Saturday!

I still "jump" every time I see G sign on, on WoW. It's very confusing. I jump, get excited and then remember how things are. I know I can talk to him any time but, that's not the same either. I start talking to him, think about how much I missed him, and nothing's the same. He doesn't talk to me the same way. He never laughs anymore. He's just...distant. Blah. So I end up not saying anything.

Today, the girls are going to a Dodgers game! They're not excited but I'm excited for them. I think it will be a fun experience, and at least they can say they've been to a game. Big Brothers/Big Sisters is providing tickets for them and their "Bigs", so they'll be going with friends and people they know. I think it's a great idea. They have a few other things set up for the Summer. I love this program. They do so much with them and for them.

We almost had my nephew out of the house too. He wanted to play basketball with his friends at the park. I love when he does stuff like that because usually, he doesn't want to do anything. He's in one of those brooding, moody teen phases. He ended up changing his mind because his ball is flat.... Other kids bring basketballs too! But it's all or nothing with him. I don't know what to do about that but hope that he realizes he's being too rigid in his thinking.

My mother and I will probably go and check out a bunch of thrift stores. I go for the books & whatever I can find that can be used in crafts. She looks for the antiques. She's into really old dolls, tea and saucer sets, stuff like that.

.... I'm running late. Going to make myself something to eat and then finish laundry. Have a good Saturday!

This Played in the Background...

"Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

Needing My zzzzzZZZZ's

I woke up super early to get a bunch of stuff done, and now I'm going to bed much later than I had planned, and way more tired. I hope I get a good night's sleep.

I've heard this song twice today and I missed it. Thought I'd share.

"We're just fumbling through the grey
Trying find a heart that's not walking away

Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far from so close

Like ships in the night
You keep passing me by
We're just wasting time
Trying to prove who's right
And if it all goes crashing into the sea
If it's just you and me trying to find the light
Like ships in the night
You're passing me by
You're passing me by
Like ships in the night"

I Need to Quit Doing That!

Tonight, I forgot to turn my ringtone off again and, MH called. He's a good friend of mine, and we haven't really had a chance to talk lately. I found out why. He's been dating someone and, they're engaged! I love it. He's been divorced for a few years and, he was so miserable. I'm glad he's finally happy again, and hopeful. Good news is always welcome :)

As he was telling me about his plans, I felt very alone. I shouldn't but, I do. The distance between G and I is getting so much wider. I think he really isn't in love with me anymore. I think he doesn't miss me anymore either. I just don't feel him anymore. I used to feel him so close, like he was right where I was. Now I just feel, like I'm holding on to the ghost of our relationship. It hurts. I'm not ready for it to be over but, I can't walk in this empty place alone anymore, the ruins of what we once had. I can't be here anymore. He always tells me, "You did this. This is your doing." I never walked away.

I'm going to go back to sleep while I'm still tired. I also need to not think for awhile.

Good night.

Great Sunday

Some days I wake up in a great mood, even when nothing great is going on around me. My son showed up super early. The kids woke up early and started making noise. The dog is requiring attention. My mother keeps saying the same things over and over because she wants attention too. House is clean but needs straightening up. Breakfast is out of the way. I don't know. Life just feels good.

Not sure what I'll do today. I'm thinking I'll go sit on the patio and read some more of the book G bought me. It's the latest Tess Gerritsen novel. I LOVE her. Yes, I've read the Risolli  & Isles books, but way before the TV series was created. I didn't really watch the show but I'm glad Tess Gerritsen got that recognition. She's great. A former medical examiner turned novelist :D

Off to do some more of this day.
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I miss G. I miss our relationship. I know that I have some things to work on before working on things, or getting into another relationship though. Life doesn't have to be perfect to love someone and be loved by someone but, I'd like to have something more to offer. I'd like to be with someone and be able to show that I can make it work, and then go to the next level.

Who knows what the future holds. I'm feeling hopeful.

I Won't Give Up On Us

I'm good. I'm maintaining. I've been working my programs, and I have to say, I'm liking the mind shifting. I feel more positive lately, less oppressed/depressed. I feel hopeful and like I have more control over my life.

