All You Need is Love, And a Sketch Pad

I'm probably in no position to tell someone else to be creative when I haven't opened my new sketchbook and pencils. The difference is, I'm not good at drawing. I'd sit and doodle and worry that I wasted a page in the book. I like the creative process. I like coming up with ideas.

Maybe I should use the book for just a general idea journal type thing. I mean plan out other kinds of projects. I could write out the crochet patterns I make up. I could start planning out some new jewelry designs. Hmm, I'll have to keep thinking about that some more.

On a different note, it's Tuesday. I usually get WoW weeklys done on Tuesdays on my mains. I'll see. Last week I forgot, and it wasn't the end of the world :)

Note: Remind E that he needs Tim Tams and a sketch pad.

A Social Experiment

Many years ago, a friend and I were reading Craigslist ads and making fun of how shallow everyone sounded. Everyone in the lists were HOT. So, we decided to write realistic ads and see what would happen. We weren't looking for anything. We were both with people, and we let them know what we were doing. We considered it a social experiment.

I was cleaning out old email and came across my ad. This is what it said:

Title: (women seeking men) Are you an insomniac too? 
While most guys are looking for that beautiful woman to change their lives, I'm looking for the man who is looking for the cute, chubby chick with a broken tooth. 

What I'm looking for is a man who can make me laugh. A man who is a cross between Radar and Hawkeye (and who knows who they are); has read a few good books; can do something like change his own oil and isn't afraid to get his hands dirty; doesn't care that I'm frumpy or broke and would be cool doing something around town. 

Hidden talent: I can do this weird eye wiggling thing.

I got responses. One said, "You never said what you looked like." which was part of the point. The other response was this:

I'm sorry but men flag ads that are unattractive to them and lack personal descriptions. If you were a guy, your ad might fly in the M4W area because it's culturally "normal" for women want to bring home a homeless mutt to bathe and fix him up and love him and kiss him and squeeze him and sigh etc. Not so for men. You might want to add in: age race height weight hair eyes style

It was the oddest thing to me. My listing was flagged because I didn't describe how I looked. My friend's was too. We were honest, described what we were looking for, and wanted to see if anyone who read it would be intrigued enough to respond. I got a few actual responses. One guy is now a good friend of mine. I see him all over town and catch up. He's a smart guy, and not shallow at all. He just likes to know about people and meet people who are interesting to talk to.

And I resent that some guy thinks that women wouldn't mind bringing home a "homeless mutt" to change and love up. Who does that?!

And now, I must sleep.

zzzzzz

I meant to write some yesterday but I was busy. It was a good busy :) A little positive preoccupation never hurt anyone.

Going back to bed. I have some dreaming to catch up on.

Note!

Note to self: I need to write sometime, about when I ran away from home. It's such a long story though. Hmm...

The New Puppy

Meet Cali :)

No Title

Your hand on my knee, you say, "Good bye".
I watch as you turn and walk away.
No kiss. Just a simple hug.
My heart goes with you.

We could have been amazing.

But That Shouldn't Stop You

I'm really bad at putting my heart on the line and telling people how I feel, except for those I already have. Maybe this is just going to be how it is.

Life is Short

Have you ever felt connected to someone, or wanted someone that you probably shouldn't? You know logically that you shouldn't but you want to throw caution to the wind and just, make each other happy, even if for a little while.

I have a friend who feels this way, and I tell her, "life is short". If you connect with someone, and you've discussed all of the different ways this could go, why not? Just promise each other that you won't keep secrets, and that you won't keep things from each other. Be honest, always talk and discuss and touch base. Don't leave room for doubt, or unanswered questions. Tell each other how you feel.

You could be missing out on something amazing, even if it's just for a moment.

Our Song

Listening to a song that I shouldn't understand.
She sings about love, wanting, the heart... el corazon.
I think about you.
If you heard this, would you understand?
Would you feel it too? Would you know that this was our song?
I'd love to sing it to you but I don't know the words.
I can only look into your eyes, and play it with my heart.

I'm the One Left Over In This Room

This song came on while I was out. One of a few that I needed to hear over and over. I decided to look it up. Google translator got the gist of it.

