Lately...

I'm still in the process of moving. We should have been out of here a week ago but my sister is making it very difficult. She keeps borrowing the car when we need to move things and keeping it for half the day. Then she comes home and stresses my mother out. I can't wait to be away from the drama. It would make thing a lot easier if my mother could say 'no'.

Ding Dongs!

I haven't had one of these in forever. I shared a pack with my nephew. I had to. They were super sweet.

I'm still moving. It's taking forever. I can't wait to get this done. So much stuff going on but I'm too sleepy to write very much. Going to get all of this moving stuff out of my bed and go to sleep.

zzzZzZzzzzz....

No Net = Anxiety/Panic... *breathes*

My internet goes off today. I don't do very well without it. It's become part of my anti-anxiety toolbox for years. When things get bad, I can listen to music, write, chat with like minded people about a million things. I can get on WoW and kill things or other players. I can find a book to download and read.

In any case, I can post from my cell or the library, and anyone who cares to read this can witness my descent into madness! I think it will be a mixed blessing. There are a few things I've been avoiding and, I will now have to face them. I'm slightly worried about it but, I think I'll be okay. I haven't lost my mind yet, so I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen....

10-14-12

My mom woke me up at the butt-crack of dawn to ask me if she can have my hair dye. Really?! I haven't dyed my hair in 2 years, and it shows. I have gray hair I had forgotten about!

Today: more packing, and I'm going to have to start with books :( I love my books. My books are like my children, or like, organs I feel I might die without! I know.... The reality is, unless they're out of print, I don't need to keep them. I can find them probably at thrift stores or used bookstores when I get my own place. I'm keeping my giant annotated version of Edgar Allan Poe though! I think I want to be buried with it. I guess I can get rid of a bunch of them.

I was deleting old messages from Facebook and saw one thread I had with a friend from high school named Troy. He's the guy I thought I was going to marry for some reason. So not my type now. As I was looking at his wedding pictures I saw an old mutual friend of ours, Jared S. This guy was super sweet and hilarious. I knew he had problems that he never talked about. I always wished good things for him. Looking at Troy's Facebook, I found out that Jared passed away. I don't know how so I messaged Troy for information. It's just so sad to me. 

My Favorite Planet ♥

I love the friendship that me and My Favorite Planet have. We've always had this connection where, we can talk about anything and everything at any time. If we don't talk for awhile, we miss each other, and I usually find some way to reach him. If I don't have the net, I'll email him, though no one emails anymore. It's all about that texting. Does anyone snail-mail anymore? I'd love to do that sometimes.  Anyway I'm getting off the subject. I guess I'll just simplify it by posting this:


MFP: you logged on and i'm about to go to sleep
Me: aww that sucks
MFP: you told me you loved me last night
Me: well you sleep nicely :)  I'll be off and on all day. slowly packing my stuff and cleaning the car out ect
Me: I do :)
Me: I even blogged it
MFP: and then logged off all fast like you were ashamed
Me: why would I be ashamed? lol I was dozing off
MFP: lol
MFP: ashamed in that cute way
MFP: where you're not really ashamed
MFP: but just kinda are
MFP: makes sense right
Me: lol no
Me: I always tell you I love you. just sometimes it's something like a simple ♥! or, lyhisname! or I don't know. I haven't stabbed you yet. that's a term of endearment for mexicans
MFP: it just doesn't make sense to you because you can't remember what it's like to be cute
Me: no, I'm cute all the time! *bats eyelashes and junk*
MFP: not convicing at all
MFP:  :/
Me: you were cute last night too. I was like, aww he's being nice! haha
MFP: is that the only reason why you said it
MFP: you thought i was being cute
MFP: maybe i was drunk
MFP: and you were taking advantage of me
MFP: like in an internet chat box kind of way
MFP: and a totally non sexual way
Me: nope, I say it all the time in my own way. plus, I'm happy that things are getting better for you
Me: and I wanted to say so
MFP: so basically taking advantage of me the same way a person might take advantage of a neighborhood cat following you home hoping you might give it cat food
MFP: do you have cat food btw
MFP: just wondering
MFP: not hungry or anything
Me: well duh it was non sexual. I didn't start off with, "I love you *slowly unhooks my bra*"
Me: we have dog food and, hmm some trail mix
MFP: that actually would've been a really awkward sexual thing to do
MFP: i mean imagine saying that to a guy just like that
MFP: he'd be like
MFP: what?
MFP: why are you saying that now
MFP: is this something we have to stop and talk about
Me: lol
Me: mood killer *puts it back on*
MFP: the mood killer is saying 'i love you' during sex
Me: you think so? I sometimes like to hear it before hand
Me: I sometimes wish it wasn't that complicated
MFP: i don't know, maybe it's not
MFP: but anyway
MFP: sex is an extension of love
MFP: and you've already mentioned you love me
MFP: so...
MFP: where does this lead us
MFP: i love you *unhooks your bra*
MFP: oh man
MFP: i can't even do it as a joke
Me: lol
MFP: i feel all dirty now

