Long day... I'm glad it's half over. Nothing horrible happened. I would just rather spend my days doing things around the house and getting things done than driving around for no reason. Well no logical reason...
My nephew and I have head colds. Mine is almost gone but his is going full force. I feel bad for him. I know he feels miserable. I made him soup last night. Today he stayed home from school.
I've been playing around with my new cell phone. It's almost like a mini PC. I can do so much on it that I couldn't with my old phone. I can play games. I'm hooked on Burning Blade and G and I have just started a new game called Avabel. I transferred some of my books to my phone. That was a learning process in itself.
I was going to use the mobile version of Kindle but, I had some books in my Calibre library that I wanted to read too. I figured out that I could move some of my Kindle format books to Calibre, turn them into epubs (which is Adobe I think), and then upload them to my Google Books to read on my phone. Now I can read whichever books I want on my cell, and they stay in my Google "cloud". Very cool *nods*. I know my cell isn't ideal for reading ebooks since it's technically a mini S3 but, there have been times when I'm stuck in the car indefinitely and it's come in handy.
Things with G and I have been going really well. This is usually the time things go badly but I'm feeling hopeful. I know I need to put some more action into my intentions. I need to get some stuff done so I can keep moving forward in my plans, individual plans and relationship plans. It's hard to do when all of my downtime is spent doing stuff that doesn't need to be doing, for everyone else. Adding that to my list of things that needs to change more quickly. I was doing really well with it for awhile.
Going to go make something to eat and get some things done around here.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Testing...1,2,3...
I finally got a phone upgrade! I've had the same phone for five years, so I think it was time. I also dropped the last phone in some water and it was glitching now snd then... Anyway, yay for upgrades!
Now to figure out what I can do with this thing besides read ebooks...
Now to figure out what I can do with this thing besides read ebooks...
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Sleep & Anxiety..... yay!
I know I tend to "borrow trouble". (That means worry.) I had a panic attack last night, and then woke up in the middle of one today. Neither of them had anything to do with anything that's happening right now. I was talking to Gen the other day. I wanted to ask his opinion on something that's been going on in my life. G's been having me fix my sleep. I'm doing it for a few reasons...
1. I like falling asleep with G, and he goes to bed at 11'ish on his nights off.
2. I do better physically, mentally and emotionally when I sleep normal'ish hours. Less anxiety. My blood sugar goes down. I feel I can handle pretty much anything. I eat on a schedule. Etc, Etc...
3. School is starting soon and I don't do well with all of that interrupted sleep when I sleep later than everyone else. They're all so loud and obnoxious in the mornings.
4. I would like to go to school and learn a trade but, school starts at 8am so I would need to be able to function by then, and not be late.
Sleeping by 11 is the best thing for me, and it makes G happy too. Bonus *nods*
So, I was talking to Gen about this and he brings up the adoption. He's worried about me because he knows how stressed out my family makes me. He's worried I won't get better if I'm here, and that adopting the girls has made me, well, stuck. I understand his concerns. I was worried about that too. Honestly, I didn't feel there was an option. I didn't want the girls going to strangers. They're 12 & 14, and need some stability. I also thought, I can handle anything for 6 years, even my mother.
I also thought, I can go to school, get a job, and get an apartment in the neighborhood. I don't do well living with my mother. We don't get along and, truth be told, she's not healthy for me. I can't tell her this because she wouldn't believe it, but it would also anger her. So, yeah, the plan was, school > job > living on my own. I had it all figured out.
I don't know why but when someone else voices concerns that I'm also concerned about, it sort of makes things more... cemented. Not Gen's fault of course. It's mine for thinking the way I do. Anyway I started thinking about how hopeless everything really is. What if'ing. What if I never get into school because I need an income first? What if I get kicked out of where I live for numerous reasons and not having anything to fall back on? What if something happens to my mother and I can't take care of the kids? What if I never get better? Is this how my life is going to be... for the rest of my life?! Everything just seemed so huge, and hopeless.
And then I think, "that's all part of the anxiety. Don't let it win." So I get up, start distracting myself, and breathing. I bring my heart rate down, and think about better things. When I panicked when I was with G, he called me over, held my hands and rubbed my arms. I take myself back to that moment and it helps. Then I think about more positive things, and why I'm doing this. The fear is always there right below the surface but, it always passes. Sometimes, I just have to write it out. ...Like now.
1. I like falling asleep with G, and he goes to bed at 11'ish on his nights off.
2. I do better physically, mentally and emotionally when I sleep normal'ish hours. Less anxiety. My blood sugar goes down. I feel I can handle pretty much anything. I eat on a schedule. Etc, Etc...
3. School is starting soon and I don't do well with all of that interrupted sleep when I sleep later than everyone else. They're all so loud and obnoxious in the mornings.
4. I would like to go to school and learn a trade but, school starts at 8am so I would need to be able to function by then, and not be late.
