Thoughts Before Bed #9

I had a busy day. In the morning, my mom had a doctor's appointment. They made an appointment to do a brain scan on her, to see whether she has Alzheimers. She's been doing and saying a lot of strange things lately so they want to see what's going on with her brain. It could even be something different like her thyroid or a few other things. On a positive, she lost weight. Cooking at home and not eating fast food for 2 months, made a difference. My cooking is healthy!

The middle kid had a job interview today at our favorite sushi place. If she gets it, we can get a discount :D After the interview, we went to pick up driver's manuals from the DMV. Both of the girls want to get their permits. Scary! I'm going to pay for lessons for them. I'd rather they learn good habits from a professional than learning how to drive, through friends.

We went to a Mexican restaurant we haven't been to yet. It was really good. I want to start doing and trying new things. After we got home, the middle kid made brownies.

More stuff happened today but I'm getting tired. I've been tired all day but I was waiting until everyone was asleep so no one would bother me. Now, I'm going to get in bed with my crossword puzzle and my book, and see how long it takes me to doze off. I'm going to say 15 mins.... Good night Universe.

Still Checking Out Sales

I found this at the store for $2 since it's on Christmas clearance. I love this movie! It's one of the movies I watch every Christmas season :D I'm going to use the tin to hold my craft stuff.

I'm Not Here - Updated

I had a bad dream again. I was with him, but he didn't see me. I'd talk to him, and it was like I was invisible. I didn't matter. I yelled at him... pushed his mouse on the floor.... All he did was pick it up like I wasn't there.

I'm going back to sleep.
===================================
Just as I was falling asleep, my phone lit up and my net Mom says "are you okay?" It was like she knew. So I told her about my dream but she wasn't there and my "sis" was. So I talked about the dream with her, and all she said was, "I won't judge you". Not sure what she would judge me about. I can't control my dreams.

The more I think about it, the more I realize, it's just a stupid dream. I'm invisible to him. So what? All that means is, he meant more to me than I meant to him. I knew that already. So, I'm going to bed now.

If I dream about him again, maybe I'll wake up in the dream and flip him off. Fuck you babe. Seriously, fuck you.

Mmmm

Hot lemon tea with honey warms the soul...

Trying Not To Break the Car...

I picked up the spark plug wires for the car. Now I get to learn how to put them in. I hope I don't break anything! Times like this, I wish I had someone around who knew something about cars :x It shouldn't be too hard, because it's all up on top and in front. I won't have to go underneath anything. I'll watch the vid again, just in case...

I need to fix my sleep again. I was doing fine for 2 months waking up at 7am, but the last few days I've been sleeping in. I know it's because the kids are up later and being louder longer. I need to fix this before it gets out of hand again. I was so proud of myself! I feel like I failed when I sleep in too late now.

I'm going to do a bunch of cleaning and scrubbing so I can wear myself out for tonight. BBL!

I've been struggling with some things all day. Thoughts and feelings. I wish it would stop for awhile.

I Will Go Down With This Ship

Dido - White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction
To come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Thoughts Before Bed #8

We went to the after Christmas sales today. I didn't find much, but I don't really want or need anything. I DID find a really cool cordless, bluetooth headset that has FM radio on it. That would have come in handy during the fires. I bought a new flashlight that has a screwdriver and other things inside of it. I bought a few other things. Everything was on sale for 50% off and for the house.

I made pizza and hot wings for dinner. For dessert I just had a few chocolates I was craving. I really need to watch myself. I've eaten sweets during the holiday. I'll behave from now on though. I have a dr's appointment in a few weeks to check on some lumps we were watching. She'll want to see my blood sugar too. Time to start working on that better.

I bought a new calendar for the upcoming year. Tomorrow I'll write birthdays and events in it and hang it in the family area.

...I've been doing a lot of thinking. I have a lot more time for thinking lately. 

I'm going to straighten up some and then get in bed. Good night Universe.

P.S. I want to go home.

Quick Update

I treated myself and bought Cats & Dogs for Sims4. I'll leave it downloading while I'm out and about. The youngest wants to help me make all 3 of our pets later. We'll see how that works :D

I wanted Vamps but, I'll have to wait til the next sale. 

Thoughts Before Bed #7 - Christmas

It was a quiet day. The kids already celebrated with their brother the other day so, we all slept in. When I woke up, I made french toast with lemon butter. It was so good. I told them I'll make them on holidays if they want.

I had an ex-boyfriend whose father always made french toast on the holidays. I thought it was a nice idea but, I never thought to do it myself. Maybe it will give the kids some nice memories. A new tradition to do every year maybe.

My son got kicked out of his group home. He had a meltdown and, they want him out by the end of the month. I'm going to have to make a bunch of calls tomorrow and see what I can do for him. I'm trying not to stress out over this. It's not going to do him any good if I make myself sick. I have a few other things I need to do tomorrow, and I told the kids we'd go shopping for after Christmas sales. Busy, busy day.

A bunch of people have been messaging me, emailing me, or messaging me on FB to get on Palace for the holiday so, I jumped on for a bit earlier. It's not the same. I have some people on there that I think of as family, and that I really care about. The rest, I didn't miss at all. I don't need fake friends, gossip mongers, or anything like that, around me. The only person I want to talk to, doesn't even get on anymore. I'm tired of sleep walking through life, sitting on Palace while time and the rest of the world go by. I'm better than that.

I have plans, and I have goals. I'm going to get my shit together, go back to who I used to be when I was better and stronger, and I'm going to get my man back. I'm not going to do any of that sitting around on palace. 2018 is going to be the year I change things back to the way they're supposed to be. *rawr*

Now, I'm going to take a Benadryl and get in bed with my book. I'm freezing! Good night, Universe!

Thoughts Before Bed #6

I restarted my ASL lessons from the beginning. I was feeling really discouraged. The ASL group I'm in, they're so far ahead of me and they discuss so many things I hadn't even thought about. The grammar for ASL is different than the one for SEE or English. Some words are only for different regions too, and considered dialects. I had never thought of that. I felt really overwhelmed and like, I would never understand it all. I can't give up though.

Today was a busy day again. I'm too tired to write it all down. I'm glad the kids already did their Christmas celebrating when their brother was visiting. I can sleep in til 10 tomorrow. Good night Universe!

P.S. I took some pics of the dogs. I'll try to post them tomorrow. My blogging app doesn't seem to be uploading properly.

Thoughts Before Bed #5

I miss him. I was thinking earlier about how the whole time we were together, I never would have thought that this is how we'd turn out. What happened to us? How is this, what we are now?
==== ==== ==== ==== ==== ==== ==== ==== ====

I had a good day. I went out for my favorite soup. I got some shopping done. I bought a bunch of stuff for the dogs for Christmas. New blankets, some stuffed animals without eyes they can chew off. Cali got a nice sweater with a hood on it. She loves it.

I've been watching Shameless on Netflix. I'm on season 4 now. I think I'm going to switch over to something else. I don't know. I don't feel like watching anything really. I'm in a mood. I hope it doesn't last long.

Thoughts Before Bed #4

I'm going to bed later than usual. This morning, I woke up at 7am like I usually do, but it was so cold, I stayed in bed and slept another 3 hours. I ended up getting 10 hours sleep. Then, I woke up from a nightmare that someone I love was trying to text me. I'd see his pic, see that he texted, and when I'd go to check it, it would disappear :( He was trying to tell me something important, but I couldn't read it. I woke up so anxious.

I had a busy day. I did everything I needed to, except for the car insurance. I also bought birthday cakes for my nephew and niece. They both turned 18! It was a good day :)

Tomorrow, I'm going to do some thrift store shopping and see if I can find some more books. Now that I'm not on Palace, I have more time for reading.

