PMS... Yeah Really

Going on week 5 of this anxiety program. It really has been helping a lot... except with PMS related anxiety. Time to do some research. There has to be something that would help. I don't care about the usual sytmptoms, just the weird thoughts and over-sensitivity to things that make me panic.

I keep wanting to snap at people. Everything is super heightened. Noises are louder. If someone touches me, it almost hurts. It's like my senses are overwhelmed so I feel like screaming or exploding. It's always been like that but now I know, this program might not help something like this.

On the upside, music sounds better and food is really yummy if it's subtle. I need some cheetos and ice cream! :D

Cats & Dogs

My mother is a pet owner... in her own mind. She is always talking about having and owning pets. The problem is, once she has one, as soon as they stop being cute, she wants a new one. I have issues with that.

I see pets as family. Growing up, I had a dog that my dad has always said was my brother. Logically, I knew that could not be possible, but I also knew that that meant he was family. He was to be my companion and protector. We kept him until he died at 11.

Pets are not disposable!... Yet here we are, at the pound. I'm sitting in the car hoping that she doesn't come out with an animal. She always picks the pretty and cute ones without caring if they're friendly, or an appropriate size. She has the kids with her, who will beg for a pet but never take care of it.

Crossing my fingers here!

Manners

The kid's qualify for a toy shop visit. It's a program that benefits foster kids and kids "in the system". I'm here with my mother, picking things out with her. The line is long, and it's freezing out... well, California freezing.

We finally make it inside and there are seats for those waiting to be served. My mother is in her late 60's. There are others here around her age, probably other grandparents raising grandchildren. And... there are young men taking up seats while these older people stand. I don't know everyone's situation. Some of these guys could be disabled. But I doubt all of them are.

So many good manners are no longer practiced. I've been trying to teach my 12 year old nephew to walk guests to the door when they leave. I taught my son the same thing. You just simply walk with them to the door, thank them for stopping by or whatever as you open the door, and then close the door behind them. My nephew thought I was weird for asking him to do this.

When my grandfather died, one of the many things that was said about him was that he always opened the door for people at church. People talked about it like it was funny but I think it was a great thing to be remembered for his manners and consideration.

People these days act like it's an embarrassing thing to have manners and to be polite...

Week 2

I'm on the last day of week 2 in this anxiety program and I have to say, it's really helping me a lot. It's very subtle but the positive messages, the relaxation responses, all of it helps. In week 2, you learn some coping skills and, it encourages you to let yourself feel the anxiety and use it as practice in dealing with it. Having a purpose for any anxiety or panic that's arising, it's very positive. It's all practice but it's not. Because all of it is a potential panic attack, yet I'm coping and preventing them!

I went to the mall the other night! during the Christmas shopping season! and lost my relatives! and didn't panic! It was huge for me. I don't even go to the mall during quiet moments because it's terrifying to me. The music, echoes and noises, people, lack of exits... I don't do very well at the mall. I didn't panic! I kept up the positive self-talk and didn't allow the nervousness to escalate.

I really hope I can maintain this. I can't wait to see how far this program can take me. There were some more situations I did great in but I want to finish some reading and go to bed. We just bought a fouton that is super comfy and I want to just fall asleep on it.

Good night Blog!

The Usual

Still on week 1 of this anxiety program and I have to say, I have a lot going on in my head, both scary and exciting. I really want to see where this takes me. The worst that can happen is nothing changes I guess, but, I refuse to accept that. I'll be praying on it.

12-1-12

I've been dealing with my anxiety attacks for almost 20 years. I sometimes wonder if I'll have them for my entire life. I know there are secondary gains to having them... I don't have to do the things I'm afraid of. I don't have to deal with so much change. I'm losing so much though!

I want to have a better life! I want to be able to get and hold a job. I want to live on my own again. I want to travel. I want to go on a ferris wheel without freaking out about being "stuck". I have so much I want to do and my anxiety issues are always in my way, holding me back.

I have some books, meditation mp3's, several other resources that I can use that could possibly help but I keep wanting the quick fix. I'm also afraid that none of it will work. I have a bad habit of fighting things that are good for me. Blah. I have to do this!

I need to do this. I need to take care of myself. I need to want this for myself. I need to feel that I'm worth the time, the effort, the risk. I deserve to be happy. I will never have the life I want if I don't do this. I will also never have the man I want if I don't do this. As much as he's worth going through all of this for, I won't be doing this for him.

Now, I just need to be brave enough to take that huge, first step.

Can't sleep, though I'm too tired to read a book. SKK and I are speaking again, as friends. I'll elaborate on that tomorrow. I miss My Favorite Planet so much!

Still Tangled

SKK wants to be my friend. I told him I would but if it became painful, I'd have to take some time for myself. My gut tells me that I need to protect myself. My gut tells me that I need to work on this anxiety and get my life together before I can think about relationships. My gut tells me that I needed the distance to know what it is I really want.
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I've decided to volunteer at the library until I find a job. I think it would be fun. I met a lady today who works there and she told me all about it. I'll check it out next week.

Maybe...

Maybe I need therapy. I just need to vent. I have so much rage'y crap in my head. I try to write it out but it doesn't really help. I need some space, quiet, and a place/way to vent. This is where I'm usually good, creative. I wish I had a big hunk of clay.

When I think about him, I ache. I miss him.

Blessed Day

Today was a really great day for the most part. My mom found $27 in the bank just in time. We were pretty much out of gas and food. After picking up niece #3, we stopped by the church. I really want to start going again but I wasn't sure when so I went to check out the times. There were 3 and I didn't recognize any of the congregation names. I was thinking about the 12:00 meeting anyway.

We had 2 hours before picking up niece and nephew #2 so we went thrift store shopping. We found the perfect TV for.... $5! I grabbed it and while in line, I saw a woman who used to live across the street from my grandmother. I spoke to her and it turns out that she goes to the church I was thinking of going to, and the 12:00 congregation too!

We had some time to catch up and talk about a few things. It was nice, and I'm no longer super nervous about checking out this congregation. We exchanged phone numbers and I'm going to call her next week.

We went to pick up the kids and checked the mail at our old place and found that my mom had 2 checks show up 2 days early. We bought dinner stuff and paid our cell bills and then came home. Minus a few issues we had, today was pretty awesome. Only one thing could make it better.

