It's been a rough month. My son had decided to quit taking his bi-polar medication and ended up in the hospital. It was really hard for us both. I thought I had lost him. Half of the time, he didn't know I was there with him. It broke my heart.
I had some bad depression. I have my bad moments, bad days, bad weeks, but I've never felt like I did this time. It didn't last long and I was PMS'ing at the time so I'm pretty sure it was hormone related. It scared the hell out of me. I have never felt so empty, hopeless, dark. That scene in Neverending Story, where the horse is trapped in the pits of despair and just wanted to let himself die... I would never hurt myself, ever, but I imagine that's what it felt like. Like, nothing mattered. I don't want to feel that way again. I hope it's not a regular thing.
Soon after that, I got bad palpitations for a few weeks. I'm still getting them randomly. I went to the emergency room and they checked my heart. X-ray, EKG, blood work. They said my heart was fine. I don't know why this keeps happening and why now. I haven't had palpitations in so long. I just bear with them and wait til my next doctor's appointment. I pray a lot. I hate that it makes me worry about my health all the time.
Jett left me, again. I'm not enough for him. I'm busy with kids, my mom, tons of driving. I thought he would understand because he has kids himself. I also thought he knew how I felt about him, and how much he means to me. I don't think he'll ever accept that I love him. He will always have doubts. I can't fix that.
I've been here before. The reason Gar left was the same. He couldn't handle that I was busy with my family. When I told Jett this, he said that was stupid, but, look where we are.
I was up all night thinking and, trying to keep busy so I didn't think too much. I listened to music, played League of Angels II, got on Palace and talked to my sis for a bit. Now, it's 6am and I haven't heard a thing from him. I need to sleep. I just wish my heart was steady. It keeps skipping beats and stopping. It's driving me nuts.
By the way, some good things did happen too but, I needed to vent. I also wanted to get these things down. Going to bed now.