Jesse & Joy - La De La Mala Suerte
I no longer love you and bury this pain 
 I want my heart forget you  
Do not be like you, I want to be strong 
I have asked only to change your sincerity  
I want love at last answer  
Why am I always the bad luck?
  Come, caress me and you leave with the sun 
 It hurts me just be your fun, not  
Say you love me, there is no one like me 
I am the owner of your heart  
But someone else is in your room

No, it's okay if love is not perfect
As long as it is honest
And no, and to ask forgiveness, it is not correct
I can not share what I was not given
I am not the owner of your heart
I'm the one left over in this room, no 

 

Sleepy Babble #56

When I'm sleepy, I tend to say things and have them come off as asshole'ish. It's definitely not intended. Things just come out wrong. Then, when I try to fix it, it comes off sounding like I'm back tracking, which I'm not.

I really need to fix my sleep again.

Random Junk

Sometimes, I think I'm way too passive. I'm assertive when it comes to my kids. I'm assertive when it comes to making a point. I have my areas where I take a strong stand on things. When it comes to men, I've always been kind of passive. I think I've been hurt so much that I see it as, if he wants to be with me, he will. Or, if he doesn't want to be with me, he can walk away. MFP told me once that a man sometimes wants to be fought for. He needs proof and actions.

There's always going to be something like, the alpha female type that always gets what she wants. I don't think that's ever going to be me. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm meant for the guy who would make the first move. Maybe I'm meant to be happy with what I need so I can appreciate what I want when I get it. 

Okay, done with that random babbling. I need to start dinner.

Since I Know You're Going to Ask...

Guys on Palace, or well, any chat situation always ask the same questions. I figured I'd go ahead and answer them and just link them to save them some time. Oh and btw, you're NOT going to get into my virtual pants. Sorry. I only do relationships. I just thought I'd give you something to read and give you a chance to ask a question that isn't already here. I'll be adding to this as I go along.

Q: Where are you from?
A: I'm from California. I live off of the coast. The weather is perfect and I love it here.

Q: What are you reading?
A: Currently a book called I Am the Messenger by Zusac. He wrote The Book Thief. You should check this one out. It's really good.

Q: Do you really like books?
A: Yes, I do. Sometimes, I prefer books over people once in awhile too.

Q: What are you wearing?
A: Currently, a purple tshirt and sweat pants. I would love to be able to say, "a tiny halter top and panties" but I live with people. I also don't have my own room so, no chance of Palacing naked, sorry.

Q: What's your favorite sexual position?
A: I've always liked it from behind :x If there's some light spanks and some hair pulling, that helps a lot too. I like being on top, and I like being on bottom. I haven't read the Kama Sutra or the Joy of Sex. I'm also not as flexible as I used to be, and I tend to get a leg cramp if I... okay veering off to TMI territory. Next question?

Q: Will you read to me?
A: That's a tough one. Do I already have you on Skype? Do you want me to read something I actually would want to read? Will you stay interested throughout the book? I started reading Stardust to someone and never got past the 3rd chapter :( Also, I tend to have a nervous cough so, you have to decide if you can put up with that.

Q: Any chance you're a Domme?
A: No chance at all! Sure, a little role playing is fun but, I'm so not the Domme type.

Standing in the Shadow

I had someone in my life that I care about a lot. He's been a good friend for a very long time. I lost him yesterday. He's going through a lot, and, he's not doing very well. I'm worried about him but there's nothing I can do for him. Even if I could, he wouldn't let me. He's bi-polar and borderline schizophrenic. He thinks I'm out to hurt him. All I can do is let him go. I don't pray very often but tonight, I prayed for him.

He came on Palace earlier and, didn't say anything to me. No 'hello'. It was like I wasn't there and, it hurt. I know he's going through something really difficult. Something I can't help him with. It's just hard when you mean so much to someone, and then suddenly, you're one of the perceived enemy.

I will miss his friendship. He is one of the sweetest, kindest people I know. He was always in my corner....

Faith

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

You don't have to read the Bible to know that that's the true definition of faith. Faith in people, events, things. Believing in something without proof that it's going to happen. Faith is confidence in what we HOPE for. I will always have hope, and I will always have faith, in everything.

