*closes eyes*

I'm sleepy. That's a great thing! I took a short nap earlier and was worried that it would effect my being able to sleep tonight.

Tomorrow, I have plans to head out to some thrift stores and see if I can find the books that I want to read. I have my list ready! I want to buy a few things. Envelopes, stamps.... Oh the kids need school supplies. I'll be buying all of that while my mom covers the clothes and backpacks. It should be fun. Busy day tomorrow!

I mentioned to End that he should go out to lunch tomorrow. Let's see if he does it. He never does anything I suggest :P

I want to play some WoW tomorrow. I'm so behind!

I'd write more but my brain is soooo sleepy. Good night Universe

Wake Up Call

I was so tired through most of yesterday. I guess my sleep habits are catching up with me. On a good note, I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 5:30am :D I know that's not a huge thing for most but I feel like I did something huge. I hope I can keep it up for awhile. I know.... I always say that. Still hoping though!

I think I'm going to talk to SKK less. He usually texts or calls on his way home for company on his rides. When I told him, "Sorry, going to bed early. Drive safely!"... he had a huge issue with it. He knows I've been struggling with my sleep. It felt like such a selfish way to act. He calls me his best friend. I woke up this morning and checked my cell. No apology or a "good night". Just, his disappointment that I didn't put off sleep, even if I was exhausted. It sucks.

I think I'm just tired of making sacrifices for people, and using so much energy on people who take and take and take without any regard for whatever it is that I need too. I need some space away from him for awhile. This isn't the first time he's done this.

I think I'll straighten up the downstairs some while I make coffee, and start a load of laundry.

ABC

Saw this on Brit's Facebook so I thought I'd fill it out really quickly.

My ABC's
A- Age: 44
B- Biggest Fear: I'm afraid of losing the people I love.
C- Current Time: 7:57
D- Drink you last had: water. Water is good for you!
E- Easiest Person To Talk to: Facey, then Izz
F- Favorite Movie: It's a toss up between Fiddler on the Roof or the Goonies
G- Grossest Memory: Ick. The dry heaves after a drunken night when I was 21
H- Hometown: Ventura, CA
I- I Love: Duh
J- Jealous Of: People who don't have anxiety issues. I'd love to be "normal" for awhile.
K- Killed Someone?: Only on WoW.
L- Longest Relationship: 10 years, from 17 to 27
M- Middle Initial: A
N- Number of Siblings: 2 wholes, and 4 halves.
O- One Wish: I want the impossible
P- Person who you last called: the youngest
Q- Question you're always asked: did you sleep?
R- Reason to smile: There are too many to list.
S- Song last sang: Cyndi Thomson - What I Really Meant to Say
T- Time you woke up: 1pm :x I'm working on it.
U- Underwear Color: Pink lace
V- Vacation Destination: I'd love to see South Korea but I'd be happy heading to Vegas.
W- Worst Habit: I tend to interrupt people when I'm overly excited about saying something.
X- Xrays you've had: Teeth, pinky, chest, ankle.
Y- Your favorite food: Korean food, then Indian food.
Z- Zodiac Sign: Gemini

Cyndi Thomson - What I Really Mean to Say
What I really meant to say
Is I'm dying here inside.
And I miss you more each day.
There's not a night I haven't cried.
And baby,here's the truth
I'm still in love with you. Yeah.
That's what I really meant to say.... 

What I really meant to say
Is I'm really not that strong.
No matter how I try
I'm still holding on.
And here's the honest truth,
I'm still in love with you.
That's what I really meant to say...

 

Some Things Should Not Be Policed

I've been thinking of ways to get out of the house, push some of my boundaries and do more. I remembered how much I loved volunteering at a local soup kitchen. It was run by the big Catholic church in town. (I'm not Catholic but anyone can volunteer.)

Once a week, they would serve a hot meal to anyone who came in. It mostly catered to the homeless and the elderly. The tables were set nicely. There was a cafeteria like kitchen, and dining hall that they "borrowed" from the Korean Methodist Church. The environment was really nice. Seating was random, and everyone wears name tags and addresses each other by name.

I got to meet a lot of really cool people. Living in a smaller, tight knit community, I run into people I've met there all the time while out doing things around town. My mom is elderly, and likes to eat there sometimes, and volunteers could eat too after closing. They have great meals, and a few times a month, some of the local restaurants would provide meals for them.