I'll finish my reading and fall asleep. I've been tired for awhile but wanted to get this down. Good night Blog!

Anxiety... As Always

A band I've recently gotten into are playing in Santa Barbara, opening for someone I've never heard of. The show isn't until December so I keep thinking, "If I could get a job quickly enough I could go to this!" I have two problems with this.

One, I only know three people in town I'd consider going with. I've lived here ten years and still don't have friends that I hang out with besides Jake. Now that he's a family man, I don't want to bother him.

Second problem, I'm still getting panic attacks frequently enough to worry that I'd get one and my night would be ruined. I know, I'm "what-if'ing" as always. I can't help it. It's a habit!

Guess it's a moot point if I don't even have a job yet. I'd really love to see this show though!
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My youngest niece is sleeping on the floor upstairs with me tonight. We both have our stacks of books, our tea, and we're nice and cozy. I really hope she outgrew kicking in her sleep. Going to relax now and hope MattH doesn't call tonight. I love talking to him, but we usually don't get off the phone til 3am and I need my sleep. Good night Blog!

At the Library

I miss my blog!!!!

I haven't been writing much but I will be soon. I just need to find that job and get the net turned back on at the new place.  Lots going on but no time to sit and write. I have to fix the car's windshield wipers and, go pick up a few kids. Fun day. I mainly came on to figure out my Skype info. I had Christine delete SKK from my contact list for me, since I couldn't get on. I asked her not to tell me if he's deleted me or not and, I kind of want to know but I don't think that's a good idea.

Time to get stuff done!

I'm Walking

I just got back from a 20 minute walk with the niece through the new neighborhood. I'll try to make it a regular thing. I need to get back in better shape. I need to lose 40 pounds. I want to bring my blood sugar down some more and lower my cholesterol. But most of all, I want to feel good about my health. I want to relieve stress so I don't have as many panic attacks. I want to be able to get a job and handle the anxiety so I can meet my goals. Then when my ex attempts to come back, and he will, I can throw in his face that I met OUR goals without him!

Anger has always been an amazing motivator for me. I'm going to use it as much as I can until it fizzles out. *RAWR*

That Time

This is the first day I've had to myself so... I watched my break up movies. For the longest time, everytime I've had a break up, I've watched two movies, An Affair to Remember, and, Singles. The first one makes me cry, and the second one makes me laugh. only thing is I think I'm immune to the first one :( I still need the ritual though, for closure.

I know I'll be fine.

Such a Coward

SKK walked away again. They say the 3rd time's the charm. There will not be a 4th time. I promise myself that. Time for a shower, tea & a good book. Good night!

How Could I Forget

I've had a lot to say and write, but no time to sit and do it. We still haven't finished moving and I'm starting to think that my family is so self-destructive and self-defeating that they actually enjoy living in this unsafe, dramatic, chaotic, disgusting environment. I was discussing this with Dingleberry and he was daring me to just move in on my own and have the place to myself until my family shows. I'm really tempted to do that! He doesn't think I will. He said I'd just be a big baby about it and chicken out. I know myself. Those are fighting words *smirks*. Hmm... dare I?

Lately...

I'm still in the process of moving. We should have been out of here a week ago but my sister is making it very difficult. She keeps borrowing the car when we need to move things and keeping it for half the day. Then she comes home and stresses my mother out. I can't wait to be away from the drama. It would make thing a lot easier if my mother could say 'no'.

Ding Dongs!

I haven't had one of these in forever. I shared a pack with my nephew. I had to. They were super sweet.

I'm still moving. It's taking forever. I can't wait to get this done. So much stuff going on but I'm too sleepy to write very much. Going to get all of this moving stuff out of my bed and go to sleep.

zzzZzZzzzzz....

No Net = Anxiety/Panic... *breathes*

My internet goes off today. I don't do very well without it. It's become part of my anti-anxiety toolbox for years. When things get bad, I can listen to music, write, chat with like minded people about a million things. I can get on WoW and kill things or other players. I can find a book to download and read.

In any case, I can post from my cell or the library, and anyone who cares to read this can witness my descent into madness! I think it will be a mixed blessing. There are a few things I've been avoiding and, I will now have to face them. I'm slightly worried about it but, I think I'll be okay. I haven't lost my mind yet, so I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen....

10-14-12

My mom woke me up at the butt-crack of dawn to ask me if she can have my hair dye. Really?! I haven't dyed my hair in 2 years, and it shows. I have gray hair I had forgotten about!

Today: more packing, and I'm going to have to start with books :( I love my books. My books are like my children, or like, organs I feel I might die without! I know.... The reality is, unless they're out of print, I don't need to keep them. I can find them probably at thrift stores or used bookstores when I get my own place. I'm keeping my giant annotated version of Edgar Allan Poe though! I think I want to be buried with it. I guess I can get rid of a bunch of them.

I was deleting old messages from Facebook and saw one thread I had with a friend from high school named Troy. He's the guy I thought I was going to marry for some reason. So not my type now. As I was looking at his wedding pictures I saw an old mutual friend of ours, Jared S. This guy was super sweet and hilarious. I knew he had problems that he never talked about. I always wished good things for him. Looking at Troy's Facebook, I found out that Jared passed away. I don't know how so I messaged Troy for information. It's just so sad to me. 

My Favorite Planet ♥

I love the friendship that me and My Favorite Planet have. We've always had this connection where, we can talk about anything and everything at any time. If we don't talk for awhile, we miss each other, and I usually find some way to reach him. If I don't have the net, I'll email him, though no one emails anymore. It's all about that texting. Does anyone snail-mail anymore? I'd love to do that sometimes.  Anyway I'm getting off the subject. I guess I'll just simplify it by posting this:


