMart Or Target? walmart
Spring Or fall? fall
Santa Or Rudolph? rudolph
Math Or English? english
What Are You Going To Do After You Finish This Survey? find a korean show to watch maybe

What Was The Last Food You Ate? black cherry ice cream
High School Or College? for what?
Are You Bored? yep
Buddies are on? MFP, Dingleberry, Zack, Austin, Christine, Matt, Shaun, Tom, Ajay, Harley, etc
Last Movie You Saw? My Neighbor Tortoro
Last Noise You Heard: Dog playing with a sock with a plastic car in it

Who...

Laughs The Weirdest? My youngest niece
Going To Have The Most Kids? How would I know this?
Have You Known The Longest? my mom?
Loudest? My youngest neice
Is The Quietest? Me
Weirdest? Me
Who Is The Funniest? MFP
Who Is The Moodiest? Dingleberry


About Your Friends:

Who Can You Tell Most Of Your Secrets to: I'm pretty much an open book
Who Do You Usually Go To About All Of Your Problems: MFP or Dave


The Last Few Questions

Things You Like In A Girl/Guy?: honesty, sense of humor, intelligence. all that good stuff
Weirdest Thing About You? That I once in awhile will eat my food layer by layer. Ever seen me eat a big mac? lol
Do you have crush on someone? usually
Do they know? good question
Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Nope
What's his/her name?
What Do You Think About Ouija Boards? they're creepy
What Book Are You Reading Now? Several all at once, but not finishing any of them
What's On Your Mouse Pad: No mouse pad
Favorite Sound: the ocean
Worst Feeling In The World: breaking up with someone who you still think is awesome
What Is The First Thing You Think When You Wake In The Morning? OMG what time is it?!
How Many Rings Before You Answer? It depends on where the phone is
Future Daughter's Name: Lara Ann
Future Son's Name: David Danial
Do You Sleep With A Stuffed animal? no but I have a few. I sleep with a big pillow
If You Could Have Any Job You Wanted, What Would It Be? Writer
Are You A Lefty, Righty, Ambidextrous? Righty
Do You Type With Your Fingers On The Right Keys? Yep, most of the time :P
What's Under Your Bed? whatever the dog dragged under there
Favorite Sport To Watch? Baseball, though I haven't watched a game in the longest
What time is it? 11:42pm

Hmm k that was a lot more fun when I had stuff to write in there. I miss the old me.

Gee!

I meant to go to bed long time ago but I told Dingleberry that I'd watch him play a game. He said I sounded so sad but I just wasn't feeling well. When he was done playing Crysis 3, he spent the rest of the night trying to cheer me up by making me read his Tumblr likes with him, and watching red panda videos. I didn't even know they existed! They look like a cross between a raccoon, a fox and a bear. Cute little things too.

I'm sleepy-typing by the way. So after watching these things for a bit, he showed me this video that if you haven't seen it, you must see!

I must go to sleep. I have a therapy appointment in the morning around *counts* 7 hours from now. I really hope I feel better tomorrow and that my ears don't make me feel ill all day :(  Night!

The Sun Always Shines on TV

Sometimes, you have to just pat yourself on the back and be satisfied with that. You can't expect anyone else to see the things you do for the common good. You can't expect anyone else to thank you for anything you've done for them. Some even get snippy about it. You really have to learn to give yourself credit and be proud of the things you do, AND be content with that. Now, go take the trash out before everyone gets home, so you can enjoy the fruits of your labor in peace! *walks away from the mirror*

Update: I added a link to my Pinterest profile on the right over there ~~~~~> I haven't been super active lately but I'm getting back into it. I just wish they hadn't changed their "add pin to blog" feature :(

zzZZzzzz

Sometimes, I'll wake up way too soon for no reason. No one woke me up. The dog hasn't barked. From what I can tell the neighbors are being quiet.

...I hate when this happens...

Faking It

I was having a bad Monday that started stretching into Tuesday but, I refuse to let things get to me. I'll figure this out. I always do. But for now, I'm watching this!: Saving Mrs. Go Bong Shil

I started watching Saving Mrs. Go Bong Shil months ago and walked away for awhile. I think that's part of the problem. Sometimes, I just don't feel like doing the things I like, or talking to people I love, or listening to songs that make me chair dance. I think I need to just, push ahead. The whole "fake it til you make it" thing.

Tonight, I decided to watch this and "fake it" but I'm sitting here busting up laughing. I'm glad I decided to watch it. Maybe tomorrow, I'll open Yahoo and talk to Ken. I miss him. Hmm actually I think I'll open it up now.

I'm Just a Soul Whose Intentions Are Good

I think I need a Fun Day, so today, I'm only going to do something if it's fun, or it has the potential for fun! That also includes bringing books or whatever with me during those non-fun moments. Today is MY day, got it?!

I'm allowed to be selfish once in awhile. I want what I want. Why not? Some people live like that everyday. So, just for today, Saturday, I'm going to have what I want, or something like it :D

Some More of That SL Goodness

Last night, a few of us jumped on voice chat, put on fattie shapes, and went to some fashion spots. It was hilarious and we had a good time. In this screen cap, I'm stuck in the ground. The ground couldn't hold me :(

I've been trying to crack down on my Second Life spending. A friend (my babeh) suggested that I send my alt all but 300L. I'm also not to spend any Lindens unless I "have to". I've done pretty well so far. I still have my 300L! :D Do you know how hard it was to pass up these headphones I wanted?!

 

You can find the link to their SURL at: Balaclava.

-{Mish-Mash}- Skybox v1

I should think of a name for this skybox besides v1. I mean, it's a cute, nicely sized skybox. It deserves a name!

