Pampering Pledges and Crazy Me

Some people are silly, including myself. People in general are silly, irrational, sometimes stupid, funny, brilliant, amazing. People are nuts sometimes. I'm nuts sometimes. I am just simply neurotic. But...! I like myself. There are things I want to improve on of course, in a huge way. I'm so flawed. But as long as the man I love embraces every one of those flaws, accepts me for who I am, and loves me the way he does, I think I can learn to not be so hard on myself all the time.

This does not mean I need a man to validate who I am, or, to make me feel good. If he was only my best friend, it would still mean the same. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I have a lot of work to do, and I'm not going to freak out if it all doesn't go according to plan. And I have SKK to thank for that. Sucks for him I'm not linking him to my blog :x

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I've been thinking lately about how I used to do things that made me feel good about myself.  I'd have 5 main areas to work on: financial, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I would list things I wanted to do in each area, put them on index cards and work on them all the time. I haven't done that in awhile but I do think it would be great to start that up again. I'm going to start small.

I used to be in an email group called Feminine Ways. These ladies would work on and discuss things that made them feel beautiful, or lady like, or, like fascinating women. I'm fairly independent so I'd take what I could use from the group and implement it, and let whatever I didn't need go.  One of the things they would do weekly was make a Pampering Pledge. We'd take turns listing 5 things we wanted to do to pamper ourselves during the week. We'd share ideas, links that would help, etc. I loved it and thought it was very positive and do-able. So, since it's Sunday, I'm going to make a Pampering Pledge for this week.

1. I'm going to mask my face this week.
2. I'm going to lotion my feet and paint my toenails.
3. I'm going to wear my jewelry every day.
4. I'm going to go through some of my clothes and toss out anything with a stain, a rip, that's too big (still wearing some tops I wore before I lost 40 pounds.)
5. I'm going to look in the mirror when I wash my face in the morning, and tell myself the things Ricky told me to say.  

I won't be beating myself up over it if I don't do these things but, I know I'll feel good if I do them. I'll go take a nap, and start the day off fresh afterwards. 

WoWww

My Skype Status: Someone on Destro should buy me WoW time for 10k gold :D

My BF: you dont need wow; ill supply you with all the wow you need baby

I thought that was cute. Even more so since I know he hates World of Warcraft.

Sunlight

I've only been off of World of Warcraft for 17 hours. I slept 4 of those, and I seem to be getting a lot of stuff done. Spring cleaned a quarter of my room, which was needed.  I want to make sure those spiders are gone!  I've read a few chapters of my favorite book.  I've done some writing.  I've attempted some drawing and ended up cleaning my pencil box instead, which needed doing. I've caught up with two friends, texted my boyfriend until I'm sure he's tired of me. I helped my mom with a bunch of kitchen stuff and after this nap, I'll be making some biscuits.

Tomorrow, I've decided to go to the park with my book, and get some sun. I'm sure the sun will be shocked to see me!
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Okay I Googled sunlight, and this pic came up. I'm not quite sure what to think about it lol but, the site actually has some really cool pics so I thought I'd go ahead and link it.

Scattered Thoughts

Earlier, I let my boyfriend meet my friends via Skype. I felt oddly nervous, like I was bring him home to meet my family. I mentioned that in status and Christine says: Aw, we're your family?! (insert hearts and mushy smileys here)

Made burritos for dinner. Just fried up some potatoes, ground beef, cilantro, tomatoes, garlic and whatever spices I felt like adding. Heated up some beans to go with it. I'm trying to stay away from rice so no spanish rice. I really want to lose these 10 pounds that crept up on me the past year. I just need to be more active.

I think Dingleberry and I are at some kind of stand still in our friendship. He's always being insulting and I'm always being sarcastic. I think we just, got on each other's nerves after spending so much time together. We know too much about each other, though he says I don't know him at all. I'm also not as important to him as I used to be. So I'm going to see this as an opportunity to distance myself some. I think it will be good for us because we're going to get to the point where we don't like each other if this keeps up. He used to try to stop me but, he doesn't notice when I'm not around anymore so that's a plus. And if he needs me, like, really needs a friend, he knows how to reach me.