MFP: you logged on and i'm about to go to sleep
Me: aww that sucks
MFP: you told me you loved me last night
Me: well you sleep nicely :)  I'll be off and on all day. slowly packing my stuff and cleaning the car out ect
Me: I do :)
Me: I even blogged it
MFP: and then logged off all fast like you were ashamed
Me: why would I be ashamed? lol I was dozing off
MFP: lol
MFP: ashamed in that cute way
MFP: where you're not really ashamed
MFP: but just kinda are
MFP: makes sense right
Me: lol no
Me: I always tell you I love you. just sometimes it's something like a simple ♥! or, lyhisname! or I don't know. I haven't stabbed you yet. that's a term of endearment for mexicans
MFP: it just doesn't make sense to you because you can't remember what it's like to be cute
Me: no, I'm cute all the time! *bats eyelashes and junk*
MFP: not convicing at all
MFP:  :/
Me: you were cute last night too. I was like, aww he's being nice! haha
MFP: is that the only reason why you said it
MFP: you thought i was being cute
MFP: maybe i was drunk
MFP: and you were taking advantage of me
MFP: like in an internet chat box kind of way
MFP: and a totally non sexual way
Me: nope, I say it all the time in my own way. plus, I'm happy that things are getting better for you
Me: and I wanted to say so
MFP: so basically taking advantage of me the same way a person might take advantage of a neighborhood cat following you home hoping you might give it cat food
MFP: do you have cat food btw
MFP: just wondering
MFP: not hungry or anything
Me: well duh it was non sexual. I didn't start off with, "I love you *slowly unhooks my bra*"
Me: we have dog food and, hmm some trail mix
MFP: that actually would've been a really awkward sexual thing to do
MFP: i mean imagine saying that to a guy just like that
MFP: he'd be like
MFP: what?
MFP: why are you saying that now
MFP: is this something we have to stop and talk about
Me: lol
Me: mood killer *puts it back on*
MFP: the mood killer is saying 'i love you' during sex
Me: you think so? I sometimes like to hear it before hand
Me: I sometimes wish it wasn't that complicated
MFP: i don't know, maybe it's not
MFP: but anyway
MFP: sex is an extension of love
MFP: and you've already mentioned you love me
MFP: so...
MFP: where does this lead us
MFP: i love you *unhooks your bra*
MFP: oh man
MFP: i can't even do it as a joke
Me: lol
MFP: i feel all dirty now

. . . . . .later...
MFP: anyway i just thought that was funny
MFP: i mean i've seen you say ♥ to me before
MFP: but it seemed like that was the first time you've said 'i love you' spelled out like that or maybe first time in a while
Me: nope, I've said it before
Me: and you've said it to me too
MFP: i'd say it back but then i'd feel like i have to define precisely what i mean by the term love
MFP: and that sounds like way too much work
MFP: no offense
Me: why would you? lol I know what it doesn't mean, and I'd assume it meant the same thing I meant
MFP: well, it's possibly one of the msot vague words in the human language
MFP: it has dozens of translations in other languages, in same case
MFP: we use the same word to denote the way we love a hobby, the way we love a pet, the way we love a car, the way we love a lover, and the way we love a friend
MFP: the way we love a family member
MFP: all of those being completely different feelings from each other
MFP: you might be telling me you love me and i'd assume you meant as a friend
MFP: but you might actually mean you love me as a car
MFP: i'd have no way of knowing!
MFP: you see how confusing that is
Me: I love you as I do my computer *nods*
Me: meaning, I don't ever want you to be broken, and if you are, I'd try to fix you. and I don't want to be without you because, I kind of need you
MFP: that was even cuter
MFP: that was even cuter than you were last night
MFP: i feel like you and i are in some music video
MFP: where we're falling in love and we just don't know it yet
Me: a cute music video?
MFP: we're still being all dorky with each other
Me: lol really? I was thinking that too, because of this lame movie I'm watching. well not like that just, "what if I was falling in love with someone and didn't know it"
MFP: and then by the end we've fallen for each other and the people watching the video have all died from the sappy pop-punk music playing
Me: psh we'd hopefully have better music
MFP: how about the final countdown
Me: that works lol
MFP: damn right it does
Me: I don't think you could fall in love with me though. you can't even take off my bra without freaking out
MFP: well, you had a ferret in there
MFP: what are you doing keeping a ferret in there anyway?
Me: it's where I keep all of my favorite things
Me: that's where my cell and mp3 player go too
Me: though lately I keep thinking, what if some weird EMP/scary radiation thing happens when people text me, and every time it goes off, it starts to cook my organs it's closest to
MFP: doesn't that make it a little awkward to pick up calls, or do your boobs have some special talent that i'm not aware of yet
Me: you'll never know
MFP: and you called me the mood killer
Me: what sucks is when I'm washing dishes and someone calls, because then I have to dry my hands before reaching in there and hope they haven't hung up
MFP: yeah, i can relate to that
Me: can you?
MFP: btw, don't worry about emp/scary radiation thing from the cell phone cooking your organs
MFP: you're a mexican, cooked organs are a delicacy
Me: you'd eat my organs if I died right? if it were one of my last wishes?
MFP: well, i couldn't deny the dying wishes of one of my best friends

Moving Day 1

Last night I wrote a long'ish entry about how much I've been journaling, for how long, and a bunch of other stuff. It got lost in my browser restart. Firefox is great but they sure have a lot of updates.

Today we start moving. I don't care how lazy everyone else is. If they're not doing anything, I'll move MY stuff and get moved in myself and then gradually help them move in too. First things first though. The car needs cleaning out so we can load it up. Going to try to get the kids to help out with that. Whoever helps out the most can pick what we have for dinner tonight or something.

Slept through the alarm. I wish I hadn't. I've been fixing my sleep all week, waking up at 7am and trying to maintain it. It seems like, ever since I started fixing my sleep, I'm so much busier. Not sure why that is.

Got to spend some time with My Favorite Planet last night and, he was being super sweet. He's family to me. I don't know what I would do without him in my life. He's been working on some things and I'm feeling really hopeful for him. I want him to be happy and have a great life. I want to get good news from him, and hear good things about him. I love him.

I got to spend a lot of time with SKK too, yesterday. He's feeling insecure about a lot of things and, as his girlfriend, I think all I can do is give that time. He's been hurt a lot so I'm not upset about how he's feeling. I just wish I could take that away, make it easier on him somehow. I've been hurt a lot too so, I can empathize with how he's feeling. My poor Sweetheart.

I talked to Dingleberry for a bit yesterday, watched him play some Starcraft 2. He's Diamond rank 4 now.  I figure it's only a matter of time until he makes Masters. He really is improving quickly with all the practice he's been doing. As angry as he makes me, I can't help but want good things for him. If doing tourney's and making it pro are what he wants, then I hope he makes it. Maybe then he'll be a bit happier and, things won't be so bad for him.

Time to get dressed and start doing what needs doing. I love my morning... or mid-morning quiet time..

