Panicking, Yay

I woke up after only an hours sleep, with a bad panic attack. I'm not sure what brought it on. I checked my blood sugar and that was fine. I wasn't super tired when I went to bed... just a normal tired. It might be hormones. Usually when I can't find a reason or explanation, I default to that.

My mind was pretty calm throughout the whole thing. My body was the problem. Shaking, teeth chattering, heart racing, feeling really cold, tension, nausea, etc. But my mind kept trying to walk me through it. "Check your tension. Relax. Take a slow, deep breath. It won't last forever. As long as you're not feeling any pain, your heart is fine. You can always go to the ER if it gets worse."

I tried distracting myself by seeing who was online to talk to but, no one I like to talk to was on. To be honest, I haven't really been available lately myself. When I'm not busy with life, I'll watch something or find something to read.

...I think I'm calming down. I'm still edgy but, it's not full blown panic anymore. My heart rate is fast but not racing. Now, I just feel tired. I'm going to try again to sleep. If it happens again, I'll write again and see if it helps. Good night Universe.

October 19 - Classic, Books, etc...

I started playing WoW again this week. Classic has been released, well, a few months ago. I was debating playing, for awhile. Everyone got ahead. I got behind. ...I missed the game.

I only paid for the month. I love the game but I'm already getting bored. Roo and Morrigan are playing too but we're all on different schedules so we don't really get to play together.

I've been busy with family stuff. Kids need rides. My mom was in the hospital recently and needs a lot of attention. It's more a downtime thing, along with my reading.

My goal for this year was to read 30 books. I'm at 20 now and there are less than 3 months to go. Last year I was 2 books behind. I'm actually enjoying reading, instead of pushing myself through it. I don't know if it was from depression, but, I was making myself read books hoping to get out of it what I used to get out of it. It wasn't working. Now, I love the quiet time, and the time to focus on something else.

I talked to MFP recently. I missed him. 

I'm off to pick a kid up from work. Forever driving.

Quick Note

I've been wanting to change my weekly layout on my bullet journal. The layout I've been using is mainly for journaling and taking down notes. What I would love is something that would allow me to be more productive. I want to have more structure, and have an actual schedule besides using my calendar.

I'll come up with something.

Let's Try Something

I shouldn't have added a TV to the living room. I sleep in the living room. I don't even really watch the TV. Everyone else does! They watch TV until around Midnight, and I still need my unwinding time. I need to figure this out. How do I set boundaries without sounding like a diva?

I know, it should be a no-brainer, but my family kind of, sort of, sucks at considering what other people need. I'm not exaggerating. They're horrible with boundaries, and consideration. I need to get what I need without triggering their defense modes. It's like delicate surgery, crazy, delicate surgery.

Think I'll just turn all of the lights out, put my earplugs in, and get in bed. Good night, Universe!

P.S. My weekend with my boyfriend went awesomely. I missed him as soon as he left :(

• Listening to: Lately, a lot of Mother Mother
• Reading: Dan Brown - Origin
• Watching: Harlots. Loving this show!
• Playing: Merge Dragons. It's a mobile game.
• Eating: Dinner was fish, rice and veggies. Yum!
• Drinking: Lots of flavored sparkling water. Sugar and sweetener free of course.

Quickie

My boyfriend is coming to town today! He's not far but my car is really crappy and he doesn't own one since he has seizures. I'm excited... Too excited. I couldn't sleep last night, and kept waking up with adrenaline rushes. I'll sleep good tonight I hope. I hope!

I'm four books behind on my reading challenge. I have so many books in my closet and on my bookshelf. Unless they're collectibles, I should be reading them and either donating them or giving them away. I can't keep hoarding them :x

I need more sleep. Think I'll try and do that.

Three Good Things 7-3-19

1. I got to see my "monster child" today. When he's happy, I'm happy. 😁

2. Fosters Freeze ice cream. 🍦 (I never knew there was an S on the end til today.)

3. Looking back, I'm doing a lot better today than a year ago. 📆

(via Delightful on Android.)

3 Good Things 7-2-19

1. My bf has the same sense of humor as me. Something I'm truly grateful for. 😁💝🤡

2. Artistic expression, whether it's writing, painting, embroidery, beadwork, cooking...🎨🖼️🎼

3. The people I love are fine. 🏵️🦑🤹

(via Delightful on Android)

Three Good Things 6-30-19

1. I went to the beach today. It was gorgeous. 🏖️🌞🌊

2. I got to talk to my boyfriend on cam while I got some errands done 💖📱📽️

3. I ran into my favorite uncle at the store today. He's doing well. ❤️😊

(via Delightful on Android)

Love Your Knees

My anxiety has been better. I woke up feeling edgy but I still managed to head to Michael's, Barnes and Noble, and a few other places with one of the kids. I couldn't do that before. I did rush back towards home from Barnes and Noble but stopped halfway and got some grocery shopping and a few other things done. I got close enough to home to feel comfortable, but far enough away to still be pushing myself. I know, to most people that's not a big deal. Most people can go out without worrying about having a panic attack. But for me, this was huge. I went out with one person I didn't go out with regularly before, had a great time, and didn't have to deal with people that I didn't want to.

