Nuts

It's been a rough month. My son had decided to quit taking his bi-polar medication and ended up in the hospital. It was really hard for us both. I thought I had lost him. Half of the time, he didn't know I was there with him. It broke my heart.

I had some bad depression. I have my bad moments, bad days, bad weeks, but I've never felt like I did this time. It didn't last long and I was PMS'ing at the time so I'm pretty sure it was hormone related. It scared the hell out of me. I have never felt so empty, hopeless, dark. That scene in Neverending Story, where the horse is trapped in the pits of despair and just wanted to let himself die... I would never hurt myself, ever, but I imagine that's what it felt like. Like, nothing mattered. I don't want to feel that way again. I hope it's not a regular thing.

Soon after that, I got bad palpitations for a few weeks. I'm still getting them randomly. I went to the emergency room and they checked my heart. X-ray, EKG, blood work. They said my heart was fine. I don't know why this keeps happening and why now. I haven't had palpitations in so long. I just bear with them and wait til my next doctor's appointment. I pray a lot. I hate that it makes me worry about my health all the time.

Jett left me, again. I'm not enough for him. I'm busy with kids, my mom, tons of driving. I thought he would understand because he has kids himself. I also thought he knew how I felt about him, and how much he means to me. I don't think he'll ever accept that I love him. He will always have doubts. I can't fix that.

I've been here before. The reason Gar left was the same. He couldn't handle that I was busy with my family. When I told Jett this, he said that was stupid, but, look where we are.

I was up all night thinking and, trying to keep busy so I didn't think too much. I listened to music, played League of Angels II, got on Palace and talked to my sis for a bit. Now, it's 6am and I haven't heard a thing from him. I need to sleep. I just wish my heart was steady. It keeps skipping beats and stopping. It's driving me nuts.

By the way, some good things did happen too but, I needed to vent.  I also wanted to get these things down. Going to bed now.

Bandaids

I just saw the cutest little girl while at the pharmacy. She just got her shots. Both arms have bandaids.

My son isn't doing well. His mental health issues are getting worse. On top of that he is refusing to take his medication properly.

I had a dream about him the other night. He was 5 and in his little letterman's jacket and baseball hat. He was walking and holding my hand. I miss that little guy. I miss his big smiles, his energy. He was the coolest, most loveable kid.

I watch him suffering now and it breaks my heart. I miss the days where his only worry when at the doctor's was whether a shot would hurt. When I knew I just had to kiss it to make it better. I can't love this pain away.

Good stuff

I've been on a diet for around a month. I've done really well, until today. I had two breadsticks! Oh I also had an after-dinner mint. I don't feel too badly. I did my best for being in a pasta restaurant :)

I don't know why it's the little things that set me off. The big things I can handle. The little things, not at all.

Depression.... Fun Stuff

Recently, I've been diagnosed with depression. I knew I had some depression, because it usually comes along with anxiety. I could always shake it off though. I always thought, "I'm just having a bad day... month... week..." and I'd wait for it to pass. Now, I feel like, this is something I don't know how to work with.

I think the hardest part is, I have to do this pretty much entirely on my own. I'm in therapy though so, at least that's something...

I don't want medication. It's not something that is getting in the way. I just cry more, hurt more, feel more, and feel hopeless sometimes. I need to do some research and figure out what my next step is.

Random Stuff

I'm watching the older nieces pug for a bit. I didn't even know that they came in this size O_O

She keeps sitting on me... like putting her big pug butt on me while she looks around. Rude! Cute dog otherwise.

SL Stuff

I really need to quit talking so much. I went and talked myself into a really messed up situation, and I don't know if I can get out of this. I can't on my own anyway.

In other news... I've been on SL more, just freebie shopping mostly. I've been working on a few projects. I need to make lindens again because I'm actually going to buy a mesh body! I haven't really seen the need for it since I'm always happy however I am. I think my avatar is cute and I never run out of stuff to wear. But I know it's important to Jett, and I love doing things that make him happy.

Now I just need 1000L's...

Blue Skies

Sometimes, I don't know whether to censor myself, my emotions and feelings.... or whether I should keep everything authentic as a reminder that, I'm not always what's in my head.