I found some really nice geisha prints at my favorite thrift store yesterday for 10c! I'll probably use them to cover some hand-bound books or make envelopes.

From Faith Ep16

Faith Episode 16

"There isn't a 'him' for me. Even if I date a man and try to fall in love with him, my mind isn't open completely for a man. Even if my heart seems to be open, it stops, and stops or it gets cold.... or I get lazy and close my mind and hide myself. I always thought to myself that this man isn't the right man for me. This isn't right. The same thing happened when I met Choi Young too. I always draw a line and tell him not to cross over in my mind. I didn't do that because I know I have to leave him eventually. It's just my heart doesn't want it. If I stay with him... sometimes I miss him so much and feel very comfortable. But he can't be 'him'. And whenever I look back, he's always there, and he looks at me. Even if I can't see him, if I ask him where he is, he always says he's here...."

It's translated from a Korean monologue, and paraphrased, but, I know where this character is coming from. As much as I want to be all in, 100% in a relationship and 100% open, something inside of me doesn't let that happen. SKK has told me he's loved me for 10 years. He's been there off and on for me, wanted to be with me, wanted to be here with me. I kept telling myself he was the wrong guy, or I was the wrong woman for him.

Now, I don't want to lose him.

Source: imgfave.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Moving, yay!

Going to be moving soon so lots of cleaning and packing coming up. I'm feeling positive about it though! Job hunting, walking, better neighborhood, fresh start.

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Since I'm not sure how long it will be before I have the internet reestablished, I'll be posting from my cell now and then, and then fleshing it out later if I'm missing anything, probably from the library or, wherever I can find a wifi connection.

I'm seeing positive things ahead. Time to start those To Do lists. Hmm wonder if Flylady has a moving protocol... I must look!

Cheese is Good Stuff

I wanted to list all of the reasons I love him, and then I realized, there just wasn't enough paper.

I texted that to my boyfriend and his reply was, "Oh how cheesy". That made me smile of course, because, as much as he always calls stuff like that, he's the first to say the mushiest stuff. 

Reason #1: He loves me despite how cheesy my texts are!

 

:D

Source: 24.media.tumblr.com via Lisa on Pinterest

It's supposed to be animated. Not sure what's up with that.

Notes From the Past

I was sorting through laundry and found a pair of pants in the closet that I haven't worn since apparently, the beginning of the year. Inside the pocket was a note I had taken on a napkin where I had written about how much I miss my ex-boyfriend, Rich. Rich and I broke up in hmm January? He loved me and, I didn't realize how much he meant to me until it was too late. He tried being patient, holding on for months and, I wasn't in a good place to have a relationship. I was dealing with a lot of the things I'm still dealing with.

The note in my pocket: 

Lost cause or not, I love Rich G. He is a good man. He makes me smile. He makes me happy. He loves me unconditionally. I wish I hadn't taken him for granted. Stupid me.

Lesson's Learned:

Dave - don't hold back

Rich - don't take him for granted

Ricky - don't let my fears get in the way

Teek - have fun

Chris - 'whatevs', don't sweat the small stuff

Shaun - don't hesitate. go with my gut.

zzzzz

I'm so anxious and stressed, but I'm too tired to meditate :(

Sharing is...

I had a nice, quiet night set up. Dingleberry wanted to watch something together via Skype, so we grabbed our food, snacks, whatever, and settled in. He wanted to introduce me to the Big Bang Theory since I had never watched it. The pilot was hilarious. We had started the 2nd episode when my mom comes into my room, and tells me that I needed to pick my sister up and bring her over. She was having some type of crisis.

I have a personal policy. If I'm going to be inconvenienced over 'sister drama', my mom has to come with me. I don't enable them, indulge their behaviors or or feel I have to deal with whatever it is they're doing, if I don't have to. Call me cold or cruel but, I have my own mental/emotional health to worry about. 

My sister came back with us, and I still have Dingleberry on Skype so I teach her how to use it, and we get into a call with him. I'm glad they met each other. It was fun talking to them both. He got a chance to listen to some stories he hasn't heard yet. My sister got to "meet" one of my online friends that I spend a lot of time with. 

I guess I'm just glad that I was able to share something of myself with them. I'm not much of a sharer'er. I will answer any question. I'm an open book. But there's so much I leave out, and keep to myself.  I'm a very reserved person....

Now, it's 4:39am, I'm sleepy, sugared up, and I want to go to bed. Hopefully he wants to try to have a nice quiet night tomorrow instead.

Sleepy Babbling

I'm just NOW getting to sleep. I meant to go to bed at 4am but Dingleberry wanted to talk on Skype so I could watch him play some SC2. Then we got busy watching Tasteosis vids which had us busting up laughing. Then, since I said I've never seen I Love You Man, we decided to watch it. He fell asleep on Skype and I'm just now going to bed. So...his fault *nods*

None of that would be an issue if my son wasn't coming over to hang out. I need to take him to pick up his medication, and then take him grocery shopping. He's out of everything, my poor baby. He's 22, but, he's bi-polar with Aspergers, so, he needs me to do a lot for him still. I just hope I get enough sleep before having to do all this.  I really don't like driving on only a few hours sleep. If they let me sleep til 4'ish, I can get 5 hours sleep.... It's sad that I have to do the math every time my sleep gets screwed up.

Enough sleepy babbling. I really need to get some sleep.

He Is.

Pampering Pledges and Crazy Me

Some people are silly, including myself. People in general are silly, irrational, sometimes stupid, funny, brilliant, amazing. People are nuts sometimes. I'm nuts sometimes. I am just simply neurotic. But...! I like myself. There are things I want to improve on of course, in a huge way. I'm so flawed. But as long as the man I love embraces every one of those flaws, accepts me for who I am, and loves me the way he does, I think I can learn to not be so hard on myself all the time.

This does not mean I need a man to validate who I am, or, to make me feel good. If he was only my best friend, it would still mean the same. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I have a lot of work to do, and I'm not going to freak out if it all doesn't go according to plan. And I have SKK to thank for that. Sucks for him I'm not linking him to my blog :x

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I've been thinking lately about how I used to do things that made me feel good about myself.  I'd have 5 main areas to work on: financial, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I would list things I wanted to do in each area, put them on index cards and work on them all the time. I haven't done that in awhile but I do think it would be great to start that up again. I'm going to start small.