I was going to ask about volunteering but so many things have changed. Apparently the department of Health has sanctioned them for providing seconds for everyone to take home. You would get your food, stay for dessert, and then be able to get seconds that you could take with you for later. For some of the homeless, that was the second meal of the day. For the elderly, that provided some with a meal for the next day. They even had to hire a security guard to make sure no food was taken out.

I don't understand it. Why are there so many rules regarding food pantries, soup kitchens and just feeding the homeless that are on the streets. I could see if this was something that had the potential for harm, but it's not. Now, you have to eat there, and can't take anything home. And to some of the elderly, it's not worth the trip like it was before.

I was really saddened by what I saw tonight. The church running it doesn't like how things are either but, they're still going to keep providing that service for anyone who wants to come and get a meal, which is great. I just miss that friendly, warm environment that it had before.

They're not taking on any more volunteers. I'll be keeping my eyes open.

Wednesday

I never minded Wednesdays but I can't wait until Friday gets here.

I am feeling hopeful about today. I just have a feeling that it's going to be a better day than yesterday.

I've been in a call with Izz most of the night. I can't websurf so she was showing me sites with her webcam which was cool. Then Roo was playing music in S&L so Izz played the music so I could hear too. I've been half asleep all night so I was passively participating but she didn't mind.

End woke up and greeted me *big smile* That was always my favorite part of the morning. I'm holding back a lot. It's hard to shift from our old routine to how things are now but, I know it's what he wants, and I get it. Even though we don't hang out on Palace anymore, he's still means the most to me.

Earlier someone mentioned the ska band, The Specials. I haven't really listened to them in years. I missed some of these songs.

Quickie

I deleted one of my regular Palaces from my bookmarks. I needed to. I would get bombarded by the rumors and the gossip. All it does is hurt people. I think I hurt E. I know he has to be angry at me.
I closed Palace for the night. I think I'm going to take a nap before dinner.

I'm Ready for This to be Over

It has been a really long past few days. So much drama and so very little sleep. Stuff happened with E and, it's nothing I want to repeat here. I'll just say, this whole situation makes me very sad. I just hope that one day, we can get past all of this and be the good friends that we were before all of this started.

I've been in Skype all night with Facey, discussing everything. He's been a great listener, trying to cheer me up. I love that I have people like him in my life. He told me that I have a good heart, and that I choose to see the good in people.

A lot of women on Palace keep seeking me out to tell me horrible things about E. I finally had to hide at Flirt. Why should I be bombarded with all of this negativity? I think he needs to leave Palace. He asked me and I couldn't tell him to because I don't feel it's my place but, I really think he has to go. So many people are angry at him or hurt by him. I think, he needs to give everyone some space for awhile, let things cool down. In my gut, this would be the right thing for him to do. I know it's not easy though.

I already told everyone I was going to slowly wean myself from Palace, starting tomorrow.

Enough

I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am done. I have nothing left to give, to anyone right now.

I need for all of this to stop.

Writing and More Writing

I talked to SS last night about my needing some time before getting back into writing. He understood. We've decided to enter a writing contest with an October deadline, so hopefully I can participate. If I'm not feeling up to it, and he does most of the writing, he can take the credit for it. I think it's only fair. He shouldn't suffer any consequences due to my personal/relationship issues.

He seemed to be under the impression that the opportunity was open for more than just writing partners and, I let him know that my feelings haven't changed. He's great, and I adore him but, I know what I want.

I realized, I hadn't really eaten since I woke up yesterday. I had a handful of pretzels and a few spoonfuls of ice cream. When I have too much on my mind, I just forget to eat. I need to not do that. Especially if I'm telling other people not to do it.

==============================
Yesterday, I asked E to do something for me. I've been wanting him to start drawing again since I've met him. I know it used to make him happy. I guess I was hoping that if he were to start drawing again, he might feel a sense of relief or release. I think he's so used to the way he has been feeling that, he doesn't seem to want to try anything else. I know how that is. There's a part of you that fights it for whatever reason.

I know how to take care of myself so that I feel better. I know the things I need to do to lessen my anxiety, bring my blood sugar down further, feel better over all. I'm not doing them though. I don't know why. Fears maybe. Maybe I feel like nothing is going to work so I don't try. Fear of failure? Fear that everything my mom tells me about myself is true? Fear that it will work and I won't know how to handle it? Maybe he's feeling the same thing.