. . . . . .later...
MFP: anyway i just thought that was funny
MFP: i mean i've seen you say ♥ to me before
MFP: but it seemed like that was the first time you've said 'i love you' spelled out like that or maybe first time in a while
Me: nope, I've said it before
Me: and you've said it to me too
MFP: i'd say it back but then i'd feel like i have to define precisely what i mean by the term love
MFP: and that sounds like way too much work
MFP: no offense
Me: why would you? lol I know what it doesn't mean, and I'd assume it meant the same thing I meant
MFP: well, it's possibly one of the msot vague words in the human language
MFP: it has dozens of translations in other languages, in same case
MFP: we use the same word to denote the way we love a hobby, the way we love a pet, the way we love a car, the way we love a lover, and the way we love a friend
MFP: the way we love a family member
MFP: all of those being completely different feelings from each other
MFP: you might be telling me you love me and i'd assume you meant as a friend
MFP: but you might actually mean you love me as a car
MFP: i'd have no way of knowing!
MFP: you see how confusing that is
Me: I love you as I do my computer *nods*
Me: meaning, I don't ever want you to be broken, and if you are, I'd try to fix you. and I don't want to be without you because, I kind of need you
MFP: that was even cuter
MFP: that was even cuter than you were last night
MFP: i feel like you and i are in some music video
MFP: where we're falling in love and we just don't know it yet
Me: a cute music video?
MFP: we're still being all dorky with each other
Me: lol really? I was thinking that too, because of this lame movie I'm watching. well not like that just, "what if I was falling in love with someone and didn't know it"
MFP: and then by the end we've fallen for each other and the people watching the video have all died from the sappy pop-punk music playing
Me: psh we'd hopefully have better music
MFP: how about the final countdown
Me: that works lol
MFP: damn right it does
Me: I don't think you could fall in love with me though. you can't even take off my bra without freaking out
MFP: well, you had a ferret in there
MFP: what are you doing keeping a ferret in there anyway?
Me: it's where I keep all of my favorite things
Me: that's where my cell and mp3 player go too
Me: though lately I keep thinking, what if some weird EMP/scary radiation thing happens when people text me, and every time it goes off, it starts to cook my organs it's closest to
MFP: doesn't that make it a little awkward to pick up calls, or do your boobs have some special talent that i'm not aware of yet
Me: you'll never know
MFP: and you called me the mood killer
Me: what sucks is when I'm washing dishes and someone calls, because then I have to dry my hands before reaching in there and hope they haven't hung up
MFP: yeah, i can relate to that
Me: can you?
MFP: btw, don't worry about emp/scary radiation thing from the cell phone cooking your organs
MFP: you're a mexican, cooked organs are a delicacy
Me: you'd eat my organs if I died right? if it were one of my last wishes?
MFP: well, i couldn't deny the dying wishes of one of my best friends

Moving Day 1

Last night I wrote a long'ish entry about how much I've been journaling, for how long, and a bunch of other stuff. It got lost in my browser restart. Firefox is great but they sure have a lot of updates.

Today we start moving. I don't care how lazy everyone else is. If they're not doing anything, I'll move MY stuff and get moved in myself and then gradually help them move in too. First things first though. The car needs cleaning out so we can load it up. Going to try to get the kids to help out with that. Whoever helps out the most can pick what we have for dinner tonight or something.

Slept through the alarm. I wish I hadn't. I've been fixing my sleep all week, waking up at 7am and trying to maintain it. It seems like, ever since I started fixing my sleep, I'm so much busier. Not sure why that is.

Got to spend some time with My Favorite Planet last night and, he was being super sweet. He's family to me. I don't know what I would do without him in my life. He's been working on some things and I'm feeling really hopeful for him. I want him to be happy and have a great life. I want to get good news from him, and hear good things about him. I love him.

I got to spend a lot of time with SKK too, yesterday. He's feeling insecure about a lot of things and, as his girlfriend, I think all I can do is give that time. He's been hurt a lot so I'm not upset about how he's feeling. I just wish I could take that away, make it easier on him somehow. I've been hurt a lot too so, I can empathize with how he's feeling. My poor Sweetheart.

I talked to Dingleberry for a bit yesterday, watched him play some Starcraft 2. He's Diamond rank 4 now.  I figure it's only a matter of time until he makes Masters. He really is improving quickly with all the practice he's been doing. As angry as he makes me, I can't help but want good things for him. If doing tourney's and making it pro are what he wants, then I hope he makes it. Maybe then he'll be a bit happier and, things won't be so bad for him.

Time to get dressed and start doing what needs doing. I love my morning... or mid-morning quiet time..

I found some really nice geisha prints at my favorite thrift store yesterday for 10c! I'll probably use them to cover some hand-bound books or make envelopes.

