*gasp*

 *inserts nudes here*

I joke of course.  I've been going through my music and found this song that I've always loved but forgot about. It's very sweet and peaceful.

I had a pretty good day minus the stress causing family drama. I know I should probably elaborate but, I don't feel I do anything really noteworthy.  I got 10 hours sleep which I'm sure made up for the lack of sleep the rest of the week.  I had a good lunch.  I spent time with my son.  I got to catch up with a few old friends. I played games with the kids.  I watched some more of Heroes. Then I jumped on WoW and decided to figure out my new warlock rotation.

I think I'll find a movie to watch and relax until I'm sleepy. Everyone else in the place is asleep so I can't do much else.

ღ Talulah

So much for that good mood. What was making me so happy ended up pissing me off. So I just stayed up and watched Korean shows until the show I was watching was out of episodes. Why do men have to be such asses? I don't get it.

*does not RP*

I'm in a really good mood.  I slept nicely, got some errands done. Made a nice dinner, got to spend some time with a friend of mine. Talking to 'my favorite planet' and waiting on this show to load so I can watch it.  
 ~~~
I think I'm learning to let go. I should have taken the time to do that before but, I just kept pushing it aside because I wasn't ready. Me and my damn attachments. I just wanted things to be how they were. But, I can have that, with someone else when I'm ready for it. Someone who will love me and know they do, not someone who "almost" did. I deserve that :)

'My favorite planet' and I have been talking about how I don't fight for my relationships. How when a man wants to walk away, I tell him it's okay. He gave me a lot to think about.

I think I'll go to bed early tonight. I have a life to plan.

Gratitude Journal

Thought I might get this done before I went to bed.

1. Friends that remind me that I can get over my hangups in little steps.
2. Ramen
3. A bed to sleep in, blankets etc.
4. Something A. told me earlier that I don't think I'll ever forget.
5. Everything is back to normal.

Today

Today was a long day, probably because I only got 4 hours sleep the night before. I slept well during those four hours, and now I'm ready for bed again.

A guy I talk to online often gave me his number. He seems like a nice guy, intelligent, funny, can hold a good conversation. Not doing anything about it though.

And that was just a glimpse

...into PMS for Talulah. Enough with the emotional junk. Life is good :) I'm still hella confused but life is good. 

So, I let a friend convince me to get on webcam last night. It's not something I normally do because for one, I'm shy. Second, I'm really self conscious about how I look.  Since my living situation has changed, I'm not eating very well and I think I put back on some of the weight I had lost previously. This is something I need to work on as soon as I decide to do it. 

My plan? Walking regularly until I'm in enough shape to start riding a bike. My nieces have 3 bikes and, some are grown-up sized.  May as well put them to use. I just hope the saying is true, that it really is just as easy as riding.... a..... bike.... haha.

Second part of my plan, no more starches. I lost 40 pounds before just cutting out white bread, potatoes, rice and switching all those fillers up for whole grains. Then I quit soda, but I don't really drink soda now unless it's diet and caffeine free.

I know how to do this.  I have the knowledge. It's the money and the determination I'm lacking.  My Favorite Ex used to always tell me, "You can do anything you set your mind to."  Even after we split up and couldn't stand each other, he told me to remember that. Problem is, I haven't set my mind to it.

Spew

I want to cry but, I know I can't afford to. As soon as I do, I won't be able to stop for an hour and I have stuff to do! I'm pretty sure I'm just PMS'ing, because there's nothing my life that would actually make me sad, right?... Think I'll walk the dog in a bit before I head out.

There are certain people I would go to when I need to talk about how I feel. I don't go to them anymore because I feel like I'm burdening them. My life here at my mom's is miserable, and I can't even tell anyone this, or why things are so bad because, I don't want the pity, or the anger that I can't get myself out of this situation. And every time I start to feel hopeful, and feel like I'll finally have a chance to no longer be stuck, something or someone takes that opportunity away from me. 

Maybe I'm the one who needs medication, because I don't think I can do this by myself, though, I don't really have an option. I am by myself. I've always been by myself, and I was strong enough before because I had to think of my son first. Why can't I build up the strength to do this just for me. When do I start doing things for Talulah and fighting for Talulah and her needs?