I'm tired and I'm freezing. Setting my alarm clock for 6 hours from now so I don't wreck my sleep. Good night Universe :)

Thoughts Before Bed #3

My nephew left for home today with his wife. They live six, or so, hours away. It was nice having them. They said that eventually, they want to move back this way. I hope they do.

Sometimes, I worry about what will happen to my son if anything happened to me. I think my oldest nephew would take care of him if he's closer. He went to visit him today, and brought his favorite foods over. They surprised him and he was so happy to see them and meet his wife. She was okay with him. She listened to him and didn't think he was "weird" or "retarded" or any other word people use when they don't understand someone with mental illness. I'm glad. She even hugged him good bye and said that family doesn't give handshakes :)

I took the "new" car in for a tune-up and got some stuff done around town. Tomorrow, I pick up my diabetes meds, get insurance on the car, pay the utility bills, and hmmm.... there was something else. I'm sure I'll remember it later. Oh, get a spare key made for the car. Remind me, Universe! So glad I write this stuff down.

MyFavoritePlanet sent me a book earlier. It looks interesting but I might want to read something else first. He always sends me what I consider, heavy reading. Stuff that requires a lot of thought, and right now, my brain is going through enough. I'll see what I find.

MFP is doing okay lately. For those who forgot, MFP is a good friend that I've known for 20 years online. He lives in Hawaii and when he went to college in Cali, I went to go meet him with my son and my boyfriend at the time. He's like a little brother to me. I give him big sisterly advice and he doesn't take any of it... Like a brat brother. When I'm looking for books, he'll send me some. That's his way of taking care of me. If I say I want something online, he'll find it.

It's good to have people in your life, that you can count on.

I'm going to pick one of these books I have, and read them until I fall asleep. Good night Universe :)

Wonder Woman

(I tried to post this the other day but it never Published.)

I saw this big sticker book at Michael's and I had to have it! I've always loved Wonder Woman. 

When I was a little girl, there weren't a lot of women to look up to. There was Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, and a few random women that were "nice" but not bad ass. I'm glad she's still out there being a heroine to a new generation of little kids.

Poke Bowl

I haven't had I one of these poke bowls in months. So good! This one has raw salmon, raw tuna, raw scallops, fish eggs, seaweed salad, crab meat and avocado. Oh, there's some ginger, cucumber and brown rice thrown in too. Yum!

Thoughts Before Bed #2

So.... I jumped on pally for 15 mins. A good friend asked me to and, I didn't want to let her down, She's someone who has always been there for me.

It was boring as hell. It was always boring but now, after being off a week, I kept thinking, "Why did I waste so much time here?" I got on, because earlier, my net mom scolded me. She said I shouldn't let my ex being an asshole, affect me or my decisions. She's right. But, honestly, I really don't want to be there anymore.

I have plans. I'm going to get my man back and have a chance to be happy and to make things the way they should be. I'm praying on this and I'm making things happen.

I'm going to bed later than I wanted to but I set my alarm for the usual time. The kids were up late decorating their gingerbread houses and having fun with their brother. I needed some extra unwinding time.

I'm freezing so I'm going to get under the blankets and do a crossword puzzle until I fall asleep. Good night Universe :)

Thoughts Before Bed #1

It's been a busy past few days. We've had company for the holidays. It's been nice :) We also just got a car so I've been doing last minute shopping and getting some stuff done. Life is good.

I'm going to call my therapist tomorrow and try to get back on the waiting list to see her. In the meantime, I'll be working on my goals and seeing what I can do for myself. I need to get this job started, start making some money and eventually, get a place. I want to move the man I love, here, with me. He's not happy where he is. He keeps talking about moving. Why not here? It's an idea that gives me the motivation to get stuff done.

It's past 1am and I'm going to bed. Good night Universe :)

People who care about me and are worried about me, keep sending me email. They're wondering if I'm okay.

They keep telling me that I'm too good for Jett, and that I'm a better friend than he will ever be. I don't want to hear that. How do they even know that Jett and I aren't speaking? I'm not online so it must be him or his chick talking. Grrr

Walls

GG was on and didn't message me or leave me an offliner. I'm going to take that as a hint that he needs space or just doesn't want to be with me and won't say so. This kills me. I should be okay, right? I waited 3 months TWICE for a man who came back just to call me a cheater and a liar. I should be okay waiting for GG, right?

I can't do this anymore. I can't let anyone in anymore.

Random Survey Found on LJ

Name: Nosi
Zodiac Sign: Gemini :)
Sex: *looks down - sees boobs* Female
What Time Is It? 3:37pm

This is the Last Time

I'm reading old journals from 2001 or so. I realized something. I was ALWAYS waiting on men to get their shit together or come back. I waited a year for my ex-fiance when he was in prison. I stayed faithful, loyal and kept the home fires burning for him. When H20 and I were together, I waited 3 months for him, just to find out he wasn't coming back. With my last ex, I waited 3 months twice, plus a month in November and look how that turned out. He accused me of cheating and then told me to take his tag off. I waited for a year when Nautica left, and when he came back, I realized, he wasn't worth the wait. Now, here I am again, waiting for a man to figure out what he wants.

I should prepare myself. I have a feeling he'll be back and tell me that, I'm not what he wants, or that he wants different things. *takes a breath and tries not to cry*

Snow Patrol - Run

"I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done.

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do."

This Again

Four days and no GG. I don't know if I can do this anymore. This hurts too much. It reminds me of when I waited for someone else. I waited three months (twice) feeling like this every day. Hurting, missing him, wondering if he is thinking about me or missing me. I can't do this again.

I don't do well losing people or being left.

Still Working On It

For two days now, I've meditated in the morning. I'm not sure if it's the right meditation I should be doing for anxiety, but it feels good. I'm taking time out for myself to give some positive energy to my day. I'm doing something to take care of myself. I've fixed my sleep, and now I'm meditating. Let's see what other goals I have that I can meet before the year is over :)

I still haven't heard from GG, and that's fine. I know he loves me. What I'm worried about and afraid of is how things will be when he gets back. Will he be distant? Will we be different? What if he decides that I'm too much for him and he doesn't come back? I don't think that will happen but I can't help but worry about it.

It's my fault. I wanted to keep the peace between myself and Jett. I thought he was my best friend. I know he's not though. A best friend wouldn't delete me just because I found out he was lying about being back with his abusive gf. A best friend would be there for me if I were hurting, the way I was there for him when he was hurting. A best friend doesn't abandon you. I'm an idiot. I only wanted to see the good in him but the good isn't there anymore. He's not the man I used to know, and he's not the man I fought for for 2 years.

He is not worth losing GG over. Nope.

This quote I saw on FB says it all ;)

Love Creates Happiness

I'm watching Once Upon a Time on Netflix. Prince Charming said "Losing my life for love... that's a sacrifice I am happy to make." I love this show. It's about fairy tales and happily ever after, but a lot of it is about love.

My favorite Once Upon a Time quote:
"Love, true love, is magic. And not just any magic – the most powerful magic of all. It creates happiness.”

Not Ready

I had my mom help me with lunch. She's not doing very well. It took her so long to cut one potato, and when I looked at it, it was very messy and cut really badly. I looked like the potatoes I used to do when I was 5 :( This is killing me.

Kick Ass

I slept in til 11. Not good but I got plenty of sleep. For around a month, I've fixed my sleep and maintained it. I know it may not seem like much, but I'm proud of myself. This is the longest I've ever been able to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. Go me :D

I'm going to check my Flylady routine on the Cozi calendar. I haven't done that in months. Flylady is a system for cleaning and taking care of your home. I do it every few years when I want to get organized and Spring clean.