I've been wanting to do something creative lately, only I'm not sure what. Something I can do with what I already have would be nice. I also need to start going through my supplies and cleaning stuff out. My family is going to be moving in a month or two if things go well, so I need to spring clean my room and toss things I won't be taking with me. So much stuff going on lately.

Maybe I'm Amazed...

First, some old business. I did try to go without speaking... but it didn't go very well. I did however, not speak to this person for 2 days, and he so wasn't liking it! I have to say, I've learned something from this. One, some people are oblivious as to how they treat people. It's making me more aware of how I treat my friends and the people around me. So much "behind the scenes" stuff happens in this circle of friends and I have to ask myself, are there things they wish they could tell me that they don't? Are they able to speak their minds to me? Am I being a good friend? 

I also have to ask myself, am I being too good of a friend? This person who says things to bother me, I know if he knew how much things did bother me, he might stop. So for that, I'll take the blame. But, There are a few other incidences where, I've went above and beyond the call of duty and put him first where I know he'd never do the same for me. There's a lot I hold in because truthfully, I don't think he could handle it. I think if he knew exactly how I felt about our friendship, the way he makes me feel sometimes, he would be angry and hurt. He doesn't handle criticism at all.

I love him unconditionally though. I can't help it. I remember a time when he was very good to me, and treated me well, so I tend to hold onto it. I used to think it was because I had feelings for him at one point but I know now that that wasn't the case. We're so incompatible, it's crazy to think I once thought I was in love with him. He's not unlovable or anything like that, just sooooo wrong for me.

Which brings me to new business. Last night, SKK and I talked about things. We talked about our insecurities, our feelings, what we want to happen in the future. We talked about my fears and anxiety issues and how I'm afraid that he couldn't handle it, or that it would somehow get in the way of our future. It was really good to talk about it and, I hope he and I are always this open and can talk about anything, especially if we're talking about having a future together.

We have a long way before we're in the place we want to be, but, I think we're moving in the right direction.

"Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time. Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you."

Brrrrrr

Forgotten but not forgiven. 

Disregarded but not left alone. 

Dismissed though my heart is tethered. 

Abandoned inside your home.

I need to start writing again.  I mean, I've been writing but, I haven't been expressing. I haven't done anything significant. I haven't done any purging. I haven't dealt with a lot of things. 

I need to figure out how to write in the midst of noise, chaos, drama and anything else my family and friends throw at me.

Big, sulky baby :x

For the first time in a long time. SKK rejected me last night. It wasn't anything major. He was angry at me for something I didn't do, and refused my calls. And I, in turn, called him a baby. I shouldn't have done it. I was frustrated, and disappointed, but I was the one who resorted to name calling. 

I really thought he was being a big, sulky baby, but I shouldn't have said so. I should have simply said, "Babe, don't be like this. When you shut me out, it hurts."

Now to figure out what I want to do to fix this situation. We haven't argued in awhile.

I Hate Spiders >.>

Sometime during my life, I developed a lot of phobias, one being, spiders, or being bit by bugs/spiders. Last night, I was laying in bed, watching Heroes with Dingleberry and, I felt something crawling on me.  I kept smacking it away but it turned out to be multiple baby spiders. One bit me and, it got swollen, hurt like hell and I had all kinds of weird symptoms that could have just been psychosomatic or anxiety related. It was horrible.

It's been three hours and, though nothing horrible has happened, it hurts like hell. It feels like a stinging, burning sensation in a big area of my arm. It's red, and there are goose bumps around the area. The blister is gone, just dissolved on it's own. The bite area is cold to the touch and kind of sticky feeling.