I used to be in an email group called Feminine Ways. These ladies would work on and discuss things that made them feel beautiful, or lady like, or, like fascinating women. I'm fairly independent so I'd take what I could use from the group and implement it, and let whatever I didn't need go.  One of the things they would do weekly was make a Pampering Pledge. We'd take turns listing 5 things we wanted to do to pamper ourselves during the week. We'd share ideas, links that would help, etc. I loved it and thought it was very positive and do-able. So, since it's Sunday, I'm going to make a Pampering Pledge for this week.

1. I'm going to mask my face this week.
2. I'm going to lotion my feet and paint my toenails.
3. I'm going to wear my jewelry every day.
4. I'm going to go through some of my clothes and toss out anything with a stain, a rip, that's too big (still wearing some tops I wore before I lost 40 pounds.)
5. I'm going to look in the mirror when I wash my face in the morning, and tell myself the things Ricky told me to say.  

I won't be beating myself up over it if I don't do these things but, I know I'll feel good if I do them. I'll go take a nap, and start the day off fresh afterwards. 

WoWww

My Skype Status: Someone on Destro should buy me WoW time for 10k gold :D

My BF: you dont need wow; ill supply you with all the wow you need baby

I thought that was cute. Even more so since I know he hates World of Warcraft.

Sunlight

I've only been off of World of Warcraft for 17 hours. I slept 4 of those, and I seem to be getting a lot of stuff done. Spring cleaned a quarter of my room, which was needed.  I want to make sure those spiders are gone!  I've read a few chapters of my favorite book.  I've done some writing.  I've attempted some drawing and ended up cleaning my pencil box instead, which needed doing. I've caught up with two friends, texted my boyfriend until I'm sure he's tired of me. I helped my mom with a bunch of kitchen stuff and after this nap, I'll be making some biscuits.

Tomorrow, I've decided to go to the park with my book, and get some sun. I'm sure the sun will be shocked to see me!
================

Okay I Googled sunlight, and this pic came up. I'm not quite sure what to think about it lol but, the site actually has some really cool pics so I thought I'd go ahead and link it.

Scattered Thoughts

Earlier, I let my boyfriend meet my friends via Skype. I felt oddly nervous, like I was bring him home to meet my family. I mentioned that in status and Christine says: Aw, we're your family?! (insert hearts and mushy smileys here)

Made burritos for dinner. Just fried up some potatoes, ground beef, cilantro, tomatoes, garlic and whatever spices I felt like adding. Heated up some beans to go with it. I'm trying to stay away from rice so no spanish rice. I really want to lose these 10 pounds that crept up on me the past year. I just need to be more active.

I think Dingleberry and I are at some kind of stand still in our friendship. He's always being insulting and I'm always being sarcastic. I think we just, got on each other's nerves after spending so much time together. We know too much about each other, though he says I don't know him at all. I'm also not as important to him as I used to be. So I'm going to see this as an opportunity to distance myself some. I think it will be good for us because we're going to get to the point where we don't like each other if this keeps up. He used to try to stop me but, he doesn't notice when I'm not around anymore so that's a plus. And if he needs me, like, really needs a friend, he knows how to reach me.

I've been wanting to do something creative lately, only I'm not sure what. Something I can do with what I already have would be nice. I also need to start going through my supplies and cleaning stuff out. My family is going to be moving in a month or two if things go well, so I need to spring clean my room and toss things I won't be taking with me. So much stuff going on lately.

Maybe I'm Amazed...

First, some old business. I did try to go without speaking... but it didn't go very well. I did however, not speak to this person for 2 days, and he so wasn't liking it! I have to say, I've learned something from this. One, some people are oblivious as to how they treat people. It's making me more aware of how I treat my friends and the people around me. So much "behind the scenes" stuff happens in this circle of friends and I have to ask myself, are there things they wish they could tell me that they don't? Are they able to speak their minds to me? Am I being a good friend? 

I also have to ask myself, am I being too good of a friend? This person who says things to bother me, I know if he knew how much things did bother me, he might stop. So for that, I'll take the blame. But, There are a few other incidences where, I've went above and beyond the call of duty and put him first where I know he'd never do the same for me. There's a lot I hold in because truthfully, I don't think he could handle it. I think if he knew exactly how I felt about our friendship, the way he makes me feel sometimes, he would be angry and hurt. He doesn't handle criticism at all.

I love him unconditionally though. I can't help it. I remember a time when he was very good to me, and treated me well, so I tend to hold onto it. I used to think it was because I had feelings for him at one point but I know now that that wasn't the case. We're so incompatible, it's crazy to think I once thought I was in love with him. He's not unlovable or anything like that, just sooooo wrong for me.

Which brings me to new business. Last night, SKK and I talked about things. We talked about our insecurities, our feelings, what we want to happen in the future. We talked about my fears and anxiety issues and how I'm afraid that he couldn't handle it, or that it would somehow get in the way of our future. It was really good to talk about it and, I hope he and I are always this open and can talk about anything, especially if we're talking about having a future together.

We have a long way before we're in the place we want to be, but, I think we're moving in the right direction.

"Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time. Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you."

Brrrrrr

Forgotten but not forgiven. 

Disregarded but not left alone. 

Dismissed though my heart is tethered. 

Abandoned inside your home.

I need to start writing again.  I mean, I've been writing but, I haven't been expressing. I haven't done anything significant. I haven't done any purging. I haven't dealt with a lot of things. 

I need to figure out how to write in the midst of noise, chaos, drama and anything else my family and friends throw at me.

Big, sulky baby :x

For the first time in a long time. SKK rejected me last night. It wasn't anything major. He was angry at me for something I didn't do, and refused my calls. And I, in turn, called him a baby. I shouldn't have done it. I was frustrated, and disappointed, but I was the one who resorted to name calling. 

I really thought he was being a big, sulky baby, but I shouldn't have said so. I should have simply said, "Babe, don't be like this. When you shut me out, it hurts."

Now to figure out what I want to do to fix this situation. We haven't argued in awhile.

I Hate Spiders >.>

Sometime during my life, I developed a lot of phobias, one being, spiders, or being bit by bugs/spiders. Last night, I was laying in bed, watching Heroes with Dingleberry and, I felt something crawling on me.  I kept smacking it away but it turned out to be multiple baby spiders. One bit me and, it got swollen, hurt like hell and I had all kinds of weird symptoms that could have just been psychosomatic or anxiety related. It was horrible.