Like I mentioned in the last post, this has lately, been pretty much, my dumping ground. I purge everything yucky out here, so I'm not dumping them on anyone in my life. But do I want to look at this, and just see a bunch of negative?

My gut tells me, "This is You. Some of it may be You during times of distress, anxiety, and overthinking. Own it. It's a mirror. A warped and distorted mirror, but a mirror. Keep it real, and make your reality better."

...On a positive note, today was my nieces 14th birthday party. We barbecued, hung out, and enjoyed the day. We were worried that it was going to rain, because the weather site has predicted it all week, but nope. Today was awesome :) Look at the blue sky!

Speechless

I feel like my heart is breaking. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Sometimes, I just want to scream it out until I don't feel anything but emptiness. Emptiness is better than what I'm feeling right now.

I know that for awhile I only write the negative. But the positive, I share with my boyfriend. This is the stuff that's on my mind, that I feel I can't tell him. So he doesn't feel he has to fix me, or that I'm too much work, or that I'm someone who can't figure stuff out.

What he thinks about me, is very important to me. I guess I'm just afraid that I'm not enough and at the same time, too much. ....and that he'll leave.

Stardust

Tonight, I watched Stardust. I love that movie :D There's a quote in it about love that I wanted to post so I don't lose it.

"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

Sounds lovely.

The couple that I mentioned in the previous post... they got back together :) I'm happy for them. I love hearing about couples who fight for what they have. It gives me hope.

I believe in love!

 

I Will Go Down With This Ship

Someone played this on Palace earlier, and I had never paid attention to the lyrics before...

I know of a couple on Palace that recently broke up, well yesterday. I liked them together. They made sense. They were moving towards a future offline. She was getting her passport to go see him. But... people got in the way, as they do.

They love each other, miss each other, but they're angry at each other because of the things people have said. They're not speaking now. It's sad to me.

Dido - White Flag
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

...No Matter What

He said, "There is no me in palace." Yes... there is.

I was trying to play. I can't even finish.

Hope.. blah

I try not to hope. When I have hope, I always get kicked in the teeth.

I had a long talk with a good friend this morning and, it gave me some perspective about a few things that are going on in my life and in the world. I'll write more about it tomorrow. I need to try to sleep. I'm really not sleeping well lately.

Good night Universe.

Oh How I Wish That It Would Rain

I knew that if Jett and I took that step towards being more than friends, that there was a huge possibility that I would lose him forever. ....

He was always my hero and my champion. I miss him.

Thoughts

I'm going to try to think positively. I miss my positive self. Maybe if I were my positive self, and did things that made me happy, it would help the people around me.

Right now, I feel lost, sad, crappy, and just like I'm in a hole. I've felt this way for awhile. Only way to go from here is up.

Checking In

My poor dog has been sick for the past week. Most of the time, she just laid in my arms or at my feet. Today she seems more chipper and her crate is clean. Breathing a huge sigh of relief. My poor baby!...

Nothing much going on right now. The holidays came and left. It's been really cold but I bought a thick blanket and warmer pj's.

I'm still playing WoW. Jett PROMISED me that he'd play with me once the holidays were over but I haven't heard from him in a few weeks. I miss playing with him.

I've been leveling a toon on an Aussie server with a woman I know from WoW. It's been fun.

More Than Words

I was up watching Heartland again. It was a sad episode. My favorite couple is done. I don't do well with endings. It's made me think though. I'm not talking about the show here but in general. How do two people who love each other, let everything get between them, or just let everything go? I never understood that.

When I love someone, I love them with all of my heart. I know I don't show it very well. I think that comes from being raised in a family where, no one shows love. I've only remembered 3 hugs in my life, from either of my parents. I feel it though, deep, aching, lasting love. Devotion, loyalty. I hold onto my relationships until I can't. I'm horrible at expressing that though. All I have, are words.

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Nothing new going on in my life right now. I've been on a diet, trying to bring my cholesterol and blood sugar down. I've been feeling so unwell lately. I'm not taking care of myself like I should be, and I need to. I'm not a kid anymore. Stuff doesn't work the way it used to and nothing bounces back either. If I miss sleep, I feel it. If I eat wrong, I feel that too. It's time.

I'm freezing and since my man isn't here to warm me up, I'm going to grab that 3rd blanket and snuggle up with my doggies. Good night/morning Universe.