I need some structure. If I'm going to be able to help get this business off the ground, I need a schedule, and a better way of doing things. Right now... I'm going to make myself a 2nd cup of coffee, and go kick some ass. Life is good :)

P.S. I miss my friends, but, I feel a lot better about myself now that I've quit Palace, Skype and FB. I feel like less of a loser for sitting around online. I should have done this long time ago!

*dances around the room*

I miss my GG.

I'd love to write more about GG but, I try not to. I like to keep us... separate from everything. He is a truly good man who leads a quiet life. He is brilliant and wise. We don't fight. He's not drama. He looks out for me. He builds me up. He makes me feel loved and wanted and cared for. He sees me, and he knows me. He loves and adores me. I wish I could hold him right now.

This was one of his happy songs :)

Owl City - Fireflies

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance

A foxtrot above my head
A sock hop beneath my bed
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread (thread, thread)

Leave my door open just a crack
Please take me away from here
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
Please take me away from here
Why do I tire of counting sheep
Please take me away from here
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

To ten million fireflies
I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell (said farewell)

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar (jar, jar)

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems (when I fall asleep)

The Pattern

Yeah, it's happening again. This feeling where I just lost my best friend, even though he's an asshole who drops me when his skeezy gf comes back. They've only been together for four months, but this happens all the time. She'll hurt him and he'll come to me. I'll listen, stand by him, show him why he needs to quit making the same mistake of letting her hurt him. Then she'll wait a few days while passive aggressively texting and "not texting" him. Finally she'll see that he's almost ready to move on, and she'll contact him (or this time his family), and get him back.

Then, from him, comes the lying and the excuses. Every time she gets him back, he lies about it, and then, he tells her the things I said, and she convinces him to delete and block me. Every fucking time. I knew it. I called it days ago when I told him what the pattern was. The sad part about it is, as angry as I am at him, and as hurt as I am by him, I can't imagine telling him to fuck off when he needs me. I should. He makes me so mad sometimes. But, I can't stand to see him in pain. It kills me. ....and then HE kills me.

When she gets bored again, when she's tired of faking that she really missed him and loves him, she's going to pick a fight again, probably on the weekend or a Friday. He's going to message me and tell me that they fought, or that they broke up, or that she left. It's the pattern. He's going to hurt, and I'll probably hurt for him because that's who I am.

What I said up there *points* is going to happen again. You deserve better. You've already heard this speech though. I wish you could be happy, with someone who loves you with everything she has. I want good things for you.

I'm falling asleep and sleepy babbling, so I'm heading to bed. Good night Universe.

I'm hurting. Wake me when it's over.

Ups and Downs

I've been doing awesomely in some areas and not so great in others, so I'm focusing on the good stuff. I can't wait for this project to get started :D I'm not saying what it is because I don't want to jinx myself, but this job is going to be fun and amazing, and make me some great money. I'm going to be able to get a car and a new computer probably within a few months if it all goes according to plan. It depends on how quickly I can learn this stuff. Excited!
The year is almost over. It's had it's ups and downs. A lot of downs, but the ups make up for it.  I lost someone I loved with everything I have, and I met someone who loves me in a way I've never been loved before. I'm still learning to be okay with it all. It's getting easier :)

I have more to write but I took something to help me sleep, and I had leftover turkey dinner earlier. I'll write more tomorrow. Good night Universe.

Flattery

Someone I wasn't expecting, told me that he loves me, and has loved me for years. I told him I'm with someone, that I'm taken. He said he just wanted to get it out and tell me since he's been holding it in for so long. I was really surprised. I've known him on Palace for a few years. He even dated one of my favorite people and closest friends.

He said, "Remember a year ago, you and Jett broke up for a day? I wanted to tell you then." It just really surprised me. He said he always saw that I was a good woman and that he sees good things in me. I just said thanks, and that I had to go to bed. I don't want to encourage his feelings.

Nothing much is going on really. I've been busy working. When I'm not working, I'm cooking, or cleaning, or watching movies, or talking to GG.... And now, I'm going to take a nap. Good night Universe.

Thinking

Have you ever missed someone so much that it felt like a great pain in the middle of your stomach, that went up to your throat and felt like a prickly ball just sitting there? What do you do for that? How do you fix something like that?

Bad News

Yesterday, I woke up to some really bad news that had me panicking and freaking out. I thought Jett had been killed in a car crash. I took a deep breath, started texting, calling, just hoping that someone would be near his phone. People were messaging me on Skype asking if it was true and I couldn't tell them anything that would let them know how he was, or to help them calm down.

He got ahold of me after awhile. He was okay. He's recovering from a head wound and some other things. It was such a huge relief. Then his chick found out we were talking, and had a fit. And, I really didn't care. This was a matter of life and death. She can pretty much kiss my ass at this point.

More stuff happened, private stuff in his life that I won't bring up because it's not my place. My prayers are with him though.

I am just so relieved that he made it through that crash. He makes me so crazy sometimes but, I will always want the best for him.

Quick Entry

Sometimes, when I'm not happy, and I start questioning everything, I have to remind myself that things will go the way there's supposed to. There's still time to fix things and make my life go the way that feels right. Because right now, my gut is telling me that everything is wrong.

My nephew is going to be okay. I'm so relieved!

I'll write more later when I can get my head together.

My nephew is in the hospital and I can't stop crying.

Random Stuff 11-8

Yesterday I got a lot of things done... productive things. I feel like I need to keep moving forward towards what I want to do. I have some goals I need to work on too. GG thinks I should be relaxing while I can, and I'm doing that too. I don't need to be wearing myself out and giving myself a panic attack. If I get one, we don't have a car.... so I'm pretty much screwed.

Today I did some research on jobs I can do from home, and seeing what kind of online jobs there were. Something to do on the side while I do my main project that's coming up. I'm excited :D

Monday 11-6-17

I had a good night. I got to talk to the best friend for a bit. That's always nice :)

Monday is Movie Night at S&L, so I watched Spiderman: Homecoming, with GG and the rest of them. That was fun. I had never heard of the movie, and it had some Avengers tie-ins. I'm a fan of the Avengers stuff. I made lasagna for dinner, which turned out really well.

Random and Icey came in. I've been wanting GG to meet them since they're like family to me. I was so glad they stopped by :) After he went to bed I went to their palace to hang out a bit. 

Quiet but nice night.

Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me

I heard this earlier and thought I'd share. I liked the early Taylor Swift stuff :D


Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me

You're on the phone with your girlfriend.
She's upset.
She's going off about something that you said
'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do

I'm in my room
It's a typical Tuesday night.
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like.
And she'll never know your story like I do

 

Walkin' the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
"Hey isn't this easy"

 

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say your fine. I know you better then that.

Hey what you doing with a girl like that?

 

Oh, I remember you drivin' to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're about to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong - I think I know it's with me

 

Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you?
Been here all along so why can't you see
You belong with me...

 

Standing by and waiting at your back door.
All this time how could you not know...
Baby, you belong with me.

You belong with me...

You belong with me 

 

 

 

Vroom Vroom

I've started watching Once Upon a Time on Netflix. I never got past the first season, and a friend wants me to watch season 2 with her. It will be fun :) I miss having someone to watch Netflix with.

GG and I talked earlier about leaving palace together to work on things we want to work on. Right now, I go to S&L and Flirt, and just pop into other pallys now and then for a min, or to play a game. I'm glad he and I are on the same page with this. 

I have a bunch of stuff going on. New projects, plans, things I want to do. I'm excited! Every day, I look around me and see things getting easier and better. I know the depression will come back after awhile but until then, I'm going to do all I can to fight it and enjoy every happy moment for as long as I can.