I think that's where I get hurt a lot. I know in my gut that things are a certain way only, the people involved, or the situation sort of falls short of fulfillment. Then I get disappointed. I don't mind though. I know things happen the way they're supposed to. That's faith too.

Short One

Sammy wanted me to play Heroes of the Storm with her last night. I've never tried it so I did the first tutorial. It looks like fun. I'm not sure when I'll have the time to play it. I still need to get my lfr's done on my ally monk before tomorrow.

Fudgy is back in the game. He wants to revamp the guild and make it active again. I told him 'good luck'. If he can do it, I'll back him up but, we've tried before. It's not the same without Christine.

Today is a slow day but I'm content. I'm making some food, hanging out with the kids. Think I'll eat outside today and be part of the outside world while I can :P

Trust Me I Won't Leave You Empty Hearted

Robots Get The Girls - Last One Standing

I can't find the proper video through the Blogger search so this will have to do. This one just features Jessica from Girl Generation so it's not a big deal. I like this song :)

Facey's going to be out all Sunday. I'm really glad he gets to do something fun now and then :) He's going to his brother's birthday party.  I hope he has an awesome time. I'll be missing him.

Going to bed half an hour later than I wanted to but, it's fine. I'm not going to stress on it.

*yawns*

I had a great birthday. I went to my favorite Chinese buffet and had crab, shrimp, sushi, and my favorite hot and sour soup. My mom gave me $20. I bought some things to spoil myself like new nail polish, hair dye, some new makeup. I still have a few purchases I want to make this weekend too.

My youngest niece made me a "cake that's not a cake". It was an ice cream sandwich that was topped with whipped cream and decorated. I thought it was a cute idea, and no mess to clean up :D

I got to spend time with Facey when I got home, which is always the best. I feel like I've known him forever, and it's only been a week and a half. I'm glad I have him in my life. He gives great advice. He is easily my bestie :D

I got on Palace and spent time with Lance when I could. I hung out with Izz, Twizz, DV and Bren some too. I got on WoW and got my garrison "chores" done.

My dad texted me. I hadn't heard from him in so long. That was nice.

I had a great day. I missed G some like I knew I would but it wasn't bad. It was just, reminiscing. I hope he's doing well.

Facey's asleep, and I told him I'd get some sleep too. It's nice having people in your life who love and care about you.

This...!

This was my birthday fortune.... Gee haha

44! Woo!

Today, I turn 44. I'm hoping for good things. So far, this whole year has been really interesting. I've learned a lot. I've done a lot of things differently. The next 6 months.... I can't wait to see what happens next :D

Rollin With the Homies

Hanging with DV, Sunshadow, Izz and Twizz :D

Today's been a quiet day, which is fine. I've been really anxious and I'm not sure why. My adrenaline is just going. My stomach has butterflies, and I keep jumping at noises. I think I'm going to meditate tonight. I need to relax before it gets worse. My body is hot. My heart is starting to race. I feel like I can't breathe, calm myself down or think straight. I hate having panic attacks. Maybe I should take a Xanax? Trying not to.

Cause You're a Dream To Me

The Cranberries - Dreams
I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.
You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It's never quite as it seems,
'Cause you're a dream to me,
Dream to me.

*smiles*

My birthday is coming up and I can't stop thinking about last year. I still miss G being in my life, the best friend. It used to make me feel bad to feel this way but, I know now that it's okay to miss the good times we had. I take from it, "I deserve to be pampered on my birthday", and I'll just have to pamper myself :)

I'm going to be 44. I think it's going to be a great year.

Another LessonS Learned

I've learned a lot in the last four months. I've learned that no matter how much you love someone and want them in your life, you can't give up everything you are to be with them. You lose yourself, and you will no longer be the person they fell in love with, so you've already lost.

I've learned that, you can love someone with everything you have, and they can love you too, but, no matter how strong you think your relationship is, it's not. It's fragile. Little things will chip at it until one day, he's given up and you feel you have nothing left to fight for. Those little things that you think don't count, they do, more than you know.

I've learned that you shouldn't become dependent on anyone, even if they love you. One day they might not be there, and you'll feel like you're falling and flailing with no one to catch you. Catch yourself, pick yourself up and from there, you'll be okay. It just takes time.

