Balance Is Always Nice

I don't know if it's because of how I was raised but, I've never been one to give up on a relationship. To me, relationships are work. Two imperfect people learning how to be together, "live" with each other, be a blessing to each other, it's not easy. Even when you find what you think is your perfect match, there are always life lessons and tests that sometimes even the strongest relationship can't get through.

G and I are working things out. I'm not taking him, or any moment for granted. I did that before without realizing it. I always do that. I don't know why. Maybe it's my own little test. "If he loves me, he'll wait." I know that's not how it works.
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Things have been hectic around here. My oldest nephew is visiting, and he seems to bring a bit of chaos with him when he visits. Not necessarily negative chaos, just, lack of order? He goes home on Saturday, and then my oldest niece visits. She's the opposite. She always brings order with her. Things are so calm when she's here. It will be a welcomed transition.

I Need a Bigger Box

I've been archiving my old text messages on Google Drive. It's been a pain in the ass. I'm typing them out manually and there are just so many. It's worth it to me though. As I'm doing this, I'm remembering things. - My nieces 11th birthday and the birthday wishes from her grandfather. The day my big sister told me that my grandfather had died. Encouraging texts from my best friend Naut and his wedding announcement from his, then, fiance.

To me, saving these is a lot like journaling. I do it to remember, both the good and the bad. I am also putting it in the past for now. When I write things in my journal, it's to get it out and put it away. It's to capture moments and save them for later. Sometimes, you just want to archive stuff like that because it's part of what makes you who you are.

There's a show I was watching... It's called Faith. It's one of the Korean dramas I got hooked on. On this show, there's a warrior who had to kill a bunch of people to defend his king. At the end of it, he couldn't pick his sword up any longer. Everyone thought he broke his wrist or something but, to him, the sword somehow became too heavy. Lately, I feel this way about my phone. It's full of good memories but, the bad ones are just weighing me down. I know I could simply delete things but, that doesn't mean they didn't happen. I have no problem owning the bad along with the good. So I'm archiving what I want to keep and remember some day. Then, next month, I'm buying a new phone. I need a fresh start and to write a few people out of my life and getting a new phone is part of that.

Maybe one day I'll delete the archives. For now, I want to box them up and put them away for awhile, and not think about them. ...I think I might need a bigger box.

Hard Habit to Break

SKK (AD) wants to work things out again. Honestly, I don't see the point. It's not about feelings. I could easily love him again if I allowed myself to. The problem is, I don't trust him. My gut tells me that if we tried to work things out, things would be great for awhile but, eventually he'll screw up again. I know he thinks he loves me. I'm the only person who has ever stood by him. I'm the only person who loved him unconditionally. I'm the only person who has accepted him as he is 100%... until he cheated on me and then lied about it. I forgave him. I'm his friend. I just can't invest myself in someone who makes me feel insecure anymore.

Gbear isn't speaking to me. I'm going to leave him alone. I'll finish his gift and let him know when it's done. If he doesn't want it, then I'll just put it away. I'd let it go but, he was always telling me how unreliable I was, and how I'd say I'd do something and never see it through. I know I don't have to prove anything to him but, it's me. When someone tells me that I can't do something, I get this annoying urge to prove them wrong.

I have two men (besides SKK) who are interested in starting a relationship with me and I'm stuck on someone who doesn't even want me. How do I turn this shit off?

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My friend, Johnny, got me checking out Tech N9ne, and I came across this song. I think I've listened to it twenty times since I've discovered it.

Even now, two months later, it's such an unbearable pain that I can hardly breathe. Why won't it stop.

Dreams

I have a friend that I've spent a lot of time with lately. He has feelings for me and I'm keeping my distance. He's a genuinely nice guy. We have a lot in common. He's around my age, has two kids. He has a mother he shops for and drives around. He's a great guy.

I had a dream about him last night. We went to a drive-in with his family. They were in a different vehicle. It was fun, and his family was hilarious and a lot like mine. Very there, involved, distracting, but I liked that we both knew that that was how it was. We went for a long walk after the movie, with his family, and he had his arm around me the entire time. It was a "nice date" type of dream.

I wish I could be open to something, and see where it goes. I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of giving my heart away, investing time, emotions just to have it all mean nothing.

I'll date in my next life.