When GG got on tonight, I told him all of the stuff I was doing and planning. I was excited, and felt so UP and happy. He told me, "You can do anything you set your mind to." He tells me a lot of things like this. "My smart and beautiful baby". Tonight I told him about something I've been dealing with and struggling with, and my plans for overcoming the situation and he says, "That's my girl!". He believes in me. He sees great things in me. I'm not used to this, but I soak it in, and it helps me grow.

It scares me sometimes. I feel like I don't deserve him. I feel like I deserve the guy who got angry at me for being smart. The guy who called me a know-it-all like it was something disgusting. The guy who doesn't think I can ever get myself out of this situation, or that I can't do any better. The guy who calls me weak and says I'm not good enough because I don't have what he has. He put me down for so long, that I feel I deserve that. I wish I had never believed the things he said about me.

I need to learn to believe what GG says about me. I can do anything I set my mind to.

A Bit Scary

GG asked me something tonight that is pretty huge. Something that requires a lot of thought, commitment and plans for the future. I'm excited but scared. What if I'm not ready for something like this? What if I'm not suitable? What if I'm not as good as I think I am? What if.....?

Earlier my sis was hitting on a friend of mine in pally. It was hilarious. She can come on pretty dang strong when she wants to lol. I had a good night tonight. A lot of bad stuff is going on right now in my life but, good nights like this make it all bearable.

I have one day to finish my book before it gets returned to the library. I wonder if I can do it....

Good night Universe :)

Quick One

I woke up in a better mood :) I'm not sure what the deal is. The emotional rollercoaster has only been going on this past year. I had been depressed before but it was always anxiety related. Not this dismal, numb, empty feeling. Or the painful, and deep sadness.

When I feel good, life is good. I can get things done. I have energy. I think I should go get some stuff done now while I can.

The sadness is back. I'm going to get in bed, read my book and try to sleep. Good night Universe.

The Staff Room

The day I quit BB's, I was parked in the back waiting for the palace's owner to get on so I could tell her I was leaving. I wanted to thank her for wizzing me up and having my back when I needed it. I was doing other things, peeked in, and saw this :) This is the first time GG has ever went in the back with me and sat with me. I thought it was sweet.

This made me think of two things. One is.... My ex always accused me of parking in the back with GG, and, we had never had until 10-17-17. All of his accusations and telling me I was doing things I wasn't. I used to feel so, low and dirty when I wasn't even doing anything wrong. I didn't even know GG at the time. It made me feel defensive, or like I was going to get caught doing something I shouldn't be. Then I remembered, I'm not with someone like that anymore.

The other thing I thought about was, look at how far GG and I have come. Just a month ago, we weren't even sitting together. Now, he comes to me. He seeks me out and wants to be next to me. I saw him, *held his hand* and I was happy. I'm a very lucky woman.

Those popcorn boxes are from when I'd go watch Netflix and then come back and park in this room. I wonder if anyone will ever clean them up. That av in the corner was a gift from a friend. I put it out to keep me company when I parked. Roo doesn't go back there anymore. Tingles doesn't either. And now, I won't either.

I have two palaces to leave now. The last one, S&L, I'm not in a hurry to leave. Maybe I won't, and I'll be okay just popping in now and then. I'll keep thinking on it.

P.S. When am I going to stop thinking about the ex? It should be soon, right?

Sleepy Babbling 10-19-17

I had a long talk with Icey again. We talked about GG and the kind of man he is. That he appreciates me and the things I do and how I am. That he's a good man who deserves someone who loves with all she has like I do. That he needs someone like me who will build him up, push him forward, have his back and support him. And we also talked about how I need someone who is and does all of those things too.
She said that even if I don't feel this deep, crazy love with him, that that's okay. That as time goes by, we'll have something better and stronger. He's told me the same thing too. That he doesn't want to be IN love. That he wants something better than that, that takes it's time and becomes, this amazing, deep, pure love.

I just need to learn to not be afraid of getting hurt. Not every man will break my heart, or make me feel low, and like I'm nothing. Not every man will lie to me, cheat on me, or abandon me. She said a lot of things to help me with this too. I'm too sleepy to write it out.

I'm going to get in bed with my comic. It's getting really good. Good night, Universe :)

Quick Post 10-19-17

I was reading over some of the entries from the past few days. Thank goodness I did. Typos everywhere! I hope I fixed them all.

Today is a quiet day. I'm going to go get some laundry done and then grab lunch. I want to get everything done before the kids get home. I'm going to make fish and veggies for dinner, and then watch more Daredevil.

I Need a Hero

I'm watching Daredevil on Netflix. It's a TV show, not a movie and there are 2 seasons. It has the adorable actor that plays Tristan on Stardust. I've been wanting to watch this for awhile but I kept putting it off.

It's time for a new hero. Superman is not the hero he used to be. I don't think he ever was.

I had a nice night and now I'm ready for bed. Good night, Universe.

A Hope in Hell

This is one of the pages from the comic I'm reading now, Sandman. So far it's really good. Constantine was in the last issue. I've always liked that character. In the next issue, we're going to go to hell and meet someone else.

GG and I had a long talk earlier. I think things are going to be changing soon. I'll be okay. I'm always okay, right?

Waking Up

I woke up to GG being online :) We talked some, and he showed me some of his work type stuff.  He went out to get some things done so I'm going to head out too and we'll meet this afternoon. Then a kid has an appointment later and I have a few things to take care of. I won't be online much.

It's getting easier to be off of palace. I'm sure I'll miss it after awhile. I need to be around people when things are bad. Any chance of running into the ex and his chick make it not worth it though. People keep asking me to get back on but I can't do it.

I had a long talk with his sis, Icey, earlier. It helped a lot and, she helped me realize a few things. I hope he treasures her. She's probably one of the only people who are truly on his side. I have a feeling he's going to need her soon.

Monday Movie Night

I had a really nice night for the most part. Monday is Movie Nights at S&L and I haven't been to one in over a year. The way it works is, we vote on a type of movie, horror, scifi, romance, comedy etc. There were more votes for sci-fi so, someone picked a sci-fi movie.

I had to head out so I caught up when I got back. GG was on, and I sat with him and watched. I didn't know what was going on in the movie and neither did he, but we had fun just sitting together and making fun of what was going on in it :D

It was a cheesy horror/sci-fi movie called Cabin in the Woods. I can't even explain it since I saw it halfway through. But apparently some zombies and monsters attacked some people in a cabin in the woods, and bad stuff happened. Hilariously bad stuff happened. Haha.

During all of this, I my Skype was blowing up. Some deep drama was going on in one of the groups I'm in, and, it was really bad. I think I'm going to stick to home for awhile. I'd leave Palace but, I have GG.

GG told me he was looking up and learning about my son's illnesses, in case he meets him and gets to shake his hand some day. It really touched me that he would do that. It shows he really takes an interest in my life, and cares about what I care about. He puts 100% into the relationship like I do, and thinks about his partner.

I'm going to try to get in bed earlier than usual and read some of this new comic. Good night Universe.

Human Diary

The other night, some friends on Palace told me I needed to hear this song. They said "put on your player and listen". They insisted on it. I thought it was weird. Then I heard the words...

Danielle Bradbery - Human Diary

You knew which parts of my body I was insecure about
You knew what I thought about all my friends when they weren't around
You knew which days I was praying, the days that I wasn't
I told you everything

You knew how to make me weak in a good way and in a bad
You knew the up's and down's in my relationship with my dad
Oh, and damn how I hate it
That you know me naked
I gave you everything

Cause you were my human diary
So when you left, you didn't just leave
No, you took all my secrets with you
You took all my secrets with you
Now you're with someone else
And thinking 'bout it hurts like hell
And you got all my secrets with you
You took all my secrets with you

Now you've got a piece of the secret parts of me
Now my secrets are in another girl's bed

Sisters

My sis came to see me at home. We caught up some, talked some stuff out. I didn't tell her that I'm leaving palace for awhile. I know she'll be hurt. She'll be okay. She knows how to reach me if she needs me I think.

