Can't sleep, though I'm too tired to read a book. SKK and I are speaking again, as friends. I'll elaborate on that tomorrow. I miss My Favorite Planet so much!

Still Tangled

SKK wants to be my friend. I told him I would but if it became painful, I'd have to take some time for myself. My gut tells me that I need to protect myself. My gut tells me that I need to work on this anxiety and get my life together before I can think about relationships. My gut tells me that I needed the distance to know what it is I really want.
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I've decided to volunteer at the library until I find a job. I think it would be fun. I met a lady today who works there and she told me all about it. I'll check it out next week.

Maybe...

Maybe I need therapy. I just need to vent. I have so much rage'y crap in my head. I try to write it out but it doesn't really help. I need some space, quiet, and a place/way to vent. This is where I'm usually good, creative. I wish I had a big hunk of clay.

When I think about him, I ache. I miss him.

Blessed Day

Today was a really great day for the most part. My mom found $27 in the bank just in time. We were pretty much out of gas and food. After picking up niece #3, we stopped by the church. I really want to start going again but I wasn't sure when so I went to check out the times. There were 3 and I didn't recognize any of the congregation names. I was thinking about the 12:00 meeting anyway.

We had 2 hours before picking up niece and nephew #2 so we went thrift store shopping. We found the perfect TV for.... $5! I grabbed it and while in line, I saw a woman who used to live across the street from my grandmother. I spoke to her and it turns out that she goes to the church I was thinking of going to, and the 12:00 congregation too!

We had some time to catch up and talk about a few things. It was nice, and I'm no longer super nervous about checking out this congregation. We exchanged phone numbers and I'm going to call her next week.

We went to pick up the kids and checked the mail at our old place and found that my mom had 2 checks show up 2 days early. We bought dinner stuff and paid our cell bills and then came home. Minus a few issues we had, today was pretty awesome. Only one thing could make it better.

I'll finish my reading and fall asleep. I've been tired for awhile but wanted to get this down. Good night Blog!

Anxiety... As Always

A band I've recently gotten into are playing in Santa Barbara, opening for someone I've never heard of. The show isn't until December so I keep thinking, "If I could get a job quickly enough I could go to this!" I have two problems with this.

One, I only know three people in town I'd consider going with. I've lived here ten years and still don't have friends that I hang out with besides Jake. Now that he's a family man, I don't want to bother him.

Second problem, I'm still getting panic attacks frequently enough to worry that I'd get one and my night would be ruined. I know, I'm "what-if'ing" as always. I can't help it. It's a habit!

Guess it's a moot point if I don't even have a job yet. I'd really love to see this show though!
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My youngest niece is sleeping on the floor upstairs with me tonight. We both have our stacks of books, our tea, and we're nice and cozy. I really hope she outgrew kicking in her sleep. Going to relax now and hope MattH doesn't call tonight. I love talking to him, but we usually don't get off the phone til 3am and I need my sleep. Good night Blog!

At the Library

I miss my blog!!!!

I haven't been writing much but I will be soon. I just need to find that job and get the net turned back on at the new place.  Lots going on but no time to sit and write. I have to fix the car's windshield wipers and, go pick up a few kids. Fun day. I mainly came on to figure out my Skype info. I had Christine delete SKK from my contact list for me, since I couldn't get on. I asked her not to tell me if he's deleted me or not and, I kind of want to know but I don't think that's a good idea.

Time to get stuff done!

I'm Walking

I just got back from a 20 minute walk with the niece through the new neighborhood. I'll try to make it a regular thing. I need to get back in better shape. I need to lose 40 pounds. I want to bring my blood sugar down some more and lower my cholesterol. But most of all, I want to feel good about my health. I want to relieve stress so I don't have as many panic attacks. I want to be able to get a job and handle the anxiety so I can meet my goals. Then when my ex attempts to come back, and he will, I can throw in his face that I met OUR goals without him!

Anger has always been an amazing motivator for me. I'm going to use it as much as I can until it fizzles out. *RAWR*

That Time

This is the first day I've had to myself so... I watched my break up movies. For the longest time, everytime I've had a break up, I've watched two movies, An Affair to Remember, and, Singles. The first one makes me cry, and the second one makes me laugh. only thing is I think I'm immune to the first one :( I still need the ritual though, for closure.

I know I'll be fine.

Such a Coward

SKK walked away again. They say the 3rd time's the charm. There will not be a 4th time. I promise myself that. Time for a shower, tea & a good book. Good night!

How Could I Forget

I've had a lot to say and write, but no time to sit and do it. We still haven't finished moving and I'm starting to think that my family is so self-destructive and self-defeating that they actually enjoy living in this unsafe, dramatic, chaotic, disgusting environment. I was discussing this with Dingleberry and he was daring me to just move in on my own and have the place to myself until my family shows. I'm really tempted to do that! He doesn't think I will. He said I'd just be a big baby about it and chicken out. I know myself. Those are fighting words *smirks*. Hmm... dare I?