It's been three hours and, though nothing horrible has happened, it hurts like hell. It feels like a stinging, burning sensation in a big area of my arm. It's red, and there are goose bumps around the area. The blister is gone, just dissolved on it's own. The bite area is cold to the touch and kind of sticky feeling.

I don't know what to do about it. I'm sleepy. Do I just go to sleep and hope I don't get any weird symptoms and die in my sleep!  I know, I sound ridiculous but, I can't help but think about this stuff.  It's how I am :( If I don't go to sleep, I'll for sure feel even worse on top of whatever I feel from the spider bite. Is this something I should be seeing a doctor for? I won't have a car all day until 2'ish so, that scares me too. 

Phobias are defined as an irrational fear of something. Irrational is right.

Strong Enough!

I keep telling myself this, and my friends keep telling me this. I need to cut people out of my life who hurt me. I really don't know what or who this person thinks I am but, I am worth so much more than this. 

I am going through a lot right now in my life.  So many things I'm dealing with, facing, working on, and I don't need someone who talks to me like I'm nothing, bringing me down. Either build me up, push me forward or get out of my way.  I don't have the time or the energy for this.

I'm going to miss this person so much that it will eventually hurt more than the hurt he's caused. But until then, I need to walk away, before I start hating him. It's the right thing to do. 

I have to keep telling myself this or I won't feel strong enough.  Hmm which brings me to...

Okay so it's not exactly appropriate but, whatever. Enough feeling angsty and pissy. I'm going to chair dance.

I'm Afraid It's All Been Wasted Time

The Eagles - Wasted Time

Well baby, there you stand
With your little head, down in your hand
Oh my God, you can't believe it's happening again
Your baby's gone, and you're all alone
And it looks like the end.

And you're back out on the street.
And you're tryin' to remember.
How do you start it over?
You don't know if you can.
You don't care much for a stranger's touch,
But you can't hold your man.

You never thought you'd be alone this far down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time

The autumn leaves have got you thinking about the first time that you fell ...fell
You didn't love the boy too much, no, no, you just loved the boy too well ,
So you live from day to day, and you dream about tomorrow.
And the hours go by like minutes and the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something to make them go away
And I could have done so many things, baby
If I could only stop my mind from wonderin' what
I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted time

Ooohh another love has come and gone

Ooohh and the years keep rushing on
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:
"Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone."
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find , that it wasn't really wasted time

Alienation

I think I take too many people in my life, for granted. I really don't mean to but I know part of it is, how I cope with things.  Sometimes I'll be talking to Friend1 and Friend2 will call, and I'll think, "I can talk to them later. I don't want to deal with two conversations right now." Only, Friend2 feels the brush-off and disappears for awhile. Maybe it's a throw back from my anxiety issue, or social malfunctions but, I'm not sure how to handle this.  In the meantime, a lot of my relationships are suffering.

It not only makes me feel like a horrible friend but like I can't cope with people in general. It's very frustrating.

Saturn :)

Source: funcage.com via Britton on Pinterest

Saturn = My Favorite Planet :D

Favorite Song Quotes & Lyrics

I'm a word person. Growing up, before the internet made things easy, I collected lyrics. Here are some of my favorites:

"And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"

 ----- Train - Drops of Jupiter

"I made this bed and now it's time to sleep"

----- Her Space Holiday - My Girlfriend's Boyfriend 

" ...you are everything I want, 'Cause you are everything I'm not"

 ----- Taking Back Sunday - MakeDamnSure

"I've been hanging around, Just in case you fall in love with me"

----- Robbie Williams 

"Through the sleepless nights and every endless day I'd want to hear you say, I remember you."

----- Skid Row - I Remember You

mmmm

Source: silverslipper.tumblr.com via Zornitsa on Pinterest

Quote

Source: loveyoualways.polyvore.com via Lisa on Pinterest

ick

I always get a knot in my stomach when he starts the conversation with, "I ran into my ex-girlfriend today at my work."

He tells me all the time that he regrets any mistakes he's made in the past. He regrets wasting time and not being here.  It bothers him that I don't feel secure and that he's the only man I've ever really been jealous over. And I admit my part in this too. When things go great between us, I run. I can't help it. I'm terrified of something so every time we get closer, and I'm almost all in, I run and hide. He's afraid that's what I'm going to do.

I don't know why we do this to each other.  I can't stand how we make each other feel. But, I can't imagine him not being in my life, and the few times he wasn't, I missed him more than he'll realize.

I just don't have faith anymore. I'm not sure how to work on that.

Sometimes I think too much about things. Other times, I don't know what I was thinking.

sounds about right :D

zzzzzz......

Tonight, two people who mean a lot to me told me that they loved me. One was romantic love, devoted love, "I need you in my life yesterday" love. The other was unselfish, I see who you are and you're adorable love. It means more than they know.

And now, I must get some sleep.  Long day ahead. Good stuff :D

...after I watch these Quake matches My Favorite Planet linked me to.

Remember.

All of the "I love you's" he asked for that he couldn't return.  The huge gesture I've made that he begged for until I gave in. Opening myself up to him because I thought he was worth it... I now believe that he never cared. He asked for these things, took them from me and then walked away like it meant nothing.

All I can do about it is be the strong person he never could be.

How to Make Artist Trading Cards: 11 steps (with pictures)

How to Make Artist Trading Cards: 11 steps (with pictures)

This one too! I remember seeing these blank cards in the art supply store and I've always wanted to sit and do this. Maybe I'll find some inspiration later when I wake up.

How to Fall Out of Love: 7 steps - wikiHow

How to Fall Out of Love: 7 steps - wikiHow

StumbledUpon this article and thought I'd post it to remind me about something. That, it's okay to walk away if you have to.

MakeDamnSure

I'm watching MattH sleep. I'm not being a creeper! We were talking a for a few hours on Skype, on webcam, and he dozed off. He's adorable when he sleeps.

Taking Back Sunday - MakeDamnSure. He wants me to learn this song so we can sing it together but, there's a delay in our streaming so I don't think it would work, live anyway.

 ...you are everything I want
'Cause you are everything I'm not

And we lay, we lay together just not
Too close, too close (How close is close enough?)