Deleted, Done and Gone

I found out last night that Jett and his girlfriend decided to share something I told him privately, because they wanted me to be booted from a group and for people to not like me. He actually screen capped what I said and they went to one of her friends and showed her what I said, and then that went to the owner of the group/Palace.

When I found out, I was so hurt. I never thought he would ever do something so low and damaging to me. Her yes, him no. He's going to come up with a bunch of garbage in his head as to why it's okay that he did this but, it's not okay. It will never be okay, and he will never be able to fix this. This made him look so bad in my eyes. The next time he says he's not the bad guy, I will remember this. The next time he says she's a good person or a good woman, I will remember what she did and why. Nothing he tells me now will ever change my mind.

I think what hurt the most was, the reason I told him what I did was, I was feeling really bad and depressed, like I wanted to die. I don't get feelings like that, and I wasn't going to tell him that that's what was going through my head. He told me I could go to him and he'd be there for me so I did. I told him I feel alone, and that I don't fit in anywhere. I named some pallys and said why I didn't feel I fit in. He never replied. Later that night, his girlfriend deleted me from skype, and when I asked him why, he acted like a coward and blocked me.

I'm hurt, and angry. I could say so much, and reveal so much about them both that would hurt them too but, I'm better than that. That is not the kind of woman I am.

On the bright side, since I will never speak to him again, I won't have to hear him bitch about what I write on my blog. Also, I talked to the pally owner, and other people involved. I told them why I said what I did, and we're all fine. Then, I told Jett how angry and hurt I am. I left him texts and I really don't care if he read them or not. After that, I deleted him from Skype, and my life.

I'm going to be hurt for awhile. I hate losing friends, especially the person who was supposed to be my best friend. He wasn't a friend though. He was just someone who used me when he needed a friend, because he pushed everyone else away. He lost a good friend.

[10/8/2017] .J.™: we are on team
[10/8/2017] .J.™: you and I
[10/8/2017] .J.™: and everyone know that
[10/8/2017] .J.™: no matter who tried to tear us apart
[10/8/2017] .J.™: i have learn my mistake  but this time we will stick togethers

More lies...

Something On My Mind

I appreciate the real and true friends I have. I know who truly has my back. Surprisingly, it's not who you would expect.

I'm going to be upset for awhile, but, I'll be okay. I'll always be okay, right?

I'm going to go make dinner, then find something to keep my mind and my heart off of things. I'll write more later.

I don't know why I hurt so much. I feel like there's a hole in the middle of me. I've felt like this for a long time, but tonight, it hurts. It's a hole that hurts. How is that possible? Like the part that's not there, is what hurts. I really wish it would stop.

10-11-17

I'm still not feeling well, but, I've been trying not to dwell on it. Instead I've been keeping myself busy. I've also been putting my energy into helping friends with things they need.

Dingleberry messaged me out of nowhere the other night. He's going through a really bad break up with a girl he's been with for 3 years. I feel so bad for him. He's only 25, and he already thinks that love isn't worth the pain.

He asked if he could call over Skype and we talked. I remembered going through this with him with his last girlfriend when he was around 20. He cried so hard over both girls. I know that pain. Hopefully anything I've said to him helps him some.

Today was a long day and tomorrow is going to be busy too.

*big smile*

¯.No§i._: I'm cleaning out some of my av edit folders while I sip my tea
¯.No§i._: sometimes I look at these and think, "when was I ever going to wear this
 GG: what, too much skin?
 ¯.No§i._: lol some. and some are just, not my style
 GG: *kiss* what's your style
 ¯.No§i._: that is a very good question. I dont even know if I've established that I have one
 GG: I do... brunettes that are elegant and modest
 ¯.No§i._:  :)
 ¯.No§i._: sounds about right

I love that he thinks highly of me. It makes me feel respected, appreciated. It invalidates the negatives I hear from people who think they know me but don't, or people who have twisted thinking about people in general. 

...And You Let Her Go

I went to SC before bed so I can not just lay in bed and think. Someone played this song. I always liked it but I never paid a lot of attention to the lyrics.

Passenger - Let Her Go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

 
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

 

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
Love comes slow and it goes so fast

 
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep

 

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

2:30am

I don't feel anything anymore but depression and anxiety. Do you know how confusing it is to feel nothing, but have your heart pounding and your chest hurting at the same time?

It's 2:30am and I'm not even tired. I screwed my sleep up again, really bad. I was trying to be there for a friend who ended up accusing me of  something I didn't do, later on in the day. I'm starting to give up on people. I'm starting to not care about them, or love them, or share with them, or give any part of myself to them. I feel like all anyone is going to do, is treat me like he does. I don't know if I can live like that. I don't want to be like him. He has no friends :(

I'm slowly quitting everything. I'm on Palace less and less. I've blocked most of the people on my Skype besides my top 10. My boyfriend is really busy with work so I haven't told him any of this, and I won't. He'll worry about me.

I'm losing my faith... in myself, in people, in God, in life, in love. I need to somehow break out of this feeling before it's too late.

Latest Thoughts

GG got on for awhile today. I told him how I've been feeling and he listened and hugged me. I felt... numb, but, I know I care about him so I didn't push him away. After he went to bed, I just tried to relax and keep my mind busy.

I got on palace a few times. When I'm down, I try to stick to what I'm used to and hope that I sort of snap out of it. I used to get so angry at Jett for telling me that I wasn't depressed because I didn't handle it the same way he did.

When I'm depressed, I try to not fall into that black hole, because I know once I'm in there, I might not be strong enough to come out. So I get on palace, try to join conversations, try to find something to make me feel anything. I try to laugh. I try to get angry at stupid people. I try to not feel numb.

On a good note, I am getting into this comic I've been reading called Monstress. It's about an arcanic person who has a demon inside of her. I love the style of it and the story is good. I'm trying to get excited about something. I'm glad this holds my interest some :)

Monstress

10-1

I went out earlier. I got one of my favorite things to eat. I tried to do some shopping. I felt like, nothing.

I don't feel any better. I feel...bad. When I got home, I sat at S&L and, couldn't even be interested in what anyone was saying. I tried watching some Netflix and, didn't really pay attention to what I was watching. Maybe I'm tired. I feel tired. I tried to joke with a friend and, everything came out flat.

I'm actually worried for myself. Why do I feel this way? How do I stop it? I don't like feeling like this :(

I don't want to talk to anyone for awhile. I'm going to try to sleep and maybe when GG is on tomorrow I'll feel better. Night.

Not Right

I'm lost. I have been for awhile. I feel like, my body is here, and mind is here, but my heart and soul are somewhere else. Like I'm just a shell of myself and the best parts of me are no longer here. I don't know how to get them back.

Maybe my depression is coming back. Maybe this is hormonal stuff. I just feel so down today. I'll pray and I'll write. Hopefully it will pass soon.

Updated - 9-30

I think I'm having some kind of horrible migraine. My head is killing me and I've been nauseous. I also keep seeing things like, flashy? Just light and dark. Feels like a migraine anyway. I don't like meds, so I just lay down with a cold cloth on my head til it goes away.

GG is going to be busy working til around dinner time.
===============================
GG didn't get on. I know he's really busy working, my poor baby. I didn't do a whole lot today. The family went out to eat, then drove around town and hit the thrift stores. I was looking for some books to read but, nothing caught my eye.