I've learned that even when you think that you know someone, because you've known them for 10'ish years, it doesn't mean that they're the person you think they are. They might turn out to be someone who would lie to you, cheat on you, keep things from you. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't have faith in people. It just means, don't lean so much on someone so that if they moved, you would fall.

I've learned that, just because someone starts to forget you, tells you to get out of their life, shuts you out of their life, doesn't mean that you didn't mean anything to them. It just means that maybe it's too painful to let you go and they need to do what they have to to take care of themselves.

I've learned that just because something that was really great at the time, is over, it doesn't mean that you won't have anything really great again. It will just be with someone different, and possibly, someone even better :)

Good Night

I didn't really play much WoW this week. I needed to not do much and just get my head straight. I think it's straight now :D I'm ready to get back to work on the things I'm working on. So full steam ahead! After I get some sleep...

Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs

There's a guy on Palace that used to torment me. I'll just call him 1/2 :x He would drive me nuts and be such a pain in the ass. The thing is, when you've been online, and you're around the same people for so many years, they become a part of your life in a way. Today, he asked me to come to a Palace I haven't been to, and, it's the one my ex calls home. I told 1/2, thanks for the invite but, I won't go there. It would make me too uncomfortable and, I really don't want to see him with his girlfriend.
1/2 got protective of me, and told my ex that if I go there, and he speaks to me, he's going to kill him. Killing being like a timed ban. No actual violence involved! It was a sweet gesture but I really wish he hadn't said that. For one, it's my ex's online home. I want him to have some place he can feel safe in. And second, I don't want him to think I had anything to do with that.

I don't want him hurt, or thinking I wish anything negative against him. I'm furious with him. He told people I was cheating on him with SKK. I don't cheat. Anyone who knows me knows this. I still don't want him hurt or upset.

Well, like tossed salad and scrambled eggs, there are some things you just can't undo. I'll try not to worry about this.

I'm going to get in bed. When I wake up, it will be another day.

Sometimes, I don't want to think or feel anymore. I don't mean that in a crazy, "I want to die" sense. I feel like I'm on a horrid rollercoaster, and I just want the ride to stop.

Hold This For Me

SKK sent me a link on my cell and I just wanted a quick place to put it for when I got in front of the laptop.

http://ghost-official.com/

Sleepy Babbling, Yet Again

Duck's girlfriend showed up at a Palace I was in earlier. I won't lie. It bothered me that she was there and that she spoke of him, but at the same time, it didn't. She used his new name. I don't know him by his new name. To me, that person doesn't exist. I had my Duck. My Oldskool. He was mine. This new person, he's not my Duck. Duck's gone. It was nice knowing him. I've known him for years and loved him, but, he's gone. I have no idea who Ente is, and I don't want to know him.

Random Sleepy Stuff

This is Facey, on WoW. Don't ask me why he's naked in my garrison. I think he was stripping for the squirrel who kept watching us talk.

I Have Me

I've been so busy lately. It's kind of hmm weird. I still use Palace because, well, I'm not about to let Duck and his new whatever chase me off. I get on, and everyone starts whispering me. Any palace I go to it happens. People are concerned about me. People are gossiping to me about what a skank/tramp/liar/slut his new girlfriend is. (I have to say that doesn't make me feel better at all.) People whisper at me to give me hugs, tell me they're there for me. I don't know what to do with that. People I don't even know are doing this!

Today, I met someone that I think is really cool. I don't know her well but, she's going through a break up too. I know the back story on it but, it's not my place to tell anyone what's going on, or her business. I saw she was upset and I asked her how she was holding up. We got into whispers and I let her vent and talk. I let her know what I know too... that it's going to get better. That things will be okay. That we're strong women. Suddenly she asks me why I'm being nice to her. I didn't expect that.

All day I've been wondering why people were cheering me on and whispering me condolences, and I was doing the same thing. I told her, honestly, it's because I've been there. I am there. I told her about the situation with Duck and, the previous situation with G. Everyone who has put their heart on the line, has been there. And they've all survived :D It always gets better.

...And then, I remember, I don't have to hurt anymore. I have Facey. I have someone in my life who is the best thing I can remember for a long time. I have people in my life who keep me from feeling lonely. I have the kids to keep me busy. I have outlets of expression. I have me.