Afterwards, I came home and did some patio gardening. I love my patio this time of year. It's a lot cooler outside than indoors. I don't spend as much time on the computer these days except for studying and random things, so I'm losing my pale look. Today I not only sat outside, I chatted with one of the neighbors! Totally out of my comfort zone.

I don't feel comfortable yet. I know that when I make a few steps forward, I'll always take a step or two back, and that's okay. They won't all be good days. I feel pretty dang good though considering.

... Last month on the 29th, I fell and injured my knee. It should have been healed by now but the pain is awful. I went to the doctor's yesterday and she put me on a really high dose anti-inflammatory. I also have to ice it at least twice a day for 20 mins. She said that if this doesn't help it heal faster, she'll send me for an MRI to see if surgery is needed. I'm really hoping this works. After the biopsies and surgery last month, I'm not looking forward to being knocked out again.

I just scrubbed the kitchen down, went over my cleaning zones and I'm ready to wind down. I should have had it done earlier but, now that I have a TV in the living room, people don't go upstairs until 10. Then I start my night routine later than usual. On the bright side, I'm still waking up early'ish. 9:30 is early'ish to me!

Good night, Universe!

P.S... I forgot to mention, when we were at Barnes and Noble, there was a guy walking around dressed as Batman! He spoke in that super serious tone and looked at books while talking to people. I don't think it was event related. He just wanted to dress as Batman. Wish I had taken a picture.

Quick Post

I'm sleepy but the kids aren't home yet. It's only 10:30. I wish I could get in bed so I don't hit that 2nd wind.

I had a good day. My mom and I hit the thrift stores. We didn't find anything but it was fun looking. I got a few craft ideas for a few things I want to decorate the laundry room with. My laundry room/bathroom is plain. So far I've found some fish decorations. I wanted to go with an ocean theme since we live near the beach. I'll see what I find tomorrow.

Think I'll snuggle with the doggies and try to stay sleepy. Good night Universe.

Throughout the Day

Heading out to get my hip X-ray'd. I've been walking a lot lately and getting a sharp pain in my hip when walking. My doctor wants to eliminate arthritis.... I'm not even 50 yet!

Playing Catch-Up

I've been meaning to sit and write, but I've been busy. Busy isn't bad, but I was missing my mind dumps, rants, raves, and grounding sessions. Writing makes me feel good. It helps me to sort things out in my head, even if it's just to declutter what's in there so the good or more important stuff can rise to the surface. Sometimes, I just want to be able to have a record of things I'm doing or thinking. I need this.

Having said that, I'll add "Write for 10+" to my habit tracker. My habit tracker has changed in the past few months. Time to pull that thing back out and start using it again on things I actually want to work on.

I have so much I want to check in with... My kids are great, and getting older. They're going through these things that kids will go through when they're becoming adults. It's awesome and scary at the same time.

I am back with my ex-fiance from 1998. Not sure if I wrote about him but, my relationship with him was the most defining relationship of my life. It sort of set my entire dating history, my fears about relationships, how I behaved, and so on and so on. Getting back together wasn't in the plan. To be honest, the last time he and I tried to make things work, it was very unhealthy. We loved and cared about each other, but we both had so many issues. Right now, things feel right. We're taking our time though, going slow. I feel pretty good about things.

I've made a lot of changes lately, in myself, in my environment, in my habits. I'm going to get back to studying, with a new goal in mind. Not sharing that right now because I want to keep it to myself this time, but it's big, and scary, and exciting. I'll still be doing the 3D design, and the writing, but for a different format, and I've already said too much :x

I'm still reading books. I haven't posted them only because I'm usually off to the next one. I do post on Goodreads though. Link is over there somewhere >>>>

...I still miss GG, but I've taken time to be okay with the reality of the situation. He would have never have come here. The idea was nice but, he told me all the time, he doesn't travel and he isn't the adventurous type. It's okay. I will always feel like I missed something. I will always miss what he and I had. I may never be over him, but I know I need to move forward, and I have.

I've been sleeping earlier but I took a nap today and it threw me off a bit. It's 3am. I'll set my alarm for the same time anyway and try not to nap tomorrow. It's great. I actually fixed my sleep for months! This little setback isn't even bothering me. That's progress, right?

Good night, Universe.

Read - Keary Taylor - Crown of Blood

Crown of Blood by Keary Taylor

My rating: 5 of 5 stars






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