Sleeping by 11 is the best thing for me, and it makes G happy too. Bonus *nods*
So, I was talking to Gen about this and he brings up the adoption. He's worried about me because he knows how stressed out my family makes me. He's worried I won't get better if I'm here, and that adopting the girls has made me, well, stuck. I understand his concerns. I was worried about that too. Honestly, I didn't feel there was an option. I didn't want the girls going to strangers. They're 12 & 14, and need some stability. I also thought, I can handle anything for 6 years, even my mother.
I also thought, I can go to school, get a job, and get an apartment in the neighborhood. I don't do well living with my mother. We don't get along and, truth be told, she's not healthy for me. I can't tell her this because she wouldn't believe it, but it would also anger her. So, yeah, the plan was, school > job > living on my own. I had it all figured out.
I don't know why but when someone else voices concerns that I'm also concerned about, it sort of makes things more... cemented. Not Gen's fault of course. It's mine for thinking the way I do. Anyway I started thinking about how hopeless everything really is. What if'ing. What if I never get into school because I need an income first? What if I get kicked out of where I live for numerous reasons and not having anything to fall back on? What if something happens to my mother and I can't take care of the kids? What if I never get better? Is this how my life is going to be... for the rest of my life?! Everything just seemed so huge, and hopeless.
And then I think, "that's all part of the anxiety. Don't let it win." So I get up, start distracting myself, and breathing. I bring my heart rate down, and think about better things. When I panicked when I was with G, he called me over, held my hands and rubbed my arms. I take myself back to that moment and it helps. Then I think about more positive things, and why I'm doing this. The fear is always there right below the surface but, it always passes. Sometimes, I just have to write it out. ...Like now.
For This Moment...
G and I have been spending a lot of time together lately and I've been loving it. I can't say it hasn't been hard. Spending time with him isn't hard. But that feeling of, knowing that any moment can make or break us, it's rough for me. I don't do well under pressure. I always mess it up. I felt so confident when we started back up but, everything is so fragile. It's scary to me. But, I want this. I want him, and I'm not going to run because I'm scared. I'm going to see this through. If it doesn't work out, I'd like to say I've given it my best. This relationship is the biggest Boss I've ever had to encounter. 200mil health Elite and shit!....
Earlier, he got angry at me over the usual. I said a few stupid things. I don't know why I do that around him. Before we started talking again, I knew what I was doing. Something about being with him makes me feel dumb. I know I'm not dumb, but I feel so inadequate around him. I know he doesn't know everything. I've even taught him a few things. But the fact that he's so sure of himself, even when he's wrong makes me feel like I have no clue. Unfortunately, I wear my heart and my thoughts, and my emotions on my sleeve. Everything I think about, and feel, comes out. And... it tends to piss him off.
So he got angry, and I didn't say a thing. I didn't argue. I didn't try to fix things. I let him work it out and just, was there if he wanted to talk about it. Instead, it was let go and later, he was sweet. He asked me about my day, how I was doing and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. I might be wrong but my gut was telling me that that was his way of making things up to me. And if so, it worked because I felt genuinely cared about and cared for.
I was doing dishes earlier and thought about it and just smiled because, when he does things like that, I feel like he's showing his approval and letting me know that he appreciates me. It means a lot to me, and I don't take things like that for granted. I'm going to keep showing him that I'm serious about wanting to work things out. I'm going to show him that I can get my shit together and be someone he can count on and maybe one day be glad to have in his life.
But right now, I'm just going to enjoy tonight. I'm going to smile, remember the good things and go to sleep. I know I'm pushing it with my bedtime but, I just wanted to get all of this out and remember it, because I know every day doesn't come with it's blessings. And I know one day I will lose him again. So, here's to the good stuff.
Earlier, he got angry at me over the usual. I said a few stupid things. I don't know why I do that around him. Before we started talking again, I knew what I was doing. Something about being with him makes me feel dumb. I know I'm not dumb, but I feel so inadequate around him. I know he doesn't know everything. I've even taught him a few things. But the fact that he's so sure of himself, even when he's wrong makes me feel like I have no clue. Unfortunately, I wear my heart and my thoughts, and my emotions on my sleeve. Everything I think about, and feel, comes out. And... it tends to piss him off.
So he got angry, and I didn't say a thing. I didn't argue. I didn't try to fix things. I let him work it out and just, was there if he wanted to talk about it. Instead, it was let go and later, he was sweet. He asked me about my day, how I was doing and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. I might be wrong but my gut was telling me that that was his way of making things up to me. And if so, it worked because I felt genuinely cared about and cared for.
I was doing dishes earlier and thought about it and just smiled because, when he does things like that, I feel like he's showing his approval and letting me know that he appreciates me. It means a lot to me, and I don't take things like that for granted. I'm going to keep showing him that I'm serious about wanting to work things out. I'm going to show him that I can get my shit together and be someone he can count on and maybe one day be glad to have in his life.
But right now, I'm just going to enjoy tonight. I'm going to smile, remember the good things and go to sleep. I know I'm pushing it with my bedtime but, I just wanted to get all of this out and remember it, because I know every day doesn't come with it's blessings. And I know one day I will lose him again. So, here's to the good stuff.
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