Dingleberry!

I have a friend that I love very much. He makes me crazy with his drama and silly decisions, but I love him all the same. He asked me to watch an anime with him tonight and I did. It's a good one. It's called Attack on Titans.

I've never really considered myself an "anime person" but this one really is good, and nicely done. Think I'll watch some more.

Success!

Something I made with Celzium on SL. I think it turned out nice. My book nook :)  Now to figure out how to add poses to it.

hmmph

Being really into a guy and not having any time or energy for him just sucks.

Feeling Ick

I am such a wreck sometimes. I let things get to me and break me down until I'm nothing but a big ball of panic and anxiety. I can't stand it.

Tonight is what I call a "Xanax worthy" panic attack night. I only have 3 Xanax pills. I try to use them when truly necessary, and tonight, I needed one. I've been having panic attacks off and on for over a week and, I needed to try to break that cycle. The thing is, it's not helping. I'm still jumpy, edgy, over-thinking, catastrophizing, etc, etc. I'm a mess!

My heart is racing. I'm really hot and feel kind of feverish. I keep getting these bizarre random symptoms. During the calm moments in between, I do some self talk and try to rationalize with myself. "You've been through this before. You're not dying. You can get through this. Face it and it will get easier! People can't die from panic attacks. This IS a panic attack." I have a whole list of them somewhere. I'd take another one but I just wanted to take the edge off, not knock myself out. Besides... there are only TWO left. My preciousesssss... haha. Yeah, not taking anymore.

I think I should jump back into that anxiety program. I don't know if it will help but it's at least a step in the right direction. It's also something to do in between therapy sessions since they seem to be few and far between. (All the therapists at my doctor's office are over-booked.)

I need a distraction tonight but, everyone distracting is either busy or asleep. Want to know how preoccupied I am with this? I've been looking for half an hour for my earplugs to tone down some of the noise, and I had totally forgotten that I put them in an hour ago. Yeah, really.

Cha cha CHA

This is a great "cleaning and dancing in the kitchen" type of song. I don't know how to cha-cha, but my Dad used to do it around the living room when I was a kid. He was a dance instructor for awhile before he met my mom. The man was a charmer. He'd dance, play guitar, sing, flirt lol. I'm my father's daughter, but I never learned how to do ANY of those things.

Just My Luck... :P

I want these nails! Nails seem to be my latest SL addiction. I told myself I won't buy any for awhile til I start making some more lindens, so I'll wait patiently for these freebies.

Candy Nail has some really cute stuff. Sculpted nails, not the appliers. Go to their blog for the surl: Candy Nail

Just Another Day in Second Life...

I found my title :D  I won't be doing these regularly but, I'm having fun with this. The latest installment...

 What started out as nail shopping with Lala turned into a predicament!

This place is located at: *CaNDy NaiL* in Second Life.

Bunch of Stuff

It's been a bit of a struggle lately. The car broke down two weeks ago. The transmission died suddenly. Maybe it's repairable but, it would have cost more than the car is worth and, we were just ready for a "new" car.

Long story short, we are the new owners of an OLD Lexus. It was all our income would allow for. We bought it as-is and already we see a problem, and we're hoping it's not a big one. It smokes. We're not sure where the smoke is coming from, but it smells like oil. The oil pressure light hasn't come on. There is enough oil in it. I'm hoping someone just spilled oil during maintenance and it's burning itself off or something. Praying for it!

School starts this week, and because of the car situation, this creates another "hardship". The kids need school clothes. They also need binders and backpacks. I'm not sure what we'll do but, the kids are putting on a brave front and trying to be good sports about it.

On a positive note... school starts this week! I'll have some daytime alone time again :D I'll probably spend it cleaning and walking the dog but, soon I'll get a routine going and do some productive things.

I've pulled my sewing machine out of storage, and already it's been put to good use. The girl next door asked me to sew the seam on a blouse for her. I also pulled out some hanging quilt kits so maybe I'll start working on those soon.

For now, I think I'll make myself a bean and cheese burrito and jump on Minecraft.

Still Working on a Title

I've been wanting to start making random comic panels again, and I thought this would be a great start. I popped over to Genesis' to check out the really cool ship that Rin had put in, and he brings his dog over, Rembrandt. Apparently you can make him sleep only, unless you have particles showing, the... dog... looks... dead :( I had to turn particles back on to see the Zzz's.

I still haven't thought of a name for my panels. I was going to go with Hmm... but I'm thinking, I might just keep using Mish-Mash. Eh, I'll keep thinking about it.

-{Mish-Mash}- Custom Photo Pendant Order Form

(Copy and paste this into a note card and send to Talulah Munro. Include the subject heading please.)

This is the order form for the -{Mish-Mash}- Photo Pendant w/ chain. 

All necklaces are MODIFIABLE.  You choose if you want it COPY/NO TRANSFER or NO COPY/TRANSFERABLE.

As you can see, this is fully customizable.  You can choose:
1. Metal (silver, gold, copper) or color to be used.:

2. Shape of the pendant.  Circle, Square, Star (more to come):

3. Your own photo.  You can drag the photo into this order form and send it, or send me the photo when you contact me for confirmation.:

4. Method of delivery (gift for someone?  I will IM for more details):

5: No Copy or No Transfer:

6. Touch message.  Yes, you can have the pendant say a personal message in the log for everyone to see.  This is activated by touch.:


Submit this form to me, Talulah Munro.  I will IM you to confirm the order and then I will start creating it.  Payment is to be made right before delivery.


Thanks for your business,
Talulah Munro
-{Mish-Mash}-