The Perils of Reading Too Quickly

A book title came across my recommended feed on a book app. I read it quickly. I thought it said, I Love Disco, and was kind of like, what?! I need to check this out! I still love disco! Turned out the title was wrong and now I'm disappointed. I kind of think now that I need to write a book called I Love Disco.

Honestly? It kind of freaked me out how quickly I came to that conclusion. I haven't done any serious writing in so long. When I did, I didn't do anything with it. I feel like the part of me that's a writer, is no longer with me. She got bored and left. I liked her. I miss her. 

In Retrospect

2-5-24

I was looking at older entries and, not a whole lot has changed. It's disappointing. It makes me sad, angry, frustrated. I feel like my whole life has been me trying to fix my sleep, dealing with anxiety, starting projects I've never finished, dating emotionally unavailable guys, and restarting my life over and over. I'm so glad I have therapy this week!

I think I'm living a better life than I have before. But it seems I'm reliving the same memories over and over again. How do I break this cycle and come out with something different? The anxiety and sleep issues, I don't think, can be helped. I've had them all my life. The difference is, I'm better than I was. I'm no longer stuck in the house when I don't want to be. I haven't been to the ER in awhile with a panic attack. I've been able to relax and manage them myself. My sleep has periods where it will be normal, but unless I have some structure, I can't maintain it. I'm working on that.

Projects I've never finished... I'll start a project, be super excited about it, and then, when it's mostly done, I seem to lose interest. I was cleaning my closet a bit a few weeks ago and found FOUR crochet projects I hadn't finished. Two, were for my fiance who passed, so that's understandable. One was for my older sister who passed. I picked that back up when my fiance passed to keep myself occupied. I did everything but one row, and then the edging. I need to finish that, even if it's just to fold it up and put it away for future gifts. I'll start tomorrow, and maybe listen to an audio book. 

UPDATE 2-26-24:

That was written on February 5th. I never took out the crochet projects. I did start listening to an audio book but didn't like the narrator so I went back to reading. 

I spoke to my therapist about what was bothering me. She told me that even though the territory feels the same, I'm not in the same place. She started listing how I've grown considering what I went through with my late fiance. His mental illness, suicide attempts, hospitalizations, irrational behavior, then his passing. She told me that since he passed, I started school, let someone new into my heart, knew how to heal myself emotionally, built new habits... She reminded me that my anxiety used to be so bad that I would have to call in my appointments, and that now, I'm driving around town by myself, walking the neighborhood, letting my heart race when I work out. I used to be terrified of everything. 

In the past year, I feel I've gotten a lot stronger, and I hold back a lot less. I'm speaking my mind more, and telling people how I feel and what I think. I'll always be me, in my core. But I want to be a better me. It's nice to know that I'm on the right course.

What She's Doing Now

I keep meaning to update this. I did write a few times but never posted the entries. 

I wrote when I was excited about starting school. I'm taking a college course for IT Support! It's something I've wanted to do since my 30s, but my son needed 100% of my attention at the time. Here I am, almost 20 years later, going for it. It's not easy. I had to relearn how to study, how to time manage, how to participate in a learning community... I still get stuck sometimes. I recently finished a resume assignment that had me feeling so overwhelmed. I did my best and got a good grade on it. I'm proud of myself.

I wrote when I was going through a break up. I don't do well with endings. I never have. I was seeing someone for a bit. I'll call him MW. Though it was long distance, and we had some things working against us, I took it really hard when things ended. I was having a good time and just going with it. Things seemed to be going great. Then, it ended. Honestly, I don't think I ever got over it. We're friends, and though we've had a few bumps, we have a good relationship. I'm glad he's in my life. 

I wrote when my brother died. I had an older half brother, Joe, that I lost touch with when I was 9. He was about to have surgery and our other brother got in touch with me to tell me to call Joe because I might not have that chance again. I was anxious, worried he wouldn't want to speak to me for whatever reason, because he hadn't tried to get in touch with me all those years. I called and he was so happy to hear from me. We talked for a week. They were waiting to see if an infection would heal before doing his surgery. He went through the surgery, survived it, but then something happened and he was gone. I'm grateful for the chance to get to know him again. I wish he could have stayed around longer. 

I wrote when I needed to vent. Family issues, other things that bothered me or I needed to get out in words.

I wrote good things too. Good news, things people say that made me happy, random thoughts... I just never posted them. I wrote a few times in my paper journal that I carry in my purse. Writing settles me. It grounds me. It helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me express my feelings, and put out there the things I don't say with my voice. I have a lot on my mind. Sometimes, I need to purge it. Get it all out so I can have room for better things. Better ideas. Better memories. 

I'm still around. Still writing. Still sleeping badly, reading books, gaming, falling in love, wanting better things for myself, procrastinating, treating people the way I want to be treated, having anxiety attacks... I'm still here :)

• Listening to: whatever the Spotify AI DJ wants to play for me
  
• Reading: John Connolly - Black Angel
  
• Watching: Cold Case
  
• Playing: Palia, Halo, Solitaire, Crossword Puzzles
  
• Eating: a good, portion controlled diet
  
• Drinking:Earl Grey tea
  

 

 

Reading Challenge - No Home for Killers

No Home for Killers by E.A. Aymar
My rating: 5 of 5 stars



View all my reviews

I Need A Menu App!

(I actually wrote this a few days ago and forgot to finish it.)

 I'm doing well. I'm finally getting enough sleep. Sleep is crucial to everything else I want to do and how I want to feel. I wish my anxiety didn't steal it away from me so often. I'm working on it! 

Tonight, I made eggplant Parmesan again. This is the third time I've made it and my family isn't tired of it yet. They're a picky bunch.

