Tuesday, April 4, 2017

I Used To Be Here

I'm in my "I want to disappear" mood. I want to disappear, because it's easier than being rejected. That "I'm going to leave first because I can't handle being left" feeling that I thought I outgrew.

I used to say all the time that I was a runner. I'm a runner. When I know I'm going to be hurt, I run. It's my thing. Well it was up until around 6 years ago. I thought I grew up and evolved into this somewhat wiser being wouldn't act like a child and run every time she knew she was going to get hurt.

So I ask myself, am I taking care of myself? Or, am I just hurting myself even more? I think it's a little of both, but at least it's not letting myself get hurt by someone else. That's not a bad thing, right?

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Book #5 Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol

The Lost Symbol (Robert Langdon, #3)The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I love books based on science, conspiracy theories, secret treasures and mysteries. I should have given it 5 stars but, the end left me kind of eh...

I'm fascinated by Noetic science and mind-over-matter/molecule experiments. I'll have to do some research on it, see what I find. In the meantime, looking for my next book!

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Short Notice

I have a day to get the downstairs spotless. We're having a short noticed inspection and I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. I got this though.

I have my basic 15 Minute Cleaning guides. After that I have my Flylady chaos zone work lists. When I need to get something done without thinking too much and I'm trying not to stress out, the lists come out. I do what's on them and hope it turns out the way I like in the end. If not, then at least I know I've done my best :)

Monday, March 13, 2017

Latest: 3-13

Nothing exciting going on lately. A friend had a doctor's workout video posted on her FB. I decided to check the guy out. It turns out he wrote a great book on diabetes, so I've been reading that and taking what I can from it. His eating plan is really strict, and I'm slowly making my way there. I was already going low-carb, but this guy is so close to no-carb.  I can't do that. So, I'll take the info, adjust it with what my doctor wants me to do, and see how low I can get my blood sugar.

I lost my medical coverage, so I'm seeing what I can do without as much medication. I'm going to try to get it back, but, not sure if I can with my income being so low right now. I really need to start working on bringing in more money.

I started using a planner to try to get more organized. I don't have a lot going on but I want to start with some habit changing, "pampering", and feeling more positive again. I downloaded the Passion Planner's PDF, bought an A5 hole puncher, and cute 8x5 binder. So far I'm using it to log my blood sugar, and do some habit tracking. I'll start adding some goal setting too. I burn out easily so I'm trying to take things slow enough to not burn out.

I'm feeling pretty positive this week!

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Book Challenge #4: The Rent Collector by Camron Wright

The Rent CollectorThe Rent Collector by Camron Wright

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I thought this book was amazing! I would definitely recommend this to friends who love books about literacy and the joy of reading.

I'll add more to this review later. It's been a long morning and I need a nap!

View all my reviews

Thursday, February 23, 2017

A Purpose

When my son was young and going through his mental health issues, I put everything on hold to make sure he had everything he needed and then some. I thought, when he reached adulthood, and needed me less, I could start all over. I'd still be "young enough". I had things I wanted to do and places I wanted to see. I figured I'd start dating again and it would be different because I'd have the freedom to make different choices.
When my son moved out, and into the group home, that was right around the time that my mom needed me to move in and help with my younger nieces. She was their foster parent. Long story short, she wouldn't have been able to adopt them because of her age and a few other things going on. If they weren't adopted soon, they were going back into the system. I love the kids and I wanted them, so I co-adopted.

They're great kids. I've been happy and it's been interesting raising two girls. It's totally different than raising my son. That's for sure!

I think what's on my mind right now is, "...and then what?" What am I supposed to do next? I think I've lost my purpose. My own purpose. I don't even remember what it was. Everything that I've wanted to do before, feels silly now. I wanted to write a novel. I don't feel I have one in me anymore. I am not the writer I used to be.

I wanted to make a living being creative. I used to make jewelry and sell it. I used to bind books and make handmade journals. I used to do a lot of things and love doing them. I made great money doing them. I don't feel that way anymore. I need to be able to make a living and have an income and I feel like I'm going to be flailing until I fall on my face. My panic attacks are worse now than they were before. My phobias... My thinking is so screwed up.