I don't know what to do about it. I'm sleepy. Do I just go to sleep and hope I don't get any weird symptoms and die in my sleep!  I know, I sound ridiculous but, I can't help but think about this stuff.  It's how I am :( If I don't go to sleep, I'll for sure feel even worse on top of whatever I feel from the spider bite. Is this something I should be seeing a doctor for? I won't have a car all day until 2'ish so, that scares me too. 

Phobias are defined as an irrational fear of something. Irrational is right.

Strong Enough!

I keep telling myself this, and my friends keep telling me this. I need to cut people out of my life who hurt me. I really don't know what or who this person thinks I am but, I am worth so much more than this. 

I am going through a lot right now in my life.  So many things I'm dealing with, facing, working on, and I don't need someone who talks to me like I'm nothing, bringing me down. Either build me up, push me forward or get out of my way.  I don't have the time or the energy for this.

I'm going to miss this person so much that it will eventually hurt more than the hurt he's caused. But until then, I need to walk away, before I start hating him. It's the right thing to do. 

I have to keep telling myself this or I won't feel strong enough.  Hmm which brings me to...

Okay so it's not exactly appropriate but, whatever. Enough feeling angsty and pissy. I'm going to chair dance.

I'm Afraid It's All Been Wasted Time

The Eagles - Wasted Time

Well baby, there you stand
With your little head, down in your hand
Oh my God, you can't believe it's happening again
Your baby's gone, and you're all alone
And it looks like the end.

And you're back out on the street.
And you're tryin' to remember.
How do you start it over?
You don't know if you can.
You don't care much for a stranger's touch,
But you can't hold your man.

You never thought you'd be alone this far down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time

The autumn leaves have got you thinking about the first time that you fell ...fell
You didn't love the boy too much, no, no, you just loved the boy too well ,
So you live from day to day, and you dream about tomorrow.
And the hours go by like minutes and the shadows come to stay
So you take a little something to make them go away
And I could have done so many things, baby
If I could only stop my mind from wonderin' what
I left behind and from worrying 'bout this wasted time

Ooohh another love has come and gone

Ooohh and the years keep rushing on
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:
"Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone."
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find , that it wasn't really wasted time

Alienation

I think I take too many people in my life, for granted. I really don't mean to but I know part of it is, how I cope with things.  Sometimes I'll be talking to Friend1 and Friend2 will call, and I'll think, "I can talk to them later. I don't want to deal with two conversations right now." Only, Friend2 feels the brush-off and disappears for awhile. Maybe it's a throw back from my anxiety issue, or social malfunctions but, I'm not sure how to handle this.  In the meantime, a lot of my relationships are suffering.

It not only makes me feel like a horrible friend but like I can't cope with people in general. It's very frustrating.

Saturn :)

Source: funcage.com via Britton on Pinterest

Saturn = My Favorite Planet :D

Favorite Song Quotes & Lyrics

I'm a word person. Growing up, before the internet made things easy, I collected lyrics. Here are some of my favorites:

"And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"

 ----- Train - Drops of Jupiter

"I made this bed and now it's time to sleep"

----- Her Space Holiday - My Girlfriend's Boyfriend 

" ...you are everything I want, 'Cause you are everything I'm not"

 ----- Taking Back Sunday - MakeDamnSure

"I've been hanging around, Just in case you fall in love with me"

----- Robbie Williams 

"Through the sleepless nights and every endless day I'd want to hear you say, I remember you."

----- Skid Row - I Remember You

mmmm

Source: silverslipper.tumblr.com via Zornitsa on Pinterest

Quote

Source: loveyoualways.polyvore.com via Lisa on Pinterest

ick

I always get a knot in my stomach when he starts the conversation with, "I ran into my ex-girlfriend today at my work."

He tells me all the time that he regrets any mistakes he's made in the past. He regrets wasting time and not being here.  It bothers him that I don't feel secure and that he's the only man I've ever really been jealous over. And I admit my part in this too. When things go great between us, I run. I can't help it. I'm terrified of something so every time we get closer, and I'm almost all in, I run and hide. He's afraid that's what I'm going to do.