So, I'm going to take a leap of faith on my own. If you look up "100 Themes Challenge", you'll find a prompt list to use for artistic purposes such as writing, drawing, sculpting, collaging, anything you want to do creatively. You start from 1 and work your way down to 100. I'm going to take the challenge but choose 50 out of the 100. When I wake up later, I'll do 1 :) I've decided to be open about it. I might not even write. I might take a picture, or do some drawing myself. I'll see.

I'm going to get under my blankets and read until I doze off. Good day, Universe! :)

Let the New Week Begin

I spent the entire week distracting myself because I missed hanging with End so badly. Then he gets back and everything changes. I should have never tabbed but, I couldn't face that he was going to be gone...

We talked last night. We cleared some stuff up and, then we talked some more. I spent a whole month getting to know him, and he was going through so much I never knew about. He said some things that I knew were really hard to talk about, and I appreciate him telling me. I know what it must have meant for him to be able to do that.

I'm going to miss spending time with him. I like the way he treats people, how he talks to them and makes them feel welcome and comfortable. I liked discussing things with him. Music, books, movies. He knows what tribbles are :D

All of those other people on Palace that he was so insecure about, they had nothing on him. It's too bad I never got to make him understand that sooner.

I told him that his "messy life" wasn't a deal breaker and I meant it. I think I know the worst of it now, and I'm not going anywhere. I still think I need to leave Palace for a little while. If he needs me, he knows how to reach me. And if he wants to add me to Yahoo, well, all he has to do is add the longer version of my name. The same one I use for Skype. I think most know that. He's the only one I'm concerned about so, if he asks me to get on Palace and talk to him, I will. I don't think he'll ask though.

I was told tonight at his new home Palace not to bring any drama, which I would never do. Maybe it wasn't meant that way but I took it as they're expecting drama from me and I need to stay away :(

I feel so empty inside. It's probably from all of the crying I did earlier. I don't do well at all losing people.

I think I'm ready for sleep again. Good night Universe.

E...

I'm leaving palace. I'm sorry E. You're what I was waiting for and you were why I stayed. Without you, it's not the same. I know you don't want me leaving Palace over you but, that's how much you mean to me.

I'm quitting my writing projects indefinitely. My novellas, the song I was going to work on and my Palace blog. I can't focus on writing, and you were one of the reasons I got back into writing in the first place. Also, the two people I was writing with are part of why I lost you, and I can't deal with that right now. 

How could you think you were a footnote when it was all about you?

I should have taken more screen caps.

Don't go.

Gunga Din

I have had this song stuck in my head for days. I love the guitar in it. It reminds me of another song that I wish I could remember...

*sighs* (updated)

I'm kind of disappointed about something and I really don't know what to do about it. I should probably talk about it with the person who disappointed me but I think they're going through their own thing too right now. I don't know how to fix this.

I think I'm going to go DND on everything for a bit.

======================
My net is messed up. It's going to be like this until around the 31st of the month. This sucks and it's affecting Palace. Being in a room with people that you can't see when the background is pitch black is kind of disorienting. It's like being on the outside looking in. You know you're missing something.

Avatars aren't just something you wear. Well not for me anyway. I'm sure it's not like that for everyone. Some just put on whatever they find. The background sets the mood, the environment. I'm getting none of that. It's just me, in a dark room with a chat window.

It's not just that... I'm feeling kind of online "homeless" lately. I wish I didn't feel that way. I mean Flirt is my home, but no one goes there. All of the people I want to talk to are elsewhere and, even then, I don't feel like I should be there either. It's leaving me feeling kind of isolated and, lost. Or maybe it's just me going through one of my ungrounded phases. I'm not liking it.

On a good note, Endrin's back. He surprised me last night by getting home a day early, and of course I *hug tackled* him. I missed him so much. It's been a really long week.

Movie - The Doll Master

I asked Izz to link me a movie.... and she links me to a Korean horror movie called The Doll Master. I keep jumping! I think after this I need to watch a comedy, if this doesn't give me a heart attack. Gee!

Later....
It was actually pretty good. Five people are invited to meet an artist who creates dolls. Scary stuff happens. Now to just calm myself down!

Limitations

The neighbors let us use their wifi, and, it seems they didn't pay their bill before going on vacation for the week. I can get on Palace but not see avs. I can open Blogger's page, and watch Youtube. I can check email, view Pinterest, and that's pretty much it. So, there are a few things on my list for this week that I won't be able to do. That's too bad but, I'll just have to focus on the things I CAN do.

I have a bunch of DVDs I can watch so I'm going to find something and get back in bed. I hope Tuesday gets better!