Since my makeover, I've been wearing makeup every day again. Betty was right. It does make you feel a whole lot better. Usually, I'll feel good and then decide to put makeup on and do my hair, not the other way around. Considering the way I was feeling for a long time, I didn't wear makeup except for those rare, good days. Once in awhile, there will be some break-through anxiety or "what if this is temporary?" type feelings. It's all part of the process though.

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I've decided to check out the local Adult Mental Health office and see if they would give me the anxiety medication that I know will work for me. I've also decided to see what kind of funding I would qualify for to take medical front office classes. I want to do something towards my future and with Baby Boomers getting older, I know the medical field will be BOOMING. It's Summer so starting this time of the year would be great. The kids are on break. My mother isn't working so I should have access to the car. I'm feeling positive.

I heard this song on the radio the other day and it just, stuck with me. You HAVE to listen to it!

"Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am"

Ick

And the dog wakes me up at some God forsaken hour, again!.... May as well get some things off of my mind.

G and I got into a huge fight last night over yet another misunderstanding. He whispered me while I was in the middle of a battle ground. I didn't see it but after awhile he said "nvm" so I switched tabs to see what he said without the BG chatter. I messaged him back and he was so angry with me. When I told him what happened, he said he didn't believe me. I don't like being misunderstood so I took a picture and sent it to him and, well, it just went from there. He said that for someone who is trying to work towards a 2nd chance, I don't have my priorities straight. I'm paraphrasing. Then he said he doesn't know why he wastes his time. That hurt.

Then... I started crying. I was so angry, and fed up, and frustrated. I think everything I've been feeling over the past few weeks just came pouring out. He went to bed so I wrote him an email telling him everything I was feeling. I ended it with letting him know that he was going to lose me. I told him that I thought he was unfair, wrong, acted really uncool. I said that though I loved him and wanted to work things out, I'm not going to allow him to treat me this way. I said a bunch of other things and, I have to say, it was kind of all over the place, but, I said what I needed to say.

I was seriously fed up tonight. I cried so hard and then thought, why am I letting him do this to me? He's been distant and we've bickered before but tonight, he was just being mean and I was NOT okay with it.

During all of the texting, my cell was getting full. I have this habit of hoarding texts. Stuff from friends, family, Gbear that mean a lot to me get locked. So, after all of that, I decided to archive his texts on my Google Drive. I had saved all of the "I love you"'s and other such mushy stuff. I left off on April. I had to. I was starting to see where things started going badly and, I just didn't want to see it anymore. We went from being so in love to, him breaking up with me every time we had a misunderstanding. I'm starting to think he did it because he was afraid he'd get hurt. We were breaking up when things were at their best. Who does that?

I'm betting he doesn't reply, and walks away for good. Tomorrow is going to suck.

Creative Brainstorming

Sometimes, randomly, I wish I could do things I can't. Like... this morning, I woke up wishing I knew how to whittle. Every time I'm at Michael's, I look at the balsa wood and carving knives and think, "Could I do anything with those? Would I be able to make something beautiful or, would I end up with wood chips and a toothpick?" I have a friend who has carved Christmas ornaments for his wife. I think doing something like that would be fun.

I've wanted to learn how to make soap, or candles. I've always wanted to make a quilt. I want to make a random nine-patch quilt and then sew the intricate quilting patterns on it by hand, with a rack and a lot of needle and thread. My grandmother made quilts for every member of the family. I wish I still had mine.

I've always wanted to stencil a wall the way they do in India. They have stencils that are passed down from generation to generation, and they paint them instead of wallpapering.  When I get my place, I'm definitely doing this.

I'm going to get back into crocheting. I haven't told G this but, I want to make him an afghan for Christmas. His three favorite colors are red, blue and black, so I'm thinking of going with some deeper winter colors and a really dark grey only because it shows up better. He's also "cold blooded" and loves the heat so, I think it would be appropriate. I need to find a nice, masculine design though, so I'll be checking Ravelry. I think I'll start off small and make him a beanie. I've made them for the kids and they turn out really nice.

I've wanted to learn how to make a skirt. We found this really awesome and inexpensive fabric store in the next town over. It's one of those that always has something different in it because they buy remnants and discontinued fabric. They had a whole section on sheer fabric that I would love to make a top out of. I just wish I knew how to do all of that. I used to know how to sew but it's been so long. Hmm maybe I should start looking for patterns while I'm out, or learn how to make my own with some of the simple blouses I have. They also had lace panels that were really nice. A dollar a yard!