I'm on the lookout for a useful menu planning system. I think I've mentioned this before... I'm looking for something where I can keep track of what recipes I've tried that the family likes, and come up with a grocery shopping list to use along with it. I've tried using Notion but I couldn't figure out how to make it do what I want, and I don't know programming. There is an Android app called Supercook that will tell you what you can cook based on what you have in your pantry, fridge and freezer. I love that one for the end of a pay period when I'm running low on funds. I'm looking for something different.

When I was a kid, my mom would buy women's magazines every month. Women's Day, Family Circle, First, Women's World. There was one that had a new menu and recipes for every month. It would have the menu on a calendar, and then tell you which page the recipe was on. I would LOVE if that were a thing again. I've checked the current magazines and websites and there's nothing like that anywhere. I did find a few that were online on Archive.org.

It's interesting. In the 70's, one woman's magazine would have around 15 cigarette ads geared towards women...

 

This was the AI art generation for "pi".

*snap*

 Yesterday, I had the worst panic attack I've had in years. I was in bed trying to fall asleep when my heart started racing. I could feel it pounding and I couldn't figure out why it was happening. I know I stayed up longer than I was should have. I did have a few chocolate covered almonds but that wasn't enough to give me a caffeine boost. It was mostly almonds. Maybe I've been using too much rosemary in my hair. Maybe there was something in the burrito I had that caused a reaction. Maybe I should have went for that walk earlier in the day. Is my blood sugar too high? Maybe this time, it really was a heart attack.

My Nothing Day

 Today was a nothing day. It wasn't a bad day. I was simply enjoying doing nothing. Nothing was needed or asked of me. I'll do stuff tomorrow :)

The Stop Holding Yourself Back Challenge - notes

 I finished the Stop Holding Yourself Back challenge and I have to say, it was empowering. I already mentioned what the first day was about, imagining your future self and claiming your future. Here are some of my notes from the sessions.

On Day 2, you focus on toxic habits. It wasn't about habits that you're NOT doing, but what you do that's not good for you. It was defined as "anything in your life that you are doing regularly that's keeping you from becoming the person that you want to become in your vision". Anything that steals your time, your focus, your energy. For me, it's being on the computer too long, drinking more coffee than water, letting fear win, eating bad foods, procrastinating and gaming too much. I knew this and I've been working on it but I need to check myself now and then. The session ended with deep breathing, and these affirmations repeated three times. "I am ready. I am worthy. I am powerful. I deserve this life." I AM.

Future Me

I've been trying to fix my sleep again. I swear, I can only maintain a decent sleep schedule for at most a month. It sucks because I know this is the key to everything else. Good health. A better mood. Decent blood sugar numbers. So, here we are again. I know... it's 2:30am. But it's earlier than I've been falling asleep lately. And I bet there are a "million" previous posts about this very topic. Sorry, Universe.

I use Insight Timer. It's a meditation app. They have challenges now and then. Currently there's a challenge called the Stop Holding Yourself Back Challenge. It's supposed to help you figure out what stops you from reaching your potential, and work on eliminating it. It's really cool because there's a lot of imagery involved. You also get to have a conversation with your future self. I'm totally into it. 

My future self is thinner, obviously. She writes. She has a really nice kitchen. She has this amazing husband who adores her. They have a dog and some other pets. There are more details but you get the idea. Life is good. You're supposed to do this imagery long enough to feel it deeply. Then you're supposed to ask your future self what habit would be most important to getting to be her. I think the question was, "What is one practical thing I can do to be you, my future self?" Since she's me, it wasn't simple. She pretty much told me to do whatever it is I'm afraid of. But to start, fix my sleep. She's right. 

I have to ask myself, if fixing my sleep was the only way to get what I wanted, wouldn't it be worth it? Then why am I not doing it?!

--------------------------

I played with a few AI sites again earlier. I asked chatGPT to write me a short story in the style of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. It was good. I think when I run out of stuff to read, or I just want a short story, I'll do that. A story written just for me, by artificial intelligence :) I love living in these times! I'm going to post that story after the jump break. 

AI-Generated Images and chatGPT - 1

I'm playing around with AI generated art tonight. Night Cafe has made single creation AI available for free :D Now I can play around with it and not waste credits, but instead use them to enhance the creations I like the most. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do with what I create. Right now I'm only having fun with it. Maybe I can find a way to make money with it. I'm looking into it. Hmm I should ask chatGPT for ideas. That seems to be the thing right now.

Here's an image I created tonight.

I asked chatGPT about making money with AI generated images. This was it's response:

There are many potential uses for AI-created images beyond NFTs. Here are a few ideas:

1. Use them for marketing and advertising materials: AI-generated images can be used to create unique and eye-catching graphics for social media, websites, and other marketing materials. This can help your brand stand out and differentiate itself from competitors.

2. Use them for research and scientific purposes: AI-generated images can be used in scientific research to help visualize complex data and phenomena. For example, they can be used in medical research to study the effects of various treatments or in environmental research to visualize changes in landscapes and ecosystems.

3. Use them for video game development: AI-generated images can be used in video game development to create unique characters, landscapes, and environments. This can help game developers create more immersive and engaging games.

4. Use them for art and design: AI-generated images can be used as a starting point for art and design projects. Artists and designers can use the images as inspiration or as a base to build upon to create their own unique works.

5. Use them for educational purposes: AI-generated images can be used in educational materials to help illustrate concepts and ideas in a more engaging and interactive way. They can be used in textbooks, online courses, and other educational materials.

These are just a few examples of how AI-generated images can be used. The possibilities are truly endless, and as AI technology continues to develop, we are likely to see even more exciting and innovative applications emerge.

 Very interesting :D