Sunday's Stuff

I have finally started my Palace blog. So far I've only posted things from the old Firebird's Forest site. Today, I'm going to hook up my back-up drive and grab whatever screen caps and such I have on there and figure out how to organize it.

I don't think I'll get much writing done with SS this week. He's reformatting his computer. I'm still going to try to come up with secondary character ideas and go from there. We've given ourselves an October deadline so, let's see what we can do.

I was hoping I'd go to bed earlier and possibly fix my sleep but, I wasn't even tired. I laid there, and I yawned a bunch but no sleep

Monday.... I didn't even finish my LFR's. I guess I know what I'm going to be doing today.

Yay For Lists

E's going away for the week on a well deserved vacation, starting tomorrow. I've gotten so used to him being there when I wake up. Palace isn't going to be the same without him. I miss him already.

This coming week I have some things I want to do. I want to get this house spring cleaned again. I want to pull out my sketchbook and put ANYTHING in it. I want to fix my sleep again. I want to make some avs and start on an av room at Flirt. I'll talk to Riv about that the next time I see her. I want to watch a movie E recommended that I've been meaning to watch. Izz is going to help me get started on my Korean lessons again. Oh, I told Wray I'd write a song with him. That should be interesting. I have my writing I'm doing with SS. I'm going to catch up on WoW somewhat. Hmm there were a few other things. I'm sure I'll think about them when I wake up again.

This last week has felt very... off. I'm hoping that I can recharge, reground myself and figure some things out this next week.

E, I'm going to miss you. Have an awesome vacation!

Wheels are Turning

I think, I'm thinking too much. That's never a good thing. I tend to live in my head when I do that. Just think until my mind gets tired. I need distraction, and occupation. Something to focus on that isn't related to everything I'm thinking about.

Blah.

Don't Even Know

I had a dream about G right before I woke up. In this dream, I had written some poems that for some reason, were on display and sort of famous. I had done well and I was proud of the things I had been doing.

I was at home when he called. He congratulated me and said they were really good. He even printed them out so he could have them. That meant a lot to me because I still valued his opinion.

I asked him how he was and what he was up to, and he started telling me. I couldn't hear him because he's sometimes soft spoken, and the TV was up really loud. So I asked him again, he sighed and told me again but I missed words. I told him I still didn't really hear him and to let me turn the TV down. He got so frustrated and angry with me, telling me I can't do anything right. Telling me that this is why he can't have me in his life, because I make him crazy and I'm a waste of his time. Things he used to tell me. And I felt that anxiety all over again.

I'm not the same person I was when I was with him. I know that now. I wasn't in the dream either. I told him that he still hasn't learned that no one will be perfect. That no one can do exactly the right thing all of the time. I told him that I missed his friendship, and having him in my life. I told him that obviously we missed each other but we'll never get to be friends again if all of the little things keep getting in the way, and that it made me so sad that this is how we still were.

Time had gone by. He spoke softer, gentler. I spoke with more confidence and self-esteem. But at the core, we were still who we were. Petty things were still getting in the way. I think that's the reality of people who just can't be in each other's lives.

This dream wasn't about passion, romance or love. It's about missing a best friendship that was ruined by being together and bringing out the worst in each other. Maybe I'm always going to have random dreams like that because I do miss him and need a "visit" now and then.

I woke up thinking, it was nice to hear his voice.

Naked Toons! :(

My WoW account got hacked two days ago. I got a text from Fudgy, asking why I unfriended him on Bnet. He and I don't really get to talk these days so I'm surprised he had noticed. I found out that someone had taken three of my toons off of Destromath and put them on Tichondrius, along with all of my stuff. It took 24 hours to get everything rolled back and reverted. Then it took me half of the day to open all of those emails, return everything to where they belonged and feel somewhat "back to normal".
I can't tell who else I lost on my friend's list. The only people I talk to lately are Sammy, Facey, and Mason. I got the phone Authenticator, finally. That should help.

I didn't really eat today. It's 8pm and I think I'm past due for dinner. I'm going to make burritos with some leftovers. Hmmm wonder where my Tapatio went.

I'll Wrap Myself Around You

Someone once called me silly for wanting something like this. Someone like this. It's not silly at all.

The Good Lovlies - Best I Know
If I set the table, Would you cook for me?
If I take your pillow, Would you just laugh at me?

And if I stay up late, Would you keep me company?
And if I make you wait, Would you wait patiently?