:(

I still haven't slept yet. Blah, I need to sleep.

I've had this song stuck in my head all night. And now I must listen to it.

Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes

Love, I get so lost sometimes.

Days pass, and this emptiness fills my heart.

When I want to run away, I drive off in my car.

But whichever way I go, I come back to the place you are.

All my instincts, they return.
And the grand facade, so soon will burn.
Without a noise, without my pride,
I reach out from the inside.

In your eyes - the light the heat
In your eyes - I am complete
In your eyes - I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes - the resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes - I see the light and the heat
In your eyes - oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes...

Insomnia is a bitch, but so are you.

I don't think I can sleep tonight :(  And I think that's my cue to say, "fuck it, I'm done".

Love = Boobs

42: *writes some kind of song about how you have a heart of kindness and your tits are made of joy or something*
42: did that help?
Me: is that what they're made of? I thought it was fat and sweat glands
42: you have a way of taking all the beauty and poetry out of the awesomeness that is tits
42: you know how poets throughout the ages have always written poems about love?
42: what they were really writing about is tits
42: love is just the codeword

Gratitude Journal

Count them with me.

1. I know how to build up some gumption and get stuff done when I need to.
2. Veggie noodle soup & grilled cheese sandwiches.
3. I am a strong, good, smart, funny woman.
4. There is still a million amazing songs that I haven't heard yet.
5. I STILL love the sweetest, funniest, smartest, sexiest most amazing guy. And for now, that is enough.

Being Human

Sometimes, all I want in my life is ONE person that I can count on. My friends tell me how good I am, how sweet I am, how trustworthy I am. They seem to forget how disregarded I am. How expendable I am.  How easy I am to not see, and to walk away from. I'm the Almost. Almost someone's best friend, almost someone's wife. almost the girl someone fell in love with, almost like family.

I'm venting, getting out some of this frustration over things. I need this outlet. And once it's all out, and I spew this garbage from my system, I can make some changes. I can do things differently. I'm usually pretty awesome at that.

Fighting!

Watching a new Korean drama.  This one is being produced currently so I have to wait for the 5th episode. I'm only on episode 2 but it's interesting so far. It's about a warrior who comes from the past to find a doctor to heal a dying empress. The emperor is being played by Lee Min Ho who I really liked in Boys Before Flowers. I think he's hot :x 

Faith - on DramaFever.com

( Photo from this link.)

Tell Me the Truth

One of the things I've always appreciated about my best friend is, he always tells me the truth. I may not want to hear the truth. I might want to live with the illusions for awhile, my mindsets. But, if I ask him his opinion, or how he feels, or what he thinks, he will tell me, and I love him for it. I've tried to be like him, and do my friends that favor but, I find it just ends up hurting them. I'm confused.

Blah!

Sometimes, I want to just stop him from talking, and tell him how I feel.  I want to say, "Babe, can we go back in time? Not far, just to that place where you still thought you loved me. Remember how it was? I thought we were happy.  You said I made you happy. So let's go, k? Hold my hand, and we'll get there. Want this badly enough with me? Because it's not fair that I'm still stuck in love with you...without you."

Yeah, pathetic, I know. It was just a random moment of desperation and sleepiness. I'll wake up and things will be fine again. This I know :)

Gratitude Journal

I woke up after only 3 hours sleep so I thought I'd write my entry. These are the things I'm grateful for at 5am, Sunday morning.

1. I know what I need to be happy.
2. Awesome friends like Miguel, Dave, Christine, Matt, Matt, Leica, etc...
3. I still have some sanity left.
4. I have plenty of e-books to read when I can't sleep.
5. It's almost Fall :D

I know it's not much of a list but, I am grateful for these things.

My Strongest Suit

I'm afraid of a lot of things. Some of my fears are logical. I'm afraid of walking late at night.  I'm afraid of something happening to my son. I'm afraid of being helpless.  I'm afraid of other drivers and if their ability to do what they need to do.  I'm afraid of earthquakes.

...My mind is also full of irrational fears.  I'm afraid I'm going to pass out on the freeway and everyone in the car is going to die.  I'm afraid I'm going to die alone and no one will find my body for 2 weeks. (this happened to a neighbor) I'm afraid of falling down the stairs. I'm afraid of bees. I've never been stung before and I have this crazy, irrational fear that I'm going to be one of those people who gets stung and dies. 