I'm gonna make damn sure that you can't ever leave
No, you won't ever get too far from me

Earlier, he had the biggest smile on his face while he was talking to me. He kept telling me how cute I was. I never know what to say to that.

I need sleep. Buenos noches.

hahahahaha

Blog Surfing

I've been blog surfing for a bit, seeing what other people are putting out there, how they do their thing. I found a few playlists and this song was on one of them. I love discovering music I haven't heard before.

It's an upbeat song but the lyrics are kind of sad. I think pain takes your writing to a different place that everyone can reach.

Camera Obscura - The Sweetest Thing

I'm going on a date tonight
To try to fall out of love with you
I know, I know this is a crime
But I don't know what else to do

You challenged me to write a love song
Here it is, I think I got it wrong
I focused on the negative
The pain was too much to write and sing
Oh, it was not a nice incentive

Gratitude Journal

1. Optiks and I singing on Skype like the "old days".
2. Having better things to do.
3. Looking forward to making enchiladas tomorrow.
4. Early morning texts during someone's work break.
5. Late night runs to 7-11.

It Never Fails

Every time he pops online, I jump, and then I smile :)

Nothing Noteworthy

Today was pretty uneventful. I went out to dinner with my mom and niece. Pesto Pasta, good stuff.

My online little bro, Matt called me on skype for a bit and we listened to music and caught up some. He got on webcam, to show me his afro wig! I love this kid. He's one of my favorite people online and, he's the biggest sweetheart. I wish good things for him.

I think I'm having a migraine. I feel, dizzy and this huge pressure in my head.  I wish I were sleepy.  I'd try to sleep through it.

Today is an amusing day :D

:D

Ricky's coming to visit me on the 22nd :D He's going to be driving his son to college and passing through town on the way back. So, we're going to catch up and spend some time together. I have not seen this man since I was 25 I think. We kept in touch for awhile and then lost touch when I moved. I always looked for him on myspace, etc.  Finally I found him a few years back and we just picked up where we left off.  

Sometimes, I'm a bit irritated that he's so stuck in the past.  He thinks I'm the same person I was and, I'm not.  I'm older, a bit smarter, a lot wiser, and I've learned a lot of lessons about relationships, people. Fine, I guess there are a few things I haven't learned. When to put my foot down, when to walk away. When a person is not good for me. How not to take care of everyone else first all the time. Some things are harder lessons for me I guess.

He loves me, always has. He asks me every time when I'm going to quit being afraid of change, pack my stuff up and move in with him up North. Sooooo not going to ever happen.

Sugarland - Stay

I've been there, and I understand why she's crying. This song always gets me.

I can't take it any longer,
but my will is getting stronger
and i think i know just what i have to do.

I can't waste another minute
after all that I've put in it.
I've given you my best.

Why does she get the best of you?
So the next time you find
you wanna leave her bed for mine,
why dont you stay?

I'm up off my knees.
I'm so tired of being lonely,
You cant give me what i need.
When she begs you not to go,
there is one thing you should know.

I don't have to live this way.
Baby why don't you stay...

I love how in the beginning of this song, she just needs him so badly, and then realizes, she doesn't. She's strong and can climb out of those depths and do what she needs to do for herself. Good song!

 

Marvelous 3 - Cigarette Lighter Love Song

My lips are raw as hell
From biting on them just to stay awake
It's not like I'm gonna need them, you won't be around
To see them bleed and break

All that I do, comes back to you
So I'll just think about you
'til there's nothing in my head
All I can do, is try not to screw this up again
And just be friends... I'd rather be dead!

I'm like a movie without an ending
You know I've got nowhere to go
And it makes me wanna throw up
To see you wanna give up
More than you'll ever know

Everything's supposed to have a happy ending
But the record keeps skipping and the needle keeps bending
Like the road I'm driving to the bridge that has no end
I wanna take back everything that I've broken
But the bridges behind me are burning and smoking

I guess this is the end

(Only posted some of the lyrics.)

Actions Not Words

I had a friend who would always tell me, when you're confused about what a man is doing, don't listen to what he says. Look at his actions. That isn't helping in this situation!!!

Pintrest

Finally Pinned my first Pin.....

Source: keyperscove.deviantart.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Oops!

I slept until 3:30pm! I set my alarm for 11 and it didn't go off. I hate myself when I do things like this.  Sure I need the sleep but, I'd rather go to bed earlier the next night than later. 

Last night I killed a huge spider. It was a quick spider because I saw it chase a bug, and it scared the hell out of me. The abdomen was maybe a centimeter big but I told myself, either kill it NOW while I can, or have it crawl on my face when I'm asleep and kill me! So, I grabbed a huge wad of napkins and smashed it! *RAWR* 

So I've earned the title: Talulah Conqueror of Arachnids

Gratitude Journal

1. I was brave and killed a big, ugly spider.
2. I found my green, dragonfly bracelet.
3. I found my Simple Abundance book :D
4. Early morning phone calls.

Even if, you don't love me anymore...

Who hasn't been there.

Don Henley - The Heart of the Matter
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talking' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been trying' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Serenades

Tonight, Matt called. He wanted to get on webcam and, so I brushed my hair and put some lipstick on really quick and talked to him. I'm really shy so each time I do this it's a huge deal. We talked about a lot of things, and he played some songs for me. He played a few I didn't know, and then played some White Stripes, which I love. He sung to me. It was really sweet. He's a good friend.

I think he has feelings for me. He told me I would make him so happy if I started going back to church again, so we can be on the same page spiritually and see what happens. He's referred to me as "the woman he has feelings for". 

I've told him we're good friends.

He fell asleep talking to me, with a smile on his face.

Another Habit

I find it very hard to walk away from people. I get attached no matter how much I try not to. Problem is, I get attached to people who have no sense of loyalty it seems. Maybe it's a subconscious self-destructive thing, like falling in love with worthless assholes, or trusting people who screw me over.

One thing that has never been hard for me was walking away from someone who has kept a huge secret from me that would affect our relationship. I can usually walk away from liars too, because, once someone loses my trust, it's almost impossible to get it back. Yet there's this guy who has done both that I can't walk away from no matter how much I try.

This man.... I can't even think about it because, every time I do, I get furious at him, and myself for even dealing with someone like him. I think it's time to start writing my lists. Pros will be his redeeming qualities, and Cons will be the qualities I can't live with. Going to grab an index card and see which side wins.

Will I be deleting him or not?