I don't know why we do this to each other.  I can't stand how we make each other feel. But, I can't imagine him not being in my life, and the few times he wasn't, I missed him more than he'll realize.

I just don't have faith anymore. I'm not sure how to work on that.

Sometimes I think too much about things. Other times, I don't know what I was thinking.

sounds about right :D

zzzzzz......

Tonight, two people who mean a lot to me told me that they loved me. One was romantic love, devoted love, "I need you in my life yesterday" love. The other was unselfish, I see who you are and you're adorable love. It means more than they know.

And now, I must get some sleep.  Long day ahead. Good stuff :D

...after I watch these Quake matches My Favorite Planet linked me to.

Remember.

All of the "I love you's" he asked for that he couldn't return.  The huge gesture I've made that he begged for until I gave in. Opening myself up to him because I thought he was worth it... I now believe that he never cared. He asked for these things, took them from me and then walked away like it meant nothing.

All I can do about it is be the strong person he never could be.

How to Make Artist Trading Cards: 11 steps (with pictures)

How to Make Artist Trading Cards: 11 steps (with pictures)

This one too! I remember seeing these blank cards in the art supply store and I've always wanted to sit and do this. Maybe I'll find some inspiration later when I wake up.

How to Fall Out of Love: 7 steps - wikiHow

How to Fall Out of Love: 7 steps - wikiHow

StumbledUpon this article and thought I'd post it to remind me about something. That, it's okay to walk away if you have to.

MakeDamnSure

I'm watching MattH sleep. I'm not being a creeper! We were talking a for a few hours on Skype, on webcam, and he dozed off. He's adorable when he sleeps.

Taking Back Sunday - MakeDamnSure. He wants me to learn this song so we can sing it together but, there's a delay in our streaming so I don't think it would work, live anyway.

 ...you are everything I want
'Cause you are everything I'm not

And we lay, we lay together just not
Too close, too close (How close is close enough?)

I'm gonna make damn sure that you can't ever leave
No, you won't ever get too far from me

Earlier, he had the biggest smile on his face while he was talking to me. He kept telling me how cute I was. I never know what to say to that.

I need sleep. Buenos noches.

hahahahaha

Blog Surfing

I've been blog surfing for a bit, seeing what other people are putting out there, how they do their thing. I found a few playlists and this song was on one of them. I love discovering music I haven't heard before.

It's an upbeat song but the lyrics are kind of sad. I think pain takes your writing to a different place that everyone can reach.

Camera Obscura - The Sweetest Thing

I'm going on a date tonight
To try to fall out of love with you
I know, I know this is a crime
But I don't know what else to do

You challenged me to write a love song
Here it is, I think I got it wrong
I focused on the negative
The pain was too much to write and sing
Oh, it was not a nice incentive

Gratitude Journal

1. Optiks and I singing on Skype like the "old days".
2. Having better things to do.
3. Looking forward to making enchiladas tomorrow.
4. Early morning texts during someone's work break.
5. Late night runs to 7-11.

It Never Fails

Every time he pops online, I jump, and then I smile :)

Nothing Noteworthy

Today was pretty uneventful. I went out to dinner with my mom and niece. Pesto Pasta, good stuff.

My online little bro, Matt called me on skype for a bit and we listened to music and caught up some. He got on webcam, to show me his afro wig! I love this kid. He's one of my favorite people online and, he's the biggest sweetheart. I wish good things for him.

I think I'm having a migraine. I feel, dizzy and this huge pressure in my head.  I wish I were sleepy.  I'd try to sleep through it.

Today is an amusing day :D

:D

Ricky's coming to visit me on the 22nd :D He's going to be driving his son to college and passing through town on the way back. So, we're going to catch up and spend some time together. I have not seen this man since I was 25 I think. We kept in touch for awhile and then lost touch when I moved. I always looked for him on myspace, etc.  Finally I found him a few years back and we just picked up where we left off.  