I need to get back up on my own two feet and I can't even think of where to start. Maybe this is part of my anxiety. Maybe this is part of the depression. Maybe this is because I'm going to be 46 and I feel I have nothing to show for it.

I'm going to sit on these feelings for a few days, and then, make some kind of step forward. Towards what, I have no idea. But forward is somewhere, anywhere. I need to find my purpose!

Sunday, February 19, 2017


I haven't heard from Jett in a few days and I'm worried sick. He's been really sick lately, and not eating. I asked him to go to an Urgent Care if he didn't want to go to the ER, but he was trying to tough it out until his appointment this coming week. I can't help but think the worst. I was hoping he was getting better but, he's never not messaged me before like this. Not so abruptly or without telling me of any plans.

I know sitting here thinking isn't doing me any good but no matter what, he has always gotten to me. When his phone was dead, he got online. When his net was down, he texted. I've prayed. I don't know what else to do. I'll call him tomorrow if I don't hear anything from him. Maybe someone will pick up.

He's fine. I'm so relieved!

Monday, February 13, 2017

Book Challenge #3

February (Calendar Girl, #2)February by Audrey Carlan

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This book was a lot like the first in the series only... different love interest. It was an easy book to read, but I wasn't as into it as I was January. I hope they get better. I'm going to skip March until, well, March, and find something else to read.

I have so many books but nothing sounds interesting. I'll be checking the recommendations for something I like.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Book Challenge 1&2

The Vanished Man (Lincoln Rhyme, #5)The Vanished Man by Jeffery Deaver

At the beginning of the year, I joined a book reading challenge on Goodreads. My goal is to read 40 books during 2017. I used to read more, but I think 40 is a good number. I seem to have lost my focus to sit and read for hours on end.

The Vanished Man is the 5th book in the Lincoln Rhyme series, written by Jeffery Deaver. I discovered the series after a friend recommended I watch The Bone Collector. It's a thriller, and featured Angelina Jolie and Denzel Washington. When I saw in the credits that it was based on a book, I had to read it, and I loved it. Each book has a lot of detail about forensics, subject matter. I don't read them one after the other. I like to sprinkle in some light reading and other stuff to make the series last longer. That brings me to the second book in the challenge.

January (Calendar Girl, #1)January by Audrey Carlan

 My friend Mona shared this with me. It was a quick, fun read, and part of a 12 month series, if you couldn't tell by the title.

This story was about a girl named Mia whose father owed a bookie 1 million dollars. She ends up being a high paid escort, having to spend a month with different men. I know... not exactly plausible.

The first guy she meets is a studly guy named Wes. Lots of sex happens. She gets to dress up in expensive clothes that she gets to keep. A lot of other stuff happens in the story.

Truth be told, I could probably leave off just reading this book in the series. The story ended well, with a cliff hanger that I don't need to drudge through "the year" to finish. I'm sure I'll read the rest though, in between heavier novels.

The question now is, which to read next? I joined a book challenge group that has a list of ideas to go through. It's based off of this list I found on POPSUGAR. I don't need to read them in order. I'm mostly using it as a guideline, and for ideas and to make my future book picks varied and fun. I'm going to check the Goodread's group for this list, and see what I can find to read next :D

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

About Ready

In case anyone is curious, my mom complained as soon as she saw the casserole. Apparently it's not done properly if you don't see the flecks of pepper all over the top. It was fine though. I was prepared for what was going to happen, already vented steam here, and answered with an "I'm sure it will come out better next time. This was a new recipe."

She and I have never seen eye to eye on most things, so I've had to learn to choose my battles. And honestly? I see her becoming senile and I know, most of the things she does, and the really bad decisions she makes are because of it. I know it's not going to get any better, and I really don't know what I'm going to do as it keeps getting worse. I can't even think about that just yet.

I have a lot on my mind lately. Family things. Relationship things. Life things. I don't know what to do about any of it. So, all I can do is "keep on keeping on", and hope that one day, things will fall into place. Keep working towards my goals. Keep saving money. Keep trying to be better, so I can be good enough...

I feel so lost and ungrounded right now, and I really don't have the time to feel this way. Not if I want to do the things I'm planning.

I think I'll make something to eat, and get under the blankets and watch 10 Things I Hate About You on Netflix.