Well hmm

My family has boundary issues.  I could go into a long rant about it, start stating situations and incidences that would make most people disown their relatives but, I'll only discuss one incident that happened earlier.

My family has the habit of not knocking on doors.  The rare times they knock, they don't wait for the traditional "come in" before entering. So, I lock my door. Sometimes during the Summer, I like to sit around in not much clothing. Sometimes I'm on the phone or talking privately to friends.  Sometimes, I'm watching a movie and don't want to be disturbed without that moment to pause before continuing, so I don't miss anything. There are a million reasons why I would lock my door, and, it doesn't really matter WHY. People should just respect a locked, even simply closed door. Am I insane in thinking this?

My mother knocked on the door and I said, "yeah?", meaning, "can I help you?", and she starts yelling about locked doors. I'm laying on the bed texting someone and tell her to wait a moment, so I can get up and open the door. She starts screaming about how I can stay in my room forever and she never wants to see my face again. How useless and worthless I am, etc etc. So I open the door, tell her she's being ridiculous and why I have the door locked. And she keeps screaming about how she never wants to see my face.

It's not a new situation. She's over-reacted and played the drama queen most of my life. I think she was my training, so I could raise a mentally ill son.  I had to learn not to scream back at irrational people. I had to learn how to pick my battles.


.... My mother banished me to my room!  At my age! I really need to get the hell out of here before she makes me lose my mind. I need to get a job, get a car, get my own place, and hide from these people! Not tell them where I live, seriously. That could take months, and in the meantime, try not to have anxiety so bad that I can't do anything. 

Good Night / Gratitude Journal

Tonight was nice. I got to catch up with my friend Christian.  I haven't talked to him in awhile.  We used to be really close. We were instant friends and, he always gave me the most truthful, helpful advice. He could call situations before they happened, and would tell me what kind of people I'm dealing with after meeting them once. He was always right too. I've told him things I had never told anyone else. Now someone else plays that role in my life, my confidant.

I couldn't sleep again so I stayed up watching movies.  I kind of wish I hadn't.  I never got to spend any time with My Hero. I guess there's always next week, but, those days I don't get to see him kind of take "forever". 

One thing I've noticed about men is, when you say something nice about another man, they give up on themselves, or think you see something lacking in them. I wish they didn't do that.

==========================
I'm going to go ahead and add my Gratitude Journal to this entry.

1. Friends who read books.
2. My baby and the way he makes me laugh.
3. Yummy smelling lotion.  I have the softest skin right now!
4. Lava lamps. I've said it a few times, these things are a God-send.
5. Chocolate.

(His Hidden Purpose)

I'm not just a Period in my man's life. I'm also not a Question Mark or a Comma. I am his Parentheses. I not only embrace who he is, I am also the hidden meaning of his purpose. Babe, I will not fail you ღ

My 3rd or 4th Second Life

I couldn't sleep, had a headache, so I thought I'd see who was on Second Life, and, Joy was on! She decided to rent a place near mine and, I hope we can start doing stuff again.  I had a lot of fun with it, and I think I need a distraction. SL has so much new stuff going on. Can't wait to check it out :)

*gasp*

 *inserts nudes here*

I joke of course.  I've been going through my music and found this song that I've always loved but forgot about. It's very sweet and peaceful.

I had a pretty good day minus the stress causing family drama. I know I should probably elaborate but, I don't feel I do anything really noteworthy.  I got 10 hours sleep which I'm sure made up for the lack of sleep the rest of the week.  I had a good lunch.  I spent time with my son.  I got to catch up with a few old friends. I played games with the kids.  I watched some more of Heroes. Then I jumped on WoW and decided to figure out my new warlock rotation.

I think I'll find a movie to watch and relax until I'm sleepy. Everyone else in the place is asleep so I can't do much else.

ღ Talulah

So much for that good mood. What was making me so happy ended up pissing me off. So I just stayed up and watched Korean shows until the show I was watching was out of episodes. Why do men have to be such asses? I don't get it.

*does not RP*

I'm in a really good mood.  I slept nicely, got some errands done. Made a nice dinner, got to spend some time with a friend of mine. Talking to 'my favorite planet' and waiting on this show to load so I can watch it.  
 ~~~
I think I'm learning to let go. I should have taken the time to do that before but, I just kept pushing it aside because I wasn't ready. Me and my damn attachments. I just wanted things to be how they were. But, I can have that, with someone else when I'm ready for it. Someone who will love me and know they do, not someone who "almost" did. I deserve that :)

'My favorite planet' and I have been talking about how I don't fight for my relationships. How when a man wants to walk away, I tell him it's okay. He gave me a lot to think about.

I think I'll go to bed early tonight. I have a life to plan.

Gratitude Journal

Thought I might get this done before I went to bed.

1. Friends that remind me that I can get over my hangups in little steps.
2. Ramen
3. A bed to sleep in, blankets etc.
4. Something A. told me earlier that I don't think I'll ever forget.
5. Everything is back to normal.

Today

Today was a long day, probably because I only got 4 hours sleep the night before. I slept well during those four hours, and now I'm ready for bed again.

A guy I talk to online often gave me his number. He seems like a nice guy, intelligent, funny, can hold a good conversation. Not doing anything about it though.

And that was just a glimpse

...into PMS for Talulah. Enough with the emotional junk. Life is good :) I'm still hella confused but life is good. 

So, I let a friend convince me to get on webcam last night. It's not something I normally do because for one, I'm shy. Second, I'm really self conscious about how I look.  Since my living situation has changed, I'm not eating very well and I think I put back on some of the weight I had lost previously. This is something I need to work on as soon as I decide to do it. 

My plan? Walking regularly until I'm in enough shape to start riding a bike. My nieces have 3 bikes and, some are grown-up sized.  May as well put them to use. I just hope the saying is true, that it really is just as easy as riding.... a..... bike.... haha.

Second part of my plan, no more starches. I lost 40 pounds before just cutting out white bread, potatoes, rice and switching all those fillers up for whole grains. Then I quit soda, but I don't really drink soda now unless it's diet and caffeine free.

I know how to do this.  I have the knowledge. It's the money and the determination I'm lacking.  My Favorite Ex used to always tell me, "You can do anything you set your mind to."  Even after we split up and couldn't stand each other, he told me to remember that. Problem is, I haven't set my mind to it.