Sometimes, I'm a bit irritated that he's so stuck in the past.  He thinks I'm the same person I was and, I'm not.  I'm older, a bit smarter, a lot wiser, and I've learned a lot of lessons about relationships, people. Fine, I guess there are a few things I haven't learned. When to put my foot down, when to walk away. When a person is not good for me. How not to take care of everyone else first all the time. Some things are harder lessons for me I guess.

He loves me, always has. He asks me every time when I'm going to quit being afraid of change, pack my stuff up and move in with him up North. Sooooo not going to ever happen.

Sugarland - Stay

I've been there, and I understand why she's crying. This song always gets me.

I can't take it any longer,
but my will is getting stronger
and i think i know just what i have to do.

I can't waste another minute
after all that I've put in it.
I've given you my best.

Why does she get the best of you?
So the next time you find
you wanna leave her bed for mine,
why dont you stay?

I'm up off my knees.
I'm so tired of being lonely,
You cant give me what i need.
When she begs you not to go,
there is one thing you should know.

I don't have to live this way.
Baby why don't you stay...

I love how in the beginning of this song, she just needs him so badly, and then realizes, she doesn't. She's strong and can climb out of those depths and do what she needs to do for herself. Good song!

 

Marvelous 3 - Cigarette Lighter Love Song

My lips are raw as hell
From biting on them just to stay awake
It's not like I'm gonna need them, you won't be around
To see them bleed and break

All that I do, comes back to you
So I'll just think about you
'til there's nothing in my head
All I can do, is try not to screw this up again
And just be friends... I'd rather be dead!

I'm like a movie without an ending
You know I've got nowhere to go
And it makes me wanna throw up
To see you wanna give up
More than you'll ever know

Everything's supposed to have a happy ending
But the record keeps skipping and the needle keeps bending
Like the road I'm driving to the bridge that has no end
I wanna take back everything that I've broken
But the bridges behind me are burning and smoking

I guess this is the end

(Only posted some of the lyrics.)

Actions Not Words

I had a friend who would always tell me, when you're confused about what a man is doing, don't listen to what he says. Look at his actions. That isn't helping in this situation!!!

Pintrest

Finally Pinned my first Pin.....

Source: keyperscove.deviantart.com via Lisa on Pinterest

Oops!

I slept until 3:30pm! I set my alarm for 11 and it didn't go off. I hate myself when I do things like this.  Sure I need the sleep but, I'd rather go to bed earlier the next night than later. 

Last night I killed a huge spider. It was a quick spider because I saw it chase a bug, and it scared the hell out of me. The abdomen was maybe a centimeter big but I told myself, either kill it NOW while I can, or have it crawl on my face when I'm asleep and kill me! So, I grabbed a huge wad of napkins and smashed it! *RAWR* 

So I've earned the title: Talulah Conqueror of Arachnids

Gratitude Journal

1. I was brave and killed a big, ugly spider.
2. I found my green, dragonfly bracelet.
3. I found my Simple Abundance book :D
4. Early morning phone calls.

Even if, you don't love me anymore...

Who hasn't been there.

Don Henley - The Heart of the Matter
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talking' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been trying' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Serenades

Tonight, Matt called. He wanted to get on webcam and, so I brushed my hair and put some lipstick on really quick and talked to him. I'm really shy so each time I do this it's a huge deal. We talked about a lot of things, and he played some songs for me. He played a few I didn't know, and then played some White Stripes, which I love. He sung to me. It was really sweet. He's a good friend.

I think he has feelings for me. He told me I would make him so happy if I started going back to church again, so we can be on the same page spiritually and see what happens. He's referred to me as "the woman he has feelings for". 

I've told him we're good friends.

He fell asleep talking to me, with a smile on his face.