If I sing you a love song, Would you write one for me?
You could play me the fiddle, While I fold our laundry.

If I stay in all day, Would you waste time with me?
And if I want to wander, Would you steal away with me?

When you're under the weather, I'll fix a plate for you.
When you're sad and worried, I'll wrap myself around you.

If we quit this place, Would you set up camp with me?
So when the day is through, I'll be there next to you.

You're the best I know, My one, my only.
You were made for me, My one, my only

I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your...

Nowhere in my list of things I want in a boyfriend, does it say you need a talent :P When I'm with someone, I'm interested in who they are. You don't have to know how to do anything. Just be who you are, and I'll be who I am. I'm not amazingly awesome. I'm just me. I don't think I really have anything to bring to the table but, if you find something in me that somehow enriches your life, then, I'm glad.

I simply want to be with someone with a good heart and a good mind, who I can love, and who will love me in return. I want someone I can connect with. Someone who, when I spend time with them, makes me laugh, think, smile...

I just know that I have exactly what I want right now. Life happens, so I'm going to enjoy whatever this is that we have, for however long it lasts.


Prince - Kiss

You don't have to be rich
To be my girl
You don't have to be cool
To rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your

Kiss

Around

I'm around. I just haven't been able to focus on writing here the past few days. I'm sure I'll be ready to go in a day or two :)

My writing partner and I are back at it. We had a great night of brain storming the other night and we came up with a really good novella series. I'm feeling good about this.

I wanted to start a Palace blog where I could upload all of my old screen shots and quotes but, I don't want it attached to this blog. 

Hmm, new WoW patch came out last week and I haven't been able to do anything about it. It's fine though. I was getting bored playing by myself anyway. It's too bad. I love that game.

I'm going to sleep now. Yeah, NOW. zzzzz

Quick Update

I had a great 4th of July. Most of the day was quiet and relaxing. I grilled hot dogs and polish sausages. My kids made smores with the neighborhood kids. I got to spend all day talking to my Sweetheart. Life is good :)

This song was a pleasant "mistake" from yesterday. I've been listening to it off and on.

Get Back Here!

I was so tired last night that I fell asleep at Midnight. I thought, finally, I can fix my sleep and be up early enough to spend time with my Sweetheart. His sleep is bad too, no matter how much he tells me he's fine.

I slept fine for two hours until I hear the new puppy whimpering. By the time I figured out what it was, and went to check on her, I was wide awake. I couldn't fall asleep. That was at TWO A.M.! I get up and talk to my guy for awhile and then, at 4:30am.... in wanders my two nieces....!

They were with the kids next door watching movies or something. They thought I would be asleep. Turns out that they snuck out at 2am, causing the puppy to wake up, start crying and wake me up. Yeah, so grounded! One starts sassing me about how I'm not the boss, the other one just went upstairs to bed.

I finally got tired again at around 8:30am, but, I get woken up again two hours later by a nightmare. In this nightmare, I was explaining to my mom why I haven't slept and why the kids are grounded. Then, the sassy one decides to get sassy again, and just walk away, outside. I see a huge group of her friends standing outside in what seems to be a gigantic park. I yell for her to come back and she won't. She just keeps walking forward. Her friends see me, but they don't seem to care about what's going on. Finally, I start shouting her name at the top of my lungs and she disappears into the crowd. I shout maybe three times, with everything I have, but she's gone. Then I wake up, out of breath, next to the dogs.

I wake up and realize that, that's the reality of it. She walks out of this house and out into the world. There's nothing I can do to stop her. She's going to grow up and I'll have to let her go, whether she's learned anything I can teach her or not. It's a very helpless feeling. I hope I can teach her everything I can, and she's not too stubborn to listen. There are some scary things out there.

I really need some sleep.

Sleepy Babble Yet Again

Quick sleepy babble...

I've always kind of prided myself on being able to maintain my cool. I think it's because so many people around me don't now how to hold their tempers or their mouths. So when someone bothers the hell out of me, or makes me want to say things I know I'll regret later, it almost makes me feel disappointed in myself.

I know I shouldn't feel that way. Everyone has their bad moments, and their bad sides. I'd also never begrudge anyone else their bad moments, or judge anyone else on something that is just part of human nature. I don't know why I'm so much harder on myself.

Buzz Buzz

When you tell someone that you love them, and you can feel it in every part of you. Your body almost buzzes with electricity, excitement, with a touch of aching because you want them so badly.

It's the best feeling ever.