I wish I knew how to build webpages like I used to. I have a great idea for a room I want to build, and I need to impliment a webpage for it. Hmmm going to brainstorm this.

I was up watching Netflix, and it's time to get in bed. Good night Universe!

yeah...

... As hard to deal with as my ex can be, I would never let anyone talk bad about him or disrespect him. I wish he showed me the same courtesy.

An Observation

When so much time has gone by, and your stomach still jumps when you see a guy show up online, that means something.

Trying to Forget

I'm having one of those days where I wish that I could disappear. But where would I go?
----------------------------
I've only read 9 out of 40 books for this year's challenge. I'm surprised but not. This has been a really tough year for me. It's hard to focus while dealing with a break up, a new relationship, and all the stuff that goes with it.

There are books I'm reading that aren't stories like my sign language books and books on different topics. I don't count those of course. Maybe I shouldn't add the "inbook" part to my name anymore :(
----------------------------
I had a somewhat busy day.  I took the middle kid to the doctors in the next town over. I figured since I was there, I'd go and get my son some groceries and visit with him for a bit. I bought the stuff for Chile Relleno Casserole but ended up having a hot dog at Dairy Queen with the family instead. No, I didn't get any ice cream. I behaved, came home and had a sugar free Fudgesicle instead. My sweetheart was messaging me on Skype all day while I was doing stuff. I love when he does that :D

So... after reading and checking out all of these Bullet Journal layouts, I decided to keep using my planner until the end of the year, and decide then what I want to use for my next year's planner. I know. I get excited over the little things. I love my planner! Stickers, pretty tape and markers make it fun. Man, I need a life!

P.S. I think it's time...

• Listening to: Josh Turner - Your Man
  
• Reading: Looking for the next book
• Watching: Criminal Minds on Netflix. Almost done with season 10!
• Playing: I've been wanting to play Neopets again
• Eating: sugar free Fudgesicle
• Drinking: water

Quick Entry

I've started watching a lot of vids about planners and journals. This past year, I've been using the Passion Planner off and on. It really helped me to keep organized and I had fun decorating it. I sort of gave it up when I was dealing with a lot of stress in the beginning of the year. I want to start getting back in the habit, and at the same time, find a system that will help me this coming year.

I have a few projects coming up that I want to organize. I'm still working on current projects but I need to be more productive with those too and come up with some structure so I don't slack too much. I'll figure this out :)

I'm sleepy. I woke up early after only 4 hours sleep. This is good. Maybe I can fix my sleep again for awhile. I'm going to leave an offliner for my guy and get in bed with some crossword puzzles. Good night Universe!

A Short Poem Without a Title

... I tell you my story.
I smile as a tear falls.
Sometimes I try to laugh through the pain.
Questions are on the tip of your tongue but you quietly listen.
I see in your eyes that you want to hold the little girl who used to be me.
You can. She's still in there and...
she needs you. My love.

Hallelujah

I feel pretty damn good. I took the day off for the most part, and realized, I'm okay and I'm happy.

I'm done being pathetic and missing something that was probably all in my head. I loved him more than he loved me. I waited and he never would have. Every time he tells me all of the things he's doing for his new relationship that he never did for me, it shows me that, even after I was with him for two years, I didn't mean as much to him as a woman he's only known for 2 months.

So, I'm done :) I'm totally, completely, utterly done. I'm done missing him in that way. I'm done being in love with him. I'm done remembering the "good stuff", and torturing myself with "what if's".

D O N E...

Quick Quiz

I saw this on a friend's FB and thought I would do it here.

Single or Taken: I'm with someone but we don't say "taken". We don't own each other :)
Crushing: I don't think so unless you count Keanu Reeves and Nicolas Cage.
Height : 5ft 6
Favorite Color: I've always said dark red, dark blue, black and silver. But lately I'm liking deep purple.
Want Kids: I have kids and I kind of want them lol
Snapchat: nope, everyone I want to talk to I have on skype and my cell
Zodiac Sign: I'm a Gemini. My boyfriend is also a Gemini, which is interesting.
Last drank: Diet rootbeer mmmm
Cat or Dog: Dogs though I do have one cat. Not by choice.
Evil or Good: Chaotic Neutral... < going with that answer
Favorite Sport: Baseball, or Nascar
Favorite Animal: Spider Monkeys :D
Do you have haters?: Yep, just a few. If they want to hold hate inside of them, that's on them.
Funny or Nahh: I'm kind of funny when I'm not being shy.
Apple or Android: Android! I love my phone, and my tablet.
Batman or Superman:Duh, Superman, though I love a good villian just as much. The Joker... Catwoman was pretty awesome.

I had a fun day and a quiet night. Nothing I want to write about really. I have the dogs tucked in, stuff done and put away, and now I'm ready for bed. Good night Universe.

Yay....?

This Saturday is going to be what would have been Jett's and my 2nd year anniversary. So, I'm going to stay off pally for the weekend, and "celebrate" it by watching the new episodes of Fuller House. Maybe I won't be sad and I can laugh instead.

I feel like I'm waiting for something. What, I don't know. Whatever it is, I hope it's amazing.

Begin Again

I'm going to watch this again from the beginning.... I LOVED Switched at Birth. It taught me about deaf culture. I learned basic ASL. I enjoyed the stories and the romances. I cried during a few episodes. I wish it didn't have to end but, at least it's there to watch all over again :)

I just realized what a fool I've been.

9-14-17

I was reading through an old Yahoo log from my ex.

A lot of the conversation was, fun, "coupley" stuff. Editing together. Gossiping together. Sharing links and looking up random stuff. In between, was the mush, the compliments, the "babes" and "babys".

We had a lot of deep conversations about things. ..Some of it was sad. About loved ones we've lost, people we miss. I got to a part about his best friend, his baby, and I had to stop. All I kept thinking was, I never got to meet him. Maybe one day I can read past that but, it's too soon. Sometimes, I feel like he was mine too.

== == == == == == == == == == == == == ==
I had a good day. I picked up my glasses. They're kind of difficult to get used to. I also think I'm allergic to the metal in them. I have a rash where the metal touches the side of my head. I'll have to tell someone.

I had a good therapy appointment. We mostly talked about how I mess myself up when it comes to doing things that are good for me. I'll be working on that.

I got to spend time with GG before he went to work. He's going to work while I sleep. I feel lucky to have him. When a man tells you every day that you're beautiful, and other nice things, you get spoiled. And yet, this is stuff a boyfriend SHOULD be telling his girlfriend right? How would I know. I never dated a guy who did that very much.

Jett and I made up. It's hard to stay mad at someone when they text you with "Ya finished hating me now?". I saw that and broke out into a huge smile. And of course, I could never hate him.

== == == == == == == == == == == == == ==
And.... he goes and pisses me off again by calling me selfish because he didn't really read what I answered to his question... *sighs* I'm going to find something in Netflix and get in bed. Good night Universe.

Zzzzzzzz

I had the worst sleep last night. The stress has been keeping me up. Every time I laid down, I got chest pains. I mean, they hurt so badly, they woke me up through the night and I could feel them through to my back. I still feel exhausted. I can feel it in my body and see it in my face. I really thought those chest pains were going to kill me. On the bright side.... I woke up.

GG is online, talking to me during work. I talked to him last night about what's been going on and things he might hear. I also told him who I've been sitting with and that I've been hearing there are whispers. He said "fuck everyone. do what you like, and screw everyone who will gossip about you to me or to others". Most guys can't handle their girlfriends being near another guy or greeting them or talking to them.

Today I pick up my glasses. I was going to do it yesterday but I was too tired. I also have a therapy appointment which is going to suck. She's going to say "You were doing so well last week! What happened?", and when I tell her....

I wish I could just crawl back into bed. Still so tired.