Ever since I started working on being more positive, I've been wanting to be creative. I pulled out my old craft box and sorted through it but didn't know where to start. I think I'll start on that beanie as soon as I get the yarn money and until then, play with what I have.

I need to add to my fortune cookie book too. I have the fortunes from when G and I went to eat and I wanted to add them in there. I made this book a long time ago and just keep adding fortunes into it. The quarter is on there to show size. I had this photo posted on an art site I had submitted it to. It's a small, hand bound book that I had put together and then covered in some fabric that my grandmother had left over from one of her projects. It makes me think of her and all of the sewing she used to do.

Who Knows

Well, I have a lot to catch up on. My net was down for a week!

Gar took me away for my birthday, for two days. It was so great! We did the touristy stuff when he was in town. I had a lot of fun and it was really nice.

The first night, I was so nervous. I woke up in the middle of a panic attack, and woke him up. I told him what was going on, and he scooted over, told me to sit with him and he held and rubbed my hands. After a bit he fell back asleep and I just held his hand and meditated. It helped a lot. The next morning, he didn't remember any of it. It's okay though. I took a picture of him holding onto my hands :) I know, that sounds weird. I kept thinking, I might never have that again and I wanted to capture the moment I guess.

The next day, we went to Denny's for my free birthday Grand Slam. Yum! The placemat had a word search on it and we raced to see who would get all of the words first. He won. I wanted to show him some of my town, so we did a lot of local things. I showed him one of the view spots. I was still very nervous and, just, anxious about a lot of things. I kept wanting to hold his hand or touch his face but, I held back. I guess I was afraid he would tell me to back off. I keep a lot to myself because I'm afraid of the rejection.

We went to a Chinese buffet for dinner. I've been telling him about it and, I wish we hadn't went there. Sometimes, it's really good. Sometimes... like that night.... it's just... not. The sushi and hot & sour soup were the best but, over all, we should have went to Hometown Buffet. Bad choice there.

I had the best birthday ever because he was here. I got exactly what I wanted. We didn't have to go anywhere or do anything. Just spending time with him, hearing him laugh, being whatever it is we are now, it was exactly what I wanted. Happy Birthday to me. :)

I'm still confused as to how things are between us. He told me that when I have my life together, if he's single, I still had a chance with him. I'm not even going to think about that at this moment in my life. I know he loves me. I miss him constantly, and I want him in my life. I have a lot to work on though.. That's going to have to come first. And if we don't get back together? I'm still going to do me, work on myself do what I need to do. For all I know, I'll come out of this and not want to be with anyone. I might be so happy that, I won't have time for a relationship. I'll be too busy doing whatever it is I'm doing and leading a full, productive, super awesome life!

Who knows.
 =================================

I've been working on things, catching up with people, and, I'll write some details tomorrow. I've been sleeping earlier lately. I actually fell asleep earlier but my phone woke me up. Turning the ringtone off now!

Good night!

Ahhhhhh *excited*

The next few days are going to be busy. We have two kids graduating and one who is just very perky and super active. The 12th is the last day of school. Luckily, I get to take a break from it all and spend it with G, if things go as planned. I'm excited, nervous, scared, but in a good way. I've been missing him.
==========================

We're switching from cable to satellite in a few days. In between we'll have 2 or so days without TV or internet. I'm going to lose my mind! Well not really. I'll have movies to catch up on, Minecraft. I can start learning how to do tatting. Yes, tatting. Not tattooing. This is old fashioned, lace crocheting type stuff. My grandmother did it. Most of the women in our family know how to do it. Now it's my turn. I hope I don't mess it up. I'd love to be able to make lace for my tops and other things.

Weekend Stuff

G told me last night that he's probably not coming up for my birthday. As sad as it makes me that he doesn't want to be here, it's kind of comforting that it was still on the table. I wish he would come. I miss him. I want to see him.

I know I'm not at my best. He met me when I was at the lowest point of my life. If we were to get back together, I don't think anything would have changed. I'd try to be there for him more. Lesson's have been learned. I'd make more time for the relationship. But until I'm out of this house and living my own life, things would still pretty much be the same. I think we'd just break up again. I really wish he'd show up, but that's me being selfish. I want him here.