Zooey Gets It

Sometimes, I feel like I'm too much. Too sensitive. Too neurotic. Too weird. Too goofy. Goofy, was my nickname in high school... Weirdo was my nickname in my 20's.

I sometimes wish I were more like my ex. He can turn everything off like nothing. He can go from love to disdain in the blink of an eye. Last week, I envied him. I was tired of hurting. I was tired of being angry at things I couldn't control. I don't like when I'm in the car, a sad song comes on, and I start crying...

Other times, I accept that this is who I am. I embrace it. I think it makes me a better person. I think it makes me more compassionate and empathetic. If I'm too much, then it can weed out those who can handle me, and those who can't.

AD, a different ex-bf, loves that I'm like this. He said it made things fun, challenging, and that it helps me to see the things in him that other people didn't, because I'm more sensitive to it.


There will always be moments when I'll wish I wasn't Me, but, that doesn't mean I ever truly want to be anyone else. I like who I am.

Mall Food Can Be Healthy Too!

My favorite mall food. Chicken and veggies :D

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My mother and sister decided that they wanted to eat at the mall for lunch. This has always been my go-to meal when I'm there. The chicken is very lightly breaded, and has a basic mushroom sauce on it, and it comes with a side of veggies. So good. I think the place is called Sbarro's.

I went grocery shopping yesterday for healthy food. I have all of my veggie snacks - carrot sticks, raw green beans, some hummus. I baked chicken last night and had some cauliflower and broccoli with it. I went with a whole grain pasta with fresh pesto sauce. The kids didn't complain, and even if they had, I can't eat unhealthy stuff just because they want it. I need to take care of myself and eat for energy. Your body needs fuel, not junk. Nutrients, vitamins, water, all that good stuff.

I feel so good after eating right!

Veggies FTW

A few months ago, I had lost some weight and I was eating much better. For some reason, the past few weeks, I've been feeling really hungry and I keep snacking. I thought it was a hormonal thing but that usually doesn't last longer than a few days. Now I feel puffy. It's time to get back on my diet.

I don't do anything drastic. I switch out white bread for whole grain. I say no to the desserts everyone else is eating and have fruit instead. I avoid fried foods if I can. My snacks go from chips to snap peas and carrots with hummus, or almonds. I love eating healthy. I feel better and not so sluggish or gross. I don't know why lately I've eaten so badly but it needs to stop, starting today.

Lately, I have been skipping breakfast. That might be part of the problem. I skip it, get hungrier and eat whatever. Tomorrow I'll buy a bunch of veggies and egg substitute. I love veggie omelets. Sometimes I'll just have a slice of really good, whole grain bread. I'm talking about the kind where it doesn't look so much like bread because all you see is seeds, nuts, grains surrounded by a bit of whole wheat flour. I'm getting hungry...

I'm going to make a pot of veggie soup!

P.S. Still missing G. I no longer fantasize about us getting back together. I miss what we had but I think if we did get back together, it would be like an entirely new relationship. I don't know if that's good or bad. I liked us and how we were. I really don't think a day will go by that I don't miss him.

Hoping for a Quiet Sunday

My son decided to show up at 7am... after I told him that I wanted to sleep in til a little past 9. Fortunately someone else let him in and I got to sleep a bit longer anyway :D

Today we're cleaning the house. Quick break right now. I told everyone yesterday that today, I'm not taking anyone anywhere until the house is clean. They're angry about it but I really don't care. If my mom wants to drive them, that's on her. I will put their messes in their room, on top of their beds. I want my living room clean. I want my dining room clean. I want to be able to wake up in the morning, look across the room, and see no visual clutter. It's getting done with or without their help.

Later, my son is taking me out for dinner as a late birthday present. I told him that I'd rather he use his money on something he needs but he insists on this.

Miso soup. So simple yet so delicious!

A Random Great Mood

The beginning of the month is always really busy. Bills need paying. Errands need doing. I'm driving all over the place getting stuff done. The best part? After we get everything done, I can relax. :)

Can you believe it's already July?! It's the middle of summer. We're into the second half of the year! I'm excited and yet, I wish the time would go by more slowly. Soon school will be starting again. Halloween will be here. Then it will be Christmas and we're on the brink of 2015...

Really though, I love July :) The county fair is coming up. I usually try to go at least once. I don't go on the rides anymore. I love the exhibits.... and the funnel cake. *drools*

I'm going to go pick a kid up from Summer school and get some more stuff done. Have a good day :)