Another Habit

I find it very hard to walk away from people. I get attached no matter how much I try not to. Problem is, I get attached to people who have no sense of loyalty it seems. Maybe it's a subconscious self-destructive thing, like falling in love with worthless assholes, or trusting people who screw me over.

One thing that has never been hard for me was walking away from someone who has kept a huge secret from me that would affect our relationship. I can usually walk away from liars too, because, once someone loses my trust, it's almost impossible to get it back. Yet there's this guy who has done both that I can't walk away from no matter how much I try.

This man.... I can't even think about it because, every time I do, I get furious at him, and myself for even dealing with someone like him. I think it's time to start writing my lists. Pros will be his redeeming qualities, and Cons will be the qualities I can't live with. Going to grab an index card and see which side wins.

Will I be deleting him or not?

Well hmm

My family has boundary issues.  I could go into a long rant about it, start stating situations and incidences that would make most people disown their relatives but, I'll only discuss one incident that happened earlier.

My family has the habit of not knocking on doors.  The rare times they knock, they don't wait for the traditional "come in" before entering. So, I lock my door. Sometimes during the Summer, I like to sit around in not much clothing. Sometimes I'm on the phone or talking privately to friends.  Sometimes, I'm watching a movie and don't want to be disturbed without that moment to pause before continuing, so I don't miss anything. There are a million reasons why I would lock my door, and, it doesn't really matter WHY. People should just respect a locked, even simply closed door. Am I insane in thinking this?

My mother knocked on the door and I said, "yeah?", meaning, "can I help you?", and she starts yelling about locked doors. I'm laying on the bed texting someone and tell her to wait a moment, so I can get up and open the door. She starts screaming about how I can stay in my room forever and she never wants to see my face again. How useless and worthless I am, etc etc. So I open the door, tell her she's being ridiculous and why I have the door locked. And she keeps screaming about how she never wants to see my face.

It's not a new situation. She's over-reacted and played the drama queen most of my life. I think she was my training, so I could raise a mentally ill son.  I had to learn not to scream back at irrational people. I had to learn how to pick my battles.


.... My mother banished me to my room!  At my age! I really need to get the hell out of here before she makes me lose my mind. I need to get a job, get a car, get my own place, and hide from these people! Not tell them where I live, seriously. That could take months, and in the meantime, try not to have anxiety so bad that I can't do anything. 

Good Night / Gratitude Journal

Tonight was nice. I got to catch up with my friend Christian.  I haven't talked to him in awhile.  We used to be really close. We were instant friends and, he always gave me the most truthful, helpful advice. He could call situations before they happened, and would tell me what kind of people I'm dealing with after meeting them once. He was always right too. I've told him things I had never told anyone else. Now someone else plays that role in my life, my confidant.

I couldn't sleep again so I stayed up watching movies.  I kind of wish I hadn't.  I never got to spend any time with My Hero. I guess there's always next week, but, those days I don't get to see him kind of take "forever". 

One thing I've noticed about men is, when you say something nice about another man, they give up on themselves, or think you see something lacking in them. I wish they didn't do that.

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I'm going to go ahead and add my Gratitude Journal to this entry.

1. Friends who read books.
2. My baby and the way he makes me laugh.
3. Yummy smelling lotion.  I have the softest skin right now!
4. Lava lamps. I've said it a few times, these things are a God-send.
5. Chocolate.

(His Hidden Purpose)

I'm not just a Period in my man's life. I'm also not a Question Mark or a Comma. I am his Parentheses. I not only embrace who he is, I am also the hidden meaning of his purpose. Babe, I will not fail you ღ

My 3rd or 4th Second Life

I couldn't sleep, had a headache, so I thought I'd see who was on Second Life, and, Joy was on! She decided to rent a place near mine and, I hope we can start doing stuff again.  I had a lot of fun with it, and I think I need a distraction. SL has so much new stuff going on. Can't wait to check it out :)