I'm Here

You know, I was finally doing okay. I felt emotionally healthy and strong. I felt like no matter what I felt, it wasn't going to hold me back or make me question everything I was doing. I finally accepted how things were and how they were going to go.

Why in the damn hell did he have to say and do what he did? WHY?! Then to try to fix it with "I'm sorry", and trying to make me think I imagined it all when I have logs and witnesses? No.

....just.... no.

Nope, Not at All

From Pinterest

Blah 9-14

I love this room. It's so cozy and perfect. I need to replace it. I need to find a new library :(

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

When someone says, "stop and believe in me" and then does the I one thing they said they wouldn't do...

I am mad at him but, I'm angrier at myself for believing him and believing in him.

I've Got Better Things To Do

I woke up at 4:30am. I made my coffee, talked to GG for a bit, helped the kids get ready for school. I need to find some more things to occupy my time. I think I need to distance myself from Pally and Skype for awhile. I'm tired of the nonsense, the drama, watching people be made fools of over other people who don't really care about them but who only like the chase. It stresses me out too much. I also don't like feeling like I don't matter. Or that I'm only important when other people aren't around. It's not a good feeling.

I did get on pally for a teensy bit because I was asked by my sis. Someone named Moi started talking to me about books. He recommended some so I'm going to check them out. We also talked about writing. He's been journaling for 30 years. I love it! I've been keeping a journal or blog since I was 13 so I love hearing about other people and their writing.

...GG told me that he's staying off Palace and only sticking to Skype messages so he can focus on work.

• Listening to: the silence
  
• Reading: nothing yet
• Watching: nothing here either
• Playing: nothing but I should be
• Eating: I had ONE donut hole. I'll behave and make an egg or something.
• Drinking:coffee

Some ASL Stuff

I was glancing at FB and saw this vid in one of the ASL communities I'm in.

Of course I love any video with Nyle DiMarco. He's pleasant to watch. He has a great attitude, always smiles and he makes sure everyone can understand his vids.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
...I've been slacking with my ASL. My mind has been preoccupied with other things for one. But also, I see how great other people are doing, and I think, "I don't know if I can ever be that good at it". I forget a lot if I don't practice and I don't have anyone to really practice with.

I need to quit getting in my own way, not just with this, but a lot of things. I don't have a lot of confidence with my writing, the ASL... I think, "there are so many great novels out there, and so many awful ones. What if my writing isn't even as good as the awful ones?" I really need to quit doing this to myself. I never let the kids think this way. I encourage them in anything they want to do, and the same goes with my friends who have "dreams" of doing something.

Sometimes, I forget that I really don't have to be here.

There's Still Time

I fucked up.... again. *sighs* I just need to have faith that things are going to go the way they're supposed to.

I talked to my little sis, and I told her the truth about what I've been thinking and feeling. She knew already. She listened, and gave her input and some advice. The one thing the said that stood out though was this: There's still time.

I'm going to sleep. I make stupid decisions when I'm tired.

Sometimes You're the Windshield

I think I'm pms'ing. I keep wanting to cry. I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach again, like the butterflies but it's pain. All I can do is take care of myself and love myself and hug myself until it's gone.

I shouldn't feel this way. I had a really good weekend. It felt like everything was going the way it's supposed to. I don't know why. It was a feeling like, "everything is back to normal". I was calm. I wasn't aggitated, worried, stress or anything like that.

Think I'll clean house and try not to think about things. I'm not sure what things. Just try not to think at all.

I got to spend some time with MSK. That was nice. We didn't really say a lot. Some days we're in sync and chatty and stuff, and some days we just kind of sit there and stare at our avs.

*sighs*

Yum

Shrimp ceveche mmmmm

Zero

Lately, I have zero tolerance for drama. I will listen to other people's drama, because it helps them sometimes. But if anyone brings any to my yard, I will shut it down quick.

There's a woman who is trying to get into my relationship. It's someone that I thought was okay at first because I never noticed the things she does. I liked her. Now I see the manipulative game she's playing. I don't put up with any of that, especially if someone is coming after my relationship.

I don't play games and I suck at fighting against game players. So all I can do is what my guy said, "don't feed the troll". Don't give her any power, or any ammo. She can pretty much sit there wishing she had the man I'm with. I'm Nosi. I'm smart, and I'm strong. So come at me lady and you'll find this out *rawr* :)

Hopelessly Devoted

My net is really bad, so I'm on my phone data on the laptop but watching Netflix on my tablet with the house wifi. It seems to be working. I'm watching Grease, which is an old favorite. This song just came on...

Olivia Newton-John - Hopelessly Devoted
Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you

You know I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But, baby, can't you see
There's nothing else for me to do?
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying, "Fool, forget him."
My heart is saying, "Don't let go.
Hold on till the end."
And that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you

Something Good

GG: you're wonderful yourself, you just don't know it
GG: you have a beautiful heart, a bright mind, and the ability to communicate and share... you are principle driven (for better or for worse, more better than worse), you listen, you talk, you are level headed, responsible, sweet, caring, loving, indignant when you have to be, even thinking your reactions to everything through... you are adorable and anyone would be so lucky to have you
GG: flaws? yes... we all have them
GG: but for as long as I can be in your heart, all is good

I was looking for something he said and came across that. It's nice when someone notices the good things in you and chooses to not put importance on the bad. It makes me feel good to read this.

Everyone should feel this cherished and adored.

I have an eye dr's appointment in 6 hours and I haven't slept yet. This is going to suck.

Tuesday

One thing I like about my new relationship is, we can talk about anything and everything. If something is bothering me, I can tell him and we'll talk about it.

I still worry. I worry that I'll say something and he'll tell me I'm too much and leave. So far he hasn't. He said "we're on the same team".

I Want Something Just Like This

My day was eh. I had a bunch of plans and forgot that the youngest niece has my bank card and she was out of town. I ended up picking up dinner and coming home.
It's so warm and really humid today so I don't feel like doing much. Maybe my energy will perk up later.

The Chainsmokers - Something Just Like This
I've been reading books of old
The legends and the myths
Achilles and his gold
Hercules and his gifts
Spiderman's control
And Batman with his fists
And clearly I don't see myself upon that list

But she said, "Where d'you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I'm not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gifts.
Some superhero,
Some fairytale bliss.
Just something I can turn to.
Somebody I can kiss.
I want something just like this."

 

My Day 8-3

I had a really nice and busy day. It was so hot on our side of town so we went downtown which is closer to the beach. We got some food, went up into the hills and took pictures. The middle kid had a report due Tuesday so we went to the library and got some stuff done for that. It was fun. We stayed cool with a lot of cool drinks and ice cream/frozen yogurt.

Throughout all of this, I took a bunch of pictures for MSK. I wanted him to see the fun stuff we did and share my day with him. He loved it. Then I got home and we talked about some issues we have. There's a female who said some things about him and tried to get me out of the picture. Instead, it moved us closer. He sat with me, for hours. We're not going to tag. We both agreed. And honestly, I see now that they don't mean anything. Look at how many times people put them on and take them off? I don't want that. Not with this relationship.

This is still hard for me. MSK knows this and why.

I think Jett will be fine. He told me 4 times to work things out with MSK and, I'm pretty sure he meant it. I gave him two chances to make things different and he didn't choose me. So, that's my sign. Move on and keep going forward.

It's 2am, MSK just went to bed and now I'm going to find something on Netflix to watch. I want to get into a new show. I just finished Young & Hungry and I loved it! I'll get on and see what's new. New stuff in September, yay :D

This is a Lego city that they're building at my library in the kid's section. Pretty awesome.

 

 

• Listening to: my fan going. it's so hot in here!
  