=============================

I've been putting my foot down more with the kids lately and they're not happy. The arguing and talking back is really starting to wear on me. I know it's necessary and worth it though. I can't expect the kids to change some bad habits without a fight. The same goes for my mother. It's like I'm her mother sometimes. I tell her that certain things need to be done and that she needs to back me up on it. She sulks and has her own mini tantrum. That's too bad, sorry. Things need doing. Kids need boundaries. I'm tired of being the bad guy but, if it needs to be done, I have to do it. In the end, I think things will be a little less stressful.

============================

I really wish he'd change his mind...

I Need a Cleaning House Playlist

Sometimes, because we get really busy around here, the house starts to fall apart. I don't like it. I get easily overwhelmed when I look at all the things that need doing. I also get overwhelmed because sometimes I feel like I'm the only one doing them, and honestly, I usually am. Going along with the "no news the first hour after waking up" idea, I've decided that the room I sleep in needs to be a lot cleaner. I don't want to wake up and have the first thing I see be clothes on the floor, or something someone dropped and didn't bother to pick up. I want to wake up and ease into the day. I want to be able to do my new routines without thinking in the back of my mind about all of the other things that need doing. To me, a clean, clutter-free room means some peace of mind.

My plan for today was to get some fun stuff done on a few games that I play. It's Saturday. I'd like to have some fun before a hectic Sunday. I had also planned to clean the living room, half of the kitchen and all of the downstairs bathroom. I was ready to get started when people started asking if they could get rides around town. One kid had a weekend homework assignment that could be done at home. One kid wanted a ride to buy something he wants that can wait until tomorrow. My mother wanted a ride to the store. All important things. But, today, I really wanted to get this done. So I sighed, and told them, "This is my plan for the day. It needs doing and we can't keep putting it off. I'm sick of waking up to a mess so I'm cleaning. I've devoted my day to it. If you help me, we can get it done faster. If you don't, it's still getting done, all by me. It will take longer but this is the plan."

They're all angry at me for not jumping in the car and giving them rides. They're also angry at me for asking them to do work. Even my mother who said, "We'll help you. Come on kids! Let's all do something!" has done nothing. She's sitting outside on the lounge chair with the dog.

Right now, is my ten minute break between cleaning blitzes. I'm not just cleaning, I'm decluttering, and tossing things. I've even cleaned under the chair cushions! Well, breaks done! :D

No News is Good News

I need a new morning, wake up routine. In one of the programs I'm doing, it's said that the first hour after you wake up in the morning, you're in the alpha state. It's a brain wave state that is the most influential. You can think life changing thoughts and they will become part of your subconscious. Your subconscious well, subconsciously affects a lot of things like, gut decisions and, choices you make throughout the day. It also affects your self esteem, and what you create in your life in the long run.

One of the assignments on my check list is, don't watch the news, or take in negative things for the first hour after you wake up. Sometimes it can't be helped. But on those days when you're in full control of how you wake up, you have to learn to change things up. For instance, when I wake up, I'll wash my face, brush my teeth, and then sit in front of the computer checking email and Facebook. Right off, I'm bombarded by negativity. So, new morning routine coming up. I'm not sure how I'll change it up but I'm willing to try this for awhile and see how it makes me feel throughout the day.

Another thing I'm going to be working on now that I'm doing the Flylady thing again is, cleaning house in the early evening. Waking up to any type of clutter, and mess stresses me out lately. I wake up fine, and then I sit up, open my eyes and just feel tired again thinking about what needs straightening up. Or I sit there mad at the kids for getting clothes and papers everywhere and not cleaning up after themselves. I think they need a new morning routine too!

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I still miss G. I text him now and then but, I don't want to be pushy or clingy. I don't want to chase him away. I had a dream about him the other night. We were the way we are now. Around each other but not communicating or talking. Just, there. I was missing him, and he knew it. As angry as he was and distant, I think he missed me too. In the dream, he gave me a piece of paper, a note. On it he had written down something helpful and encouraging. It was a way to make things right. Within seconds of waking up, I had forgotten what it said :( It was two sentences, and it was actually something simple, that I knew because of what I know about him. I really need to keep a notebook next to my bed.