From Faith Ep16

Faith Episode 16

"There isn't a 'him' for me. Even if I date a man and try to fall in love with him, my mind isn't open completely for a man. Even if my heart seems to be open, it stops, and stops or it gets cold.... or I get lazy and close my mind and hide myself. I always thought to myself that this man isn't the right man for me. This isn't right. The same thing happened when I met Choi Young too. I always draw a line and tell him not to cross over in my mind. I didn't do that because I know I have to leave him eventually. It's just my heart doesn't want it. If I stay with him... sometimes I miss him so much and feel very comfortable. But he can't be 'him'. And whenever I look back, he's always there, and he looks at me. Even if I can't see him, if I ask him where he is, he always says he's here...."

It's translated from a Korean monologue, and paraphrased, but, I know where this character is coming from. As much as I want to be all in, 100% in a relationship and 100% open, something inside of me doesn't let that happen. SKK has told me he's loved me for 10 years. He's been there off and on for me, wanted to be with me, wanted to be here with me. I kept telling myself he was the wrong guy, or I was the wrong woman for him.

Now, I don't want to lose him.

Source: imgfave.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Moving, yay!

Going to be moving soon so lots of cleaning and packing coming up. I'm feeling positive about it though! Job hunting, walking, better neighborhood, fresh start.

---

Since I'm not sure how long it will be before I have the internet reestablished, I'll be posting from my cell now and then, and then fleshing it out later if I'm missing anything, probably from the library or, wherever I can find a wifi connection.

I'm seeing positive things ahead. Time to start those To Do lists. Hmm wonder if Flylady has a moving protocol... I must look!

Cheese is Good Stuff

I wanted to list all of the reasons I love him, and then I realized, there just wasn't enough paper.

I texted that to my boyfriend and his reply was, "Oh how cheesy". That made me smile of course, because, as much as he always calls stuff like that, he's the first to say the mushiest stuff. 

Reason #1: He loves me despite how cheesy my texts are!

 

:D

Source: 24.media.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

It's supposed to be animated. Not sure what's up with that.

Notes From the Past

I was sorting through laundry and found a pair of pants in the closet that I haven't worn since apparently, the beginning of the year. Inside the pocket was a note I had taken on a napkin where I had written about how much I miss my ex-boyfriend, Rich. Rich and I broke up in hmm January? He loved me and, I didn't realize how much he meant to me until it was too late. He tried being patient, holding on for months and, I wasn't in a good place to have a relationship. I was dealing with a lot of the things I'm still dealing with.

The note in my pocket: 

Lost cause or not, I love Rich G. He is a good man. He makes me smile. He makes me happy. He loves me unconditionally. I wish I hadn't taken him for granted. Stupid me.

Lesson's Learned:

Dave - don't hold back

Rich - don't take him for granted

Ricky - don't let my fears get in the way

Teek - have fun

Chris - 'whatevs', don't sweat the small stuff

Shaun - don't hesitate. go with my gut.

zzzzz

I'm so anxious and stressed, but I'm too tired to meditate :(

Sharing is...

I had a nice, quiet night set up. Dingleberry wanted to watch something together via Skype, so we grabbed our food, snacks, whatever, and settled in. He wanted to introduce me to the Big Bang Theory since I had never watched it. The pilot was hilarious. We had started the 2nd episode when my mom comes into my room, and tells me that I needed to pick my sister up and bring her over. She was having some type of crisis.

I have a personal policy. If I'm going to be inconvenienced over 'sister drama', my mom has to come with me. I don't enable them, indulge their behaviors or or feel I have to deal with whatever it is they're doing, if I don't have to. Call me cold or cruel but, I have my own mental/emotional health to worry about. 

My sister came back with us, and I still have Dingleberry on Skype so I teach her how to use it, and we get into a call with him. I'm glad they met each other. It was fun talking to them both. He got a chance to listen to some stories he hasn't heard yet. My sister got to "meet" one of my online friends that I spend a lot of time with. 

I guess I'm just glad that I was able to share something of myself with them. I'm not much of a sharer'er. I will answer any question. I'm an open book. But there's so much I leave out, and keep to myself.  I'm a very reserved person....

Now, it's 4:39am, I'm sleepy, sugared up, and I want to go to bed. Hopefully he wants to try to have a nice quiet night tomorrow instead.

Sleepy Babbling

I'm just NOW getting to sleep. I meant to go to bed at 4am but Dingleberry wanted to talk on Skype so I could watch him play some SC2. Then we got busy watching Tasteosis vids which had us busting up laughing. Then, since I said I've never seen I Love You Man, we decided to watch it. He fell asleep on Skype and I'm just now going to bed. So...his fault *nods*

None of that would be an issue if my son wasn't coming over to hang out. I need to take him to pick up his medication, and then take him grocery shopping. He's out of everything, my poor baby. He's 22, but, he's bi-polar with Aspergers, so, he needs me to do a lot for him still. I just hope I get enough sleep before having to do all this.  I really don't like driving on only a few hours sleep. If they let me sleep til 4'ish, I can get 5 hours sleep.... It's sad that I have to do the math every time my sleep gets screwed up.

Enough sleepy babbling. I really need to get some sleep.

He Is.