These fears get in the way of the things I really want to do. I know what I need to do to take care of myself, and be healthy mentally, emotionally. I just need to feel strong enough to do these things.  I need to eat better, sleep enough, exercise, eliminate toxic relationships. I need to start doing things that make me feel better about myself. I need to break bad habits that keep me in the same place year after year. And I need to quit caring that I'll be doing all this alone.  I need to relearn to trust my instincts, listen to my gut, and rely on myself, because in the end, you are all you have. And that's okay.

Kick ass. It's not an exclamation, or a description. It's a command I try to give myself every day. Tal, kick ass. Kick life's ass. You got this. Yeah, I got this.

Gratitude Journal

I can't sleep though I'm tired, and I thought I'd give myself something positive to think about as I lay here.

Things I'm grateful for today:

1. I got to spend time with my son today and get some things done.
2. Clam chowder at the Busy Bee mmmmm
3. Though I'm not interested in this one guy, I'm flattered he thinks so highly of me.
4.  I have some really great friends who care about me and don't run when things get rough for me.
5. I STILL love the sweetest, funniest, smartest, sexiest most amazing guy. You would think that would make me feel great but I still feel like I have a huge piece of the Talulah Puzzle missing.

List Yourself

I own a book called List Your Self. It's a book full of list making prompts, and I am a list writer. Fine, I'm sort of addicted to lists, and index cards, and smooth flowing pens... So, I'm going to randomly grab a heading and go with it periodically.  Here goes...

List what you like to do when you are alone.

1. read
2. write
3. listen to music
4. get online and play games
5. get online and talk to friends
6. write lists
7. meditate
8. text people
9. crochet
10. put the music on and clean house
11. go for drives
12. pray
13. take a long shower
14. do my grooming routines (pluck, wax, mask, whatever)
15. bake

I'm sure I'll think of more later.  Just wanted to get this out there. Did I learn anything?  I do realize that I spend more time avoiding quiet. When I'm alone, I spend it trying not to be alone. Maybe that's not a good thing.

You Make Me Feel Brand New

I think I'll write a short story about a cat and a mouse who live in a house made out of pancakes. There is a farm nearby with other animals, and some spiders, skeletons and zombies spawn nearby.  Mayhem ensues!
(to be cont.'d)

Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
  Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

Gratitude Journal

Five things I'm grateful for today:

1. Rocky Road ice cream.
2. I got to spend time with my son today.
3. Good movies that make you think.
4. The little sounds the dog makes when she's asleep make me happy.  Oddly enough the little sounds someone else makes makes me smile too. Weird.
5. Big coffee cups. You can never have enough giant coffee cups.

99%

The hardest part about having close male friends is hearing them hurt over bitches that treat them like garbage. If you don't want to be with a man, tell him. Don't dick him around like he's a toy. grrrrrrr

(cross-posted to Facebook)

Movie Night :)

I finally watched Transformers 3. I loved the cartoons as a kid, and I loved the first 2 movies. It was time. It was a good movie.  Had it's funny moments, great action sequences, and I'd definitely recommend it.

A good friend and I have been watching movies together lately and, every time he asks what I want to watch, I'm always at a loss. I grew up watching movies. There are so many movies that i watch over and over and over again because they're great stories. There are a lot of movies I intend to watch but never get the chance to. Thing is, I have such eclectic movie tastes.  I watch a lot of foreign movies. I love old movies from back when Hollywood was spectacular. Of course I love my chick-flicks, because sometimes, you have to watch other people go through ridiculous relationships and situations so you know you're not the only one driven insane by love or the lack of it.

I could go on for awhile about what kinds of movies I love and why. I guess I can simply say, I love a good story.

Gratitude Journal

These are the things I'm grateful for today:

1. My son is in a good place right now.
2. I have everything I need.
3. I have a #2 pencil.
4. Songs that remind me of friends:: Zac Brown Band - Chicken Fried
5. I love the sweetest, funniest, smartest, sexiest most amazing guy.

Avoidance Issues?

I haven't written anything in a long time. It's not that I don't have anything to share, or to say, it's that I can't sit and focus enough to get it out. I'm always distracting myself by doing things. I'm a master of avoidance.