Flylady pt 3

I keep talking about how I miss the person I used to be. I used to have a lot more fun. I used to be stronger, braver, spontaneous, POSITIVE. No matter how bad things could be, or how much "life" happens, I was always able to pull myself out of it. When things went bad in other people's lives, they came to me to help them out of it. I was the go-to person. Somewhere during my venture, I became the where-do-I-go person. I felt so lost, and I didn't know what to do anymore. I don't like it.

I've been reading old journals, talking to old friends, and discussing this with people who love me. I'm looking for any insight into who I was, why I was so happy, and if I could be that way again. I used to be a self-motivator. G would get so irritated when I'd say "used to be", because then is not now. I used to get so frustrated with him but he's right. Who I am now is who I am, until I can evolve into who I'm going to be. Well, I've been working on it. (That phrase irritated him too.)

I've decided to focus on three programs that I used to do back when I was at my best. Raising my special-needs son was hard, and I'd use my research skills to find structure and guidance that worked for me. It would keep me less frazzled and stressed so I could focus on other things. The programs didn't make me happy. They were work. But, knowing I had some control in my chaotic life helped a lot and allowed me to save my energy for the other immediate things.

The first one I'm going to focus on is the Flylady system. I've written about this before, and I always get good results with this. It's a cleaning schedule/system that isn't just about cleaning. It's about doing things around the home, that make home a pleasant place to be. You declutter, clean and organize your home and other things, while learning to love yourself more in the process. You do this to keep your stress level down. You do this to show love to your family. You do this because sometimes, life gets in the way and you don't have it in yourself to organize a plan for keeping your home, well, a home. Instead it's just the place where you live that you have to constantly work on, and it becomes a negative.

I'm staggering the programs so that I'm starting one a week for the next three weeks. I thought that way I wouldn't overwhelm myself, and by the time I start the next one, the first one will be easier. Here's to week 1!

Busy Busy

The beginning of the month is always busy. I run a lot of errands. Bills get paid. I take my son grocery shopping. I like to get as much as I can done at once. It saves on gas, time, and my sanity.

Last night, I was talking to someone who had meditative music on while he was studying his Bible. He had so many notebooks around him. He reads, takes notes and meditates on what it means in his life and to him. Why it's all relevant. I used to do that when I was a kid and I was going to regular religious meetings. I always took notes. I'd write the talk subject, who gave it, date, and take notes and write down scriptures. Throughout the week, I'd go over it and do a bit of research.

To me, the Bible was so many different things. A moral compass, a story book. It had important lessons, proverbs, letters to people that were important for the time they were in. Even if it didn't have anything to do with my life, I found it interesting. There were a lot of questionable things in there but I took the good with the not so good.

Hmm, what else has been going on... Oh, I've been playing some Minecraft. I have 3 friends who have servers, and I jump on all of them depending on if anyone's on or not. One friend is all about building machines. He loves redstone and is always showing me his latest inventions. I had a farm going and he automated it. He just built me a shooting gallery! There are zombie/skeleton spawners at the top, and water bringing them down. They get to a certain point and there's a lava drop down, so they can't hurt me much. My job is to... save them from lava hell! It's great! The skeleton spawner is thrown in to turn it up a level. I'm having fun with it.

My other friend has a nice server that most of her friends get to jump on. I've met some cool people and they all help each other in game. One girl has this really cool, tiered house. Each level is something different. There's a flower garden, tree farm, a nice portal room... I love seeing what people have built in Minecraft.

I'm going to bed later than I planned to. I'm usually in bed by 11:30 at the latest. The last two nights I've been going to bed later but, I've been really anxious. I still wake up early though so I know it will fix itself. So, going to put my dog in her spot, and sleep. zzzzzZZZZzzz

P.S. Still miss him.

Long Night

G and I talked last night. He has no faith in me. That's okay. He hasn't seen me at my best. I know what I'm capable of. I have faith in myself. Sometimes, it takes being stripped down to nothing to find it inside yourself to be powerful. I look at what my life has become in the last 3 years and, this is rock bottom for me. My anxiety. My avoidance issues. My trying to avoid anxiety...

I know what I have to do.