I have been up way too long and I'm struggling to put sentences together. So, I'm going to sleep. Good night, Universe.

zzz

I'm reverting my Duck entry to draft. He's not worth the blog space. I learned so much tonight about him. I've known him for over 10 years, have seen him through 4 relationships and I've never known the side of him I saw today. So not worth it.

I'm sleepy earlier than usual and that's good. I didn't sleep well last night. I'm going to queue up some meditative music and relax while I talk to Riv and a few people. She's been great. I just wish I could fix things with Heather. Earlier, when I was hurt, I sent her a message that she didn't deserve. I know it was because I thought she did something I didn't deserve but, it wasn't her fault. She's sort of in a weird spot. I understand her taking Duck's side. She's known him longer and though she's getting to know me, she doesn't know me well enough to know I'm not the kind of person that Duck is saying I am. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow.

I should have never went back to Palace. I forgot how much drama it is.

Lessons Learned

Today, hmm not a lot happened today. I found out that Duck is already with someone else, and she came to find me to rub it in my face, then told him it was an accident.... So, I told him what I thought of the both of them and asked him to delete me off of Skype, etc. I am so much better than that. That man is not worth any tears or heartache I felt. But, I own those feelings, because they were part of the lessons learned.

Last night, someone I'm so glad I have in my life, told me this:
"You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You mean something. Remember you can't regret what taught you something. And they taught you they weren't worth it. So now you need to find people who are. You are stronger than you think you are."

That's Facey. He's a sweetheart. I'm glad I met him and I'm glad I have him in my corner. And, he's right. You can't regret what taught you something. Lesson learned. LessonS learned, rather. 

I don't understand...

I screwed up the best thing I had going in my life. Again. I thought this one would be easy, simple. We loved each other. We were 100% open with each other. We never disrespected each other. We never lied to each other. We never cheated on each other. We worked on things, talked about things. Even when I was busy with other things, I texted, messaged, and told him all day that I loved him. I couldn't sit in chat rooms all day. I started gaming again, but I talked to him all day. It wasn't enough for him.

I found out earlier that he has been saying negative things about me. He has people thinking I've done something bad. I don't know what. I told him everything I did. Where I was going, who with. I texted all day.

I watched some movies with SKK on Palace, and I told Duck about it. Let him know where I would be, that the room doors were open, and that he could go there if he liked. I never sat near SKK. We watched Japanese car movies. Nothing romantic. Nothing date'ish. Racing movies. SKK doesn't know anyone on Palace anymore and he's one of my closest friends. He may be an ex but there's a reason he's an ex. He cheated on me, and lied to me about it. He got engaged while he was involved with me and lied about it. And this is the man that Duck was jealous of.

If someone like that is the reason that Duck hates me.... I don't understand this. The one person I expected to never hurt me... I was finally healing  from what happened with G. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to feel this way again, ever. I can't let anyone in again.

I need this feeling to stop.

Random

Tonight, I met someone who is a paranormal investigator. Of course I had a bunch of questions but I didn't get to talk to him too long. I had errands to run and such tonight. I've always liked meeting people, learning about them and what they do. It's great, especially if they're passionate about it.

My skin has been really dry because of the weather. I went shopping around for lotion and ended up buying one from CVS that's for extra dry skin. It works great! The only problem.... it smells sooooo strong. It smells like I rubbed myself up and down with a bar of super strong smelling soap :( I wish I could somehow neutralize the smell.

I'm eating a triple chocolate chip cookie because, well I can.

So Done With Today

It's been a great day, and a not so great day. In the end, you find out who your friends are when you need them. Steering the entry another direction....

I tried a new place for dinner, a noodle house. I have never been presented with such a huge bowl of noodles in my life. I took most of it home. I wish I had taken a pic. It was a pretty epic bowl of noodles O_O

I ran into Michaels earlier and bought a large sketch book and a pack of colored pencils. I'm not sure what to do with them. I really can't draw to save my life. Maybe I'll just fill the whole thing with doodles. I told the youngest that she can have a page to draw on. After my bad morning, I wanted to buy myself something.

I think I'll get on WoW for a bit and then go to bed. I'm ready for this day to be over.