• Reading: Same book as earlier, but only 10 pages to go!
• Watching: nothing yet. Still looking.
• Playing: Crossword puzzles in a bit.
• Eating: my cookie from earlier that came with my KFC box
• Drinking: Water. Water is life!

 

 

I got on pally and was sitting in my corner, as usual. MSK whispered me to slide to my left a bit, and then he sat with me for the first time. It was interesting.

mmmmm Books!

I woke up with a song in my head. I do pretty much every morning. Either it's a song I've heard the day before or just something I keep hearing. Today it's Ed Sheeran - Shape of You. I hope it's not in my head all day.

I still haven't seen or spoken to MSK. I know he has stuff going on in real, and other things going on. I was hoping that we could stay friends. I loved our convos, about religion and other things. We don't agree on a lot of things, but we never argued. We learned from each other. We listened to the other's beliefs and even if we "knew" the other was wrong, we didn't talk down to each other. We made each other feel listened to, and respected. I wasn't used to that.

I've hardly been on palace at all lately. I'll get on when I wake up to check on Roo. She has some stuff going on. I'll get on again before bed, after I've watched stuff or read stuff. I try to stay out during the day when I can. I'm kind of proud of myself. I have less drama. I hear less things about people. And I don't feel like a lazy bum who sits online all day. All good things!

I'm going to take this kid to the library. She has a report due Tuesday. I forgot Monday was a holiday. I love the library. It was always like my second home. I'll see what I find there :D

Nice Night

I just edited and rewrote the last two entries. Reading them again, I don't think they were fair to him. When I see something like that, I will correct it.

I realized what was making me hurt so much and making me crazy. This is September. Our two year anniversary month. It would have been two years on September 23. Happy non-anniversary to me....
--------------------------------------------

I had a really good night. I took the kids to the movies. We went to see Wish Upon. I let the kids pick the movie. It was a horror movie, which I haven't been to since I saw SAW III with my friend Sage. I had to go and get popcorn during the scary garbage disposal scene. I told the kids we would try to see a movie once a month. It was at the cheaper $3 theater so I think we can manage that and popcorn :)

I went to Trader Joe's and bought some strawberries and a bunch of veggies to snack on. I haven't lost any more weight lately and I need to keep trying. I have to lose enough before my next ultrasound, just in case. I was stressing on it today. I woke up with a lot of pain on my right ribs. I laid back and felt around but I didn't feel anything but the pain. No lump or what felt like a little bean under the skin. It's hot, like a fever. If I feel worse this weekend, I'll go in. This is how it felt before so, I just keep telling myself it's okay.

I'm going to eat my strawberries and find a book to read while I lay with my doggies. Cali is supposed to leave this weekend but we might get another week. Not sure. My mom is being heartless about this. I want to say, fuck it, and find a way to make money and try to work through the panic attacks. I need my own place, even if it's in the neighborhood so I can help with the kids. I'll keep thinking on this and praying.

Ouch

I woke up okay. I got 9 hours of much needed sleep. I checked my phone. Double checked on my appointment times. Then it hit me. The depression. The same depression that I've been feeling in waves since March. There's never a reason for it. It just, lands on me. It feels like there's this heavy, thick, dense ... thing... surrounding me, weighing me down. That part in the middle of your stomach where you feel butterflies and excitement... it hurts so badly there. I feel like I want to cry but I don't. I just spend the day with this weighed down feeling surrounding me.

I don't tell anyone about these feelings but two people. The one I told most about it, I told him because I thought he would understand. I don't go into the darkness if I can help it. I try to do things to fight it if I feel I have it in me. Some days, I get online and just sit there, say hi to people because that's all I can do. I can't just roll over and play dead.

The other person I told, he listened. He gave me advice, even looked stuff up for me to try that would help. He got me to make another therapy appointment. He's been a good friend, even though he's going through depression himself. 

I wish I had more friends like this.

*hugs*

You know you really love someone, when you can tell them how to keep their girl, because you want to see them happy...even if it breaks your heart.

Busy Day 8-31-17

I only slept 2 hours today so I can fix my sleep tonight. I have some important things coming up and I need to get that all sorted. I don't know if I can do it. I've been struggling with my sleep since I was a kid. I have to try though.

If I had to describe my day, I'd say it was busy. A friend of mine that I need to make a name for, is having relationship problems with his girl. I tried to be a good friend and I hope I didn't fail. I'm always afraid to say too much or too little. I hope they work things out.

Another friend was having fish issues. His fish was dying :( But I think I gave good advice. My son and I had a fish that lived 13 years, so I kind of think I know something about fish.

Another friend needed advice about her relationship too. I listened, told her of something one of my ex's told me that helped my next relationship, and it helped her. I like seeing people who are good for each other, in a healthy relationship, work things out :)

The youngest kid got a vanity from a neighbor that is really nice. It's going to fit perfectly in her room.

Me? I'm just tired. I talked to Roo for a bit. Turned out she was right about everything. Talked to Tingles about some stuff. She was right too. I hung out with Jett for a bit. We're going to be friends I think. I hope. We'll see if he's still there when I wake up. If so, then, I want our friendship to have a fresh start. That means, no more discussing the past. I still have a lot of pain, and I still have feelings for him but, it's not his problem. It's mine. I won't hurt him anymore.

MSK was on for a bit. He didn't say much which is fine. I didn't say much either. I'm glad he's still going to be in my life. I like having good people in my life.

• Listening to: Nothing. I have earplugs in.
• Reading: Same book as earlier, but only 20 pages to go!
• Watching: the clock go by. OMG Fuller House is coming up soon on netflix.
• Playing: Crossword puzzles
• Eating: nothing but I had nachos earlier. mmmm
• Drinking: Water. Better start drinking your water!

Kick Ass

The kids are getting ready for bed so I decided to jump on palace for a bit. I went to BB's and a few people were on. We started talking about the old days when people would listen to palace radio stations, and before youtube. We talked about how avs are better now than the old days. I was having an okay time for 10 mins and then a memory came into my head. Something horrible someone said about me sitting at the gate. I don't know why that suddenly popped into my mind. I don't know why it hurt so badly when it did. Probably because it was Jett who said it. I know I'm not one. I get on to relax. I get on to socialize because I don't in real. I get on and talk to people because hearing about how other people are doing, reminds me that we're all living our lives and yet connecting. I had this really hurtful thought, and I had to leave.

My friend Tingles just got a job as an Event Planner for Storm. She asked for my help. She never asks for my help so I know this is really important to her. I'll help her and see how I feel. I won't be at any gates, and I doubt I'll be at any of these parties because I don't want to run into Jett or Hippie. Tingles also asked me to teach her how to use PSP7 to make backgrounds. I know PSP7 like the back of my hand.

---   ---   ---   ---   ---   ---   ---   ---   ---   ---   ---   ---
I've been reading my old journal entries on DeviantArt. I was so full of passion and fire. I was a pretty tough chick. I read better books. I listened to better music. I did better things. I was into my art, photography, writing, and I felt so alive back then. That is who I was before Gar. It's like he took the best part of me and beat it down so badly, that it never got back up all the way. I think this is why I made so many mistakes in my last relationship.

I need to remember and find this better part of me. I want to be this happy and confident again. Do you know what my motto used to be? "Kick ass". It was even on my phone screen. I'd look at it and tell myself, "I'm kicking ass". Maybe I need to change my name back to Talulah...

• Listening to: my cat's bell collar. I want one too!
• Reading: Same book as earlier, but only 40 pages to go :D
• Watching: Young & Hungry on Netflix
• Playing: on PSP7
• Eating: Coconut flavored Greek yogurt mmmm
• Drinking: Water. EVERYONE should drink enough water.